Category: struggle

Talking tech

Technology is a major part of life in today’s world. In writing, and sometimes arting, I often use my phone or a computer. However, I also craft. I make jewelry, with a rare other craft. There are multiple technology options for crafting. Some that do not interest me. What do I even need a cricut machine for anyway?

That being said… There are technology that I have been wanting. Things that I think will open up new design options. Things that will be fun to play with. Technology doesn’t scare me. The only reason why I don’t have more than I do is the cost.

Now, that is not a whine, nor am I begging. Just stating truth. My priorities have always been raising my family over the desire to explore technology.

However, my boyfriend is going to get me a neat little bit of tech that is supposed to be fun to use. Comgrow Creality Ender 3 Pro 3D Printer with Upgrade Cmagnet Build Surface Plate and UL Certified Power Supply 8.6″ x 8.6″ x 9.8″

So in prep I have been researching everything that I can find on it. I can’t wait until I get it.

What bit of tech are you wanting? And why?

Tuesday Tunes

Hello my lovelies! Thank you all for your understanding and well wishes yesterday. I am not back to 100% but I am doing better. This weekend was a lot of me sleeping to recover. Today’s song took me some thinking. I like to use songs that have meaning to me, beyond just me liking it. That way I can perhaps encite a discussion, or try to. So there were several that popped to mind due to indepence day being this week…the one that won the spotlight in my mind isn’t some patriotic theme.

Today I want to talk about Independence Day by Martina McBride.

Well she seemed all right by dawn’s early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak.
She tried to pretend he wasn’t drinkin’ again
But daddy’d left the proof on her cheek.
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day.

Well ,word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground
But she knew she was on the losin’ end.
Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day.

Well, she lit up the sky that fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames
And took down some names
And send me to the county home.
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right or it’s wrong
But maybe it’s the only way.
Talk about your revolution
It’s Independence Day.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day.

Roll the stone away
It’s Independence Day.

This song is so powerful. The lyrics speak so much about the other side of Domestic Violence. The side of those who are helpless, just watching and having no way of stopping that speeding mess.

Thursday Truth

Hi. Alot to cover today…and I am struggling with a migraine, so please forgive me for typos that may occur. Yesterday, I finished writing the poetry for Ink Splashes. I also started the next volume. The title of the next volume is Whispers of the Muse.

I will be working on edits and layout this week. Then next week I should be releasing Ink Splashes. I am also working for Fae Corps this week on the anthology we are releasing, Under the Mists. We have a Publication Date of July 26. We are in the layout/final edit stage there as well. I will tomorrow be posting the promo images we have for Under the mists instead of writing tips due to how covered over in work I am. The last full week in July should also see the release of the summer edition of Creative’s Rising.

I am hoping to next thursday do a release day link page. That is going to require some major layout work this week. I do not know if I will be able to get it done in time. I am going to attempt..I will likely be posting poetry from former volumes for Monday. That saves me from worrying about writing new for it. I will note which volume the poem can be found in.

Thank you all for your support. Now I am going to hide away from the light, as my head is trying to explode.

Thursday Straight Talk (a day early)

Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.

I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.

This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.

I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.

I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.

I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.

I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.

Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.

I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Writing Friday

Writing. Crap. What do I say? Do I sit here and try to explain that, at least for me, writing is something akin to breathing? That there’s never been a time when I didn’t need to put words together? And then I would have to tell you just how it feels to read what I wrote and think that I am not cut out for this. How many people who I know personally who are brilliant at this whole writing gig. Still… I would have to mention that the idea of stopping is actually painful. It has been how I was able to see the answers to life, since before I ever realized that there was a question.

Usually, I try to use the Friday post to give tips, and help with the whole writing and publishing thing. And I think that is great to keep the blog going… But today I was thinking about the reason why I write. Yeah… I could probably claim that I was trying to add beauty. But I don’t generally lie. My art is more how I do beauty. Abstract and pencil drawings to encourage happiness in the eye of the beholder. My children’s books are a way of connecting with my daughter, as they have thus far been stories I told her, or wrote for her. Serena’s stuff is stories that I want to read. But if I am honest with myself… My main writing is my poetry.

My poetry will never be hallmark stuff. My poetry is raw emotion and survival. I have lived a survivors life. My poetry is how I have been able to express myself even when my voice was stolen. I could write my story… Even though I was being told I lied. I could write it and it was accepted because it was poetry. It was written in a way that meant I was non-threatening to those who were part of hurting me. And it was written off as just an angsty teen writing depressing poetry… For don’t we all have that stage?

After I was free, and I was no longer needing verse to speak my truth, well it was still the easiest way to speak my pain. To spread my views. It was habit. I may never be able to sit along with the likes of Poe or Dickenson… But my words will remain. I will be there when another lost soul seeks to know that they are not alone.

Insomnia attacks

Since I am sleep deprived and have no spoons to spare… Here is some poetry to make up for the lack of a post.

Thankful Thursday

So, yesterday I had a fair few comments telling me that I had done well with this blog. I am grateful for all comments and interaction. Sometimes it feels like I am screaming into the void, unheard. So, it is nice to be told that I have been heard.

Today I feel that I have so much to be grateful for. I have the ability to do the stuff that I want, and still live my life. I struggle. I don’t have everything I could want. Still, I don’t have a bad life.

So I decided that today I will be thankful. Tell me what you are thankful for?

And because I was asked for a donate button… this is my paypal and you can sponsor me on Patreon.

Snafu

So I was supposed to update twice more yesterday and again today. Guess who has no internet, except for my phone. (Which is on the slow data atm) Yes, I normally do use my phone, but not my data plan. So when I get net back.. Probably later today… I will post all four posts! However as it is dealing with the Isp… I don’t know for sure that it will be so soon.

Tuesday tea party

So I realized this week I am overloading myself, again. Trying to do a weekly newsletter, a healthy weekday blog, a weekly patreon post, and still trying to both write and live life. Some weeks I can juggle it all. Others I think it may take double my allotment of spoons just to live. I plan on keeping up with the patreon. More or less with this blog. (Hiccups happen).. Life and writing don’t stop… But I think that I will be more realistic about the newsletter. I am moving it to a biweekly affair. That may be easier to keep up with it. I skipped last week unintentionally. I was just overwhelmed by all that I had to do.

To be honest I wonder how some people manage to juggle the huge amount of stuff that they accomplish.

Temporary Temporals

How fleeting life can be. A string of moments, all connected with something called a lifespan. I recently got news about a friend who is fighting cancer. It hit harder than I ever could have expected any news to hit. She is younger than me. And it feels damned unfair. Now mind you, as usual, she has it under control. She has always had it under control.

It seems like it is easy to react from outside of a situation with righteous indignation, and fear. Those two emotions cause us to fail to see the weight we put on the one inside with each question. Sometimes, it would be kinder to just be an ear.

It’s hard to be just an ear when we want to scream frustration. It will pass but what damage do you do to those around you as you fight to calm yourself down?

That is the stage I am in. I am fighting to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is not about me, and I have to learn how to be there for her. I have to not let my own fears come between me and supporting her. It is Damned Unfair, but life is not about what is fair. It is about learning, loving, and creating. So I wish for all of you…

May you love deeply,

May you learn happily,

And may you always

be able to create beauty!