found a 80’s site today. made me nostalgic. for me that is always dangerous. i remember working the summers during the 80’s. i worked on a tobacco farm for an old man who wanted to see what was in the jeans i always wore. i had a friend who worked with me. i wonder where she is now. I had a love affair with hair bands, and at the time i had a figure. i remember running away from home. I hitched from LaPlata Maryland to my cousins place in Alexandria Virginia. I was twelve and had no idea what kind of danger i put myself in. I remember being flattered when the guy who picked me up thought i was nineteen and was flirting with me. I was so unafraid of the world outside. there was nothing there that could be worse than what i lived with. I kind of want back the innocence i had then. I was not as afraid of walking where i needed to go. i carried a butterfly and i knew how to use it. Joe was so frightened for me when i started seeing him, as i was unafraid of going out for a walk at 3am or whenever. I had lived in Alexandria. I was used to walking in an area with a very high crime rate. I am in some ways sorry i let his fears scare me. I know he worries because he cares. but i miss being unafraid to leave home without a reason. i want the stability of a home, but i am a bit of a kin to the westward wind on occasion. i need to stretch and fly. as i said am pondering the past. makes me feel old. I have lived 32 years. i have in those 32 years lived several lifetimes. I have worked on a farm, i am mother to three children. I have survived several bad situations, i have looked down the barrel of a gun and felt no fear. I told him to shoot. not because i wanted to die, but because i want to see death coming. I died once. i drowned and was dead for a full minute before i was revived. I never want to think that death is a bad thing, just a new adventure. yet i am not ready to die, as there is alot of possibilities still here. plus my daughter still needs me. I have seen the U.S.A from the cab of a big rig. I have used a urinal (no other option and pregnancy made me have no choice in this) I have wrote poetry and dreamed impossible dreams, I have done many things that i won’t list here. and i learned i can cook. I make my own bread. this to me was the biggest surprise. and now at 32 i am thinking seriously of going to college and making one of those impossible dreams reality.I am probably out of my mind. and if you read about them locking up some crazy woman who thought she could do life and failed, wellll then you know i didn’t do what i planned. but who knows. if i did all this, why can’t i do school too??
grr I hate Jk Rowling….
dammit she killed another favorite character. Dobby was so fun, why was it needed to kill him off? why not Kreacher? Not through the whole thing yet but had to cuss a bit,
Serves me right for reading ahead, but i can’t sleep without joe here. so was looking for a reason to kill time. should have stuck with the barbara micheals book i am in the middle of. but the plot on that one is slow starting. her books are really good but the plot doesn’t start till four chapters of character development go by. so when i am tired already her books just drag on…. although i severly recommend “Ammie Come Home” by Barbara Micheals. it is an exquisite ghost story. gotta love the good ones.
humor in it’s proper place
An encounter with stupidity
We took angel to the park and there was two women sitting there chatting. And three children obviously in their care. I paid them little mind at first as i was taking pictures of angel playing. We took joe’s lunchbag filled with drinks as it was a hot day. I set the bag in the grass close by us. I looked around and the smallest of the children was digging in our drink bag. I told him “get out of that. It is not yours!” and the mother snapped at me “he is only two he knows no better” I told her that perhaps she should be watching her kids instead of talking to her friend. she told her kid that he did nothing wrong and stormed off calling me names. I went back to playing with my girl, and the lady went to the other play area. apparently the fact that i was not getting mad and leaving the playground bothered her, as after five minutes, she gathered her pissy self and her kids and got in her car. before she pulled off she yelled ” Thanks For ruining our time”. Some people really should be banned from having kids. I mean i can’t see letting angel get into other peoples things, and i sure would not get mad like that at someone who was just telling her no. I could understand if i attacked her kid or something like that, but all i did was tell him NO.
goofy girls and early mornings
well i was up at 830 ok odd for me but i had an appointment at 930 and wanted to be more alert than …huh? lol anyway appointment was delayed till 1045 so i have had time for some housework. girl woke up shortly after i did and came out with hugs and cuddles and I love yous. i so wish joe were here for it. however then it would be daddy getting them instead of me. now she is over on my bed jumping around and just being silly. I am feeling rather upbeat despite the cabin fever. joe is planning on taking me to a movie a month over the next few months if we can get a babysitter. (had to scare the girl, she hid in my blankets lol) yesterday to keep her out of the shrubs at the hospital i told her there were spiders in them. she is afraid of spiders and spiderwebs. she continued to tell me about the spiders and spiderwebs for the rest of our wait. she is very imaginative. it tickles me sometimes to see how smart she is. others it worries me. what if everyone is right and she is alot like i was, then how do i keep her safe? how do i keep the predators away?? ok so i am slightly paranoid. however i learned the hard way that some paranoia is healthy. it is a survival instinct. but i don’t want her to merely survive. I want her to flourish.and to be happy. is that to much to ask??ok enough rambling before the men in the clean white coats come….
a shoot down
as i was feeling down due to my mom’s silence and the fact that my therapist still seems to be refusing to call me with my first appointment, i posted on an “abuse” group looking for someone to tell me i wasn’t alone. there are times when i am sure the only people who would miss me if i disappeared were online. anyway i received a message saying that my post was refused by the moderators because their group was to deal with abuse issues. for me that is an issue that stems from my abuse. and yet it is not good enough…so yet again i fail to make the cut of another’s expectations….then he included suicide hotlines. who said i was suicidal? i just needed to know i count somewhere. i guess that is too much to ask. it’s enough to make me wonder why bother to even try when it comes to some of the online groups how is telling my mental problems to others going to help me or them? I should know better as it only ends with me in tears every time. this is my second Lj as i had to give up the other one because of someone continuously attacking me and making me feel foolish for “whining” about my issues that were bouncing around in my brain and making me wonder if i was sane. so i left off, and i found it was easier to have the journal and have the outlet than to bottle it up. now i wonder if it is worth exposing my self to the headache and heart break.i dunno maybe i am making too big a deal after all.
Final Fantasy XII
ok, i am so bad.joe got mad at the screwed up dvd player earlier. he threw it away. and so for angel he put his ps2 in living room for movie watching…anyway after he went to sleep i started me a game. he wanted to beat it first, but i couldn’t resist. he is flying through the game and having issues with the creatures. i spent 2.5 hours and have barely gotten out of the first area. I want to be well stocked and unafraid when i go to the second place. yeah until the story line goes so far i miss out on some bad ass shit, but for now…..i think i will gain a few more licence points and some more gil and get STOCKED before going any further. it just makes the game easier. plus i don’t mind the mindless and endless fighting you have to do.on a final fantasy game it doesn’t feel right if i can beat it in 10 hours or whatever. i need the massive hours devoted to the game. course that means less me time and less sleep time lol
rain drops and evilness at dawn hours
okay, i know it’s bad but my daughter has a huge fluffy duck that she adores. and last night she left it in my room. toys are NOT allowed in my room and she knows better, however some times it happens and this morning when i got up to get joe off to work, I saw the fluffy duck. i put it in joe’s side of the bed and covered it so that only it’s massive head was showing. when angel came calling daddy i listened to see how she would react to the duck. poor baby got so upset went crying out of the room thinking she had ” lost her daddy”. very cute, but i felt a little bad as she was very upset. i rewarded her with hugs and the movie of the moment…” the little mermaid” and knew i had to share the awwww!
random meanderings of a lost mind
Alot goes through my mind on any given day. today is like any other. I have had a migraine for two days so i am struggling to concentrate on daily activities and other fun torments (such as joe in a kissy mood) although angels been really cute. she sees daddy kiss me and hits him with a stuffed doll. usually the fat baby doll that joe gave me in the hospital the day i had her. i have a wreck of a kitchen awaiting me still because i am a sloppy cook on my best day and a tornado when i feel bad. Joe has the ps2 and ff12 to entertain so i get comp access (when angel’s asleep else no peace while i play) oh damn my train of thought derailed….. oh well on to dishes and icky things like that!
Pattimouse 