Category: Self esteem

In the loneliness

here i sit uncertain and alone,
Planning uncertainty
for so little is known.
Hearing the negative,
so loud inside my head,
Tossing and turning.
can’t go to bed.

Those who should praise me
Do naught but to doubt,
Those who should see me,
For them i am not really around.
Invisible and struggling.
Sinking when I should swim,
The ocean of doubt crashes within
The struggle about
Just trying to begin.

I know better than to hear
The darkness within
I know i am better than I ever
possibly have been.
Yet in the loneliness,
Deep in the night,
That is when the voice within
is hardest to fight,
when no one is there
to help fight it off.
no one is there to remind you
of the cost

How has the times changed…

I remember as a Preteen hating to wear my hair short. I have always been bulky and slightly tomboyish. So I was picked on because apparently I looked like a boy…even though I had breasts. So I always wore my hair long back then. I fought for the ability to wear it long. Tonight I had a talk with my preteen daughter. She fights to wear her hair short (because it requires less care). I asked her if she gets picked on because of her hair. Her response was that she doesn’t get picked on, apparently she is invisible.
I guess in these times of gender neutrality it makes sense. I was her age in 1988…so many things have changed in that time. There are other differences as well. In my daughter’s time there is so many more hazards that were either not there or not obvious when I was her age. I remember the struggles and try to use that when dealing with her, but even with that memory it is so different for her than it was for me, so there are times when the generation gap feels like a chasm.

Technology is both blessing and bane

        Last night i had the most horrific thing happen….my Phone died. Now understand….My cell phone was basically a tablet…i used it for everything. It was my calendar,  my communication, my camera, my kindle, texting,  my writing tool, and my gaming device. Everything except a phone. I may loose progress on some of my writing because of this. I have a laptop that i borrow from my boyfriend. It is a older model, windows xp laptop. It is missing the backspace, the tab and the m keys. It so doesn’t have the CPU or the hard drive space to do much more than simple programs…however until i can replace my tablet…i have no choice. I am not out on the streets broke, but there is no extra money. I am scraping to try and get a vehicle, and of course my microwave broke as well. So yes, i cannot afford the extra expense of a tablet. Which for me means suffering to write on this crappy laptop. It means dealing with the extra headache of accessing WordPress through an android emulator because the browsers on this laptop seem to have issues with most pages. It means in order to blog or even try and update my author page on Facebook I will have to sit down and actually fight this beast. So though i am enjoying the blogging and enjoying the spurt of writing i have been doing lately, it means life will likely interfere a wee bit more. Please bear with me. I will update, but it may not be daily. I am going to get me  another tablet, it just may take me some time.   thank you for understanding, or i am sorry if you don’t. This is just how my life goes.

Abuse

         Okay I have put this one on hold.  And that is because it isn’t an easy topic.  I survived. And I am far from the only one. So It isn’t a topic I feel comfortable with.  It’s not a topic anyone should feel comfortable with. 
          Before I get any farther into this topic…. if you are being abused,  get help. If you are feeling suicidal because of all you have suffered call 
1 (800) 273-8255. It’s a hotline.
                 There are so many forms of abuse.  And there is even forms of self abuse.  As I really don’t want to go too far into most of them for the possibly triggering effects it can have on those reading this. 
        The thing about abuse is though it can take many forms,  it always has the same effects.  Damage to the mind and body and souls of those who are abused.  The survivors often feel alone and anxious. Please if you have survived…know you aren’t alone.

Blogging

      Well this is an odd thing for me. I often ramble. And I tend to use my blog for two reasons…. either to rant or to “advertise” my writing. So I probably am an odd duck on here. I do not follow the normal way of things. My writing follows language rules and grammar rules.  However I am not one to follow the rules of what is politically correct.  I by my nature am terminally blunt.  That tends to come out in my writing…
                 My blog has taken a bit more random feel as i am trying to write on prespecified topics as well. I enjoy comments because it feels like someone is interested in what I have to say. Since I have started doing this blog I have found a reason to write more than I did before.  And I feel guilty if I am unable to write that day.(usually I end up finding a way.  I can’t sleep until I manage it).

Happy Valentine’s Day.

    Sappy holiday wishes to everyone… yes even you the unloved.  You actually aren’t,  but especially around the holidays,  any and all holidays… it often feels that way.  Or it feels like you are unlovable. Either way it means a miserable day as everyone around you speaks of family and loved ones.  While you just seem so very alone.  If you need someone… don’t be afraid to reach out.  Very likely another person you know is alone. 
                Honestly i dread the time begging around Thanksgiving and ending around Ostara. Not because I don’t enjoy the holiday( even if there is a buttload of them crammed in a four month span). I dread them because the members of my family suddenly expect me to socialize. So it feels forced.  I don’t hear from some of them any other time of the year…. most of them don’t have a clue anything about me (likes/ dislikes,  etc) but because of some overdone holiday…. eh well i believe you understand.  So i end up depressed.  I end up questioning everything. Then I end up considering others who maybe feel the same way. Well this year… it resulted in me reaching out. Please if the holiday is too much… call someone.  Go see someone.  For there is always someone who loves you, whether you realize it or not.

Never give up..

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Dreams don’t die, we give up. So if you never give up….eventually you realize those dreams. 

Body positivity

                This topic is one i fully support.  Now understand,  even though i am a big girl,  it’s all bodies and body types i think we need to be positive of. No one should feel ugly for not fitting a certain body type. Unfortunately,  as a society,  we fail our children.  We teach them to worry about appearance far more than we should.  There is starting to be a movement that is helping.  Tess Holiday and her #effyourbeautystandards. However many see it as a fat positive movement.   While yes it is, it is also about beauty in all forms.  It’s about no longer judging anyone based on appearance alone. My daughter is twelve.  She is chubby.  And so I have had to work hard to have her with a good self esteem.  She really is beautiful.

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  However because of the beauty standards of others,  she doesn’t feel like she is. So yes,  as a woman,  as a mother of a beautiful girl,  I really like the body positive movement.  Every body has flaws. Every body is beautiful.  It’s really all in how you look at it.

Madness is subjective

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                         Life has a funny way of pushing forward,  no matter how we want to stop and reevaluate.  I have spent a significant portion of my life considering sanity.  Afraid of being mad, and trying to prevent that slide into deeper pockets of madness.  I joke that I am as sane as I have ever been… but to be honest I am not sure sanity is something that truly exists.  I think as a whole the human race has slowly been decending into a state of madness.  We put such a stigma on it.  Just in America there are millions who suffer….yes millions.  a statistics site about mental health. So why do we make these people feel worse for their suffering?  I think it’s a form of fear.  We fear what similarity we see in them.  So we push it away.  Instead, we should try to understand that which drives the mind down such different paths.

Individual I

Blending in,
For now everyone
Has the traits
That used to mark me
As unique.

My idiosyncrasies
Are now community,
Nothing new or remarkable
In my mind today.

Was individual,
And even slightly weird,
Now everyone does
What i began.

So now i sit
And slightly sigh.
For looking around,
And dreaming that I
Could return to the time
When I was unique
Just once more.