Category: Self esteem

Inside my own head

Meme - Overthinking

I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.

I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.

I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.

I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.

So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.

I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.

Therapy thoughts

Meme - Overthinking

I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.

I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design.  and sometimes I am even a decent person.

in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.

so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.

Size is the judge

Meme

so I had the first visit with a new dr Friday. Yesterday I got in email notes from the visit. Now before I get to the reason why I was upset about the notes…I need to state a bit of history. I have been 450 lbs at the largest I ever got. I have been on every diet possible as a teenager. I have been fighting with disordered eating for years. I barely eat once a day and I eat a proper portion when I do. it’s all in my chart.

so I looked at the notes and the doctor said I should be assigned behavioral counseling for obesity. I am sitting at 278. which is even 10 lbs less than the last time I was there.

I am still around 50 lbs more than I want to be…,but I will always be obese as I am 5’2. according to the bmi chart I would hit obese at 120. I have no way to get that small.

so I will be looking for a new dr and I had a good cry.

Perfect is overrated

Meme - Feeling Invisible

So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.

I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.

No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.

So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.

There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.

Don’t judge progress on word count alone

Today I only managed to do one poem and one art piece….at least on paper. I also scheduled a week of blogs for Fae corps publishing. I got 3 books adjusted on Ingram and one on Amazon. I squeezed in my daily routine for my games. I fixed most of an epub. I designed a new cover. I ate two meals (which is an accomplishment by itself). I helped my son with the sick chicken (she is getting better). I finished the editing from the betas for the story Serena is submitting to Killing Stroke. (Adding another 280 words there) Note how little of what I did is on the list of word counts?

    some days I don’t have the ability to do even the amount I have listed, some days I manage more. If I were to base my self esteem on my words count – well I would be miserable. I do more than I often think I do. I am willing to bet that you are too.

Thoughts

Book Discussion

I occasionally get introspective.

I keep a list of my personal books I have written as a guide to remind me of my own accomplishments. There are days where I don’t believe that I am worthy. That list helps me find my own worth on days where it feels like it doesn’t exist.

Now I have been told that my personal book list is daunting. I have been doing this publishing thing since 2010…and I still have a nasty case of imposter syndrome.

Most people who read my blog know that I write as Patricia Harris and as Serena Mossgraves.

Serena Mossgraves currently only has 11 books published. Not terribly daunting, but I can see it would be slightly intimidating .

Patricia Harris however has a bibliography of epic proportions. I counted 68 books published under that name. yeah it’s daunting.  I have been doing better than I thought.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I have been doing things of worth.

New site name!

Meme - Feeling Invisible

Well I managed to get the blog covered. I am now pattimouse.blog

I am going to be trying to post at least a poem a week during May to keep my blog somewhat writing based during my art challenge month. Also I have been accepted for the poetry Marathon. I am going to try to post the poetry from that here as well. That is happening on May 15th.

There might be some other announcements upcoming soon but I am done for now.

MerMay Day 3

the prompt was Whale

Love is

what is Love for you ?

Becoming Fiction

Poetry

By Serena Mossgraves

I live in a world where biography's  
Indicate fictional characters 
Which apparently means there is naught 
That we in the real world could learn from them... 
 
History is become  
the darkness that clouds  
what lay ahead of us, 
Instead of shedding light 
on where we have been. 

And as I struggle 
                  to light the path 
for those around me 
Feeling as though  
                 this might just be a war  
I cannot win... 

I realize that even if I 
am becoming fiction... 
I still will never be the person 
that they want in the end....

I was watching a video of The North Omaha Cat Lady. Incredible creator. She was reacting to a comment claiming Anne Frank was a fictional character. Admittedly that inspired Serena’s Poem, and broke my heart. Anne Frank was an incredible young lady. There have been very few biographical books I have enjoyed over the course of time I have been a reader, and her diary was one. The other that stands out was the nine days queen…the story of Lady Jane Grey.

Please if all of the best historical people are to become fiction…then let us still learn from their example. Just because something is fiction does not stop the truth behind it. We can learn from history, from fiction and from each other if we just open our hearts and our minds.

Right now is a scary time to be alive, especially if you live anywhere in the USA. I really try not to be too political on here as I don’t feel like that is what most people come to my blog for. However, having said that…Sometimes it hurts to be self aware in a time of political turmoil and unrest.