Tag: Mental Health

Saturday Thoughts

This is my work in progress list… and how I keep track of my word count.

This week has been a flat mess. I updated windows because it wanted me to…only to have it bork my desktop. Yes I have a laptop that I can do work on…but it is old as hell and it does not have my current files. And guess who has been lax about backing up the last two weeks?? Yeah so it is my own fault. Still, Joe is trying to save my files. I should know by later today if I have to repeat two weeks worth of publishing work.

Thankfully it is not impossible. Just a pain. I plan to switch OS to Linux. The only reason I have stuck to Windows so long is many of my games do not like Linux. I have switched to freeware or open source a long time ago to make using Linux on my laptop easier. I am wanting to try Bazzite. I have Mint on my Laptop. (yeah I am a computer geek. lol)

The stress of my computer going down has the insomnia back.

Joe has been kind enough to let me use his computer. That has kept me able to do. I got Serena’s Kid’s week book set up. I also got one of mine. I am hoping that all the lovely kid’s books I wrote last year while I was so sick I will be able to get set up and ready for kid’s week. This years offerings are already shaping up to be amazing. We have at least one more in the Odd Sock Series by Michelle Caine and one by Andrew McDowell that is just adorable. I know at least one other author is attempting to meet the deadline…plus the children’s anthology.

Adding in Serena’s and at least two maybe four from me… we will have a delightful lineup.

I wish I could say I have been stress writing this week.,.. My mind has been bouncing due to wondering how much work I have ahead of me. So I got some writing in, and some art…but as is the way of such things… Not near the amount I would have liked.

My thoughts

My thoughts

litmus test is a scientific method using treated paper to check if a liquid is an acid or a base. In daily life, people use it as a common phrase for a single, simple test that helps make a big decision or show a person’s true views. (From Merriam webster)

I have had people tell me various litmus tests to being a good person. Many of them required things that as my body has aged were not possible for me. Or at least not consistently possible.

I have always considered myself to be a good person. Judging based on how I put the cart back or don’t use “cripple” carts are not in my mind good indications. Instead, I will judge myself based on the kindness I show.

Do I return grocery carts? Yes, when I am able. But sometimes I need to lean on that cart to walk, which means I can’t return it and still return to my vehicle. Do I use the “Cripple” Cart? yeah…because again some days I cannot walk. Judgements based on such things are ableism at best, cruel at worst.

There are other “Litmus Tests” that have been presented over the years. Honestly, All of them have flaws if you use them to judge how a person is good or bad. Is the person generally kind? Everyone has bad days. So I refuse to judge a person based on an always statement. Instead look at how they act Most of the time. Look at how they treat those who are not their equal. (Ex Children, and Animals) Look at how they treat themselves and their community. Are they cruel by nature? These are things I will judge a person on…and even then I lean towards the idea that it might just be a bad day.

I prefer against judging others as I hate being judged. Still, many are quick to do just that. Not many are privy to my life. So telling me that I have to pass some imaginary standard to be a good human…well it is not appropriate. Instead, try living your own life as a good person and stop nosing in others lives.

Saturday thoughts

Meme - Feeling Invisible

I will be going back to the other sort of Saturday post hopefully next week. I am feeling rotten, and the world just seems awful lately. So I thought I would again share my thoughts. (I did not get Saturday Scheduled ahead so this is a last minute scramble for a post as well)

This has been a rough week. Lots of Doctor visits and medical tests. I fell twice. And I feel like I got nothing done. Perhaps that is why I am doing the switch on the post. I need to feel like there is more to me than just what I get done.

I know how to do so many things. I can do resin crafts, sewing, Plastic Canvas, Needlepoint, Digital art, Coding in C++, Calligraphy, Acrylic and Watercolor Painting, Candlemaking, Soapmaking, Play Piano, Book binding, Offset Printing, First Aid, Graphic/Cover Design, basic jewelry design, metal working, wood working, Bread baking, Basic cooking, writing stories & poetry, Editing, and so much more. Still there are days when I feel like I am useless.

Why? because I couldn’t do the mamogram on the right side because of pain. Because my hands curl due to arthritis. Because I get so dizzy I randomly lose my balance. Because I legitimately forget to eat. I struggle to remember to take the pharmacy I am supposed to take twice a day. (20 pills in the morning, 18 pills at night, and a shot once a week) I either stay awake 3-4 days at a time or I sleep 24 hours straight. and I never feel rested. So I feel useless a lot. Am I? nah, but that doesn’t mean that feeling is any less. I didn’t even mention that I taught myself how to publish. I have taught myself most of the skills I have. The only “Talent” I have (An ability that I did not need to practice or study) is writing poetry…and even that I have improved by simply practicing. So if, like me, you are feeling useless….stop and list all that you know how to do. I believe it will help you feel better about you.

Thursday Thoughts

Thursday Thoughts
Meme - Overthinking

So I posted about an anthology that Serena is in. It really is such a lovely book. The other authors are amazing…and I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong there. The story I wrote was decent…I am not going to claim it was awful or any crap like that. But there is an Introduction in the front of the book that lists that authors as the top horror and dark romance authors…And my brain goes ok now I am guilty of lying to these amazing people.

Imposter syndrome is such a tough thing to grapple with. Most of the best authors I know fight with it. It can seriously cripple even the best writer to a mess and make writing a defeated blank on an overthinking mind…

So, I am struggling with my own brain. I don’t want to accept the idea that I am unable to tell the stories locked inside the squishy lump calling itself my brain.

Backing up

Meme - Overthinking

so I am about to get a new computer and that means I have to back up my files.

I am going back to the old files back up and cleaning them up…

I am feeling like a disaster because I keep my files so completely organized on my computer…and the back up is not.

I realize I am letting my brain be mean to me..

but I also am allowing my brain to think about it so I can deal with the reasons why it bothered me ..

Musical ah ha moment

Meme - Overthinking

So my boyfriend and I have different views on the song popular monster. I prefer the one by Falling in Reverse  and he prefers Halocene’s version. This is really not a big thing. We have different views on songs that we both like and we just deal with the other persons view.

We were going to a appointment today and his vehicle so he gets to choose the music. He played popular monster and it was an ah ha moment for me. Halocene’s voice is the same register as I sing in my head… So I like the other one because I can enjoy the song. Halocenes version ends up being my inner voice.

And that song is a little bit too close to home.

Answer the question

My daughter is actually too smart for my own good.

We were having a conversation and she got slightly aggravated with me. I know she probably phrased it slightly differently but the gist of what she said was that she had heard me tell her father that I don’t see him as the villain, and I don’t want him to be my hero. Her question was “well why the hell not? who rescues you?”

I don’t know how to explain to her that I don’t want to be rescued. I am my own hero…. and I tried to tell her that. She said that she had never seen me choose myself over them. I have always chosen the best for her and him. She said she didn’t understand. I chose the best for the best part of my life. How do I even begin to explain it?

She is my whole world. Don’t get me wrong, I love my other two children but I didn’t get to raise either of them… and then add in the two miscarriages I had before her. I can’t have any more children. I wanted a house full when I was younger.  I found having her was enough.

She always seems to know what to say and when I just need her to be around. She has such a delightful eclectic taste in music and an artistic bent. She is so empathetic and she has a definite view of the world.

So, she is my whole reason to want to be a better person. And she gets mad at me for not being selfish.

How does it work?

Wild Wednesday

I am certain I can do the deadline for Tears of the Broken.

I don’t know if I will be able to get it done with a huge amount of leeway but it will be done by the deadline.

I promised if I was certain I could I would reveal my next volume today.

If you follow me on Facebook at all you have seen the cover. I have an album that I dump all the new ones that I create into.

Ever since creation this has been on my mind.

I generally choose a word for each year. most years it has not been something I have put a lot of weight on. This year the word is Hope.

So I thought Hope Splashes would be a good one for this year… but I think it wants to be written sooner rather than later.

I wanted to share all of the covers here but it was too much for WordPress. Hence why my post for last week. I found the limit 😞.

Lifts when you least expect

So between the stress of the normal holidays and vehicle issues… I have been a little bit more than usual fighting with my internal demons. To the point where it has even interrupted the writing. Usually the fight feeds the writing…

I’m not sure what the difference is this year but I have been struggling. That being said… my friend Jenny Elliott – writer, and Fae Corps intern…chose the best way to cheer me up.

She has been reading my The Voices within volume. And she came to a poem and decided to tell me that I was more than enough.

Screenshot she sent me.

Then she has been busy with making marketing stuff for Fae Corps and I keep running across my books there.

Though I know it was a part of her job…it really does feel like I have made some difference in this world.

Sometimes we can’t see the world around us for the immediate struggle we are dealing with.

Remember you never know what your reviews will do for the author.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

No one knows just what has become of her
Shattered doll, desperate
Oh so innocent and delicate
But too damn obdurate
And obstinate to let go
Broken down, hurt again, it never ends
Frightened and trembling
Did she fall again? An accident?
Her eyes encircled in black again
I can’t believe that she’s still with him
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
Look inside see what has become of her
Hiding within again
Can she pick herself up again?
It’s just too difficult and arduous to let go
Homicide flashes through her mind again
No more pain, take control
If he raises his hand again
She’ll find her freedom in killing him
The world will see that she’s had enough
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
For how long will you deny?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
Broken down, hurt again
It never ends


My 2 Cents –

This song is often taken as speaking of an abused woman. I have always seen it as masking in any form. Being who you are not in any relationship is a torture. If you love someone, accept them for who they are. No matter what they are.