Next Time You See Me

The next time you see me
I will have changed,
Even if it is only a day
In between.

The next time you see me
My views of the world
Will have taken me
Down places that I may not
Even be able to explain.

The next time
you see me
Wish me well,
As I will you…
For you can never know
When the next time
You see me will
Be our last.

Originally written to respond to status on Facebook.

Since you see the darkness
that surrounds,
Your eyes are wide.
But in your disdain
You judge…
Not that I think you wrong,
Yet still it seems that
Judgment taints you.

Paints you,
With a brush of hatred formed.
See their actions
And look away,
For sadly you may
Never understand
That which drives them
To hate.

Hide disdain and sneering glares,
For tis themselves
Their hate brings down.
You are better
For not being involved,
For not allowing yourself
To them to devolve.

Discipline

Nary a thought
to organization,
Not one to abide
Micro managing
My time.

As long as I do
Does it matter when?
Or can it be late
When my mind refuses
To quiet at all?
Or early morning
As I watch the dawn?

Discipline in my work
Is not the same as
For another.
For me know that I
am doing.
And it is enough.

The voice of a rose

                    This is the second time I have tried to do this post. My Facebook friends list is filled with writer’s. I did that on purpose. I surrounded myself on social media with writer’s and artists and crafty people, so i no longer felt as alone. This morning, one of the writer’s, Author T L Grey, posed a question. As she posted two pictures with it…one of her (a truly lovely woman) and one of a soft white rose with pink edges….I doubt that she wanted the answer I gave her. The question?  “If a rose could speak,  what would it say?” My response?  “That it was dying and missed it’s bush. The loneliness was unbearable.” Well at first she responded Carpe diem. Then she changed it to read “Why be one of several upon a bush instead of singled out and appreciated in the small space of time in which to bloom? The bush will bloom more flowers but this one particular flower has only a small time in which to shine.” I found this as thought provoking as the original question,  and a bit telling.  So I responded…”While that is true, most do focus on the ways that they are different.  To their own detriment.  The question was what a rose would say. I have always thought it sad that to enjoy a flower we have to kill it. So i hear the sadness of it’s own imminent demise. I hear regret that the rose did not appreciate the beauty of being a part of the bush until the bush was no longer there.  Thus I hear loneliness.”
                       Now understand please that I do realize the fact that my response was slightly morbid. However her question wasn’t what we hear from the rose’s unique beauty. It wasn’t what does the rose symbolize.  So I spoke what I feel any living thing would feel as they die. Death is usually a morbid topic.
                    As to her statement about being just another on the bush? Well have you ever seen a rose bush up close?  No two roses are exactly alike.  So it is a riotous community of individuality. I lived in a place once with three bushes. They were amazing. I admit the question and resulting conversation was an inspiration for me. So i did what my weird little poetic heart does. I did another poem for my latest volume.  And because I can,  I am sharing it with you…..

The voice of a rose

The voice of the rose
Depends on the ear
That hears and it’s
point of view.

The choice of a
Listening heart,
As to hear such
As sadness, 
Adventure or
romantic speech.

None less valid,
Each in their own
Way right.

For why can
The voice of the rose
Not be as complex
as the Heart of man.

*her rose*

image

*I found this one on Google. *

image

Borderline

The razor’s edge
Splitting me in two.
Moments of clarity,
Only one or two.
Twisted within
my sanity…
Trying to piece
Together the mind
That sleep left behind.

Every minute
that passes
Eternity in need,
Seeking a restful deed.

No cause for concern, 
Even as the clock hands
Twist and swirl,
Naught left to do
On this tilt a whirl.

Sweet sandman return
To refresh my brain,
So i can be just
Myself again!

Life Drops

As life drops down
A cheek profound,
I can’t help this longing.
I am sinking,
Writing songs not to be
Sung or even passed along.

Closing my eyes
To hide a pain
Deep down
Alone again.

Sleep to faint
A distant dream,
Silence fades
As noise fills the head,
Noise that shows
I’m not dead.

Insomnia demons and insisting muses.

                         Okay,  i am often treated to bouts of insomnia.  The reasons vary. Often it is just not being able to quiet my busy mind. Last night was the first time in over a month. I am up to thirty three poems out of the seventy I do in each volume for Life drops. I will likely share later one from that. I spent some time writing on the d20 game world that I have created. Lots of details still to do on that one. Managed about two fifty on my steampunk story, and another hundred and fifty on my drow novel. Didn’t get to the others. Helped my sister’s faeries do some for their Facebook page. Shared what i found worthwhile to my author page,  to my shop page,  and to my personal page. Still felt like I should have gotten more done.  Didn’t get my crafts done yesterday.  Still my mind isn’t slowing.  Have cut way back on caffeine.  Limiting myself to two cups of coffee a week and pretty much no pop. Heck even my tea is mostly herbal anymore.  Still there are days when i can’t sleep.  I’m about to try again for st least a short nap.  So until I return…. may you sleep well and have only sweet dreams.

Flowers in bloom, head goes boom

just an fyi….sinus season means lots of headaches. lots of me getting less done.  So I am fighting through it. I have mom details to see to. My sister and I are doing a cookbook project for her Faerie Marigold. I finally figured out the title for my sci-fi story. It will be called In the shadow of Kailaras. and managed yesterday to add a couple of hundred words to it. I managed to do a lot yesterday but feeling like caca means less today. as the sun goes down maybe i will be in less pain and be able to push through it.

beyond focus chapter one

//Chapter 1 – Entrance to the Realms//

 

                The entrance to the faery realm was a beautiful thing. Almost a lost garden, so very nearly overgrown. Vines full of color winding everywhere, tangling through a variety of colored blossoms everywhere within sight. So few eyes ever saw the entrance. It’s said only those with fae blood could. I could see it. Yet to my knowledge, I have not even a drop of fae lineage. Or so i thought. This was going to be an adventure that I  would never forget. One that I was honestly unaware of the consequences of at the time.
                  As a photographer, It was my job to find the beautiful in everything. I was quite good at it, though admittedly was growing tired of the scenes I was required to shoot. Too many forced smiles and not enough natural beauty. I was actually quite lost. I had been on my way to work a wedding. A wedding I wanted nothing of. Another June wedding with a couple who I felt would not make their first anniversary. My cynicism was a tangible thing then. Although after finding the entrance, all obligations and responsibility flew from my mind.
                  The arch looked like it was only held together by strands of ivy and clumps of moss. The stepping stones, though nearly covered by wild grasses and flowers, looked to be vast and many. Yet when i counted there were only nine. I counted three times to be sure. The trees behind the arch looked so exotic, so colorful. I couldn’t even begin to identify all the varieties that were growing there. Yet when i tried to take pictures, none of that came through. The pictures when I reviewed them were missing the exotic, missing the pop of color.
                    The pictures didn’t show the purple, red, and yellow flowers surrounding the stepping stones. Nor did it show the small creatures flying around in front of the arch. The creatures weren’t birds or insects. What they were I still am unsure, they were a small rainbow of color. I snapped pictures hoping to identify them that way. None were caught by the camera at all. I wouldn’t know all that until much  later. I wouldn’t see the absence until the adventure was long over, and I was so very much older. All I knew then was a feeling of serenity. A feeling as though I had come home.
It seemed as though the pictures I could see were never-ending. More beauty lay before my eyes than even now i could describe. Stone steps leading to the left and a lake to the right. Nearly crumbling and ancient the steps drew me far more than the soft blue of the lake. It sparkled with mystery and magic. Somehow the choice never bothered me. I took pictures of the lake, quickly. For I knew that wasn’t the path I was meant to follow. Then with a slight bit of reverence, I climbed the archaic and crumbling stairs. I suppose I should have been more careful, more afraid. However though the steps were near to falling apart, I somehow never questioned whether they would hold me. I was nearly afraid of the wonder I felt. Perhaps I should have been more frightened. Less awed. These are questions it is too late to ask.
                   She was awaiting my arrival in a simple wooden structure at the top of the steps. Long ebony hair swirling down well past her feet. It was nicely braided and seemed to have a life all it’s own. Translucent wings fluttering far too fast for the eye to see. Wearing a long flowing gown that matched her eyes. At first glance, it really was only her eyes I saw. A rich forest green in color, and full of mirth. Truly I felt her the most beautiful being I had yet seen. In retrospective, I remember everything about her. The porcelain perfection of her skin, the fact that she was so lean and tall. The shimmer of her gown that clung to her curves and puddled about her slender feet. The smile that bloomed from within her and seemed to produce a glow around her.
                  “Welcome daughter!” Her melodious voice surrounded me. “Daughter? I don’t think I am your child?” I stammered in surprise. She laughed in a musical tone.  “Daughter is merely an acknowledgment of blood ties, nothing more.” I think I was too shocked to think at that moment. Her presence was overwhelming. She smiled in a maternal way… “Don’t fret child, soon all will be clear.”
                     She walked off as if she expected me to follow, and truthfully it never occurred to me not to. I almost felt like I was in a trance. Maybe I was. I still saw the beauty around me. However I no longer felt the urge to take pictures of it. All my focus was on her.  Somehow I was disinclined to point the camera at her, even though she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. She almost seemed to be gliding. Though her wings never moved. The air was almost alive. I felt more  alive then than  I ever had.
              I, to tell the truth, am not sure how much time passed as I followed her. I am not even sure that time was passing at all. When I got lost I was twenty and though I spent what seemed an eternity in the Fae lands…I have not aged even a day. To the outside world, only a year passed while I was gone. To me however, I think I lived another fifty.

              She led me through a very beautiful land, and though I felt eyes upon me, there was no sign of what I would have considered civilization. The few buildings I saw were ruins. Old stone and wood, dilapidated and gorgeous. Overgrown with red, yellow and green mosses and ivy, with the occasional streak of brown and gray. Though I felt myself being watched the only person I saw was her. I had always assumed those who claimed love at first sight were hopeless romantics. Still at that moment, I was sure I was in love. Now, well now I think it may have been a minor obsession.
         She led me past a golden river and one of silver too. I was amazed at the differences. I was bursting with questions that I somehow knew would be answered in time. I saw fruit of many shapes and colors hanging low on trees that glowed and moved in a nonexistent breeze. Some of those fruits were shapes I had not seen before. I heard the song of so many birds softly as I went by. Heard and recognized the many tones but really didn’t see them as I passed. All of this was sweetly captured by my mind, for later consideration.
                             There were also dark places that we passed, places drenched in unreasonable fear. Shadows that seemed to drink the light. Cold that I felt even from a distance. Those too, my mind saved. As places not to go again. For even in the Fae realms there must be balance, light and dark. I would find this out in time. For though I was following a creature of light and beauty, before I would be done with the realm of faery, I would encounter my worst nightmare and my darkest fear. I would also learn how to overcome them both.
                            She led me over so much terrain. The path though paved seemed to wind over so many differing types of terrain it was difficult to keep it all in context. How much I wanted to stop and look at everything. I was fascinated by even the smallest of plants and lovely little forest creatures that crossed our paths. However, as my guide didn’t seem willing to stop…I hurried along behind. I only hoped that I would be able to explore more thoroughly after whatever she was leading me to. To be perfectly honest I don’t even know how long I followed her.
                         As I was starting to tire a crystalline building came into view. It was all the colors of the rainbow made into a stone structure. I wouldn’t describe it as a castle, as the structure had too chaotic a shape for any description such as that. It was larger than any building I had yet known. It had points of crystal going out in all directions, reminding me so much of one of those sea urchins. Although on a much grander scale. Although I had always thought of crystal as cold, this place was a permeating warmness that one couldn’t help but feel.
                 I stopped, awestruck and frozen in place. She turned and smiled. She came over to me and gently took my hand. “Daughter, Come along” she chimed. Somehow the sound of her voice calmed the sudden awe and fear I was feeling. I was again at peace and ready to face the sight in front of me. The light was refracting perfectly of the crystal structure.
                       She led me in through a doorway that until we were right on top of it blended seamlessly into the wall. I wouldn’t have found it on my own. To me it seemed as though the inside was so much larger than the outside, which was enormous. I kept close to her for fear of getting lost within this gorgeous place. Though I so wanted once I heard what she would tell me to go rambling through its enormity. She led me into a warm and brightly lit room. The room easily could have held my two bedroom apartment with lots of space to spare. There was no furniture, only large soft cushions strewn about. The cushions were single color, but all the colors were there. There were enough cushions for over a hundred people to be comfortably seated. They were spaced close enough together to be able to pass things to each other, however they were far enough apart to not feel claustrophobic.
                She settled on one of those cushions, a rich purple one, as though it was the most natural place in the world for her. She waited patiently until I too had settled onto a midnight blue cushion beside her. “Now that we are comfortable” she started with a smile, “You are descended from a Fae or you would not have entered our realms else. Now what answers do you seek? I, Titania, will gladly try to assist in your search. Although daughter, First can you please tell me your name?” Stunned, for a moment I couldn’t remember it. How do you forget your own name? Yet, there I stood drawing a blank.
                Taking a deep breath, as my memory returned, I tried to keep from blurting it rudely. “Hello your ladyship, My name is Catelyn Fitzsimmon. As far as I know, there is no Faeries in my ancestry, however I am not inclined to argue that point. Are you truly the Queen Titania of the Fae?” Her face took an amused twist as I spoke my introduction. “Ah Yes, I am Titania. I believe you are the great granddaughter of my daughter. She who chose to leave us out of fear. I have watched her family on occasion. Out of concern or curiosity take your pick. It has been about thirty years since last I peered into the mortal realms. So you must be so young yet.”

                    “By those standards, I guess I am young…I am a month from my twenty first birthday. I barely knew my Grandmother, so I really can’t say I knew those before her.”

Discipline and creativity

I am struggling to finish what i start. I keep finding new ideas….which is awesome. Then I have none that are getting finished because there is me working on new stuff. So i have been making myself work on all of my projects that are in progress. trying to build discipline and actually finish one. If i finish all of these then I will be a hugely published chick…lol.  I am afraid I am led by my creativity too often. I avoid the writing prompts so as not to add to the growing list of W.I.P.’s  but I still end up with a story idea now and then that smacks me. The newest one came from a discussion with another writer about how I hate to title my stories.  She sent me to a random generator for titles. (Thank you) However instead of helping me to title what I already have, It gave me a new avenue to explore. I ended up doing research (yes i have a scary search history….I am a writer. I must explore the random crap that pops into my head.) And writing the first hundred or so words on the story. The only thing I am sure on with that story so far is the Title…

so far my titles for my Wip’s are:

Journeys (A story about a lost individual fighting to survive…with amnesia and while injured)

Elizabeth ( A story about a noblewoman and her ancestors mostly told in journal  format)

Last Forever ( a love story about a young girl raising her siblings and struggling to find her way in life)

The Incubus and Ysobel ( a half demon hunting her father and finding herself along the way) * btw this is the new one.

Jhai’s Tale ( a drow assassin and a kobold thief form a unlikely partnership while trying to avoid the temple of Lloth and find her siblings.)

Beyond Focus ( a young girl of fae decent finds herself in the land of the fae and has to adjust to the change that happens in her)

Broken Wastelands ( a post apocalyptic steampunk tale of a girl and her mutant)

Builder’s University ( a scifi story about creatures that eat intellegence…and the university they hide in. And the student who is out to stop them)

 

And I will eventually do one more (at least) children’s story in the bedtime tales line. (that line are stories I told my daughter and she asked me to write them and publish…)

That story will be Bedtime tales: The princess lost

I have trouble titling my poetry as well, so often in my poetry volumes I list them only by the first line. What about you? Is it hard to title your stories or poems? And what is your inspirations?