Category: pain

In the loneliness

here i sit uncertain and alone,
Planning uncertainty
for so little is known.
Hearing the negative,
so loud inside my head,
Tossing and turning.
can’t go to bed.

Those who should praise me
Do naught but to doubt,
Those who should see me,
For them i am not really around.
Invisible and struggling.
Sinking when I should swim,
The ocean of doubt crashes within
The struggle about
Just trying to begin.

I know better than to hear
The darkness within
I know i am better than I ever
possibly have been.
Yet in the loneliness,
Deep in the night,
That is when the voice within
is hardest to fight,
when no one is there
to help fight it off.
no one is there to remind you
of the cost

How has the times changed…

I remember as a Preteen hating to wear my hair short. I have always been bulky and slightly tomboyish. So I was picked on because apparently I looked like a boy…even though I had breasts. So I always wore my hair long back then. I fought for the ability to wear it long. Tonight I had a talk with my preteen daughter. She fights to wear her hair short (because it requires less care). I asked her if she gets picked on because of her hair. Her response was that she doesn’t get picked on, apparently she is invisible.
I guess in these times of gender neutrality it makes sense. I was her age in 1988…so many things have changed in that time. There are other differences as well. In my daughter’s time there is so many more hazards that were either not there or not obvious when I was her age. I remember the struggles and try to use that when dealing with her, but even with that memory it is so different for her than it was for me, so there are times when the generation gap feels like a chasm.

Abuse

         Okay I have put this one on hold.  And that is because it isn’t an easy topic.  I survived. And I am far from the only one. So It isn’t a topic I feel comfortable with.  It’s not a topic anyone should feel comfortable with. 
          Before I get any farther into this topic…. if you are being abused,  get help. If you are feeling suicidal because of all you have suffered call 
1 (800) 273-8255. It’s a hotline.
                 There are so many forms of abuse.  And there is even forms of self abuse.  As I really don’t want to go too far into most of them for the possibly triggering effects it can have on those reading this. 
        The thing about abuse is though it can take many forms,  it always has the same effects.  Damage to the mind and body and souls of those who are abused.  The survivors often feel alone and anxious. Please if you have survived…know you aren’t alone.

Body positivity

                This topic is one i fully support.  Now understand,  even though i am a big girl,  it’s all bodies and body types i think we need to be positive of. No one should feel ugly for not fitting a certain body type. Unfortunately,  as a society,  we fail our children.  We teach them to worry about appearance far more than we should.  There is starting to be a movement that is helping.  Tess Holiday and her #effyourbeautystandards. However many see it as a fat positive movement.   While yes it is, it is also about beauty in all forms.  It’s about no longer judging anyone based on appearance alone. My daughter is twelve.  She is chubby.  And so I have had to work hard to have her with a good self esteem.  She really is beautiful.

image

  However because of the beauty standards of others,  she doesn’t feel like she is. So yes,  as a woman,  as a mother of a beautiful girl,  I really like the body positive movement.  Every body has flaws. Every body is beautiful.  It’s really all in how you look at it.

Madness is subjective

image

                         Life has a funny way of pushing forward,  no matter how we want to stop and reevaluate.  I have spent a significant portion of my life considering sanity.  Afraid of being mad, and trying to prevent that slide into deeper pockets of madness.  I joke that I am as sane as I have ever been… but to be honest I am not sure sanity is something that truly exists.  I think as a whole the human race has slowly been decending into a state of madness.  We put such a stigma on it.  Just in America there are millions who suffer….yes millions.  a statistics site about mental health. So why do we make these people feel worse for their suffering?  I think it’s a form of fear.  We fear what similarity we see in them.  So we push it away.  Instead, we should try to understand that which drives the mind down such different paths.

Individual I

Blending in,
For now everyone
Has the traits
That used to mark me
As unique.

My idiosyncrasies
Are now community,
Nothing new or remarkable
In my mind today.

Was individual,
And even slightly weird,
Now everyone does
What i began.

So now i sit
And slightly sigh.
For looking around,
And dreaming that I
Could return to the time
When I was unique
Just once more.

I spoke the truth

I spoke the truth
In a tiny voice,
I spoke the truth
To be told i lied.

I hang my head
in utter shame,
For i spoke the truth,
And you turned away.

I shook my hands,
With a frustrated cry,
Trying to just be heard.
I spoke the truth,
I did not lie.

I was brave,
Though inside i feared,
I spoke the truth,
It was denied.

How can i believe
That i will be safe?
For all is how he said,
I spoke the truth,
No one heard.

Grown and wary,
Weak and weary.
Haunted by what
Cannot ever be undone.

I spoke the truth,
When will i be
Believed?

Homeless

There’s room at the inn,
But I have no money to pay.
The world is cold tonight,
And I have no place to stay.

No I am not lazy,
Nor too awful crazy.
Things just really have not
Been going my way.

My stomach is a growling,
My head has been a spinning,
Yet not a bite can I find
For me to eat.

No jobs available for me to find,
Want a hand up?
must be outta my mind.

There’s room at the inn,
But I’ve no money to pay.

Distorted imagery

You see me
As internet celebrity,
With no sign of lifestyle
Truth in chains.
Not one person
Really knowing me,
Hidden behind an easy profile.
According to you,
Written with naught
But imagination and lies.

Could it be?
that it’s you who
doesn’t see?
Who does not know
The real me?
quietly hiding,
From what you never
Tried to see.
Deeply imbedded
Within us.

Oh boy. A b topic i forgot

     That would be back aches and spasms. I have a crapton of house work to do and am in too much pain to do anything.  Even writing hurts.   So….hopefully tomorrow i will be able to squeeze in some writing time.  Its my girls birthday so i will be spending as much time with her(and making cake pops for her birthday)  as possible. Add in the back issues and i may be crying before the end of tomorrow.