Tag: Mental Health

Saturday thoughts

Meme - Feeling Invisible

I will be going back to the other sort of Saturday post hopefully next week. I am feeling rotten, and the world just seems awful lately. So I thought I would again share my thoughts. (I did not get Saturday Scheduled ahead so this is a last minute scramble for a post as well)

This has been a rough week. Lots of Doctor visits and medical tests. I fell twice. And I feel like I got nothing done. Perhaps that is why I am doing the switch on the post. I need to feel like there is more to me than just what I get done.

I know how to do so many things. I can do resin crafts, sewing, Plastic Canvas, Needlepoint, Digital art, Coding in C++, Calligraphy, Acrylic and Watercolor Painting, Candlemaking, Soapmaking, Play Piano, Book binding, Offset Printing, First Aid, Graphic/Cover Design, basic jewelry design, metal working, wood working, Bread baking, Basic cooking, writing stories & poetry, Editing, and so much more. Still there are days when I feel like I am useless.

Why? because I couldn’t do the mamogram on the right side because of pain. Because my hands curl due to arthritis. Because I get so dizzy I randomly lose my balance. Because I legitimately forget to eat. I struggle to remember to take the pharmacy I am supposed to take twice a day. (20 pills in the morning, 18 pills at night, and a shot once a week) I either stay awake 3-4 days at a time or I sleep 24 hours straight. and I never feel rested. So I feel useless a lot. Am I? nah, but that doesn’t mean that feeling is any less. I didn’t even mention that I taught myself how to publish. I have taught myself most of the skills I have. The only “Talent” I have (An ability that I did not need to practice or study) is writing poetry…and even that I have improved by simply practicing. So if, like me, you are feeling useless….stop and list all that you know how to do. I believe it will help you feel better about you.

Thursday Thoughts

Thursday Thoughts
Meme - Overthinking

So I posted about an anthology that Serena is in. It really is such a lovely book. The other authors are amazing…and I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong there. The story I wrote was decent…I am not going to claim it was awful or any crap like that. But there is an Introduction in the front of the book that lists that authors as the top horror and dark romance authors…And my brain goes ok now I am guilty of lying to these amazing people.

Imposter syndrome is such a tough thing to grapple with. Most of the best authors I know fight with it. It can seriously cripple even the best writer to a mess and make writing a defeated blank on an overthinking mind…

So, I am struggling with my own brain. I don’t want to accept the idea that I am unable to tell the stories locked inside the squishy lump calling itself my brain.

Backing up

Meme - Overthinking

so I am about to get a new computer and that means I have to back up my files.

I am going back to the old files back up and cleaning them up…

I am feeling like a disaster because I keep my files so completely organized on my computer…and the back up is not.

I realize I am letting my brain be mean to me..

but I also am allowing my brain to think about it so I can deal with the reasons why it bothered me ..

Musical ah ha moment

Meme - Overthinking

So my boyfriend and I have different views on the song popular monster. I prefer the one by Falling in Reverse  and he prefers Halocene’s version. This is really not a big thing. We have different views on songs that we both like and we just deal with the other persons view.

We were going to a appointment today and his vehicle so he gets to choose the music. He played popular monster and it was an ah ha moment for me. Halocene’s voice is the same register as I sing in my head… So I like the other one because I can enjoy the song. Halocenes version ends up being my inner voice.

And that song is a little bit too close to home.

Answer the question

My daughter is actually too smart for my own good.

We were having a conversation and she got slightly aggravated with me. I know she probably phrased it slightly differently but the gist of what she said was that she had heard me tell her father that I don’t see him as the villain, and I don’t want him to be my hero. Her question was “well why the hell not? who rescues you?”

I don’t know how to explain to her that I don’t want to be rescued. I am my own hero…. and I tried to tell her that. She said that she had never seen me choose myself over them. I have always chosen the best for her and him. She said she didn’t understand. I chose the best for the best part of my life. How do I even begin to explain it?

She is my whole world. Don’t get me wrong, I love my other two children but I didn’t get to raise either of them… and then add in the two miscarriages I had before her. I can’t have any more children. I wanted a house full when I was younger.  I found having her was enough.

She always seems to know what to say and when I just need her to be around. She has such a delightful eclectic taste in music and an artistic bent. She is so empathetic and she has a definite view of the world.

So, she is my whole reason to want to be a better person. And she gets mad at me for not being selfish.

How does it work?

Wild Wednesday

I am certain I can do the deadline for Tears of the Broken.

I don’t know if I will be able to get it done with a huge amount of leeway but it will be done by the deadline.

I promised if I was certain I could I would reveal my next volume today.

If you follow me on Facebook at all you have seen the cover. I have an album that I dump all the new ones that I create into.

Ever since creation this has been on my mind.

I generally choose a word for each year. most years it has not been something I have put a lot of weight on. This year the word is Hope.

So I thought Hope Splashes would be a good one for this year… but I think it wants to be written sooner rather than later.

I wanted to share all of the covers here but it was too much for WordPress. Hence why my post for last week. I found the limit 😞.

Lifts when you least expect

So between the stress of the normal holidays and vehicle issues… I have been a little bit more than usual fighting with my internal demons. To the point where it has even interrupted the writing. Usually the fight feeds the writing…

I’m not sure what the difference is this year but I have been struggling. That being said… my friend Jenny Elliott – writer, and Fae Corps intern…chose the best way to cheer me up.

She has been reading my The Voices within volume. And she came to a poem and decided to tell me that I was more than enough.

Screenshot she sent me.

Then she has been busy with making marketing stuff for Fae Corps and I keep running across my books there.

Though I know it was a part of her job…it really does feel like I have made some difference in this world.

Sometimes we can’t see the world around us for the immediate struggle we are dealing with.

Remember you never know what your reviews will do for the author.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

No one knows just what has become of her
Shattered doll, desperate
Oh so innocent and delicate
But too damn obdurate
And obstinate to let go
Broken down, hurt again, it never ends
Frightened and trembling
Did she fall again? An accident?
Her eyes encircled in black again
I can’t believe that she’s still with him
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
Look inside see what has become of her
Hiding within again
Can she pick herself up again?
It’s just too difficult and arduous to let go
Homicide flashes through her mind again
No more pain, take control
If he raises his hand again
She’ll find her freedom in killing him
The world will see that she’s had enough
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
For how long will you deny?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can’t disguise
The fact that you’re in misery
Broken down, hurt again
It never ends


My 2 Cents –

This song is often taken as speaking of an abused woman. I have always seen it as masking in any form. Being who you are not in any relationship is a torture. If you love someone, accept them for who they are. No matter what they are.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Spooky, scary skeletons
Send shivers down your spine
Shrieking skulls will shock your soul
Seal your doom tonight

Spooky, scary skeletons
Speak with such a screech
You’ll shake and shudder in surprise
When you hear these zombies shriek

We’re sorry skeletons, you’re so misunderstood
You only want to socialize, but I don’t think we should

‘Cause spooky, scary skeletons
Shout startling, shrilly screams
They’ll sneak from their sarcophagus
And just won’t leave you be

Spirits supernatural are shy what’s all the fuss?
But bags of bones seem so unsafe, it’s semi-serious

Spooky, scary skeletons
Are silly all the same
They’ll smile and scrabble slowly by
And drive you so insane

Sticks and stones will break your bones
They seldom let you snooze
Spooky, scary skeletons
Will wake you with a boo!

My 2 Cents –

Okay, I know this is a silly song. But it suits this time of year. I really am in the fall mood. And considering my kid blew my phone up while I was out of contact with a text chain containing one text for each word of the lyrics to this…I really had no choice…dance with me?

Vacation plans and trying to make it stick

So I do a daily goal.

This weekend I was easily able to make that goal and then some.

My daily goal? 250 word count and a poem. It doesn’t sound like a lot… but I don’t often make it. Between the publication process and life being what it is… I stay busy.

I had no Internet and no computer and no access to the phone where I have been. So I was just able to draw and write.

I got a new kids book written, several poems, and Serena got quite a bit of her new story for the spring fae corps Anthology done. (It’s about half way written now). I was only gone for a weekend.

Maybe I need to plan on writing retreats. Serena needs to start putting some work in on her books. Next year this is an option for me.

But being out of contact is anxiety inducing for me. This is a wonderful thing for my writing but it is not a good thing for me personally. It is something I will have to think about.