I am not my mother’s Pious Daughter I am one who runs barefoot cursing sharp stones I am not my mother’s righteous daughter I will tattoo my skin I will not lower my voice She birthed a witch when she wanted a lady She prayed for a child who would walk with the lord But I watch the stars and I live by the planets I cut her dreams short with the edge of my sword We’re not our mother’s saintly daughters We forge our own paths, we sing our own tune We’ll make our own family and walk with our ancestors One day we’ll meet them with a song and a broom.
My Two Cents- I usually do Youtube for the video, Today this song is from TikTok. It is a reimagination of I am my Mother’s Savage Daughter. I truly love this. I am not the daughter my mother wanted…and that does not make me less. I am me, and I think I need to remember what that really means.
Well me, it’s nice talking to myself A credit to dementia Some day you too will know my pain And smile its “black-tooth grin”
If the war inside my head Won’t take a day off I’ll be dead My icy fingers claw your back Here I come again
Feeling paranoid True enemy or false friend? Anxiety’s attacking me And my air is getting thin
Feeling claustrophobic Like the walls are closing in Blood stains on my hands And I don’t know where I’ve been
Once you committed me Now you’ve acquitted me Claiming validity For your stupidity
I’m chomping at the bit I’m sharpening the axe Here I come again, whoa! Sweating bullets
My Two Cents- Remember the war within? Yeah, I am still fighting. Don’t we all fight those voices? I have spent quite a few years worried about my mental health issues getting me locked away. Asylums are not good places. Especially when you are extremely claustrophobic. My mind is a place where so many wars have been fought. And I know I am not alone.
As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.
“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”
This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”
The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?
I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win. I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again. The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within. Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal, Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.
Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad, For I find myself doubting even the truth I had. Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale, I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.
I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.
She was born in the 1930’s in Washington DC. She said that young women were not allowed to carry any weapons…but they had hat pins. I put a picture on this post…She told me that the hat pins were sharp and it baffled me. How did women use them with out poking themselves? The hat pins were seriously the same as a dagger in the hands of these young women.
Her story made me think that DC was a really bad place in her youth…(though I guess I can’t say it is a good place now)
I don’t remember the whole story but it was full of the necessary thrill to ensure that the teen I was would be hooked on every word. Now the woman I am in the middle of a dystopian nightmare for women am wishing I could have recorded every single story she told. I will always remember her telling me that Roe vs Wade didn’t make abortion easier to get, it merely made safe abortion easier to get. Women were still getting them, just most of them were dying. She told me about back alley butchers. I was so happy that I was born in post Roe vs Wade America…now I am sorry that I have lived long enough to see my home become a place where I am no longer free.
I have mentioned before that I was going on Vacation. I have also mentioned that I have many strong amazing women in my family. I went to see my Aunt at work today.
She is 70 and still working because she believes in the place she works for. My Daughter and I got to get a little tour. I can’t imagine a more amazing place.
My little girl was wishing that we were closer because of how cool she found it to be. It is a place that helps special needs people to do some pretty cool things.
My Aunt works for Challenge Mountain. They do all sorts of things for people who need a little bit of help. Skiing, snowboarding, sailing, biking, art classes, and more. (My Aunt spoke about a 70’s dance that was recently held. ) She showed us safety equipment for disabled people to make sure that the activities were available for all. I honestly was so impressed with the way it was set up.
I know that I said that I was going to be not updating while I am on vacation, but I had to share my adventure today.
So, my mommy messaged me around the beginning of June and said that she was coming to get me around the 18th and keeping me until the 28th. I was not asked if I wanted to go…but I do.. so I am going. I will have internet, but I don’t know what I am going to be doing. So this is your warning. I will not be posting anything during those 10 days…I don’t know if I am going to be able to get myself back to work before the 5th of July (due to a cookout that I decided was a good idea for the fourth) I will be back to posting after the fifth. so please excuse my random disappearance. Have fun and be nice to each other while I am gone…
Hey, your glass is empty It’s a hell of a long way home Why don’t you let me take you? It’s no good to go alone
I never would have opened up But you seemed so real to me And after all the bullshit I’ve heard Refreshing not to see That I don’t have to pretend She doesn’t expect it from me
So, don’t tell me I Haven’t been good to you Don’t tell me I Have never been there for you Just tell me why Nothing is good enough
Hey little girl, would you like some candy? Your Momma said it’s okay The door is open, come on outside No, I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder And threw you to the ground Who’s there that makes you so afraid? You’re shaken to the bone And no, I don’t understand You deserve so much more than this
So, don’t tell me why He’s never been good to you Don’t tell me why He’s never been there for you Don’t you know that why It’s simply not good enough
Oh, so just let me try I will be good to you Just let me try And I will be there for you I’ll show you why You’re so much more than Good enough
So, don’t tell me why He’s never been good to you Don’t tell me why He’s never been there for you Don’t you know that why It’s simply not good enough
Oh, so just let me try I will be good to you Just let me try And I will be there for you I’ll show you why You’re so much more than Good enough
My Two Cents- This song stuck with me. The person who I have always thought of when I have heard it is no longer welcome in my life…but the song still stands for the idea that I am enough. I don’t often feel like I am. I struggle with my own worth. I hope that those who are like me and struggle will hear this message. you don’t always see the ones that adore you for the perfect person you are. You are enough. You are more than enough. you are perfect.
I knew a man, called him Sandy Cane Few folks even knew his name But a hero, yes was he Left a boy, came back a man Still many just don’t understand About the reasons we are free I can’t forget the look in his eyes Or the tears he cried As he said these words to me
All Gave Some, Some Gave All Some stood through for the red, white and blue And some had to fall And if you ever think of me Think of all your liberties and recall Some Gave All
Now Sandy Cane is no longer here But his words are oh so clear As they echo throughout our land For all his friends who gave us all Who stood their ground and took the fall To help their fellow man Love your country and live with pride And don’t forget those who died America can’t you see?
All Gave Some, Some Gave All Some stood through for the red, white and blue And some had to fall And if you ever think of me Think of all your liberties and recall Some Gave All
And if you ever think of me Think of all your liberties and recall Yes recall Some Gave All Some Gave All
My Two Cents- This will post the day after Memorial Day. Those who listen to Country probably know this artist for the hit “Achy Breaky Heart” That song always pissed me off because this was the title track. It is so much better a song. It to me always personified Memorial Day. I debated about using it this week due to the fact that it will post the day after…But really the sentiment is good for any day. Though I have my issues with current American politics…I am a born and bred southern lady from the good ole US of A. My family has been a part of the country for several generations. My Great Grandfather was one of Pershing’s Own. He and my Great Grandmother and their Son Walton (A gentle soul that I loved as a child – Had Down Syndrome and was born during the time that Down Syndrome children were institutionalized. He played guitar and loved to spend time with me.) are buried not far from the tomb of the unknown soldier in Arlington National Cemetary. Great Grandfather was in World War I. By the time WWII came around, he had a family and my Great Grandmother refused to sign the permission slip for him to fight.
My stepfather – Bobby was a merchant marine.
My Aunt Elly was Navy.
My cousin (the eldest of us on my mom’s side) is a Marine.
My grandfather (Mom’s Side) was military – Though I don’t know much about him.
To all who served, and are gone, I remember you. Thank you for your sacrifice.
I will never Marry…but I came really close once. He was a handsome lad, who truly acted like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He had dark hair and pretty blue eyes. We had dated for a while when I was in high school. I had gone to a special camp for occupational therapy. He was there and we hit it off. He was so cute, with a little bit of a problem with authority…yeah I know I have a type where men are concerned. Almost all of the men I have actually been attracted to have had that same issue with authority. I left him and the facility. Then a year or so later he and I met again. We hooked up. He asked me to marry him. You know what…at the time I had an awful amount of stars in my eyes where love was concerned. I wanted that damn white picket fence with six children. I wanted happily ever after like the poets speak of. (Says the poet) He made me think I was worth that love.
I was nearly twenty-one. I was an old lady to my mind. Thirty was an impossible dream. I had one child already. My best friend was engaged to a charismatic stoner. We were a group. At the time I thought that the traditional monogamy route was the only way life was. I also was quite deep in the metaphoric closet. I had girlfriends, but I was hiding them and our relationships because I was convinced that being myself was a bad idea. So, I was convinced that I would marry him. We would be together and there would never be a reason why we would not.
Then I walked in on him and my best friend on my couch. Yeah. He apparently had different dreams than I did. I had a one night stand with her fiance as revenge. That was an incredible memorable night. We are still friends, that one night stand and I. The best friend and the husband to be…well I haven’t seen either of them in 26 years now. I left the area and joined Job Corps. I met my boyfriend. He was unlike any guy I had ever dated. Yesterday is the anniversary of the day we met.
He is my best friend. He makes me laugh. He and I will never marry. We don’t want to. He and I had an open relationship from the first. It worked because we were able to be honest with each other. He closed it off when I found someone I could actually have considered getting close to. He realized that he wasn’t able to find anyone else who was even remotely like what he had in me. I still am able to find a girlfriend because there is things that a girl can provide that he cannot. But I have the only man I will ever have. And I am okay with that. (If he was gay the situation would be open there, but he is not.) I had in my youth figured that I needed to marry. I needed to have the house with the three-car garage and white picket fence to be normal. I was so foolish. At forty-seven I have learned a lot. I have carried to term 3 children. I had to give one up for adoption. I miscarried 2. I have found my home. It was not in a building. It was at the side of a man that loves me. It was being Mom to a neurodivergent Girl who thinks I am some kind of hero…and I still am trying to convince her she is mine. It was allowing myself to be me.
I have some definite opinions about Roe vs Wade. This story has a lot of family intonations in it. If I had grown up without the option for an abortion, it would not have mattered to me. I would have not aborted any of the three. However, I miscarried. Twice. Both were emotion killing moments. I wanted both babies. I barely survived having my beautiful neurodivergent girl. The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would die. I can never carry another child to term. Roe vs Wade means I have the choice. I hate the idea of getting one. I still want that choice. I was raped after my son was born. If I had ended up pregnant I would have wanted that choice. I didn’t report it. I was terrified of the idea. I had told about the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I was told I had lied. Why would anyone believe me if I said that this had happened?
Ending RvW will not stop abortions. It will stop safe abortions. There was abortions before RvW. There were no safe abortions. Women have been choosing to slip pregnacies since the dawn of time. We are supposed to be an advanced society…so why are we discussing this again? It was solved in 1973…
sitting on my porch, watching the chicken that my daughter has…(she’s cleaning up it’s cage) and it is letting her opinion of my porch be known…well if it wasn’t pouring rain we would be walking around the yard…
Pattimouse 