I have had them for as long as I can remember. I have looked into the idea of controlling my dreams. However once they dream starts, I am helpless. I know that some who have never been in my place would suggest that I just “shake it off.” Waking from a nightmare for me isn’t logical. The fear and helplessness follows me. I wake confused about where I am. I wake with my heart racing and my breathing uneven. Depending on how long I was in it, I even sometimes awaken to bloody places where I have scratched myself or been hitting the wall.
Add to that the fact that I rarely get back to sleep after, doing so is very often a herculean effort. So if I tell you I am tired. Or say I am having trouble sleeping…. please don’t feel the need to suggest I cut down on my coffee. Most weeks I have less than a cup a day. Please understand, if i tell you I am tired, it is merely me explaining that I am not at my best. Even with nightmares, I am not stopping… Don’t ask me to tell you what is so scary. Most of the time all i remember is the fear. The feeling of being helpless. No details other could I give you.
This nightmares are not a sign of weakness. They are the a sign that I am mentally unstable. They are merely another reminder of my survival. I made it through a lot of things. I have lived an interesting life. How my mind handles some of it, well, it could be worse.
Category: Self esteem
R.I.P. Chyna
I Grew up watching wrestling. I was basically the only girl among a house full of boys. And though I enjoyed wrestling…. you were what caused me to love it. To look forward to it. For you were equal to the men. You were strong and beautiful… you had an intelligence that was far more than was expected in your profession. Please may you rest in peace, for your light will truly be missed here.
Words, tool or weapon?
I am a writer, a poet. A lot of what I write is gibberish to start. I then go back and polish, much as one would polish a gem. It is for me the easiest way I know to deal with major issues is to write it out. However here lately I often find myself needing to watch more of what I say. It’s so easy to be careless with our words….and those careless words can do more harm than we realize. I have always understood this. One of my favorite poems, that i discovered in High School, spoke of this….
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The Stone
By Wilfred Wilson Gibson
“And will you cut a stone for him,
To set above his head?
And will you cut a stone for him–
A stone for him?” she said.
Three days before, a splintered rock
Had struck her lover dead–
Had struck him in the quarry dead,
Where, careless of a warning call,
He loitered, while the shot was fired–
A lively stripling, brave and tall,
And sure of all his heart desired . . .
A flash, a shock,
A rumbling fall . . .
And, broken ‘neath the broken rock,
A lifeless heap, with face of clay,
And still as any stone he lay,
With eyes that saw the end of all.
I went to break the news to her:
And I could hear my own heart beat
With dread of what my lips might say;
But some poor fool had sped before;
And, flinging wide her father’s door,
Had blurted out the news to her,
Had struck her lover dead for her,
Had struck the girl’s heart dead in her,
Had struck life, lifeless, at a word,
And dropped it at her feet:
Then hurried on his witless way,
Scarce knowing she had heard.
And when I came, she stood alone–
A woman, turned to stone:
And, though no word at all she said,
I knew that all was known.
Because her heart was dead,
She did not sigh nor moan.
His mother wept:
She could not weep.
Her lover slept:
She could not sleep.
Three days, three nights,
She did not stir:
Three days, three nights,
Were one to her,
Who never closed her eyes
From sunset to sunrise,
From dawn to evenfall–
Her tearless, staring eyes,
That, seeing naught, saw all.
The fourth night when I came from work,
I found her at my door.
“And will you cut a stone for him?”
She said: and spoke no more:
But followed me, as I went in,
And sank upon a chair;
And fixed her grey eyes on my face,
With still, unseeing stare.
And, as she waited patiently,
I could not bear to feel
Those still, grey eyes that followed me,
Those eyes that plucked the heart from me,
Those eyes that sucked the breath from me
And curdled the warm blood in me,
Those eyes that cut me to the bone,
And cut my marrow like cold steel.
And so I rose and sought a stone;
And cut it smooth and square:
And, as I worked, she sat and watched,
Beside me, in her chair.
Night after night, by candlelight,
I cut her lover’s name:
Night after night, so still and white,
And like a ghost she came;
And sat beside me, in her chair,
And watched with eyes aflame.
She eyed each stroke,
And hardly stirred:
she never spoke
A single word:
And not a sound or murmur broke
The quiet, save the mallet stroke.
With still eyes ever on my hands,
With eyes that seemed to burn my hands,
My wincing, overwearied hands,
She watched, with bloodless lips apart,
And silent, indrawn breath:
And every stroke my chisel cut,
Death cut still deeper in her heart:
The two of us were chiselling,
Together, I and Death.
And when at length my job was done,
And I had laid the mallet by,
As if, at last, her peace were won,
She breathed his name, and, with a sigh,
Passed slowly through the open door:
And never crossed my threshold more.
Next night I laboured late, alone,
To cut her name upon the stone.
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So I try to think before I speak… but I really have no filter. Most people who know me realize this and overlook the random strange that occasionally comes out from me. However I do try to be kind. So much so that I have avoided a few topics because I know I cannot be kind. While I would feel no problem with my actions when it comes to being cruel to those involved… being mean there brings me to close to acting like them. Do you censor yourself on any topic? If so why?
Ah ha moments
In life I try not to judge the people around me. For you never know what road they were forced to walk. Today for me that point was driven home by a conversation I had with a man I have always considered to be very strong. He was telling me that his Stepmother had passed. As one would expect of a woman in her eighties. But when he spoke of her and indeed when he ever speaks of his father…. I hear a sadness there. I had always believed it was because of the distance between them. Tonight I saw a lot of what was under there. I still think he is strong, but perhaps there’s a reason for the strength. Perhaps in seeing the vulnerability in the ones we see as strong we can allow more in ourselves. We try to hold ourselves, I think, to impossible standards. Many end up depressed because of said impossible standards. So for today I will accept my vulnerable side. I will stop pretending that all i am always strong. How about you?
Silence is cruelty
April is child abuse prevention month. So many of my friends, myself included, are survivors. The thing about surviving is we mostly don’t talk about it. It becomes a dirty little thing that gets hidden because no one wants to hear the truth. We get told to be quiet or told we are lying. This makes trying to heal all that much more problematic. One of my friends is waiting to write her story until her mother dies. Simply because every time she tries to speak of what she went through, her mother tells her not to. The man who molested me was allowed to harm others because when I finally stepped forward no one believed me. It took another to send him to jail. Another friend worries about her son as his father molested him, and was court ordered visiting rights. Speaking up only works when it is believed.
My voice shakes… but I have not lied. So for those today whom are out there fighting what you have survived… you are not alone. Speak… no matter who tries to silence you. Write, if only for yourself, no matter who tries to stop you. What you say, even if you are afraid, may help you find your bravery.
Not writing, Relaying
I call myself a writer…Still in truth for many of my stories…that title is inadequate. The stories and the characters within take on a life of their own. They are telling me the story, which I then relay to my readers. I know it is often how writers see their work, But last night it was driven home to me. I have a premise for a story. I have written at least the bare bones of it’s beginning. Enough to where the story and it’s characters are ready to really talk to me. I gave it a temporary title, one I knew would change before it was said and done. I have to title my work so I can tell it from the poetry I write on just file level. So my stories will sometimes have a bland descriptive title to just start with. Well last night, coffee in hand and music on, I opened the document to write. I drew a blank. The only thing that my mind kept focusing on was that the title was wrong. I really tried pushing the story and to my frustration only typed gibberish. So I have a wonderful story idea. Rich with Sci-fi goodness. A strong Heroine with a rich descriptive history. A plot that is strong and a monster that will be interesting…and I am not able to tell it for the fact that the temporary title isn’t the right one. *Headdesk* Yes I am insane….
Of course then i was trying to explain my frustration on my author page on Facebook, with my head pounding from the frustration, and I believe managed to condense what can be a really good story to like five sentences of garbage. In general I hate writing the synopsis anyway. I honestly have a hard time condensing a full story into a “Blurb”. Especially without spoiling the whole thing. So, note to self….no explaining your story when the story itself is refusing to talk to you. You end up reinforcing the perception that you are insane and only causing your frustration to increase.
Stress and its cause
I ended up blocking someone on Facebook yesterday. My reasons were simple. Them being in my life was causing me issues. Stress headaches are counterproductive for me. (probably for everyone). Normally this is no big deal and a no brainer. However this one was a big deal, this one hurt. She is the mother of my grandson. She has a habit of moving him around and keeping my son from knowing where he is. Now don’t get me wrong my son is not blameless in the whole mess. He has been lax in sending in support (because he was unemployed and looking for a job). Still my grandson is autistic. And in his three years of life she has moved ten times. So I worry because she is making it worse for the baby, and then instead of allowing his family at least contact, she uses him to play mind games. I cannot handle them anymore. So I finally had enough and blocked her. It was painful and not an easy decision. Unfortunately because my son is still involved in it I know she is still playing the mind games, claiming that my son is trying to take her child away simply because he is worried about his son. I really hope she eventually realizes how badly she is hurting her son. I hope she realizes before doing any permanent harm to her son. I wish her luck in life, But I am done. I refuse to play her games and be the mom in the middle. Instead I will live my life and do what makes my life work. Under stress I can’t write. Under stress I can’t be a good mom to my youngest. So for the sake of my world, I have to accept that I can’t help my Grandson. That saddens me. I hope she straightens up her act up before she ruins his life.
My block list is small. Less than ten in all. I only block if I need to for my own sanity. When I do it is because I can’t deal with the person at all. Why do you block? Or do you?
I am
I have always had issues with self image.
I am a poet.
I am a writer, published and paid.
I am a jewelry artist, who has made money.
I am an artist, for my own pleasure.
I am an attractive woman.
I am a mother. Of a full grown son and a preteen girl.
I am Momo (aka grandmother)
I am a computer geek who can program in C#
i am a game master who has been running games for nearly twenty years and has taught many to play.
I am a decent cook and a better baker Most of the time.
I am an intelligent and seeking mind.
I am a blogger.
I am occasionally funny.
I am a voracious reader.
I am a good listener, A fair friend, and a devoted girlfriend.
I am Loyal to a fault.
I am usually kind.
i am usually honest.
I try to be generous, i try to be understanding and i try to be a good friend.
Yet i fight the feeling of failure and fight feeling a lack of worth…
because even though i am all of those things…
some days it feels like all that i am is worthless in the grand scheme of life.
And the worst part is I know I am not alone in how I feel….
Discipline and creativity
I am struggling to finish what i start. I keep finding new ideas….which is awesome. Then I have none that are getting finished because there is me working on new stuff. So i have been making myself work on all of my projects that are in progress. trying to build discipline and actually finish one. If i finish all of these then I will be a hugely published chick…lol. I am afraid I am led by my creativity too often. I avoid the writing prompts so as not to add to the growing list of W.I.P.’s but I still end up with a story idea now and then that smacks me. The newest one came from a discussion with another writer about how I hate to title my stories. She sent me to a random generator for titles. (Thank you) However instead of helping me to title what I already have, It gave me a new avenue to explore. I ended up doing research (yes i have a scary search history….I am a writer. I must explore the random crap that pops into my head.) And writing the first hundred or so words on the story. The only thing I am sure on with that story so far is the Title…
so far my titles for my Wip’s are:
Journeys (A story about a lost individual fighting to survive…with amnesia and while injured)
Elizabeth ( A story about a noblewoman and her ancestors mostly told in journal format)
Last Forever ( a love story about a young girl raising her siblings and struggling to find her way in life)
The Incubus and Ysobel ( a half demon hunting her father and finding herself along the way) * btw this is the new one.
Jhai’s Tale ( a drow assassin and a kobold thief form a unlikely partnership while trying to avoid the temple of Lloth and find her siblings.)
Beyond Focus ( a young girl of fae decent finds herself in the land of the fae and has to adjust to the change that happens in her)
Broken Wastelands ( a post apocalyptic steampunk tale of a girl and her mutant)
Builder’s University ( a scifi story about creatures that eat intellegence…and the university they hide in. And the student who is out to stop them)
And I will eventually do one more (at least) children’s story in the bedtime tales line. (that line are stories I told my daughter and she asked me to write them and publish…)
That story will be Bedtime tales: The princess lost
I have trouble titling my poetry as well, so often in my poetry volumes I list them only by the first line. What about you? Is it hard to title your stories or poems? And what is your inspirations?
Sanity
A conversation with a friend earlier has all sorts of interesting thoughts going through my head. I am a survivor. My idiosyncrasies all have solid reasons. Yes I am extremely claustrophobic. I was once locked in the trunk of a car and told I would die there. So I earned that fear. Sanity really is dependant on how you view things. I am for all I can be sane….However I have lived through enough to make me wary of somethings. So there are people who would question my mental states. Not all who are insane are such truly, most have been made that way by living a difficult life. Before you judge the behaviours another displays, ask yourself if you know their entire story. Sometimes instead of judging, offer a kind word. You might make a difference. In today’s society I fear many are less than sane. It is because so many end up suffering.
If you are suffering and feeling alone…please reach out for help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
