life and the curves it takes

well it has been a day of surprises both good and bad. I got a wild hair and decided to check about “Charlie”. He is up for appeals on his charges. anyway the reporter i asked to update me on his status said she might want to do my story. i have mixed feelings on this, it means dragging my laundry out in the air for all to see. yet it also may help others come forward. He is a predator of the first class. Yet it hurts so much… and my mind blocked most of those memories long ago, Do i really want to go there? yet on a lighter note, I got whimsical last night and started a family tree. I asked my cousin to fill a blank i have as far as names and he told me to call his brother. I did and he has research his mother did. he is willing to go through it and share the info with me.

And so life goes
onward,
ever tearing,
ever raging
till at last
naught remains,
naught save anger
at only what might have been.

What was is gone,
and the broken shells
of lost dreams stain
the pristine horizon
of Never again.

ok so it sucks, just random thoughts as i type. well now for recovery and comfort food. maybe a crying jag who knows…*evil grin* hey joe…ok cyall

broken hearts, broken dreams and broken wings~got duck tape?

Just a random thought that ran through my mind. there is so many things i would love to repair in my life and in the lives of others, and i find myself thinking whether repairing things would be actually a good idea. while i can’t imagine innocents suffering I also know pain strengthens us. on that thought i must be the strongest fucking person out there sometimes. yet I feel so weak and helpless most of the time. Joe don’t understand. he tries. He got me self defense classes to help. and usually i play along, but violence even in self defense is so against everything i am. I  am no longer a victim, but i am not about to go against my nature for that. it gives to much to those who hurt me. i am a pacifist, and fighting and adding to the violence only allows them to win. i will survive, but then a smart man once told me ” you would be surprised what you can live through”. Is that all there is for me? survival? By the gods i hope not.