Words, tool or weapon?

                     I am a writer,  a poet. A lot of what I write is gibberish to start. I then go back and polish, much as one would polish a gem. It is for me the easiest way I know to deal with major issues is to write it  out.  However here lately I often find myself needing to watch more of what I say.  It’s so easy to be careless with our words….and those careless words can do more harm than  we realize. I have always understood this.  One of my favorite poems,  that i discovered in High School,  spoke of this….
——————————————————————–
The Stone
By Wilfred Wilson Gibson

“And will you cut a stone for him,
To set above his head?
And will you cut a stone for him–
A stone for him?” she said.

Three days before, a splintered rock
Had struck her lover dead–
Had struck him in the quarry dead,
Where, careless of a warning call,
He loitered, while the shot was fired–
A lively stripling, brave and tall,
And sure of all his heart desired . . .
A flash, a shock,
A rumbling fall . . .
And, broken ‘neath the broken rock,
A lifeless heap, with face of clay,
And still as any stone he lay,
With eyes that saw the end of all.

I went to break the news to her:
And I could hear my own heart beat
With dread of what my lips might say;
But some poor fool had sped before;
And, flinging wide her father’s door,
Had blurted out the news to her,
Had struck her lover dead for her,
Had struck the girl’s heart dead in her,
Had struck life, lifeless, at a word,
And dropped it at her feet:
Then hurried on his witless way,
Scarce knowing she had heard.

And when I came, she stood alone–
A woman, turned to stone:
And, though no word at all she said,
I knew that all was known.

Because her heart was dead,
She did not sigh nor moan.
His mother wept:
She could not weep.
Her lover slept:
She could not sleep.
Three days, three nights,
She did not stir:
Three days, three nights,
Were one to her,
Who never closed her eyes
From sunset to sunrise,
From dawn to evenfall–
Her tearless, staring eyes,
That, seeing naught, saw all.

The fourth night when I came from work,
I found her at my door.
“And will you cut a stone for him?”
She said: and spoke no more:
But followed me, as I went in,
And sank upon a chair;
And fixed her grey eyes on my face,
With still, unseeing stare.
And, as she waited patiently,
I could not bear to feel
Those still, grey eyes that followed me,
Those eyes that plucked the heart from me,
Those eyes that sucked the breath from me
And curdled the warm blood in me,
Those eyes that cut me to the bone,
And cut my marrow like cold steel.

And so I rose and sought a stone;
And cut it smooth and square:
And, as I worked, she sat and watched,
Beside me, in her chair.
Night after night, by candlelight,
I cut her lover’s name:
Night after night, so still and white,
And like a ghost she came;
And sat beside me, in her chair,
And watched with eyes aflame.

She eyed each stroke,
And hardly stirred:
she never spoke
A single word:
And not a sound or murmur broke
The quiet, save the mallet stroke.

With still eyes ever on my hands,
With eyes that seemed to burn my hands,
My wincing, overwearied hands,
She watched, with bloodless lips apart,
And silent, indrawn breath:
And every stroke my chisel cut,
Death cut still deeper in her heart:
The two of us were chiselling,
Together, I and Death.

And when at length my job was done,
And I had laid the mallet by,
As if, at last, her peace were won,
She breathed his name, and, with a sigh,
Passed slowly through the open door:
And never crossed my threshold more.

Next night I laboured late, alone,
To cut her name upon the stone.
—————————————————–

So I try to think before I speak… but I really have no filter. Most people who know me realize this and overlook the random strange that occasionally comes out from me. However I do try to be kind.  So much so that I have avoided a few topics because I know I cannot be kind.  While I would feel no problem with my actions when it comes to being cruel to those involved… being mean there brings me to close to acting like them.  Do you censor yourself on any topic?  If so why?

Silence is cruelty

               April is child abuse prevention  month.  So many of my friends, myself included,  are survivors. The thing about surviving is we mostly don’t talk about it. It becomes a dirty little thing that gets hidden because no one wants to hear the truth.  We get told to be quiet or told we are lying. This makes trying to heal all that much more problematic.  One of my friends is waiting to write her story until her mother dies. Simply because every time she tries to speak of what she went through,  her mother tells her not to. The man who molested me was allowed to harm others because when I finally stepped forward no one believed me. It took another to send him to jail. Another friend worries about her son as his father molested him, and was court ordered visiting rights.  Speaking up only works when it is believed. 

My voice shakes… but I have not lied. So for those today whom are out there fighting what you have survived… you are not alone. Speak… no matter who tries to silence you. Write,  if only for yourself,  no matter who tries to stop you. What you say, even if you are afraid,  may help you find your bravery.

Rainy days and Sick Mondays

I woke up aching all over. Now my daughter had it yesterday. So I figure it may just be a spring cold. Then I look out the window….Ugh. It is a dreary rainy day. It would certainly not be the first time my body reacted to the weather. Today every little thing has been setting off my anxieties. So here I am, a true mess. Instead of getting anything accomplished…I have been aching and bellyaching. I think today will just be a wash. However I am refusing to let the rain and dreary knock me down. I am making homemade chicken pizza (From dough i froze a couple of weeks ago) to pick up the spirits of my angel and I. Then after dinner dishes i will sit and try and write….even if I delete it tomorrow…I think the discipline may help me be a little less anxious.

Flowers in bloom, head goes boom

just an fyi….sinus season means lots of headaches. lots of me getting less done.  So I am fighting through it. I have mom details to see to. My sister and I are doing a cookbook project for her Faerie Marigold. I finally figured out the title for my sci-fi story. It will be called In the shadow of Kailaras. and managed yesterday to add a couple of hundred words to it. I managed to do a lot yesterday but feeling like caca means less today. as the sun goes down maybe i will be in less pain and be able to push through it.

Stress and its cause

I ended up blocking someone on Facebook yesterday. My reasons were simple. Them being in my life was causing me issues. Stress headaches are counterproductive for me. (probably for everyone). Normally this is no big deal and a no brainer. However this one was a big deal, this one hurt. She is the mother of my grandson. She has a habit of moving him around and keeping my son from knowing where he is. Now don’t get me wrong my son is not blameless in the whole mess. He has been lax in sending in support (because he was unemployed and looking for a job). Still my grandson is autistic. And in his three years of life she has moved ten times. So I worry because she is making it worse for the baby, and then instead of allowing his family at least contact, she uses him to play mind games. I cannot handle them anymore.  So I finally had enough and blocked her. It was painful and not an easy decision. Unfortunately because my son is still involved in it I know she is still playing the mind games, claiming that my son is trying to take her child away simply because he is worried about his son. I really hope she eventually realizes how badly she is hurting her son. I hope she realizes before doing any permanent harm to her son. I wish her luck in life, But I am done. I refuse to play her games and be the mom in the middle. Instead I will live my life and do what makes my life work. Under stress I can’t write. Under stress I can’t be a good mom to my youngest. So for the sake of my world, I have to accept that I can’t help my Grandson. That saddens me.  I hope she straightens up her act up before she ruins his life.

My block list is small. Less than ten in all. I only block if I need to for my own sanity. When I do it is because I can’t deal with the person at all. Why do you block? Or do you?

I am

I have always had issues with self image.

I am a poet.

I am a writer, published and paid.

I am a jewelry artist, who has made money.

I am an artist, for my own pleasure.

I am an attractive woman.

I am a mother. Of a full grown son and a preteen girl.

I am Momo (aka grandmother)

I am a computer geek who can program in C#

i am a game master who has been running games for nearly twenty years and has taught many to play.

I am a decent cook and a better baker Most of the time.

I am an intelligent and seeking mind.

I am a blogger.

I am occasionally funny.

I am a voracious reader.

I am a good listener, A fair friend, and a devoted girlfriend.

I am Loyal to a fault.

I am usually kind.

i am usually honest.

I try to be generous, i try to be understanding and i try to be a good friend.

Yet i fight the feeling of failure and fight feeling a lack of worth…

because even though i am all of those things…

some days it feels like all that i am is worthless in the grand scheme of life.

And the worst part is I know I am not alone in how I feel….

Don’t Blame Me

You see the darkness

That has seeped into my soul,

And fear the same that

Resides within you.

Do not hold me to blame

For seeing what you

Dare not.

Explore yourself,

And see what lies within.

Embrace it all

And fear it not,

For no part of who you are

Is meant to frighten.

I speak what lies

Within the human soul,

Within the human heart.

Those words are torn from

Experience that was hardest won.

Do not hold me to blame

For seeing what you

Dare not.

When you walk along

The path that I was forced to crawl,

And hold your head to the sky,

When I could barely see into another’s eyes.

Do not think to judge that escape

That the truth has wrought.

For in this life the truth

Is the only tool that I was allowed.

Sanity

A conversation with a friend earlier has all sorts of interesting thoughts going through my head. I am a survivor. My idiosyncrasies all have solid reasons. Yes I am extremely claustrophobic. I was once locked in the trunk of a car and told I would die there. So I earned that fear. Sanity really is dependant on how you view things. I am for all I can be sane….However I have lived through enough to make me wary of somethings. So there are people who would question my mental states. Not all who are insane are such truly, most have been made that way by living a difficult life. Before you judge the behaviours another displays, ask yourself if you know their entire story. Sometimes instead of judging, offer a kind word. You might make a difference.   In today’s society I fear many are less than sane. It is because so many end up suffering.

If you are suffering and feeling alone…please reach out for help.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish

 

Fear

fear /fir/
noun
plural noun: fears
1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
  1. “drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby’s murder”
    synonyms: terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation,dread, consternation, dismay, distress;

    anxiety, worry, angst, unease,uneasiness, apprehension, apprehensiveness, nervousness, nerves,perturbation, foreboding;
    informalthe creeps, the shivers, the willies,the heebie-jeebies, jitteriness, twitchiness, butterflies (in the stomach)
    “he felt fear at entering the house”
    informal hang-up
    “she overcame her fears”
verb
3rd person present: fears
  1. be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.
    “he said he didn’t care about life so why should he fear death?”
    synonyms: be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, be terrified of;

    be anxious about, worry about, feel apprehensive about
    “she feared her husband”
    have a phobia about, have a horror of, take fright at
    “he fears heights”

    We all have them. Some are more prominent than others. I am doing some research on fears as one of my stories are dealing with fear currently. I also researched it for personal reasons.  My fears have a logical reasons behind them. I logically understand that I have nothing to be afraid of. Still my fears exist, and on occasion they take control of my life. It means no closing myself into little rooms. No getting locked in someplace I cannot get out of. For all the logic of knowing why, I cannot seem to overcome it with logic. So I am curious…what are your fears? And what do you do to overcome?

the muse’s bite

I have at least three novels i am trying to finish at the moment. so I am trying to avoid starting any new stories.  then a steampunk/post apocalyptic story started in my head two days ago. I have not been able to thing of anything else since. I wrote some on elizabeth, fighting off this new story….and ended up with a headache for my trouble. I am amazed at how insistent the muse can be at times.  I am also amazed how absent it can be. The hole that is left when the muse sleeps is painful.

Add to the whimsy that is my muse, is the technical issues of my phone dying. I am not making excuses, just saying that the mobility of the phone made it easier to write. So now when the muse strikes i have to find the laptop or paper. Paper used to be abundant in my home. Not in years though. So i have to fight with an overburdened laptop that is missing keys. (seriously the tab key, the backspace key and the “m” key are missing from the laptops keyboard). It has very little memory and is running win Xp. It’s not mine, it belongs to Joe (my best friend/lover). So i dare not change the  OS. (it would be Linux if i could).  So i gave into the Muse tonight. I wrote over 350 words (and still counting) on the new story.  I may decide that what i wrote is garbage and go in and rewrite it completely. Still for now, I have now four stories to complete and the eternal current volume of poetry. I really love my muse…even though days are there when i truly hate my muse…