my desk is piled high and I am desperately trying trying to get caught up.
I am so far behind because of the flare that I am struggling to keep from sending my body back in to a meltdown state.
so I may not be able to meet deadlines. I am going to try. but I am not aiming to be down again.
To be honest I did not know what to say this week.
How often can you complain about the same thing before even you start to see it as just whining? And that is often the thing with chronic illness…we end up feeling like we are whining. No one wants to hear that it hurts for the millionth time. We can’t do anything that remotely feels useful.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is interested in the dribble I do have to say. Then I think about it and realize that it doesn’t matter. I still need to speak my truth. I still have to get up and fight every day. Giving up is not in the cards.
So, Though I really didn’t know what to say today…I wanted to at the very least say HI. I Exist!
So I posted about an anthology that Serena is in. It really is such a lovely book. The other authors are amazing…and I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong there. The story I wrote was decent…I am not going to claim it was awful or any crap like that. But there is an Introduction in the front of the book that lists that authors as the top horror and dark romance authors…And my brain goes ok now I am guilty of lying to these amazing people.
Imposter syndrome is such a tough thing to grapple with. Most of the best authors I know fight with it. It can seriously cripple even the best writer to a mess and make writing a defeated blank on an overthinking mind…
So, I am struggling with my own brain. I don’t want to accept the idea that I am unable to tell the stories locked inside the squishy lump calling itself my brain.
Lyrics –
Out of balance and you fell into the ocean again
My heart was sinking when I saw you didn’t know how to swim
Tried to pull you out, you said, “Just let me drown”
You won’t let go of all the things that bring you down
Then I jumped into the water, darkness covered my head
You pulled me down into the deep, I tried to give you my breath
But you didn’t care
I touched your face and said
“I’ve got to let you go, I’m running out of air”
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
Took off my cape, this superhero will not save you again
You are the one who wears a mask, you are the one who pretends
That you don’t need my help
Now I’ve got nothing left
Maybe the bravest thing I can do is to save myself
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
Tried to give you my breath, but I’ve got nothing left
Maybe the bravest thing I can do is to save myself
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
My 2 cents –
I heard this song recently and it really resonates. I so often give until I have nothing left…then I feel guilty about walking away.
Today is thanksgiving in the US. (Happy Holidays if you celebrate…)
And that last bit is part of the issue. Everyone is expecting HAPPY. Holidays are sometimes a time of grief. Or a time of extra stress. This is true no matter which holiday it is. So I ask if you are struggling…reach out. There is always someone willing to listen. You Matter!!!
For me, this is a hard one. So I am hiding in the writing and video games…and other work to avoid the emotional damage that today will bring. I hope that each of you are having a day where you are able to give yourself the space and the grace that you need.
So, I had decided to take the publishing Demystified and turn it into a book. I didn’t think it past the idea that I could do it in a book. I didn’t think about what it would do to my blog. I am going to be thinking about it through the month of November. Any suggestions you have might give me something to think about.
I will be posting at least twice a day because of the 2 P.A.D. challenges throughout November and I will not be posting my normal posts during that time.
I am not sure which way I will be doing for the poetry yet. I may be doing a bit of both. After all one will make my Instagram active too.
I love what I do. I love the results of my work. I just have had a lot more on my plate lately than I expected. I had a friend recently reach out and ask how I was doing…and it caught me off guard. I was touched by the idea that she would even ask. I think I forget that I might matter sometimes.
so I am about to get a new computer and that means I have to back up my files.
I am going back to the old files back up and cleaning them up…
I am feeling like a disaster because I keep my files so completely organized on my computer…and the back up is not.
I realize I am letting my brain be mean to me..
but I also am allowing my brain to think about it so I can deal with the reasons why it bothered me ..
I have in the last few days gone from feeling amazing to invisible .
I don’t feel like I am unique in this.
Especially when the season starts to change .
However I just want to let you know I see you …even if you feel invisible.
Poetry is designed for politics. Have you read mine?
Pattimouse 