Category: Self esteem

A decade in review

Wow. A whole decade. Doesn’t sound like much… Especially after you reach a certain age. Ten years ago I published my first volume of poetry. A Pocketful of Poetry was a dream my whole life. I did not like the idea that the publisher could change the words and appearance of my poetry. So, for me, it was something that had to be just a dream until I could do it myself. I looked into self publishing… And initially all that I could find was the pay as you print options. That is not how I wanted to do things. And along came Amazon with Kdp. Suddenly indie publishing was a more viable option. Suddenly I could have a dream come true.

In the interim, I have published a lot more books. Some as me, some as Serena. 3 kids’ books, 1 novella, 1 novel, 1 anthology, 1 memoir, and 18 poetry volumes. I have been published in several literary magazines. It is very surprising what can happen in 10 years.

On a personal level, I have moved from Oklahoma back to West Virginia. I have always been a West Virginia girl, so I was miserable in Oklahoma. I have lost a hundred pounds. I have become more confident about my art and myself.

So I am ready for all that the 20’s have for me. Are you?

Last Friday

So I have a set up for this blog… Mostly. Monday is poetry.. Either mine or discussion of others. Tuesday is Tuesday tunes. Wednesday is either webcomics Wednesday or wordless Wednesday… Or very rarely Wednesday whimsy. Thursday is either tea party or reviews. The first Friday will be monthly prompts. I am considering a monthly submissions call on the second week. (Where I scour through finding calls for submissions for you all) I have two Fridays (most months) that I am still not sure about. I am considering doing a service spotlight where I point attention to a person providing a service for writer’s (editors, illustrators, cover designers, etc). 2020 my word for the year is change. I am going to embrace change. That means I am looking to improve how I interact with the world around me, how I approach my writing.

That is incredbly scary. Courage is not the lack of fear, instead it is being afraid and doing it anyway. I am terrified of change. It brings more Chaos… But I am facing it anyway.

So, I challenge you. What is your word for 2020? What are you going to embrace, and change in your life? No, I am not speaking of new year’s resolutions… This is something that is meant to make you think about you and how you approach life.

Tuesday Tunes

Bad Wolves – Killing Me Slowly

Lyrics – Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I built these walls to hide my ghosts
Your fingers trace the wounds exposed
I try and try to let you in
But I fail again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I run this maze, erase my steps
With lips that lie, with every breath
You try and try to let me in
But I hurt you again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly
Killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)
You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)

My 2cents – first off let me apologize for the formatting. WordPress was stuck on stupid today and I couldn’t get the lyrics to unbold. The video for this song shows a woman dealing with infidelity. The song itself has power. We don’t often see the pieces that are broken off by the actions we take, and this song speaks about recovery from the loss of those broken bits. I love the strength it takes to say that I love you but you don’t know me. I see it as questioning whether the love is real. For me, I have felt the heaviness of a “love” like this. It’s one sided and it smothers you. It’s not really love but when you are under the spell of it you can’t imagine it as anything else.

So what do you think?

Thursday Tea Party

Hiya lovelies! Today is a simple black tea with honey kind of day. Today is a light news day. I find myself sitting here with no announcements to share. I do realize how rare that is.

It makes me wonder that most Thursdays I have so much to say. We have been doing this tea party for most of 2019, and this is the first time I have been without any announcements to impart.

Next week I am probably not going to post on Thursday. Here in America, next Thursday is Thanksgiving. A day of indulgence where we are supposed to be grateful for all of the blessings in our lives. Grateful, I am. Even if some days gratitude comes at a price of self-doubt and self introspection.

However it is usually a day of family and food. I plan on enjoying both.

Friday Prompts – Thankful

Thankful.

I normally try to do a poem to the prompts… Today I am feeling maudlin. So I am instead going to just ramble a bit. Thankful gets woefully overused… Especially in November. I know of people who post gratitude posts daily in November. For me that always has felt like false bravado. I am grateful for so much all through out the year, limiting it to November would be painful.

I am, however, the sort to point out things that are done that elicit that gratitude. This year has seen a lot of growth in me, and in my blog. I have seen the people who are following me grow. I have people who interact with my blog now. I am thankful for you all.

Thursday Tea Party

Hello lovelies! Tonight, I have coffee instead of tea… And lots of it. I am in the home stretch for Beauty’s Tears – only 9 poems left to write. I am hoping to knock out the writing before the first. I likely will not be getting to Layout until December, but it means that Heart Drops will be started with the poems of the PAD challenge.

Fae Corps will be doing another round of daily prompts in November. I will probably be reblogging many of them. The first group got a good reception so we decided to do them for nano/poetry writers in November.

I have been approached by another poet/author about doing a guest blog. Her idea intrigued me! So I will be posting it as soon as she gets it to me for you to read. I enjoy her poetry so I believe that you will enjoy the post.

So… I am facing my fears… And then some. I asked about doing a author signing event yesterday. I also have found a craft fair to try and sell my art and crafts at. This is such a big thing. I have been making art, jewelry, and resin pieces. And due to fear, I have been sticking it all in bins. Anxiety often keeps me from doing. I was called out for my bs. Joe, my boyfriend, told me that if I was not going to do anything to sell or use it then I should stop making it. I hate it when he is right. So I am swallowing the what if I fail fear. The first craft show is a local hot dog sale on the first Saturday in November. I have to get to earning money for books for the signing event. I personally have 19 poetry volumes, 3 kids books, and a memoir. Plus Serena’s 2. And the anthology. That makes it expensive to have even a small amount of copies to sell. Those numbers just make me want to cry.

The beginning of the year will be seeing a lot of new things, from me and from Fae Corps. We have a lot planned. I will be seeing the release of my Beauty’s Tears and the anthology Faery Footprints in December. I am hoping that Serena will have a book ready for release with the new year. I am looking at the release of the audiobook version for the princess lost.

This year is still going to be bringing new challenges. What are you hoping to do before the end of 2019?

Thursday Tea Party

Today is a coffee day. So much on my mind today, and no where near enough sleep.

Did you see that my bestie has a new book out? You can get it here. I am so proud of her. She worked really hard to get it out.

I applied, and was accepted, for a position with Coffee House Writers. I will be doing a bi-weekly article for them. My anxiety is through the roof. After all what do I write? Especially for the first one. After I get used to it, I don’t think that it will be as bad. The article has to use 5 of their tags… Which are expansive, but I am not one who is used to conformity with tags. I am stuck in a debate whether to write an article, a story, or a poem. It is so much to think on.

Have you preordered Inspiration Without a Home yet? It releases on the 30th of September. It is a hard story for me, my own. Memoirs are never easy to write. This was not any different.

I have been working on my studio. I nearly have all craft and art supplies moved in. I still have to organize it. I will be posting pictures as I get it useable.

Social anxiety is no joke. I have jewelry pieces and paintings to sell. I have an online store but it is not as active as I would like. I think it is due to me not being as good at taking pictures of what I make. My resin pieces and art always look so much better in person. I can get a table at the local flea market for $5 a day. The problem is that I am terrified that I will make a mess of selling it. So I may be putting out time and money for a fail. I love making the pieces. But I am often putting a lot of money into crafting with no return. So I am planning to do the flea market the first weekend in October.

Thursday Tea Party

Hello, lovely friends. I hope that this tea party finds you well? If not I think that I can find you some lavender and jasmine blend to ease the belly.

My tea today came from the gas station . I have a weakness for peach.

It is really good, and all of the ingredients are pronouncable. I wonder about the chemicals that are in food nowadays. Sometimes, I feel like a lab rat for all of the chemicals in my food. So, when possible, I like getting more natural food.

A friend shared a nice meme with me yesterday made me smile.

I am not sure that I qualify as a Positive Patti. Though I do try. Some of the topics that I discuss are not meant to be positive.

My memoir is in preorder. I almost did not write it. I am not famous , not someone who most people would seek out to read the life story of. However, I tell my stories semi freely. I can’t help it. I don’t want to hide the past… Hiding brings shame. I have no reason to be ashamed.

Well a couple of women in one of my author groups on Facebook pushed me to write a memoir. Memoirs are for people who are famous or have enormous stories to share, I argued. They pointed out that my stories were bigger than I realized.

From stories of surviving abuse and rape to cute childhood memories, interspersed with poetry, I believe that Inspiration Without a Home is worth the read. It is my truth. There is some people who have reason to claim I am lying. I don’t intend to argue. This is my story, my truth. Let them tell theirs if they wish.

I am finally in a place in my life where I can speak my truth and not fear for the cost.

Friday my bestie, and partner in Fae Corps Publishing, releases her new YA novel. A Royal’s Undoing by Cyndi Pilcher is the first book in what looks to be an interesting set. It is filled with Elves, Murder, magic and political intrigue. Not wanting to spoil it, because I truly think it is worth the read, but the ending has a great twist.

Creative’s Rising E-Zine is in the process of production. Things that caused the summer edition to be stopped have been set to rights. So the Fall edition will be on time. I will have poetry within.

I recently interviewed for a bi-weekly writing position. If I get it I will be doing a bi-weekly article there as well. Maybe I will get in to their poetry department.

In order to apply for them, I had to do a resume. I was surprised by the amount of places I could claim in the last few years. Though I have been writing my whole life, I have only been doing the publish and share thing since 2010. Which seems like so much longer than it really is.

Oh my! Rambling on today. I didn’t realize how much I had to say! So, I am going to leave you with a question. If you had to write a memoir, what is the first memory that you would want to include?

Monday musings

I know that I usually post poetry on Monday, but the last week has been a rough one for me and creating. Between a death in the family, that hit rather hard, and general aches and pains… This week has been a lot of “couch time”…basically me and my television have seen more of each other than I ever do.

There is always a little slow down after I publish a new volume. When I wonder if I am foolish and vain for publishing. When I acknowledge that I don’t do well with pushing the books that I already have out. When I wonder who I would be if I didn’t write. When the idea scares me, so I try to force it… And end up scraping a few really bad foced starts. This is the first month after I publish a new volume.

Then, I start actually calming down… Realize that I don’t have to sell it. I have written it. I have put it out into the world so that it can be seen. I have done my part. It is my job to write, not to force anyone to read it. Those who are meant to be be my readers will find it, as long as I keep sharing. Which I have been doing a bit more of. I have been putting my poetry on graphics and putting more on my blog, and Instagram. I have a public album on Facebook and a board on Pinterest. In the meantime what that time of panic and reflection often means is that I have nothing worth sharing today, except for the view of my weirdo neurotic mind. Some like that view though, so I decided to share.

Quicksilver poetry

Something new I am thinking about. Sometimes I want to jam. Just free verse because I have too much on my mind. It will likely be rambling and not the cleanest verse. But… It will be a good look into who I am behind the edited and clean verse I usually post. This will also not necessarily be the way that the poetry ends in the books. This section will not be scheduled. It will be a whim. And I make no promise of quality….