Category: family

Words, words, everywhere and not a thought to think

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I am five poems away from finishing The volume Handprints on my soul…and I am struggling with my writing…Not because I am unable – obviously. I just have too many topics and too many thoughts… so many that I have been fighting Insomnia. The end of a volume is always an anxious time for me. It is when I question my writing. It is when I question my motives. It is when I question my value…

Yesterday I answered a poem with a poem. The first poem was written by someone I love very much. A child I had given up at birth because I felt myself in a poor position to care for them. The child is now grown and I am amazed by the similarity they have to me. Also a talented poet, they posted one to their Facebook page. I have in the past found it fun to respond to poets with poetry…A slightly odd behavior perhaps but I find it a fun challenge. (I have been specifically responding to haikus written by my friend, on his Facebook feed In haiku because I find the syllable count to be challenging.) So I did not think twice to do the same with my child. Their reaction surprised me.

They said that they would never be as good as I am. I responded that they already were. In some ways that is such a lie. I see their poetry as better than my own. I see everyone who writes as better than my own. I am incredibly biased. I will never stop seeing the flaws in what I write. Though I imagine that most authors do the same. The problem is though I have some days where my writing is brilliance…I also have the days where putting more than one word on paper feels impossible.

I have days that I feel like I am too insane to be allowed to speak – much less use my voice to put something into this world that will be around for an indeterminate amount of time. (That is what writing is you realize? Passing your thoughts into the hazy future for the random person to read.) And I end up feeding the darkness of those days with my own self doubt and anxiety. That is why I refuse to be jealous of other writers or artists. Why I just judge my work and no one elses (unless I am editing their work which is when I am trying to help them get it to a state of technical perfection…) I shy away from people who cannot understand that I do not require judgement or want to be around jealousy. Those things make me harder on me. Instead I need honesty and just simply to be accepted for who I am.

Today I am a poet. I am strange and I am quiet. I am introvert. I am a writer. I am an explorer. Who are you?

Ps I also seem to update the blog more at the end of a volume…mostly because as I stated…This is when I am questioning myself more so I end up coming here with the random thoughts of am I good enough…knowing that I will never hear the answer I am needing to here.

Cover Reveal

come back in a week to see Danny.

Getting Old

In 1989 I was 14. I had an adorable baby boy. The above picture was me and him on my graduation from high school 5 years later. September 1st my eldest child will be 33. He has two babies of his own. I just wanted to drop a happy birthday to that little boy…and maybe try not to feel old today.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music
@nativecraftywitch

#duet with @jax.in.the.box_ this hit deep. Totally explains where i am in life. #witch #witchtok #boost #facts #loveyourself

♬ PIPER CJ Black Sheep Daughter – Jax 🌸

Lyrics:

I am not my mother’s Pious Daughter
I am one who runs barefoot cursing sharp stones
I am not my mother’s righteous daughter
I will tattoo my skin I will not lower my voice
She birthed a witch when she wanted a lady
She prayed for a child who would walk with the lord
But I watch the stars and I live by the planets
I cut her dreams short with the edge of my sword
We’re not our mother’s saintly daughters
We forge our own paths, we sing our own tune
We’ll make our own family and walk with our ancestors
One day we’ll meet them with a song and a broom.

My Two Cents- I usually do Youtube for the video, Today this song is from TikTok. It is a reimagination of I am my Mother’s Savage Daughter. I truly love this. I am not the daughter my mother wanted…and that does not make me less. I am me, and I think I need to remember what that really means.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics:

Hello me, meet the real me
And my misfit’s way of life
A dark, black past is my
Most valued possession

Hindsight is always 20-20
But looking back, it’s still a bit fuzzy
Speak of mutually assured destruction?
Nice story, tell it to Reader’s Digest!

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxiety’s attacking me
And my air is getting thin

I’m in trouble for the things
I haven’t got to yet
I’m chomping at the bit
And my palms are getting wet
Sweating bullets

Hello me, it’s me again
You can subdue, but never tame me
It gives me a migraine headache
Sinking down to your level

Yeah, just keep on thinking it’s my fault
And stay an inch or two outta kicking distance
Mankind has got to know
His limitations

Feeling claustrophobic
Like the walls are closing in
Blood stains on my hands
And I don’t know where I’ve been

I’m in trouble for the things
I haven’t got to yet
I’m sharpening the axe
And my palms are getting wet
Sweating bullets

I hear it in here…
Blood stains on my…
The big axe…

Sweating, sweating, sweating, sweating, sweating, sweating

Well me, it’s nice talking to myself
A credit to dementia
Some day you too will know my pain
And smile its “black-tooth grin”

If the war inside my head
Won’t take a day off I’ll be dead
My icy fingers claw your back
Here I come again

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxiety’s attacking me
And my air is getting thin

Feeling claustrophobic
Like the walls are closing in
Blood stains on my hands
And I don’t know where I’ve been

Once you committed me
Now you’ve acquitted me
Claiming validity
For your stupidity

I’m chomping at the bit
I’m sharpening the axe
Here I come again, whoa!
Sweating bullets

My Two Cents- Remember the war within? Yeah, I am still fighting. Don’t we all fight those voices? I have spent quite a few years worried about my mental health issues getting me locked away. Asylums are not good places. Especially when you are extremely claustrophobic. My mind is a place where so many wars have been fought. And I know I am not alone.

Inner demons and the war within

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As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.

“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”

This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”

The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?

I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win.
I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again.
The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within.
Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal,
Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.

Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad,
For I find myself doubting even the truth I had.
Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale,
I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.

I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.

Women’s History, according to Grandma

I found myself scrolling through Tiktok…and I found this. It reminded me of a story that my grandmother told.

yes I am talking about the same grandmother from Grandmother’s Wisdom!

She was born in the 1930’s in Washington DC. She said that young women were not allowed to carry any weapons…but they had hat pins. I put a picture on this post…She told me that the hat pins were sharp and it baffled me. How did women use them with out poking themselves? The hat pins were seriously the same as a dagger in the hands of these young women.

Her story made me think that DC was a really bad place in her youth…(though I guess I can’t say it is a good place now)

I don’t remember the whole story but it was full of the necessary thrill to ensure that the teen I was would be hooked on every word. Now the woman I am in the middle of a dystopian nightmare for women am wishing I could have recorded every single story she told. I will always remember her telling me that Roe vs Wade didn’t make abortion easier to get, it merely made safe abortion easier to get. Women were still getting them, just most of them were dying. She told me about back alley butchers. I was so happy that I was born in post Roe vs Wade America…now I am sorry that I have lived long enough to see my home become a place where I am no longer free.

Challenge.

I have mentioned before that I was going on Vacation. I have also mentioned that I have many strong amazing women in my family. I went to see my Aunt at work today.

She is 70 and still working because she believes in the place she works for. My Daughter and I got to get a little tour. I can’t imagine a more amazing place.

My little girl was wishing that we were closer because of how cool she found it to be. It is a place that helps special needs people to do some pretty cool things.

My Aunt works for Challenge Mountain. They do all sorts of things for people who need a little bit of help. Skiing, snowboarding, sailing, biking, art classes, and more. (My Aunt spoke about a 70’s dance that was recently held. ) She showed us safety equipment for disabled people to make sure that the activities were available for all. I honestly was so impressed with the way it was set up.

I know that I said that I was going to be not updating while I am on vacation, but I had to share my adventure today.

Vacation attacked

So, my mommy messaged me around the beginning of June and said that she was coming to get me around the 18th and keeping me until the 28th. I was not asked if I wanted to go…but I do.. so I am going. I will have internet, but I don’t know what I am going to be doing. So this is your warning. I will not be posting anything during those 10 days…I don’t know if I am going to be able to get myself back to work before the 5th of July (due to a cookout that I decided was a good idea for the fourth) I will be back to posting after the fifth. so please excuse my random disappearance. Have fun and be nice to each other while I am gone…

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics:

Hey, your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home
Why don’t you let me take you?
It’s no good to go alone

I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
And after all the bullshit I’ve heard
Refreshing not to see
That I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me

So, don’t tell me I
Haven’t been good to you
Don’t tell me I
Have never been there for you
Just tell me why
Nothing is good enough

Hey little girl, would you like some candy?
Your Momma said it’s okay
The door is open, come on outside
No, I can’t come out today

It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid?
You’re shaken to the bone
And no, I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this

So, don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
It’s simply not good enough

Oh, so just let me try
I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than
Good enough

So, don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
It’s simply not good enough

Oh, so just let me try
I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than
Good enough

My Two Cents- This song stuck with me. The person who I have always thought of when I have heard it is no longer welcome in my life…but the song still stands for the idea that I am enough. I don’t often feel like I am. I struggle with my own worth. I hope that those who are like me and struggle will hear this message. you don’t always see the ones that adore you for the perfect person you are. You are enough. You are more than enough. you are perfect.