I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.
I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design. and sometimes I am even a decent person.
in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.
so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.
so I had the first visit with a new dr Friday. Yesterday I got in email notes from the visit. Now before I get to the reason why I was upset about the notes…I need to state a bit of history. I have been 450 lbs at the largest I ever got. I have been on every diet possible as a teenager. I have been fighting with disordered eating for years. I barely eat once a day and I eat a proper portion when I do. it’s all in my chart.
so I looked at the notes and the doctor said I should be assigned behavioral counseling for obesity. I am sitting at 278. which is even 10 lbs less than the last time I was there.
I am still around 50 lbs more than I want to be…,but I will always be obese as I am 5’2. according to the bmi chart I would hit obese at 120. I have no way to get that small.
so I will be looking for a new dr and I had a good cry.
I have been posting daily for over 60 days now. Between the PAD challenge and the MerMay challenge I have been sure to get something up for the last two months.
Fae corps publishing is doing a short story prompt a day for June but it is just a bit too much for me. I am going to be trying to get caught up with the publishing work I am slightly behind on. so I am going to be going back to the weekly posts and weekends off except for the occasional random ones. I will be doing a few things differently for the weekday posts. I hope you enjoy it. I want to squeeze an art post in somewhere. I am hoping to post a bit more….but I don’t know if I will. I am back to running both my own personal blog and Fae Corps Publishing’s blog. so I am bound to mess up some where. I do the schedule for the week on Sunday for both.
So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.
I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.
No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.
So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.
There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.
Today I only managed to do one poem and one art piece….at least on paper. I also scheduled a week of blogs for Fae corps publishing. I got 3 books adjusted on Ingram and one on Amazon. I squeezed in my daily routine for my games. I fixed most of an epub. I designed a new cover. I ate two meals (which is an accomplishment by itself). I helped my son with the sick chicken (she is getting better). I finished the editing from the betas for the story Serena is submitting to Killing Stroke. (Adding another 280 words there) Note how little of what I did is on the list of word counts?
some days I don’t have the ability to do even the amount I have listed, some days I manage more. If I were to base my self esteem on my words count – well I would be miserable. I do more than I often think I do. I am willing to bet that you are too.
Those who know me, know that I firmly believe in equality when possible. I know that some people are very happy to see the “end ” of DEI…I will never be one of those. I use tools to aid my work and life. That does not make me or my work any less. Note that I said tools, I don’t use Generative AI. I use my phone to write as I have debilitating arthritis. That gives me the option when I need it to voice to text the words and edit the mess later. My glasses have a blue light filter on them because I am mildly dyslexic. This is another tool.
I am capable of reading but I have been known to buy audio books when I have had eye strain or severe headache symptoms so I can rest and still enjoy the story. There are people I love who need the audio version to be able to retain what is read. I see this as another tool.
Our society has developed a lot of tools to make sure that those who are suffering from various disabilities are not unable to be successful in life. That doesn’t mean you have to be productive or anything to be worthy. It just means you don’t have to be limited in your life because of disability, at least that there is potential to be able to do whatever you want to do.
I personally feel like anyone who wants to put it in the effort should not be denied the chance. As someone who has multiple disabilities I would not want to be told that I am unable to do anything because I am disabled. I want it to be my own personal choice if I can attempt to do something.
Diversity is a word that means that the world can not turn into a place where hatred reigns.
Inclusion is a word for saving space for everyone at the table.
Equity is a word for everyone is given equal chance.
I keep a list of my personal books I have written as a guide to remind me of my own accomplishments. There are days where I don’t believe that I am worthy. That list helps me find my own worth on days where it feels like it doesn’t exist.
Now I have been told that my personal book list is daunting. I have been doing this publishing thing since 2010…and I still have a nasty case of imposter syndrome.
Most people who read my blog know that I write as Patricia Harris and as Serena Mossgraves.
Serena Mossgraves currently only has 11 books published. Not terribly daunting, but I can see it would be slightly intimidating .
Patricia Harris however has a bibliography of epic proportions. I counted 68 books published under that name. yeah it’s daunting. I have been doing better than I thought.
Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I have been doing things of worth.
I live in a world where biography's Indicate fictional characters Which apparently means there is naught That we in the real world could learn from them...
History is become the darkness that clouds what lay ahead of us, Instead of shedding light on where we have been.
And as I struggle to light the path for those around me Feeling as though this might just be a war I cannot win...
I realize that even if I am becoming fiction... I still will never be the person that they want in the end....
I was watching a video of The North Omaha Cat Lady. Incredible creator. She was reacting to a comment claiming Anne Frank was a fictional character. Admittedly that inspired Serena’s Poem, and broke my heart. Anne Frank was an incredible young lady. There have been very few biographical books I have enjoyed over the course of time I have been a reader, and her diary was one. The other that stands out was the nine days queen…the story of Lady Jane Grey.
Please if all of the best historical people are to become fiction…then let us still learn from their example. Just because something is fiction does not stop the truth behind it. We can learn from history, from fiction and from each other if we just open our hearts and our minds.
Right now is a scary time to be alive, especially if you live anywhere in the USA. I really try not to be too political on here as I don’t feel like that is what most people come to my blog for. However, having said that…Sometimes it hurts to be self aware in a time of political turmoil and unrest.
Pattimouse 