Category: Self esteem

Thursday Triple Thud

Three days of insomnia has me Maudlin and Derpy…and oddly enough it has made me more productive. I have been writing more in the last three days than I have a month prior. I feel like my brain is on fire…and it is not necessarily a bad thing. I was starting to worry….2019 has not been seeing much writing from me. I had ideas…folders full. It was not a lack of ability, or ideas. Ability never leaves. Not truely, though we sometimes feel like it has. It is similar to the question of whether you would want to have talent or skill. I have, I think, broached that topic on this blog before.

No, my issue was something broader. I couldn’t seem to create. I was in a fog. I could write, but it was like pouring molasses out in winter. Last year I was writing like a madwoman. Poetry and novel both were going out well. It was colder and felt like winter last year. This year it has been muddy and wet, and I have been feeling it. I am a spring child. I love my cooler temps, but I hate the deep cold of winter. I have not had the winter I was expecting. It feels like I am whining.

So, three days ago I sat in front of my computer. I usually do my writing on my phone. The computer is for editing and layout usually. I just wanted to try something different, hoping to snap myself out of the funk. Routine is often a writer’s best tool…I am the exception to that. I get panicky over routine. I obsess over it. Which takes away productivity. So, I was trying to put some randomness back into my writing. I chose a story that I had barely touched. Something I have less invested in. So if I failed in writing it would not hurt Serena’s Life, Guilt and Undeath. I got a little over a thousand words written. Suddenly, Poetry and stories were flowing.

Then my brain wouldn’t shut down. It was like I had to make up all of the time I had lost. So today I am tired. This wasn’t what I planned to post, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I did have planned. I hope to sleep tonight, but I will settle for just relaxing today. I will be doing more writing. I think I will put the computer in a rotation to make the writing easier. I use evernote for most of my writing anyway, and I have it on my computer to make things easier.

Nothing I can do about the insomnia, it happens often enough. I can control my writing though, to some extent. I can seek to improve my craft, make it easier for me to do what I need to do.

Fridays, I usually do writing advice on my Blog, Instead I will be posting a couple of word games to give my brain a break. So, I will leave you with a question. What do you do for routines? What can you do to improve your outlook, or your craft?

Wednesday wacko

*image acquired from Google all rights to its owner.

I apologize for missing yesterday… Life hit a little harder than I expected yesterday. Nothing major, just a whole lot of little stuff that knocked me into overload. It happens, probably far more often than it should.

So I wanted to go lighter with my blog today to lighten my own mood. Monday night my boyfriend surprised me with a dozen lovely white roses.

It was just for the smile he knew it would ellict in me. He could have gotten red, but I prefer the more unusual. Yeah, I know white isn’t that unusual but it is not what everyone else would want.

I posted that picture on my Instagram with a poem inspired by it. (go look.) Now I can sit in my dining room enjoying the beautiful smell. I think that I will press one of the flowers.

The winner of the drawing I do with my newsletter gave me an interesting challenge. I have a games section in my Tea party that goes out every Friday. If you at least attempt to play with me via email you get entered in a monthly raffle. The winner is given an option, a handwritten poem or a drawing or a digital art personally done by me. (So if you have a favorite poem by me or want me to draw something specific for you… Join my Tea party and play with me.) You can get up to three entries a month. Anywho, the winner for February asked me for something that I am looking forward to drawing. January also chose a drawing.

I am nervous about an event I am doing on the second. I will be setting up a table at a local community fundraiser to sell my resin and jewelry pieces. The event happens on the first Saturday of each month. People gather and set up tables of wares to sell. The community center sells hot dogs to raise funds to stay open. My nerves were already bad, but the co-ordinator did not help. She told me that there was already two selling jewelry supposed to be there. If this actually pulls off I have been thinking about going to a local flea market and doing a table. I have to convince my nerves not to bolt. Wish me luck.

Well, now that I have been all over the map, what do we do? Oh… Well I guess we can make paper hats…. directions here

And off we go again. Cya tomorrow.

Thursday thought

Today I think I will talk about connection and the simple joy of it. We make a thousand connections every day, whether or not we realize it. We affect others by what we say, what we do. I took notice of two such moments today (this is being written on Tuesday… Lol). It made me think. I have always wondered about how people see me, what they see in me to be exact.

Now, that is not me looking for the pat on the head. I honestly think that I am not seeing in myself what everyone else does. It makes me feel like a superstar when I have those connections.

Lately I’ve seen more of those. I am finding my tribe. People who are so much similar to me that I feel them vibrate. People who I know that I can trust absolutely. And it feels amazing.

My tribe sees me, sees the lingering insanity that I barely contain. They trust me, and I have felt their love.

That is my biggest wish for each of you… That someday you’ll find your tribe.

Monday Madness

So I normally do Monday poetry… But I didn’t feel it this week. This week I wanted to be absolutely all over the place… Chat about phone wallpaper and fun nonsense. To be honest I have been needing a lighter tone the last few days. My mind has been in some weird places… New story ideas for Serena and she still has to finish the one she is working on. This week will be both of us settling in to write, and it scares me. I have been running away from the computer and writing since thanksgiving, letting the inner voice get to me. Poetry has happened. Poetry always will. It does not scare me as bad. I know that I have skill and talent there. The demons that eat at the mind there were slain a long time ago. The demons attached to the stories and the art… They still claw at the tender bits in the back of my mind.

See every artist, no matter what their medium is, faces those demons. That wee bit of our inner soul that tells us that we are not worthy. That we will never be enough. Some, like Vincent Van Gogh, fight with the demons and lose. Not because they were not amazing, but because the demons are strong. The call to art, to create, is unbearable. But not all create on the same level. I am no Van Gogh. But I sit and question if it matters? Can I create and just be Patricia Harris? Is that enough? Well I have decided that with my poetry, it is. Now I have to get to that point with each medium I use. Serena’s macabre tales, my own children’s stories, acrylic paints, resin and jewelry art, watercolor paints, digital art, and even simple pencil drawing. I seem to have an endless imagination. Just not the confidence to back it up.

And look at this… I was supposed to chat about lighter topics. I have two phones… One that is active and one that I use as a tablet… I change my wallpaper on both about once a month. How often do you change your background on your devices? Care to share your background? Here are mine.

I considered sharing my lockscreens, but as both devices are my grandsons pictures (2 boys, 2 devices) I don’t think I will. Though I am proud of both I limit who I share my boys with because of the bad people in the world. I share that with people I trust.

So, what are your demons about? And do you want to share your wallpaper?

Wednesday thoughts

Ever wonder what makes you unique? Is it your environment, your choices? The combined experience? Here lately I’ve been questioning whether I was as unique as I used to think. In high school it was my thing… I was unique and no one could tell me different. Well high school was nearly 30 years ago. In that time I have been taught lessons from life that made the lines blur.

I have met others who have similar stories to mine. Often ones who I see as stronger than I am. I often see myself as weak. Survival doesn’t mean that you are strong, at least not always. Some times survival is just doing what you have always done.

Yeah, my thoughts are fragments. But it still is a legitimate question, what makes you unique? What about you is different than the next guy?

Oh btw this is research on character development for me… So please do give me your thoughts.

Wednesday whimsy

So I have been learning about marketing, both myself and my books. It is enough to leave my head swimming. I have been advised to look into Hootsuite to assist with keeping up with social media. Also to start a newsletter. My patreon is going into high gear starting Saturday. You guys see me during the week. I think that 2019 will be a busy year. How is it looking for you?

What do you want to see me address? And where do you think that I should take things?

Also I am considering including a fun game in each of my newsletters (word finds, crossword, etc)… Would you like to play?

Last poetry

This is the last poetry I will be able to list as ©2018. It is always humbling and slightly confusing as each year passes. I think that 2019 has the potential for a lot of good. There is definitely going to be more activity from me on my patreon and here. I have so much to look forward to. What are you looking forward to in 2019?

Straight talk Tuesday

Creative. I have my tools that I can work with. With words, technology, paint, Resin, beads, and wire I create. Well a few other things, but those are my main mediums. It came to mind because there are some other mediums I would love to try.

I shared a post that I saw on Facebook asking people to describe me in one word. I was not surprised that creative came up. Not even surprised that it was first. Then I was browsing what I call craft porn on YouTube. I like the videos of people making stuff. I usually go for stuff that with the right tools I could make… Then there is the glassblowing vids. They are addictive… Not because I think I can do it…. But because they are so freaking talented in a media I don’t ever see myself trying.

So it appears that I have limits to my creativity. I still want to explore clay, even to the point of a pottery wheel. I want to play with polymer Clay. And perler beads. Maybe some needle felting (though I have my doubts that I will enjoy it). Wood and metal working… So much of the ones I want to try require tools, or the medium itself is expensive.

I think that creating for the sake of creating is never a bad thing. So what medium do you use?

Accepted

So I have been accepted by another literary magazine. So I think that I will need to do a list of places… Other than my own publications that I have been published and what was published. Some of these are still upcoming. Approval often happens well before the printing.

Creatives Rising, Issue 1, Poem

Issue 2, Art

Issue 3(upcoming), Art

Down in the dirt. Jan/feb 2019 issue poem

bewildering stories, issue tbd (should be 762 or later, roughly a month from now give or take.) Poem

This list is obviously subject to update. I am starting to get braver about sharing my stuff. It is not an easy thing for me. I am so tickled by the response I have been getting.

Also with the change in createspace to kdp… I have been thinking. I am debating whether or not to keep my poetry volumes and kids books in Kindle unlimited or to do it over the other platforms. Weigh in with your opinion?

Two seconds.

There is a lot that if looked at from the other point of view may appear to be ridiculous. Asking for contact when you are busy with a lot on your mind for example. Seems like you can just talk to them when you are less busy, right? Then time goes on. You let people know that you are thinking about them… And it is not a big deal right? Well if you pass on spending the two seconds that it takes to acknowledge another soul… You may find the other soul walking away in pain. Not everyone deserves to be there in your life. And though it slices you in half… Sometimes it is better to walk away and let the sky be your only witness.