Category: coping mechanisms

Productivity is subjective.

I am fighting a mad right now. I admit it.

Perhaps it is time to step back and look at things from a different point of view.

Boyfriend sneered that he was the only one to do anything productive today.

From his point of view I am sure that is true. After all…He does not read. Everything I did today was to further the amount of books in the world. Either that or scheduling the week here on my blog.

Neither thing is exactly physical for him.

Publishing does not make me a huge paycheck.

What it does do is make me feel better about the world.

The world without books is a very dark place. So many wonderful books end up not getting a chance because the author does not know how to be heard. I am trying to help those authors.

However I suppose if you do not like books then it looks like I am locking myself in my room every Sunday. I am being antisocial and just playing on my computer.

Doing stuff that he does not understand and is not a part of.

While he made up homemade chicken nuggets. (He really is a wonderful cook.)

Usually I at least keep him company while he cooks. Still, He does know that Sunday is my day that I have set aside to do blog, and book stuff. I fight to keep it that way. If I don’t then I would never have anytime allowed. He would expect me to be available all the time. Which is not fair. To me, or to what I want to get done.

So I am mad. I am frustrated. And I feel like I should do more work because I am mad. (I was supposed to join the family game when I got my work done. But now I don’t think it is such a good idea.) However if I do too much at once I court burn out. And I risk mistakes because I am working mad.

So I am sitting here bored. Because spite is a thing too. I did more work than I had slated for today. My arm hurts. I am exhausted. And I just wish I had a way to explain to him that my work is productive too.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Welcome to the city of lies
Where everything’s got a price
It’s gonna be in your favorite place
You can be a movie star
And get everything you want
Just put some plastic on your face
This place is a circus, you just see the surface
They cover shit under the rug
You can’t see they’re faking, they’ll never be naked
Just fill your drink with tonic gin, this is the American dream, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know
Keep drinking and acting cool
Don’t care if your day is blue
Nobody loves a gloomy face, just
Take your pills and dance all night
Don’t think at all, that’s the advice
So c’mon, let’s try, it’s just a taste
This place is a circus, you just see the surface
They cover shit under the rug
You can’t see they’re faking, they’ll never be naked
Just fill your drink with tonic gin, this is the American dream, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know
So sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know

My 2 Cents –

Gossip is a drug to some. A festering need. It is never truth. It doesn’t fulfill any actual place in society. If you hear anything about me – ask me. I will always tell you what the truth is… you might be surprised at the little amount of truth gossip holds.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

If I could build a fire and burn down my life
That would be the one thing I got right
‘Cause I’m haunted by a shadow that I can’t escape
See it in the mirror right behind my face
I could build a fire and burn down my life
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna ghost myself
Think I’ll take my heart and throw it off a cliff
Yeah I got a feeling that it won’t be missed
Let my body and my mind disintegrate
I don’t want you to see me this way
Think I’ll take my heart and throw it off a cliff
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
If I could do it all over
I’d do it right
Cut loose all of the innocence
If I could do it all over
I’d do it right
Kill the stereotype
And start it all again
Think I’ll take your heart and throw it off a cliff
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna ghost myself

My 2 Cents –

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has regrets. Going back to redo your life…as good as it sounds… you can’t have the good you have without the bad you went through. But there are days. So, On those days… Let us Rock.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I, I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments, that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, ’cause
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Yeah
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you’re gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Yeah, yeah
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep your faith, keep your faith
Whoa

My 2 Cents –

The last two weeks have been dark songs… so I purposely went to look at the most uplifting thing I could think of. Not sure if it was just something that I was needing or just a little bit of a boost because I could. Either way… don’t give up. You matter more than you know.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

They cry in the dark
So you can’t see their tears
They hide in the light
So you can’t see their fears
Forgive and forget
All the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child

Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh

It’s all so confusing this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes and then apologize
Be daddy’s good girl, and don’t tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you’ll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell from the swing

Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh

No, hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell is for children
Hell is for children

My 2 Cents –

Was struggling to find a song for the week and this came across my dash. It’s unfortunate… But I feel this. Childhood should not be something you have to heal from…but for many of us it is.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Well the key to my survival
Was never in much doubt
The question was, how I could keep sane
Trying to find a way out?
Things were never easy for me
Peace of mind was hard to find
And I needed a place where I could hide
Somewhere I could call mine
I didn’t think much about it
‘Til it started happening all the time
Soon I was living with the fear everyday
Of what might happen that night
I couldn’t stand to hear the crying
Of my mother, and I remember when
I swore that that would be the last they’d see of me
And I never went home again
They say that time is a healer
And now my wounds are not the same
I rang the bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he’d say
He sat me down to talk to me
He looked me straight in the eyes
He said
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
“You walked out, you left us behind”
“And you’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Oh, his words how they hurt me, I’ll never forget it
And as the time, it went by, I lived to regret it
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
But where should I go and what should I do?
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
But I came here for help, oh I came here for you
Well the years they passed so slowly
I thought about him everyday
What would I do, if we passed on the street
Would I keep running away?
In and out of hiding places
Soon I’d have to face the facts
We’d have to sit down and talk it over
And that would mean going back
They say that time is a healer
And now my wounds are not the same
But I rang that bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he’d say
He sat me down to talk to me
He looked me straight in the eyes
He said
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
“You’re no son, no son of mine”
“When you walked out, you left us behind”
“And you’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Oh, his words how they hurt me
I’ll never forget it
And as the time, it went by
I lived to regret it
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
But where should I go and what should I do?
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Well I came here for help, oh I was looking for you
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine oh”
“You’re no son” ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
You’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
(Oh, oh) You’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
You’re no son (oh, oh), you’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
You’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

My 2 Cents –

This is a song that caught my attention in high school. It sparked my empathy then, and really still does. Not all survivors of abuse are the same, but we all know what it feels like…

Wild Wednesday

I believe it is time to order a new keyboard. I am hard on mine. Mostly due to gaming, but I do a lot of typing as well.
The only requirement I have for my keyboard is it has to be backlit…and it has to have the number pad.

This is the one I settled on. I hope it is more sturdy.

Wild Wednesday

What is in a title?

What makes a good title? and is it subjective? My daughter and friend both think I can do better for my coloring book than the title I had chosen. I am still struggling with the amount of work that goes into what will be listed as a low content item. I am struggling with the coloring book altogether if I am honest.

I love the cover I made for it. But I don’t like how the scanned art has a off shade to it that will print funny. Or just the way that putting the book together for this is. I suppose I am finding fault with the whole project. I am a perfectionist and there is nothing perfect about this project.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics

The only days that I’m not stressed
Are days I work myself to death
And I’m too tired to feel anything else

Even then, I’m restless in my sleep
My worries bleed into my dreams and I
Wake up and do it all again

Maybe it’s the way I was raised
Or how I’m wired in my brain but
I never seem to be
Enough for me

Is it normal
The way I can’t help second guessing
Is it normal
Wishing I could put my thoughts to bed
And be in the moment
For just a moment
Cuz it feels like I’m always somewhere else instead
Is it normal
How I get stuck in my head

I bite my lip and twist my hair
Scroll through my phone or sit and stare at nothing
Trying to chase my train of thought

Tell everybody that I’m doing okay
Make it look good and hope that one of these days
It won’t be a lie

Is it normal
The way I can’t help second guessing
Is it normal
Wishing I could put my thoughts to bed
And be in the moment
For just a moment
Cuz it feels like I’m always somewhere else instead
Is it normal
How I get stuck in my head

Ahh, yeah yeah
Ahh, yeah
Ahh, yeah yeah
Stuck in my, stuck in my
Ahh, yeah yeah
Ahh, yeah
Ahh, yeah yeah
Stuck in my, stuck in my

Is it normal
The way I can’t help second guessing
Is it normal
Wishing I could put my thoughts to bed
And be in the moment
For just a moment
Cuz it feels like I’m always somewhere else instead
Is it normal
How I get stuck in my head

My 2 Cents –

I heard this on tiktok…and related so much. Sometimes music is just knowing someone else feels the same.

Wild Wednesday

Mental Health is a tricky thing.

I have this year struggled to find a therapist. I wish I could say it is all my doing that is causing this disconnect. At least then I could point the finger and go…This is what I need to fix. I wish I could just heal my mind and never need therapy again. (I literally just had a therapist accuse me of wanting to be broken because it was all I have ever known. I can’t even explain to her what damage she added to me.)

Some days are better than others.

Some days I fight and find myself actually happy. I enjoy the moments that life gives me…I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy the moments where I do something and it feels like I am doing it right.

The problem is those moments are not as often as I need them to be.

The other problem is I don’t have the people I need to share those moments with.

I have friends. I have family. I just don’t want to bother them. So I am lonely. In the fishbowl of the internet.

Today…

Perhaps I am a little more willing to show the vulnerability, and say that having mental health issues sucks.