Category: Self esteem

Fear

fear /fir/
noun
plural noun: fears
1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
  1. “drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby’s murder”
    synonyms: terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation,dread, consternation, dismay, distress;

    anxiety, worry, angst, unease,uneasiness, apprehension, apprehensiveness, nervousness, nerves,perturbation, foreboding;
    informalthe creeps, the shivers, the willies,the heebie-jeebies, jitteriness, twitchiness, butterflies (in the stomach)
    “he felt fear at entering the house”
    informal hang-up
    “she overcame her fears”
verb
3rd person present: fears
  1. be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.
    “he said he didn’t care about life so why should he fear death?”
    synonyms: be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, be terrified of;

    be anxious about, worry about, feel apprehensive about
    “she feared her husband”
    have a phobia about, have a horror of, take fright at
    “he fears heights”

    We all have them. Some are more prominent than others. I am doing some research on fears as one of my stories are dealing with fear currently. I also researched it for personal reasons.  My fears have a logical reasons behind them. I logically understand that I have nothing to be afraid of. Still my fears exist, and on occasion they take control of my life. It means no closing myself into little rooms. No getting locked in someplace I cannot get out of. For all the logic of knowing why, I cannot seem to overcome it with logic. So I am curious…what are your fears? And what do you do to overcome?

The clutter of memories

Some days writing is easier, because my mind is loose and free of all the clutter that are memory.  I do mental exercises, and meditation to clear my mind. Sometimes it works, other times it intensifies the clutter. Add to that the anxiety I often feel over whether my writing will be good enough, and you have a recipe for a hot mess. I know I shouldn’t feel anxious. Whether my writing is good enough or not, It really does not matter. Only that I continue writing. Continue improving. It’s not just my writing, it is everything I do. I have the same anxieties with my art and with my crafts. Even though I can see improvements in the drawings I am doing.  I do not believe myself alone in my anxieties about what i create, as I have seen many creative types express similar feelings.

Bee Bee Busy

I have been busy. Several of my books are coming out in Epub format. Bedtime tales is up in all the formats. And  I have been putting some serious word time into almost all of my other W.I.P.’s . That is not counting doing the normal mom things and making jewelry. Plus this blog, some amatuer photography, and other social media activities. Not sure how I have managed all of it and still slept. However I may let things slow a bit this weekend. Burning the candle at both ends for too long will wear me out. Will post a link post later, with all the current books i have out and their various formats for ease of finding them.

Getting things done

Trying to juggle so many hats means occasionally dropping a few. One merely tries not to drop the important ones. Mom, Maid, Writer, Artist, Poet, Dreamer, Momo (Happy third birthday Lennon!), Woman, Girlfriend, Sister, Daughter, Business Owner…Blogger, Person,  Feminist….so many titles….And somehow I do okay at juggling them, most of the time. Today I did ok. I felt good about it. Even managed a couple of people giving me ego candy.  Which believe me was sweet.  I uploaded things for sale in my scott’s marketplace shop…I made new items, I handled a sick daughter. I cleaned, I overcame my social anxiety to talk to a person not online. I ate. (for me sometimes that really is award worthy….lol)

So today there were some hats dropped. I  wasn’t able to write today…until now…and so this blog is all the writing I am getting done. Even that is something though. Perhaps  I should be thankful the hats I dropped in the busy day, were not the most important ones.  Which hats do you wear, and how adept are you at juggling them?

Ego Candy

It often amazes me how easy it is to feel that special boost of ego.  A small compliment or a happy customer. Today, I received a boost. I have been feeling lately a lot down on myself, my art, my crafts and my writing.  Its hard to feel good about stuff when one’s own family doesn’t seem to feel pride with what you have done.  Now in the last two days, I have had two amazing compliments. The first was from my twelve year old. I ordered the proofs for my novella, and my children’s book.  I gave them to my daughter. Well the other night as I tucked her in (cause yes i will still tuck her in every night so i can get that lovely hug and kiss each night),  she told me she had read the children’s book. She said it was kinda good. Which is for her major praise.  Then I had a day of good writing, followed by a day of productive crafting.

So today I had a visitor. who provided ego boost number two.  I had laid out the pendants I made to  try to plan a display. and she saw them. She was so enthralled by them that she kept telling me how beautiful the pendants are. It made me feel so good. I think in general we forget how small compliments and acts of kindness can affect the day of a person.  So I think i will try to hand out a piece of ego candy (Compliments that is) every day. I recommend everyone do this.

Looking for Inspiration

This year has been better than last, Emotionally and physically I am in a good place. Still after the hell that was 2015, I find myself in more of a hold than normal. I normally write at least 70 poems in a year and at least a story of some sort.  Even if I end up destroying the stories, I do write them. Yet this year has been an inspirational void. I have them…after major life changes.  It makes sense if you think about it. How does one appreciate the poetry of life, when the mind is still adjusting to chaos that comes from being truly a hot mess. I still see the poetry, still feel the story.  Surrealism clouds a busy mind.

For me March is one I almost always have a distracted mind during. This month is my birthday month. I am not a single bit worried about my age, however that doesn’t mean I don’t contemplate what growing older means. I expected that I would be so much more and yet I am farther than I thought I would be. So many of life’s choices have led me down a path that led me in both dark and light places that i could have never imagined. Today I am forty. I have made choices, both good and bad.  In Eleven days, I will be forty and one . It always strikes me as strange.  Perhaps that is why March sets me on my ear.

Distractions of the heart

I really have been trying to write lately. I am not one of those who can structure my writing. I can write everyday, and I do. Still this week has been a time of pure distraction. Even down to my writing app not functioning. My mind has been foggy, and I am quite afraid that if the app had worked…well it probably would have been something I deleted a day later. I have resolved to never delete what I write the same day. In some ways it keeps me from getting disgusted with what I have written and deciding it’s garbage…whether it really is or not.

So I have been doing other writing exercises. A journal, a bit of blogging, and still my heart aches. I have several work in progress that feel like I will never finish.  It makes my heart ache because I feel like such a failure. In all honesty, I wrote my first novel at ten. However, in frustration and self doubt, I threw it away. I forgot what I wrote. So the uncertainty of that early failure (the trashing of what i wrote is the failure) followed me. I  write, I publish. So far only a novella, a children’s book, and four volumes of poetry.  I publish because it doesn’t cost anything. Perhaps  it is still my self doubt that holds me back. I battle the low self esteem as I have my whole life. I am perhaps never going to see myself as others do. And that is actually Ok. I would love to see even once that which others see in me, but if not, then I will survive. I will continue to write because without it, I am nothing. I will continue to be kind and helpful to others, because it is not in me to be unkind.  I will continue to be creative in every way I can find. For the creativity helps me to feel less ugly. Perhaps that is all there is in life. Finding beauty in the ugly of life.

Creative Rivers Flow

I truly believe that everyone has some font of creativity.  Most never see that streak within themselves. For some it comes out in form of fashion, In some it is an eye for color in Decor. Some write, some draw. Every creative act nourishes the soul.  So each person needs some way of expressing that. I personally think that those with an uncertainty and self doubt end up expressing more of a creative nature. Which is why much poetry and art has pain and darkness at it’s base.  All forms of creative expression are the mind’s way of dealing with extra stress and extra doubt.

Mind you, I am not claiming this is a bad thing. I applaud any way that leads the mind to cope with life. I think that creative expression of pain and doubt lead to much of the beauty in our world. It amazes me how much  beauty exists.  I am all over the place when it comes to beauty. Enjoying a well written song, a beautiful poem. Smiling over a gorgeous picture, a well done show. Eclectic in my personal decor and jewelry. There are many enjoyments I have in all forms of beauty and creative expression. What is it that you think of creativity? What is your thoughts on Beauty?

Teaching Chess to a preteen

Chess is a game of strategy. One that requires one to think their moves through very thoroughly. We are trying to teach our twelve year old the game. In teaching, her dad is making her explain why she makes the moves she does. He does this to make her think about why she is making the moves she does. When I tried to explain why Dad wanted the explanation, I told her in many ways chess was like life. You have to think before you act. Decide if it is worth the consequences of your actions.

I am a big fan of consequences. Every thing in life reacts to the choices we make. In the end of the lesson, it was decided that she wasn’t really ready for the game. She made it through over three quarters of the game. Claiming a headache then.  This is the second time we have tried. Each time it feels like she understands a little more, and each time it feels like we are able to teach her important life lessons. it is amazing how easy it is to squeeze life lessons into anything.

Catching a cliche

Well even though my phone was my main way of writing, I found a way. There is an android emulator for windows, Blue Stacks. I have been playing around with it off and on since it first came out a couple of years ago. It doesn’t work as good as my phone did, because the computer is old and slow. But it does work. So I downloaded my Notebooks app. I went to restore…as it has the option from dropbox and google drive.

Wouldn’t you know it, I accidentally backed up on the dropbox and when i tried to restore from Google drive, it couldn’t connect. so I was miserable wondering how i would be able to continue what i had been working on. Then i was looking at Kindle fire tablets. I may try and buy myself one for a birthday gift next week. I was looking in to app compatibility, and got to thinking, So i went to Dropboxes site to see if i could restore an older version of the file. Guess what? I can. So now i am able to write again. I swear i don’t normally do this. Tonight when I was trying to write, I kept  switching every few minutes to scrolling facebook. When I caught myself doing it, I felt like i had caught a cliche…a writer who is surfing more than she writes. Hopefully now that my setup is fixed, I will no longer hunt the cliche.