Category: Life

Silence is cruelty

               April is child abuse prevention  month.  So many of my friends, myself included,  are survivors. The thing about surviving is we mostly don’t talk about it. It becomes a dirty little thing that gets hidden because no one wants to hear the truth.  We get told to be quiet or told we are lying. This makes trying to heal all that much more problematic.  One of my friends is waiting to write her story until her mother dies. Simply because every time she tries to speak of what she went through,  her mother tells her not to. The man who molested me was allowed to harm others because when I finally stepped forward no one believed me. It took another to send him to jail. Another friend worries about her son as his father molested him, and was court ordered visiting rights.  Speaking up only works when it is believed. 

My voice shakes… but I have not lied. So for those today whom are out there fighting what you have survived… you are not alone. Speak… no matter who tries to silence you. Write,  if only for yourself,  no matter who tries to stop you. What you say, even if you are afraid,  may help you find your bravery.

Life is all about change

                    I got a kindle fire today. Up till now I’ve always used android devices.  Admittedly I avoided apple products because of the disturbing proprietary nature of their devices. Amazon’s Kindle fire tablet has many of the same flaws.  It is a flaw in computers and tablets. You are required to use a certain set of programs or apps depending on who puts out the device.  Android and Linux are the most flexible in this,  but even they have their limits.  I was asked why I chose a Kindle fire instead of a cheap android.. well the answer is in order to be sure that even half of my apps would work I would need a device well over a hundred dollars.  This tablet which i could verify at least half would work on, only cost $65.  So i went with the lesser evil. However it is a painful change.  As nothing Google works on this.  So i have lost my Google maps, and the luxury of Google docs.  It means no chrome or Google search.  Amazon truly set this up for a consumer as there is less ability to personalize it..All of my lovely Widgets are unusable. So while I do love this tablet,  I mourn the usability that a pricier tablet may have provided.

Rainy days and Sick Mondays

I woke up aching all over. Now my daughter had it yesterday. So I figure it may just be a spring cold. Then I look out the window….Ugh. It is a dreary rainy day. It would certainly not be the first time my body reacted to the weather. Today every little thing has been setting off my anxieties. So here I am, a true mess. Instead of getting anything accomplished…I have been aching and bellyaching. I think today will just be a wash. However I am refusing to let the rain and dreary knock me down. I am making homemade chicken pizza (From dough i froze a couple of weeks ago) to pick up the spirits of my angel and I. Then after dinner dishes i will sit and try and write….even if I delete it tomorrow…I think the discipline may help me be a little less anxious.

Flowers in bloom, head goes boom

just an fyi….sinus season means lots of headaches. lots of me getting less done.  So I am fighting through it. I have mom details to see to. My sister and I are doing a cookbook project for her Faerie Marigold. I finally figured out the title for my sci-fi story. It will be called In the shadow of Kailaras. and managed yesterday to add a couple of hundred words to it. I managed to do a lot yesterday but feeling like caca means less today. as the sun goes down maybe i will be in less pain and be able to push through it.

Not writing, Relaying

I call myself a writer…Still in truth for many of my stories…that title is inadequate. The stories and the characters within take on a life of their own.  They are telling me the story, which I then relay to my readers. I know it is often how writers see their work, But last night it was driven home to me. I have a premise for a story. I have written at least the bare bones of it’s beginning. Enough to where the story and it’s characters are ready to really talk to me. I gave it a temporary title, one I knew would change before it was said and done. I have to title my work so I can tell it from the poetry I write on just file level. So my stories will sometimes have a bland descriptive title to just start with. Well last night, coffee in hand and music on, I opened the document to write. I drew a blank. The only thing that my mind kept focusing on was that the title was wrong. I really tried pushing the story and to my frustration only typed gibberish. So I have a wonderful story idea. Rich with Sci-fi goodness. A strong Heroine with a rich descriptive history. A plot that is strong and a monster that will be interesting…and I am not able to tell it for the fact that the temporary title isn’t the right one. *Headdesk* Yes I am insane….

Of course then i was trying to explain my frustration on my author page on Facebook, with my head pounding from the frustration, and I believe managed to condense what can be a really good story to like five sentences of garbage. In general I hate writing the synopsis anyway. I honestly have a hard time condensing a full story into a “Blurb”. Especially without spoiling the whole thing. So, note to self….no explaining your story when the story itself is refusing to talk to you.   You end up reinforcing the perception that you are insane and only causing your frustration to increase.

Dodging the dust today

Some days it feels like I have too many plates spinning. Hence the Picture above. (credit goes to Jim Hunt Illustrations…for the awesome image.)  Today was no exception. Somehow all those various hats….(mother, Writer, adult, Social media guru, blogger, Friend, Girlfriend, cook, gamer, etc, etc) all seemed to fit. I kept moving and I got stuff done. Even found time to watch a favorite movie with my little girl. Somedays it feels like the dust settles over me. creating a blanket. making it hard to move. Not today. Today I wasn’t sitting long enough for the dust to settle. Today I kept on my feet and managed to get things done. I maybe didn’t do as much in crafts as i did in writing, or maybe I was less attentive to this part of my life as I was to that. Still no broken plates. How about you? Any broken plates today? Did the dust settle? If so that is okay. Tomorrow you can try again.

Lazy days and Tuesdays?

Normally i have a million of things i work on. Between writing and social media, games and housework, Parenting and crafts. This morning was no different. So this afternoon when I returned from running errands, I found myself feeling lazy. I didn’t want to do the normal social media. The games were less than attention grabbing.  Housework does need done, but finding motivation is always fun when it is work. I have some typing to do, and still some writing. I just find myself sitting here thinking how bored I am. I found myself in good company. A lot of my friends were having motivational issues today. I have heard of Lazy days and Mondays. Sundays tend towards lazy days often. However it seems to me I have never heard of Tuesdays being lazy days….I have stuff that needs done, writing just waiting for my attention. So I force the nose to the grindstone. My To-do list for the week is less than interesting for me at the moment. I have done some of the housework that seems to be constantly screaming for attention. I still have dinner dishes to do tonight. I have a vendor fair coming up in May (on the 14th in Keyser if you are interested) So i really need to work on my crafts. and all I seem to feel like saying Is…Not today.

Stress and its cause

I ended up blocking someone on Facebook yesterday. My reasons were simple. Them being in my life was causing me issues. Stress headaches are counterproductive for me. (probably for everyone). Normally this is no big deal and a no brainer. However this one was a big deal, this one hurt. She is the mother of my grandson. She has a habit of moving him around and keeping my son from knowing where he is. Now don’t get me wrong my son is not blameless in the whole mess. He has been lax in sending in support (because he was unemployed and looking for a job). Still my grandson is autistic. And in his three years of life she has moved ten times. So I worry because she is making it worse for the baby, and then instead of allowing his family at least contact, she uses him to play mind games. I cannot handle them anymore.  So I finally had enough and blocked her. It was painful and not an easy decision. Unfortunately because my son is still involved in it I know she is still playing the mind games, claiming that my son is trying to take her child away simply because he is worried about his son. I really hope she eventually realizes how badly she is hurting her son. I hope she realizes before doing any permanent harm to her son. I wish her luck in life, But I am done. I refuse to play her games and be the mom in the middle. Instead I will live my life and do what makes my life work. Under stress I can’t write. Under stress I can’t be a good mom to my youngest. So for the sake of my world, I have to accept that I can’t help my Grandson. That saddens me.  I hope she straightens up her act up before she ruins his life.

My block list is small. Less than ten in all. I only block if I need to for my own sanity. When I do it is because I can’t deal with the person at all. Why do you block? Or do you?

I am

I have always had issues with self image.

I am a poet.

I am a writer, published and paid.

I am a jewelry artist, who has made money.

I am an artist, for my own pleasure.

I am an attractive woman.

I am a mother. Of a full grown son and a preteen girl.

I am Momo (aka grandmother)

I am a computer geek who can program in C#

i am a game master who has been running games for nearly twenty years and has taught many to play.

I am a decent cook and a better baker Most of the time.

I am an intelligent and seeking mind.

I am a blogger.

I am occasionally funny.

I am a voracious reader.

I am a good listener, A fair friend, and a devoted girlfriend.

I am Loyal to a fault.

I am usually kind.

i am usually honest.

I try to be generous, i try to be understanding and i try to be a good friend.

Yet i fight the feeling of failure and fight feeling a lack of worth…

because even though i am all of those things…

some days it feels like all that i am is worthless in the grand scheme of life.

And the worst part is I know I am not alone in how I feel….

Starting and Struggling

As an Indie writer, I understand how hard it is to find people to assist in publication. No book is all about just the written words. There is the writing, The editing, the Illustrating (If it is illustrated), The marketing, The publication. Really it is something many of us try to do on our own. Part of the reason is because it feels like no one out there honestly cares about what we do as we care.  I have a friend who is also an Indie writer. She has published two wonderful Children’s books (The Woodland Adventures)….And is working on the third. She has had two different Illustrators. The first was a wonderful Artist Spirit Horse Studios who due to a surprise new addition to her family had to bow out of the second book. So my friend, Redbird Stormcrow, Found another Illustrator. Only problem is the newest Illustrator doesn’t seem to want to promote her own work. Which any author would feel slighted by. So my friend is about to put out the third book in the series, and is looking for a Illustrator. And not looking for huge costs, and wanting someone who would actually at least take some pride in what they do. It amazes me that there are artists who don’t take pride in their work. I would offer to draw for her but I am awful at cats (the next book has a lot of cats!) So if you are an artist and looking for a start…look her up…

Her author page is still in processing, but when it’s up, go show her some Love! ❤