Category: self introspection

Therapy thoughts

Meme - Overthinking

I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.

I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design.  and sometimes I am even a decent person.

in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.

so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.

Perfect is overrated

Meme - Feeling Invisible

So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.

I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.

No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.

So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.

There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.

Don’t judge progress on word count alone

Today I only managed to do one poem and one art piece….at least on paper. I also scheduled a week of blogs for Fae corps publishing. I got 3 books adjusted on Ingram and one on Amazon. I squeezed in my daily routine for my games. I fixed most of an epub. I designed a new cover. I ate two meals (which is an accomplishment by itself). I helped my son with the sick chicken (she is getting better). I finished the editing from the betas for the story Serena is submitting to Killing Stroke. (Adding another 280 words there) Note how little of what I did is on the list of word counts?

    some days I don’t have the ability to do even the amount I have listed, some days I manage more. If I were to base my self esteem on my words count – well I would be miserable. I do more than I often think I do. I am willing to bet that you are too.

Thoughts

Book Discussion

I occasionally get introspective.

I keep a list of my personal books I have written as a guide to remind me of my own accomplishments. There are days where I don’t believe that I am worthy. That list helps me find my own worth on days where it feels like it doesn’t exist.

Now I have been told that my personal book list is daunting. I have been doing this publishing thing since 2010…and I still have a nasty case of imposter syndrome.

Most people who read my blog know that I write as Patricia Harris and as Serena Mossgraves.

Serena Mossgraves currently only has 11 books published. Not terribly daunting, but I can see it would be slightly intimidating .

Patricia Harris however has a bibliography of epic proportions. I counted 68 books published under that name. yeah it’s daunting.  I have been doing better than I thought.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I have been doing things of worth.

Becoming Fiction

Poetry

By Serena Mossgraves

I live in a world where biography's  
Indicate fictional characters 
Which apparently means there is naught 
That we in the real world could learn from them... 
 
History is become  
the darkness that clouds  
what lay ahead of us, 
Instead of shedding light 
on where we have been. 

And as I struggle 
                  to light the path 
for those around me 
Feeling as though  
                 this might just be a war  
I cannot win... 

I realize that even if I 
am becoming fiction... 
I still will never be the person 
that they want in the end....

I was watching a video of The North Omaha Cat Lady. Incredible creator. She was reacting to a comment claiming Anne Frank was a fictional character. Admittedly that inspired Serena’s Poem, and broke my heart. Anne Frank was an incredible young lady. There have been very few biographical books I have enjoyed over the course of time I have been a reader, and her diary was one. The other that stands out was the nine days queen…the story of Lady Jane Grey.

Please if all of the best historical people are to become fiction…then let us still learn from their example. Just because something is fiction does not stop the truth behind it. We can learn from history, from fiction and from each other if we just open our hearts and our minds.

Right now is a scary time to be alive, especially if you live anywhere in the USA. I really try not to be too political on here as I don’t feel like that is what most people come to my blog for. However, having said that…Sometimes it hurts to be self aware in a time of political turmoil and unrest.

Thursday Thoughts

Meme - emotional description

my desk is piled high and I am desperately trying trying to get caught up.

I am so far behind because of the flare that I am struggling to keep from sending my body back in to a meltdown state.

so I may not be able to meet deadlines. I am going to try. but I am not aiming to be down again.

Thursday Thoughts

Meme - Feeling Invisible

To be honest I did not know what to say this week.

How often can you complain about the same thing before even you start to see it as just whining? And that is often the thing with chronic illness…we end up feeling like we are whining. No one wants to hear that it hurts for the millionth time. We can’t do anything that remotely feels useful.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone is interested in the dribble I do have to say. Then I think about it and realize that it doesn’t matter. I still need to speak my truth. I still have to get up and fight every day. Giving up is not in the cards.

So, Though I really didn’t know what to say today…I wanted to at the very least say HI. I Exist!

Thursday Thoughts

Thursday Thoughts
Meme - Overthinking

So I posted about an anthology that Serena is in. It really is such a lovely book. The other authors are amazing…and I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong there. The story I wrote was decent…I am not going to claim it was awful or any crap like that. But there is an Introduction in the front of the book that lists that authors as the top horror and dark romance authors…And my brain goes ok now I am guilty of lying to these amazing people.

Imposter syndrome is such a tough thing to grapple with. Most of the best authors I know fight with it. It can seriously cripple even the best writer to a mess and make writing a defeated blank on an overthinking mind…

So, I am struggling with my own brain. I don’t want to accept the idea that I am unable to tell the stories locked inside the squishy lump calling itself my brain.

Tuesday Tunes

Lyrics –

Out of balance and you fell into the ocean again
My heart was sinking when I saw you didn’t know how to swim
Tried to pull you out, you said, “Just let me drown”
You won’t let go of all the things that bring you down
Then I jumped into the water, darkness covered my head
You pulled me down into the deep, I tried to give you my breath
But you didn’t care
I touched your face and said
“I’ve got to let you go, I’m running out of air”
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
Took off my cape, this superhero will not save you again
You are the one who wears a mask, you are the one who pretends
That you don’t need my help
Now I’ve got nothing left
Maybe the bravest thing I can do is to save myself
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
Tried to give you my breath, but I’ve got nothing left
Maybe the bravest thing I can do is to save myself
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore
Ooh, I can finally see
You don’t give a fuck about me
What was I fighting for?
I guess I’ll never know
Can’t do this anymore
I’m swimming for the shore

My 2 cents –

I heard this song recently and it really resonates. I so often give until I have nothing left…then I feel guilty about walking away.

Holidays, and the problems that they represent.

Meme-emotional description

Today is thanksgiving in the US. (Happy Holidays if you celebrate…)

And that last bit is part of the issue. Everyone is expecting HAPPY. Holidays are sometimes a time of grief. Or a time of extra stress. This is true no matter which holiday it is. So I ask if you are struggling…reach out. There is always someone willing to listen. You Matter!!!

For me, this is a hard one. So I am hiding in the writing and video games…and other work to avoid the emotional damage that today will bring. I hope that each of you are having a day where you are able to give yourself the space and the grace that you need.