Okay I have put this one on hold. And that is because it isn’t an easy topic. I survived. And I am far from the only one. So It isn’t a topic I feel comfortable with. It’s not a topic anyone should feel comfortable with.
Before I get any farther into this topic…. if you are being abused, get help. If you are feeling suicidal because of all you have suffered call
1 (800) 273-8255. It’s a hotline.
There are so many forms of abuse. And there is even forms of self abuse. As I really don’t want to go too far into most of them for the possibly triggering effects it can have on those reading this.
The thing about abuse is though it can take many forms, it always has the same effects. Damage to the mind and body and souls of those who are abused. The survivors often feel alone and anxious. Please if you have survived…know you aren’t alone.
Category: struggle
Body positivity
This topic is one i fully support. Now understand, even though i am a big girl, it’s all bodies and body types i think we need to be positive of. No one should feel ugly for not fitting a certain body type. Unfortunately, as a society, we fail our children. We teach them to worry about appearance far more than we should. There is starting to be a movement that is helping. Tess Holiday and her #effyourbeautystandards. However many see it as a fat positive movement. While yes it is, it is also about beauty in all forms. It’s about no longer judging anyone based on appearance alone. My daughter is twelve. She is chubby. And so I have had to work hard to have her with a good self esteem. She really is beautiful.
However because of the beauty standards of others, she doesn’t feel like she is. So yes, as a woman, as a mother of a beautiful girl, I really like the body positive movement. Every body has flaws. Every body is beautiful. It’s really all in how you look at it.
Madness is subjective
Life has a funny way of pushing forward, no matter how we want to stop and reevaluate. I have spent a significant portion of my life considering sanity. Afraid of being mad, and trying to prevent that slide into deeper pockets of madness. I joke that I am as sane as I have ever been… but to be honest I am not sure sanity is something that truly exists. I think as a whole the human race has slowly been decending into a state of madness. We put such a stigma on it. Just in America there are millions who suffer….yes millions. a statistics site about mental health. So why do we make these people feel worse for their suffering? I think it’s a form of fear. We fear what similarity we see in them. So we push it away. Instead, we should try to understand that which drives the mind down such different paths.
Individual I
Blending in,
For now everyone
Has the traits
That used to mark me
As unique.
My idiosyncrasies
Are now community,
Nothing new or remarkable
In my mind today.
Was individual,
And even slightly weird,
Now everyone does
What i began.
So now i sit
And slightly sigh.
For looking around,
And dreaming that I
Could return to the time
When I was unique
Just once more.
Parenting & Media
Before I climb any soap box, I am a mother. I am not perfect. I firmly believe each child and each family are different. So even though my daughter is twelve, we allow her some media (movies, shows, music, books and video games) that is probably not “age appropriate .” She is more mature is some areas than others. So if the rating is for violence or vulgarity, I don’t worry about her. Her whole life, I have kept a close rein on what she watched. She has had leeway to choose.
She chooses horror, zombies and anime, hard rock, and rpg(shooter style). We talk to her. She understands that these are not reality. So we do tend to be less restrictive. I try to guide her towards intelligent programs. Towards a love of music that encompasses all music. Towards an open mind where media is concerned. I have succeeded and failed. After all, her father and her friends are influences as well.
The reason i am rambling, there have been a few instances where I have been accused of not being a good parent because I let her watch anime and play certain video games. I believe my child should have a chance to make her own choices ( to an extent). I keep away stuff that is heavily sexual. Blatantly sexual is more than i think she is ready for. I have forbidden only a couple of video games( gta5, south park stick of truth) and I don’t forbid music or books( most books with questionable content are still above her reading interest level for now ).
Very few shows are disallowed( got, banahee…basically stuff you would see on hbo, showtime or cinemax…) and it’s only if sex is open and blatant. Mind you not all kids are as mature as her. Some see violent or scary and have nightmares. She does not.
Really parenting is as much about knowing what will and will not be appropriate for your child as it is teaching them how to live. People who take their kids and let them watch a movie then complain about the content just ruin it for everyone. Know your kids, and be aware of what you are letting them be exposed to. It’s not that hard.
I spoke the truth
I spoke the truth
In a tiny voice,
I spoke the truth
To be told i lied.
I hang my head
in utter shame,
For i spoke the truth,
And you turned away.
I shook my hands,
With a frustrated cry,
Trying to just be heard.
I spoke the truth,
I did not lie.
I was brave,
Though inside i feared,
I spoke the truth,
It was denied.
How can i believe
That i will be safe?
For all is how he said,
I spoke the truth,
No one heard.
Grown and wary,
Weak and weary.
Haunted by what
Cannot ever be undone.
I spoke the truth,
When will i be
Believed?
Homeless
There’s room at the inn,
But I have no money to pay.
The world is cold tonight,
And I have no place to stay.
No I am not lazy,
Nor too awful crazy.
Things just really have not
Been going my way.
My stomach is a growling,
My head has been a spinning,
Yet not a bite can I find
For me to eat.
No jobs available for me to find,
Want a hand up?
must be outta my mind.
There’s room at the inn,
But I’ve no money to pay.
Distorted imagery
You see me
As internet celebrity,
With no sign of lifestyle
Truth in chains.
Not one person
Really knowing me,
Hidden behind an easy profile.
According to you,
Written with naught
But imagination and lies.
Could it be?
that it’s you who
doesn’t see?
Who does not know
The real me?
quietly hiding,
From what you never
Tried to see.
Deeply imbedded
Within us.
Oh boy. A b topic i forgot
That would be back aches and spasms. I have a crapton of house work to do and am in too much pain to do anything. Even writing hurts. So….hopefully tomorrow i will be able to squeeze in some writing time. Its my girls birthday so i will be spending as much time with her(and making cake pops for her birthday) as possible. Add in the back issues and i may be crying before the end of tomorrow.
Rudeness
I live in a three story apartment complex. There is four apartments per floor. Mostly i can handle the noises around me…except for yesterday. Yesterday the neighbor in the apartment directly beside me was banging and clanging at the loudest possible way she could till four am.
While I normally would have assumed it was just a bad night for them, now i wonder. Everyday it sounds like her kids are running around drawing on the walls. And I had a visitor today who told me she knocked on my door when I was not home. She said that the kids in the other apartment screamed for her to go away.
I try to be polite, as much as I can. I have taught my daughter to do the same. However this doesn’t seem to be something people do anymore. I remember my daughter bumping into someone in a grocery store when she was about six. The woman looked so shocked because I forced my daughter to apologize.
It’s understandable for the kids to be playing. However letting your kids run ruckus till four in the morning? Letting them yell at people not even knocking at your door? I believe that manners are dying a slow death. I mourn the fact that rude has become the new normal.
Pattimouse 