This weekend I was easily able to make that goal and then some.
My daily goal? 250 word count and a poem. It doesn’t sound like a lot… but I don’t often make it. Between the publication process and life being what it is… I stay busy.
I had no Internet and no computer and no access to the phone where I have been. So I was just able to draw and write.
I got a new kids book written, several poems, and Serena got quite a bit of her new story for the spring fae corps Anthology done. (It’s about half way written now). I was only gone for a weekend.
Maybe I need to plan on writing retreats. Serena needs to start putting some work in on her books. Next year this is an option for me.
But being out of contact is anxiety inducing for me. This is a wonderful thing for my writing but it is not a good thing for me personally. It is something I will have to think about.
Mayday, mayday, the ship is slowly sinking They think I’m crazy but they don’t know the feeling They’re all around me circling like vultures They wanna break me and wash away my colors Wash away my colors Take me high and I’ll sing Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay) We are one and the same Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away) Save me if I become my demons I cannot stop this sickness taking over It takes control and drags me into nowhere I need your help, I can’t fight this forever I know you’re watching, I can feel you out there Take me high and I’ll sing Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay) We are one and the same Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away) Save me if I become my demons Take me over the walls below Fly forever, don’t let me go I need a savior to heal my pain When I become my worst enemy The enemy Take me high and I’ll sing You make everything okay We are one and the same You take all of the pain away Take me high and I’ll sing Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay) We are one and the same Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away) Save me if I become my demons Take me high and I’ll sing Oh, you make everything (my demons) okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay, my demons) We are one and the same Oh, you take all of the pain (my demons) away, away, away (away, away, away, my demons) Save me if I become my demons
My 2 Cents –
My demons here lately are loud…and I end up feeling like I am constantly at war. Whilst I war within I might seem strange and distant…I am not, and I apologize if it seems that way. This is just how I fight this war.
No matter how much I do. No matter what I list as my accomplishments.
I refuse to listen. So I have been in defiance doing art and writing.
Though I see it as flawed…my view of my art and writing always says that there is no reason why anyone would like it…
I have purposely not been allowing my inner voice the ability to take control.
It is an actual fight.
Tonight I am winning.
The art above was done tonight.
Echoes is now 65/70 poems
Serena’s Gathered Bones is at 13/70 poems
Kingdoms of sin got another 500 words tonight.
There is a story started for Fae Corps publishing’s Spring anthology.
And I did another digital landscape.
I have still got work that needs done. Things that are sitting on my desk with a needs attention tag on them…but tonight I was in the wrong headspace for editing and for making sure that things looked their best. Tonight I did my best to create.
Because when you are feeling like you are not enough – MAKE MORE! so I did.
And if it is flawed…well some of the best loved things are flawed. that does not make them loved any less.
I have been doing the publishing stuff since 2010. For my own personal stuff, then I started with Fae Corps in 2019.
I struggle with depression, PTSD, Migraines, and a whole bunch of other health issues. Which is why I don’t do more than I do. Fae Corps does limited books because I don’t have the ability to do anything more.
I use several platforms to publish the books, with a few routines to make the work easier for me to accomplish. And I always leave plenty of time on the deadline so I don’t ever get pressured for time. Hence why we are starting to take the children’s book submissions for the kids week books now.
One of the places that I have used for publishing is draft2digital.com and I will continue to for the ebooks. Their print option however is awful. I stopped using them when we were getting reports of the cover for the books being delivered cockeyed.
Now I do the same place as they did separately. Better quality. The trick for their ebook set up is to prevent them from messing with the layout. So the only way to do that is to provide an epub file… which means I have learned how to make that.
That was in 2020 that I stopped using them for print. I really don’t know what I have been thinking. Someone pointed out that the print was wrong for Through the Sunshine… so I checked. I care about the quality of our books. So I will always check. Yes it is something that I can fix. Something that I should have already done.
Now, I am asking myself. Is the 17 books that I still have to port over a sign of laziness? Or that I have been doing too much? And should I even get upset with myself over the whole thing?
Honestly I think that I am just going to get it done and write it off as a learning experience. If I beat myself up over it, well it will just be longer for me to get it done.
The 17 books are a mix of the early Anthologies for Fae Corps Publishing and some of my poetry volumes. In order to get it fixed I will have to take it off sale on the one place and put it back up on the other two. So I am going to be doing this one book at a time. It should only have each book down for around a week in print only.
I will get each of them updated on their books2read.com links. I plan on posting on fae corps publishing as I have each book updated. This is a ridiculous amount of work and I am probably still going to be dealing with this well into the next year.
I have been doing the layout for Muse’s Masterpiece, dealing with the anthologies for Fae Corps Publishing, and I am sick. And I look around at the new poetry volume…there is only 3 poems in it so far.
My housework has fallen behind…
And everything aches…
And the squirrel brain says that I am a failure because I am not writing.
Sometimes we have to learn to tell our brains to shut up.
I am doing all that I am capable of right now.
And if anything I need to slow down, rest more because my body is still not feeling well.
So, hush you squishy ball of overworked fat. I am doing as much as I can do.
I have this year struggled to find a therapist. I wish I could say it is all my doing that is causing this disconnect. At least then I could point the finger and go…This is what I need to fix. I wish I could just heal my mind and never need therapy again. (I literally just had a therapist accuse me of wanting to be broken because it was all I have ever known. I can’t even explain to her what damage she added to me.)
Some days are better than others.
Some days I fight and find myself actually happy. I enjoy the moments that life gives me…I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy the moments where I do something and it feels like I am doing it right.
The problem is those moments are not as often as I need them to be.
The other problem is I don’t have the people I need to share those moments with.
I have friends. I have family. I just don’t want to bother them. So I am lonely. In the fishbowl of the internet.
Today…
Perhaps I am a little more willing to show the vulnerability, and say that having mental health issues sucks.
It’s Sunday when I am doing the blog posts… and I find myself struggling to find a topic for the week. This week has been longer than usual for me… and we are going to be heading into a rough area of the year.
Why is that you might ask? Because of my birthday. It is the 13th of March. I struggle with my own birthday. The reason is that I honestly never expected to make it to 30… and I am going to be 48. I don’t know what to do with myself.
So I don’t know if I will be able to get the blog up for the week surrounding the 13th. I am already stressed out and struggling with my mental health.
I plan on trying to get it done… but I want to warn you that I am struggling with this one. That way if I don’t manage it no one is surprised. Yes, I do realize that I have a week before then… but I’m also starting to feel the quicksand of the birthday blues. So I am going to state the issue now and hope that I can overcome it by then.
I don’t know what you had in mind But here we stand on opposing sides
Let’s go to war Let’s go to war
We arm ourselves with the wrongs we’ve done Name them off one by one
Let’s go to war Let’s go to war
Everything you say Everything you do You push it in And you cut me down And you cut me down
War, war, war
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe
Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe?
Hush my baby; make no sound Maybe we can wait each other out It’s a cold war Let’s go to war
With every settled score I thought that fighting with meant fighting for But you turn it around But you turn it around
War, war, war
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe Screaming at the ones we love
Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe
Do we feel safe? Do we feels safe? Do we feel safe?
Do we censor or do we flow? Are we drunk on the chemicals? Every feeling in my bones tells me to lash out And tell you to fuck off
You’ve got my heart And I’ve got your soul But are we better off alone?
With every battle we lose a little more Remember everything that we’d die for You are everything that I’d die for
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds that we feel safe
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe
Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe?
My 2 Cents – I thought I should talk about the title for my current volume. Internal Battlefields. I feel like all mental health is an internal war. we fight a battle every day against our own minds. This song feels like the anthem for this volume. So, LET’S GO TO WAR!
Strike first Make it hurt When everyone assumes the worst I never have to say I’m sorry Spiteful Ruinous I’m all things you feared I was Another villain in your story You think that I’m a spitfire? You should Afraid you’re on my bad side? That’s good If I wanted to end you I could I could I’m sinking down If you only knew how hard it is For me to climb out I’m kicking and screaming But no one can hear me So what happens now? The shadows are creeping in I didn’t ask for I didn’t ask for this Cold rage Hides the shame Of images I can’t escape Scars that live under the surface It’s strange What I became When part of me was ripped away And replaced with something worthless You think that I’m a spitfire? You should Afraid you’re on my bad side? That’s good If I wanted to end you I could I could I’m sinking down If you only knew how hard it is For me to climb out I’m kicking and screaming But no one can hear me So what happens now? The shadows are creeping in I didn’t ask for I didn’t ask for this Take what’s left Of my fractured heart Bloodstained ’cause The pieces are so sharp Take what’s left Of my fractured heart Bloodstained ’cause The pieces are so sharp I’m sinking down If you only knew how hard it is For me to climb out I’m kicking and screaming But no one can hear me So what happens now? The shadows are creeping in I didn’t ask for I didn’t ask for this Never forget I didn’t ask for this
My 2 Cents – this time of year is so freaking hard. No one asks for the mental health issues. No one asks for trauma. No one asks for the feeling like they are just unlovable…yet…so many people feel like they are. It costs you nothing to be kind, to be patient.
The voices in my head keep on telling me to pray ‘Cause I’m spinning like a carousel, circling the drain Hit the bottom of the bottle, I don’t wanna feel the pain But that is all I got for now, I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep on begging me to stay If I pull the trigger now then the demons go away And I know my time is coming so there ain’t no time to waste So that is all I got for now, I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep telling me to choose a side It’s heaven or hell like it’s do or die I’m a sad boy, you know better Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m not okay It’s feeling like a hurricane in my brain Dark clouds, hard times, bad weather Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die) And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized) They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie) I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep giving me the worst advice Kamikaze crash like a suicide I’m a lost boy, you know better Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m insane And maybe I’m a little bit, that won’t change Dark clouds, hard times, bad weather Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die) And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized) They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie) I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about The voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse We’re all gonna die but first things first I’ma take the world with me when they put me in the dirt The voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse We’re all gonna die but first things first I’ma take the world with me when they put me in the dirt Move (Move) Voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse We’re all gonna die, first things first I’ma take the world with me when they put me in the dirt The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die) And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized) They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie) I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep on telling me to pray ‘Cause I’m spinning like a carousel, circling the drain Hit the bottom of the bottle, I don’t wanna feel the pain I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it
My 2 Cents – this is the time of year when mental health is the hardest to deal with. Addiction, family issues, and simply put trauma responses end up making it more than disaster… and then those who are trying to find the way to handle the mental health problems end up feeling like they are to blame for ruining the holidays. You can really never tell what someone else is going through. Be kind, please.
Pattimouse 