Tag: abuse

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

They cry in the dark
So you can’t see their tears
They hide in the light
So you can’t see their fears
Forgive and forget
All the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child

Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh

It’s all so confusing this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes and then apologize
Be daddy’s good girl, and don’t tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you’ll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell from the swing

Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh

No, hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell is for children
Hell is for children

My 2 Cents –

Was struggling to find a song for the week and this came across my dash. It’s unfortunate… But I feel this. Childhood should not be something you have to heal from…but for many of us it is.

Time to talk about monsters

Photo by Drigo Diniz on Pexels.com

I have never made secret of the fact that I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse. And yesterday was a very emotional day.

Survivors know that most monsters wear human skin. My monster was a quiet man that everyone believed was a good person. He told me that no one would believe me if I told about how he hurt me. He made me believe that I deserved the pain. That is what monsters do. They convince you that you deserve every bit of what they do. Even in death he haunts me, as I find myself feeling like a bad person for enjoying the fact that he committed suicide.

Monsters are among us. And now the world has one less. Though I am relieved I will not celebrate any farther. I will instead work on creating beauty to combat the monsters that remain in this world. I will be an advocate for those who have had their voice stolen.

This means that I am going to need to step back and breathe, I need to calm the emotional roller-coaster this has created. I will be back on Monday. Until then, avoid the monsters and be kind

Tuesday Tunes (Delayed Edition)

Ok, I missed yesterday. I know I posted the first of the poet posts… But I feel like this fits.

Pat Benatar – Hell is for Children

Lyrics – They cry in the dark
So you can’t see their tears
They hide in the light
So you can’t see their fears
Forgive and forget
All the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh
It’s all so confusing this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes and then apologize
Be daddy’s good girl, and don’t tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you’ll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell from the swing
Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh
No, hell is for children
Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children
Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children
Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children
Hell is for children
Hell is for children

My 2 cents – so all of the poets that I will be telling you about helped me to start to heal. Well there were also some songs… This one helped me feel like I was not alone. I felt understood, A rare thing then.

Tuesday Tunes

Bad Wolves – Killing Me Slowly

Lyrics – Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I built these walls to hide my ghosts
Your fingers trace the wounds exposed
I try and try to let you in
But I fail again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I run this maze, erase my steps
With lips that lie, with every breath
You try and try to let me in
But I hurt you again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly
Killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)
You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)

My 2cents – first off let me apologize for the formatting. WordPress was stuck on stupid today and I couldn’t get the lyrics to unbold. The video for this song shows a woman dealing with infidelity. The song itself has power. We don’t often see the pieces that are broken off by the actions we take, and this song speaks about recovery from the loss of those broken bits. I love the strength it takes to say that I love you but you don’t know me. I see it as questioning whether the love is real. For me, I have felt the heaviness of a “love” like this. It’s one sided and it smothers you. It’s not really love but when you are under the spell of it you can’t imagine it as anything else.

So what do you think?

Thursday Tea Party

Hello, lovely friends. I hope that this tea party finds you well? If not I think that I can find you some lavender and jasmine blend to ease the belly.

My tea today came from the gas station . I have a weakness for peach.

It is really good, and all of the ingredients are pronouncable. I wonder about the chemicals that are in food nowadays. Sometimes, I feel like a lab rat for all of the chemicals in my food. So, when possible, I like getting more natural food.

A friend shared a nice meme with me yesterday made me smile.

I am not sure that I qualify as a Positive Patti. Though I do try. Some of the topics that I discuss are not meant to be positive.

My memoir is in preorder. I almost did not write it. I am not famous , not someone who most people would seek out to read the life story of. However, I tell my stories semi freely. I can’t help it. I don’t want to hide the past… Hiding brings shame. I have no reason to be ashamed.

Well a couple of women in one of my author groups on Facebook pushed me to write a memoir. Memoirs are for people who are famous or have enormous stories to share, I argued. They pointed out that my stories were bigger than I realized.

From stories of surviving abuse and rape to cute childhood memories, interspersed with poetry, I believe that Inspiration Without a Home is worth the read. It is my truth. There is some people who have reason to claim I am lying. I don’t intend to argue. This is my story, my truth. Let them tell theirs if they wish.

I am finally in a place in my life where I can speak my truth and not fear for the cost.

Friday my bestie, and partner in Fae Corps Publishing, releases her new YA novel. A Royal’s Undoing by Cyndi Pilcher is the first book in what looks to be an interesting set. It is filled with Elves, Murder, magic and political intrigue. Not wanting to spoil it, because I truly think it is worth the read, but the ending has a great twist.

Creative’s Rising E-Zine is in the process of production. Things that caused the summer edition to be stopped have been set to rights. So the Fall edition will be on time. I will have poetry within.

I recently interviewed for a bi-weekly writing position. If I get it I will be doing a bi-weekly article there as well. Maybe I will get in to their poetry department.

In order to apply for them, I had to do a resume. I was surprised by the amount of places I could claim in the last few years. Though I have been writing my whole life, I have only been doing the publish and share thing since 2010. Which seems like so much longer than it really is.

Oh my! Rambling on today. I didn’t realize how much I had to say! So, I am going to leave you with a question. If you had to write a memoir, what is the first memory that you would want to include?

Playlist abuse

*Tw- please don’t listen to any of these songs if you are in a bad place.

Due to the nature of these I am not going to do links. This is by no means all of the songs of this nature, feel free to comment any that I have missed.

#
“25 Years”, by Pantera
“13 ‘N Good”, by Boogie Down Productions & KRS-One

A
“Aawaz – Speak Up Against Sexual Violence”, by Jim Ankan Deka
“Adam Raised a Cain”, by Bruce Springsteen
“Alive”, by Pearl Jam
“All Day Long” , by New Order
“Alyssa Lies”, by Jason Michael Carroll
“Amelia”, by The Mission
“Anger Rising”, by Jerry Cantrell
“Ask Me”, by Amy Grant
“Apollo”, by Hardwell
“A Gunshot to the Head of Trepidation, by Trivium
“Angels” by Within Temptation

B
“Bachpan”, by Rameez Khalid
“Baby’s Romance”, by Chris Garneau
“Bad Wisdom”, by Suzanne Vega
“Ballerina”, by Nicole 12
“Because of You”, by Kelly Clarkson
“Black”, by Okkervil River
“Bang my Head against the Wall”, by Sia
“Blown Away”, by Carrie Underwood
“The Blue Flashing Light”, by Travis
“Broken Angel”, by Boyce Avenue
“Broken Girl”, by Matthew West
“Brisbane Hotel Sutra”, by The Mountain Goats
“Break The Chain (One-Billion Rising)”, by V-day
“Broom People”, by The Mountain Goats
“Beer Bottles”, by Arek Mahaga Bryant
“Bottle Dreams”, by Eyedea
“Barbarism Begins at Home”, by The Smiths

C
“Camisado”, by Panic! at the Disco
“Candles”, by Daughter
“Candyman”, by Siouxsie and the Banshees
“Carnival”, by Natalie Merchant
“Castle on a Cloud”, from Les Misérables
“Child Called ‘It'”, by Buckcherry
“Children Of The Night”, by Richard Marx
“Concrete Angel”, by Martina McBride
“Confessions of a Broken Heart”, by Lindsay Lohan
“Cleanin’ Out My Closet”, by Eminem
“Cleaning Out My Closet”, by Angel Haze
“Clown”, by Korn
“Cradle”, by Mudvayne
“Convex, Concave”, by Biffy Clyro
“Cousin Kevin”, by The Who

D
“Daddy”, by Korn
“Daddy didn’t love me”, by Andrew Jackson Jihad
“Dance Music”, by The Mountain Goats
“Damaged”, by Plumb
“Daughter”, by Pearl Jam
“Day Six: Childhood”, by Ayreon
“Down with the Sickness”, by Disturbed
“Drunk Daddy”, by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies
“Disarm”, by Smashing Pumpkins
“Dead Babies”, by Alice Cooper
“Devil in a Midnight Mass”, by Billy Talent
“Don’t Let Daddy Kiss Me”, by Motörhead
“Daddy’s Girl”, by Scorpions
“Dear Mr. Jesus”, by PowerSource
“Dirty Night Clowns”, by Chris Garneau
“Dollhouse”, by Melanie Martinez

E
“Enough’s Enough”, by Alice Cooper
“Eva”, by Nightwish
“End Of Me”, by A Day To Remember
“Evidence”, by Tara MacLean
“Everyone’s Gone to the Movies”, by Steely Dan
“Expose Yourself to Kids”, by GG Allin

F
“Face Down”, by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
“Facade” by Disturbed
“Falling Away from Me”, by Korn
“Family Portrait”, by P!nk
“Family Tree”, by Megadeth
“Father”, by LL Cool J
“Father”, by The Front Bottoms
“Family Portrait ” by Pink
“Fee Fi Fo”, by The Cranberries
“Fiddle About”, by The Who
“Fire On Babylon”, by Sinéad O’Connor
“Five”, by Machine Head
“For Adrian (Many Years Ago)”, by Jim White
“For The Love of a Daughter”, by Demi Lovato
“For You”, by Staind
“From Daughter to Father”, by Secret Scapegoats
“Fistful Of Love” By Antony And The Johnsons

G
“God Gave Us Life”, by Half Man Half Biscuit
“God Has a Plan for Us All”, by Angtoria
“Gunpowder & Lead” by Miranda Lambert
“Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie chicks

H
“Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod”, by The Mountain Goats
“The Day the Aliens Came (Hawaiian Feeling)”, by The Mountain Goats
“He”, by Jars of Clay
“Hell Is for Children”, by Pat Benatar
“Hello” by Evanescence
“He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)” by the crystals
“Hero”, by Superchick
“His Daughter”, by Molly Kate Kestner
“Holy Water”, by Big & Rich
“Howard’s Tale”, by Sick Puppies
“Homeless”, by Marina Kaye
“Hopeful”, by Bars and Melody
“Harvester of Sorrow”, by Metallica
“How Could You Leave Us”, by NF
“The Hush”, by Hellyeah
“His Daughter” by Molly Kate Kestner

I
“I am One of Them”, by Aly & AJ
“I Have a Right” by Sonata Arctica
“Innocence”, by Seventh Day Slumber
“Independence Day” by Martina McBride
“In Harm’s Way”, by Metal Church
“In Your Care”, by Tasmin Archer
“In the Night”, by The Weeknd
“Insane”, by Eminem
“I’m OK”, by Christina Aguilera
“I’ll Pay You to Shoot Him”, by Megan McCauley
“In a Darkened Room”, by Skid Row
“I’m a Boy”, by The Who
“I Left My Heart in Papworth General”, by Half Man Half Biscuit

J
“Janie’s Got a Gun”, by Aerosmith
“Jordan, Minnesota”, by Big Black
“Just Like You”, by Three Days Grace
“Just Because of What You Did”, by Secret Scapegoats

K
“Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?”, by The Offspring
“K.Y.A.” by Flotsam and Jetsam

L
“La La La”, by Naughty Boy
“Leave the Light On”, by Beth Hart
“The Little Girl”, by John Michael Montgomery
“Little House”, by The Fray
“Little Toy Guns”, by Carrie Underwood
“Lion’s Teeth”, by The Mountain Goats
“Love – Suicide”, by Monster KID
“Luka”, by Suzanne Vega
“Let You Down”, by NF
“Little Susie”, by Michael Jackson

L
“La La La”, by Naughty Boy
“Leave the Light On”, by Beth Hart
“The Little Girl”, by John Michael Montgomery
“Little House”, by The Fray
“Little Toy Guns”, by Carrie Underwood
“Lion’s Teeth”, by The Mountain Goats
“Love – Suicide”, by Monster KID
“Luka”, by Suzanne Vega
“Let You Down”, by NF
“Little Susie”, by Michael Jackson

M
“Magdalena”, by Frank Zappa and the Mothers
“Mansion”, by NF
“Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa/Keepin’ the Faith”, by De La Soul
“Missed Me”, by The Dresden Dolls
“My Mom”, by Eminem
“Me and Little Andy”, by Dolly Parton
“Mommy”, by Mushroomhead
“Mr. Tinkertrain”, by Ozzy Osbourne
“My Decision”, by Eric Himan
“A Million Men”, by Melanie Martinez
“My Skin” by Natalie Merchant

N
“Never Again”, by Nickelback
“Never Too Late”, by Three Days Grace
“No Place Like Home”, by Mesh
“No Son of Mine”, by Genesis
“Nowhere To Stand”, by k.d. lang
“Numb”, by Linkin Park

O
“Open Wounds”, by Skillet
“Oh, Father”, by Madonna
“Oh, Mother”, by Christina Aguilera
“Outside Of That” by Bessie Smith
“One and Only”, by The Young Dubliners
“Ohio”, by Jacob Whitesides
“One Last Breath”, by Creed

P
“Pale Green Things”, by The Mountain Goats
“Papa”, by Prince
“Petals”, by Mariah Carey
“Points of Authority”, by Linkin Park
“Perfect ” by simple plan
“Polly”, by Nirvana
“Pretty”, by Korn
“Prison Sex”, by Tool
“Pushit”, by Tool
“Praying” by Ke$ha

Q
“A Question of Time”, by Depeche Mode
“A Quick One, While He’s Away”, by The Who

R
“Razor Blade”, by Blue October
“Remember Everything”, by Five Finger Death Punch
“Runaway Love”, by Ludacris
“Runaway Train”, by Soul Asylum
“Rusted from the Rain” by Billy Talent

S
“Saturday”, by Hedley
“Sandy Fishnets”, by Evelyn Evelyn
“Shine”, by Cold
“Show Me the Way”, by Styx
“Sleep”, by Stabbing Westward
“Sleep Like a Baby Tonight” , by U2
“Slide”, by The Dresden Dolls
“Steven”, by Jake Miller
“Secrets” by David Hodges
“Suggestion”, by Fugazi
“Superficial Addiction”, by Monster KID
“Superheroes”, by The Script
“Sippy Cup”, by Melanie Martinez
“Suffer Little Children”, by The Smiths
“Stone Cold Dead In The Market (He Had It Coming)” by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan

T
“Tell Me There’s a Heaven”, by Chris Rea
“The Ballad of Dwight Fry”, by Alice Cooper
“The Dreadful Hours”, by My Dying Bride
“The Evangelist”, by Spawn of Possession
“The monster”, by insane clown posse
“Three Points on a Compass”, by Martin Rossiter
“This Life Is Mine”, by Jeff Williams
“This Year”, by The Mountain Goats
“Tier”, by Rammstein
“A Trophy Father’s Trophy Son”, by Sleeping With Sirens
“Too Beautiful”, by He Is We
“The Father Who Must Be Killed”, by Morrissey
“The Hand That Rocks The Cradle”, by The Smiths
“The Other Side”, by Smile Empty Soul
“Two Beds and a Coffee Machine”, by Savage Garden
“Till it happens to you ” by Lady Gaga

U
“Uncle Jack”, by Mötley Crüe
“Uncle Salty”, by Aerosmith
“Universal Child”, by Annie Lennox

W
“Waking Up to The Big Drill Pad”, by Flatsound
“Wash Away Those Years”, by Creed
“What About”, by Janet Jackson
“What’s It Gonna Take”, by Ronnie McDowell
“What’s the Matter Here”, by 10,000 Maniacs
“When Did This Storm Begin”, by Shiny Toy Guns
“Wonderful”, by Everclear
“Warrior”, by Demi Lovato
“Wrong again” by Martina McBride

Y
“Years Ago”, by Alice Cooper
“You”, by Everclear
“You Knocked the Love (Right Outta My Heart)”, by Millie Jackson

Tuesday Tunes

Hello my lovelies. Welcome back for another song. Tell me in the comments what you are listening to today?

Today I bring you

Aerosmith- Janie’s Got a Gun

Lyrics –

[Verse 1]
Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound of my gun
Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound

[Chorus 1]
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Her whole world’s come undone
From lookin’ straight at the sun
What did her daddy do?
What did he put you through?

[Verse 2]
They said when Janie was arrested
They found him underneath a train
But man, he had it comin’
Now that Janie’s got a gun
She ain’t never gonna be the same

[Chorus 2]
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Her dog day’s just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell me now it’s untrue
What did her daddy do?
He jacked a little bitty baby
The man has got to be insane
They say the spell that he was under the lightning and
The thunder knew that someone had to stop the rain

[Chorus 3]
Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah
Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

[Chorus 2]
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Her dog day’s just begun
Now everybody is on the run

[Verse 2]
What did her daddy do?
It’s Janie’s last I.O.U
She had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his brain
She said cause nobody believes me. The man was such a sleeze
He ain’t never gonna be the same

[Chorus 3]
Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

[Guitar Solo]

[Chorus 2]
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Now everybody is on the run

[Outro]
Janie’s got a gun
Her dog day’s just begun
Now everybody is on the run (Honey honey, what’s the problem?)
Because Janie’s got a gun (Tell me it ain’t right)
Janie’s got a gun (Was it Daddy’s cradle robbing that)
Her dog day’s just begun (Made you scream at night?)
Now everybody is on the run
Janie’s got a gun

My two cents :

This song brought me comfort as a teen. I am an abuse survivor… And I was not believed. So I was a very angry teenager. I really think that most teens are angry. The injustice of being too young to do adult things and too old to be a kid. But I was fighting battles that I had no idea of how to deal with. This song spoke about vengeance against abuse. It spoke to the angry in me. I still love the song for that reason. It speaks to the part of me that has never seen justice. I have a lovely playlist that I may share… There is a lot of songs that talk about abuse… A lot more than most people realize exist.

Tuesday Tunes

Hello my lovelies! Thank you all for your understanding and well wishes yesterday. I am not back to 100% but I am doing better. This weekend was a lot of me sleeping to recover. Today’s song took me some thinking. I like to use songs that have meaning to me, beyond just me liking it. That way I can perhaps encite a discussion, or try to. So there were several that popped to mind due to indepence day being this week…the one that won the spotlight in my mind isn’t some patriotic theme.

Today I want to talk about Independence Day by Martina McBride.

Well she seemed all right by dawn’s early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak.
She tried to pretend he wasn’t drinkin’ again
But daddy’d left the proof on her cheek.
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day.

Well ,word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground
But she knew she was on the losin’ end.
Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day.

Well, she lit up the sky that fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames
And took down some names
And send me to the county home.
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right or it’s wrong
But maybe it’s the only way.
Talk about your revolution
It’s Independence Day.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day.

Roll the stone away
It’s Independence Day.

This song is so powerful. The lyrics speak so much about the other side of Domestic Violence. The side of those who are helpless, just watching and having no way of stopping that speeding mess.

Thursday Straight Talk (a day early)

Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.

I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.

This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.

I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.

I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.

I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.

I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.

Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.

I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Writing Friday

Writing. Crap. What do I say? Do I sit here and try to explain that, at least for me, writing is something akin to breathing? That there’s never been a time when I didn’t need to put words together? And then I would have to tell you just how it feels to read what I wrote and think that I am not cut out for this. How many people who I know personally who are brilliant at this whole writing gig. Still… I would have to mention that the idea of stopping is actually painful. It has been how I was able to see the answers to life, since before I ever realized that there was a question.

Usually, I try to use the Friday post to give tips, and help with the whole writing and publishing thing. And I think that is great to keep the blog going… But today I was thinking about the reason why I write. Yeah… I could probably claim that I was trying to add beauty. But I don’t generally lie. My art is more how I do beauty. Abstract and pencil drawings to encourage happiness in the eye of the beholder. My children’s books are a way of connecting with my daughter, as they have thus far been stories I told her, or wrote for her. Serena’s stuff is stories that I want to read. But if I am honest with myself… My main writing is my poetry.

My poetry will never be hallmark stuff. My poetry is raw emotion and survival. I have lived a survivors life. My poetry is how I have been able to express myself even when my voice was stolen. I could write my story… Even though I was being told I lied. I could write it and it was accepted because it was poetry. It was written in a way that meant I was non-threatening to those who were part of hurting me. And it was written off as just an angsty teen writing depressing poetry… For don’t we all have that stage?

After I was free, and I was no longer needing verse to speak my truth, well it was still the easiest way to speak my pain. To spread my views. It was habit. I may never be able to sit along with the likes of Poe or Dickenson… But my words will remain. I will be there when another lost soul seeks to know that they are not alone.