Tag: Mental Health

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Mayday, mayday, the ship is slowly sinking
They think I’m crazy but they don’t know the feeling
They’re all around me circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
Wash away my colors
Take me high and I’ll sing
Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay)
We are one and the same
Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away)
Save me if I become my demons
I cannot stop this sickness taking over
It takes control and drags me into nowhere
I need your help, I can’t fight this forever
I know you’re watching, I can feel you out there
Take me high and I’ll sing
Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay)
We are one and the same
Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away)
Save me if I become my demons
Take me over the walls below
Fly forever, don’t let me go
I need a savior to heal my pain
When I become my worst enemy
The enemy
Take me high and I’ll sing
You make everything okay
We are one and the same
You take all of the pain away
Take me high and I’ll sing
Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay)
We are one and the same
Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away)
Save me if I become my demons
Take me high and I’ll sing
Oh, you make everything (my demons) okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay, my demons)
We are one and the same
Oh, you take all of the pain (my demons) away, away, away (away, away, away, my demons)
Save me if I become my demons

My 2 Cents –

My demons here lately are loud…and I end up feeling like I am constantly at war. Whilst I war within I might seem strange and distant…I am not, and I apologize if it seems that way. This is just how I fight this war.

The Things We Do

Tonight the voice is loud.

That voice that says I am not enough.

No matter how much I do. No matter what I list as my accomplishments.

I refuse to listen. So I have been in defiance doing art and writing.

Though I see it as flawed…my view of my art and writing always says that there is no reason why anyone would like it…

I have purposely not been allowing my inner voice the ability to take control.

It is an actual fight.

Tonight I am winning.

The art above was done tonight.

Echoes is now 65/70 poems

Serena’s Gathered Bones is at 13/70 poems

Kingdoms of sin got another 500 words tonight.

There is a story started for Fae Corps publishing’s Spring anthology.

And I did another digital landscape.

I have still got work that needs done. Things that are sitting on my desk with a needs attention tag on them…but tonight I was in the wrong headspace for editing and for making sure that things looked their best. Tonight I did my best to create.

Because when you are feeling like you are not enough – MAKE MORE! so I did.

And if it is flawed…well some of the best loved things are flawed. that does not make them loved any less.

Laziness, busyiness or burnout

I have been doing the publishing stuff since 2010. For my own personal stuff, then I started with Fae Corps in 2019.

I struggle with depression, PTSD, Migraines, and a whole bunch of other health issues. Which is why I don’t do more than I do. Fae Corps does limited books because I don’t have the ability to do anything more.

I use several platforms to publish the books, with a few routines to make the work easier for me to accomplish. And I always leave plenty of time on the deadline so I don’t ever get pressured for time. Hence why we are starting to take the children’s book submissions for the kids week books now.

One of the places that I have used for publishing is draft2digital.com and I will continue to for the ebooks. Their print option however is awful. I stopped using them when we were getting reports of the cover for the books being delivered cockeyed.

Now I do the same place as they did separately. Better quality. The trick for their ebook set up is to prevent them from messing with the layout. So the only way to do that is to provide an epub file… which means I have learned how to make that.

That was in 2020 that I stopped using them for print. I really don’t know what I have been thinking. Someone pointed out that the print was wrong for Through the Sunshine… so I checked. I care about the quality of our books. So I will always check. Yes it is something that I can fix. Something that I should have already done.

Now, I am asking myself. Is the 17 books that I still have to port over a sign of laziness? Or that I have been doing too much? And should I even get upset with myself over the whole thing?

Honestly I think that I am just going to get it done and write it off as a learning experience. If I beat myself up over it, well it will just be longer for me to get it done.

The 17 books are a mix of the early Anthologies for Fae Corps Publishing and some of my poetry volumes. In order to get it fixed I will have to take it off sale on the one place and put it back up on the other two. So I am going to be doing this one book at a time. It should only have each book down for around a week in print only.

I will get each of them updated on their books2read.com links. I plan on posting on fae corps publishing as I have each book updated. This is a ridiculous amount of work and I am probably still going to be dealing with this well into the next year.

To my brain…

I have been doing the layout for Muse’s Masterpiece, dealing with the anthologies for Fae Corps Publishing, and I am sick. And I look around at the new poetry volume…there is only 3 poems in it so far.

My housework has fallen behind…

And everything aches…

And the squirrel brain says that I am a failure because I am not writing.

Sometimes we have to learn to tell our brains to shut up.

I am doing all that I am capable of right now.

And if anything I need to slow down, rest more because my body is still not feeling well.

So, hush you squishy ball of overworked fat. I am doing as much as I can do.

Wild Wednesday

Mental Health is a tricky thing.

I have this year struggled to find a therapist. I wish I could say it is all my doing that is causing this disconnect. At least then I could point the finger and go…This is what I need to fix. I wish I could just heal my mind and never need therapy again. (I literally just had a therapist accuse me of wanting to be broken because it was all I have ever known. I can’t even explain to her what damage she added to me.)

Some days are better than others.

Some days I fight and find myself actually happy. I enjoy the moments that life gives me…I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy the moments where I do something and it feels like I am doing it right.

The problem is those moments are not as often as I need them to be.

The other problem is I don’t have the people I need to share those moments with.

I have friends. I have family. I just don’t want to bother them. So I am lonely. In the fishbowl of the internet.

Today…

Perhaps I am a little more willing to show the vulnerability, and say that having mental health issues sucks.

Wild Wednesday

Wild Wednesday!

So many topics…. what should I talk about?

It’s Sunday when I am doing the blog posts… and I find myself struggling to find a topic for the week. This week has been longer than usual for me… and we are going to be heading into a rough area of the year.

Why is that you might ask? Because of my birthday. It is the 13th of March. I struggle with my own birthday. The reason is that I honestly never expected to make it to 30… and I am going to be 48. I don’t know what to do with myself.

So I don’t know if I will be able to get the blog up for the week surrounding the 13th. I am already stressed out and struggling with my mental health.

I plan on trying to get it done… but I want to warn you that I am struggling with this one. That way if I don’t manage it no one is surprised. Yes, I do realize that I have a week before then… but I’m also starting to feel the quicksand of the birthday blues. So I am going to state the issue now and hope that I can overcome it by then.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics

I don’t know what you had in mind
But here we stand on opposing sides

Let’s go to war
Let’s go to war

We arm ourselves with the wrongs we’ve done
Name them off one by one

Let’s go to war
Let’s go to war

Everything you say
Everything you do
You push it in
And you cut me down
And you cut me down

War, war, war

Screaming at the ones we love
Like we forgot who we can trust
Screaming at the top of our lungs
On the grounds where we feel safe

Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?

Hush my baby; make no sound
Maybe we can wait each other out
It’s a cold war
Let’s go to war

With every settled score
I thought that fighting with meant fighting for
But you turn it around
But you turn it around

War, war, war

Screaming at the ones we love
Like we forgot who we can trust
Screaming at the top of our lungs
On the grounds where we feel safe
Screaming at the ones we love

Like we forgot who we can trust
Screaming at the top of our lungs
On the grounds where we feel safe

Do we feel safe?
Do we feels safe?
Do we feel safe?

Do we censor or do we flow?
Are we drunk on the chemicals?
Every feeling in my bones tells me to lash out
And tell you to fuck off

You’ve got my heart
And I’ve got your soul
But are we better off alone?

With every battle we lose a little more
Remember everything that we’d die for
You are everything that I’d die for

Screaming at the ones we love
Like we forgot who we can trust
Screaming at the top of our lungs
On the grounds that we feel safe

Screaming at the ones we love
Like we forgot who we can trust
Screaming at the top of our lungs
On the grounds where we feel safe

Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe
Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?
Do we feel safe?

My 2 Cents – I thought I should talk about the title for my current volume. Internal Battlefields. I feel like all mental health is an internal war. we fight a battle every day against our own minds. This song feels like the anthem for this volume. So, LET’S GO TO WAR!

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics

Strike first
Make it hurt
When everyone assumes the worst
I never have to say I’m sorry
Spiteful
Ruinous
I’m all things you feared I was
Another villain in your story
You think that I’m a spitfire?
You should
Afraid you’re on my bad side?
That’s good
If I wanted to end you
I could
I could
I’m sinking down
If you only knew how hard it is
For me to climb out
I’m kicking and screaming
But no one can hear me
So what happens now?
The shadows are creeping in
I didn’t ask for
I didn’t ask for this
Cold rage
Hides the shame
Of images I can’t escape
Scars that live under the surface
It’s strange
What I became
When part of me was ripped away
And replaced with something worthless
You think that I’m a spitfire?
You should
Afraid you’re on my bad side?
That’s good
If I wanted to end you
I could
I could
I’m sinking down
If you only knew how hard it is
For me to climb out
I’m kicking and screaming
But no one can hear me
So what happens now?
The shadows are creeping in
I didn’t ask for
I didn’t ask for this
Take what’s left
Of my fractured heart
Bloodstained ’cause
The pieces are so sharp
Take what’s left
Of my fractured heart
Bloodstained ’cause
The pieces are so sharp
I’m sinking down
If you only knew how hard it is
For me to climb out
I’m kicking and screaming
But no one can hear me
So what happens now?
The shadows are creeping in
I didn’t ask for
I didn’t ask for this
Never forget
I didn’t ask for this

My 2 Cents – this time of year is so freaking hard. No one asks for the mental health issues. No one asks for trauma. No one asks for the feeling like they are just unlovable…yet…so many people feel like they are. It costs you nothing to be kind, to be patient.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics –

The voices in my head keep on telling me to pray
‘Cause I’m spinning like a carousel, circling the drain
Hit the bottom of the bottle, I don’t wanna feel the pain
But that is all I got for now, I don’t wanna talk about it
The voices in my head keep on begging me to stay
If I pull the trigger now then the demons go away
And I know my time is coming so there ain’t no time to waste
So that is all I got for now, I don’t wanna talk about it
The voices in my head keep telling me to choose a side
It’s heaven or hell like it’s do or die
I’m a sad boy, you know better
Please don’t make this last forever
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m not okay
It’s feeling like a hurricane in my brain
Dark clouds, hard times, bad weather
Please don’t make this last forever
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die)
And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized)
They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie)
I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it
The voices in my head keep giving me the worst advice
Kamikaze crash like a suicide
I’m a lost boy, you know better
Please don’t make this last forever
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m insane
And maybe I’m a little bit, that won’t change
Dark clouds, hard times, bad weather
Please don’t make this last forever
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die)
And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized)
They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie)
I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed
I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse
We’re all gonna die but first things first
I’ma take the world with me when they put me in the dirt
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed
I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse
We’re all gonna die but first things first
I’ma take the world with me when they put me in the dirt
Move
(Move)
Voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed
I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse
We’re all gonna die, first things first
I’ma take the world with me when they put me in the dirt
The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die)
And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized)
They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie)
I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it
The voices in my head keep on telling me to pray
‘Cause I’m spinning like a carousel, circling the drain
Hit the bottom of the bottle, I don’t wanna feel the pain
I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it

My 2 Cents – this is the time of year when mental health is the hardest to deal with. Addiction, family issues, and simply put trauma responses end up making it more than disaster… and then those who are trying to find the way to handle the mental health problems end up feeling like they are to blame for ruining the holidays. You can really never tell what someone else is going through. Be kind, please.

Pad day 11

Today the prompt was scary. For me, my own sanity is often the scariest thing out there….