I have this year struggled to find a therapist. I wish I could say it is all my doing that is causing this disconnect. At least then I could point the finger and go…This is what I need to fix. I wish I could just heal my mind and never need therapy again. (I literally just had a therapist accuse me of wanting to be broken because it was all I have ever known. I can’t even explain to her what damage she added to me.)
Some days are better than others.
Some days I fight and find myself actually happy. I enjoy the moments that life gives me…I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy the moments where I do something and it feels like I am doing it right.
The problem is those moments are not as often as I need them to be.
The other problem is I don’t have the people I need to share those moments with.
I have friends. I have family. I just don’t want to bother them. So I am lonely. In the fishbowl of the internet.
Today…
Perhaps I am a little more willing to show the vulnerability, and say that having mental health issues sucks.
[Intro] (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra) (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra) Feelin’ like a psychofreak-freak-freak (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra) (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra)
[Chorus] Feelin’ like a psychofreak sometimes Tryna get connected, no Wi-Fi Tell me that you love me, are you lying? Give me lemonade, I’ll give you limes House in the hills is a house of cards Blink and the fairytale falls apart Sorry, didn’t mean to get so dark Maybe I’m an alien, Earth is hard
[Verse 1] Sometimes, I don’t trust the way I feel On my Instagram talkin’ ’bout “I’m healed” Worryin’ if I got sex appeal Hopin’ that I don’t drive off this hill When we’re makin’ lovе, I wanna be there And I wanna feel you pullin’ my hair And bеlieve the words you say in my ear Gotta go outside, I need some air
[Pre-Chorus] I want to, want to, want to touch you Want to touch you, but my fingertips are numb I want to, want to, want to love you Want to love you, but my chest is tightenin’ up I want to, want to, want to feel like I can chill Not have to leave this restaurant Wish I could be like everyone But I’m not like anyone
[Chorus] Feelin’ like a psychofreak sometimes Tryna get connected, no Wi-Fi Tell me that you love me, are you lying? Give me lemonade, I’ll give you limes House in the hills is a house of cards Blink and the fairytale falls apart Sorry, didn’t mean to get so dark Maybe I’m an alien, Earth is hard
[Verse 2] Sorry, couldn’t focus on the movie Everybody says they miss the old me I been on this ride since I was fifteen I don’t blame the girls for how it went down, down Thinkin’ out loud In the bathroom while my friends laugh on the couch Wow, moment’s gone now Know you wanna stay, but I think I gotta leave right now
[Pre-Chorus] I want to, want to, want to touch you Want to touch you, but my fingertips are numb I want to, want to, want to love you Want to love you, but my chest is tightenin’ up I want to, want to, want to feel like I can chill Not have to leave this restaurant Wish I could be like everyone (Wish I could be) But I’m not like anyone
[Chorus] Feelin’ like a psychofreak sometimes Tryna get connected, no Wi-Fi Tell me that you love me, are you lying? Give me lemonade, I’ll give you limes House in the hills is a house of cards Blink and the fairytale falls apart Sorry, didn’t mean to get so dark Maybe I’m an alien, Earth is-
[Post-Chorus] Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra Feelin’ like a psychofreak Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra
My 2 Cents –
There is a lot of days where I feel alone, and like no one understands me. This song makes me feel less so…
Send your kisses my way Bring your sweet heart to me I’ve been waiting for so long Tell me all your stories Leave some open for me Write your name into this song I walk through the fire Run through the rain I’ll wait for forever If love is your name Catch your wind from heaven Send them while you’re sleeping Wake me with the morning sun I’ll dream of you until you come I walk through the fire Run through the rain I’ll wait for forever If love is your name Valentines keep knocking My heart keeps on walking Darling I’ll hold on for you For You, for you I’ll walk through the fire I’ll run through the rain I’ll wait for forever If love is your name If love is your name If love is your name
My 2 Cents –
So, last week I shared Dolly doing a Rock song. It brought up a conversation with a friend about how genre limits were not really a thing anymore because Steven Tyler did country and Dolly was doing Rock. My view has always been that limiting your mind based on genre is not a good idea. Why should we limit ourselves and the enjoyment that music brings? I do enjoy this song as well. Steven Tyler has been an amazing voice through most of my life.(My childhood was limited to country music as my mom did not like rock. I was a teenager before I got to hear anything but country or bluegrass music)
Liar, liar the world’s on fire Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down? Fire, fire burning higher Still got time to turn it all around
Now I ain’t one for speaking out much But that don’t mean I don’t stay in touch Everybody’s trippin’ over this or that What we gonna do when we all fall flat?
Liar, liar the world’s on fire What we gonna do when it all burns down?
I don’t know what to think about us When did we lose in God we trust God Almighty, what we gonna do If God ain’t listenin’ and we’re deaf too
Liar, liar the world’s on fire Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down? Fire, fire burning higher Still got time to turn it all around
Don’t get me started on politics Now how are we to live in a world like this Greedy politicians, present and past They wouldn’t know the truth if it bit ’em in the ass
Now tell me what is truth? (Whatcha gonna do?) Have we all lost sight (Whatcha gonna do?) Of common decency? (Whatcha gonna do?) Of the wrong and right?
How do we heal this great divide? Do we care enough to try? Liar, liar the world’s on fire What we gonna do when it all burns down?
Billy got a gun, Joey got a knife Janey got a sign to carry in the fight Marching in the streets with sticks and stones Don’t you ever believe words don’t break bones
Oh, can we rise above? Can’t we show some love? Do we just give up Or make a change? We know all too well We’ve all been through hell Time to break the spell In Heaven’s name
Liar, liar the world’s on fire Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down? Fire, fire burning higher Still got time to turn it all around
Liar, liar the world’s on fire Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down? Fire, fire burning higher Still got time to turn it all around
Show some love (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Still got time to turn it all around) Let’s rise above (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down?) Let’s make a stand (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down?) Let’s lend a hand (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Still got time to turn it all around) Let’s heal the hurt (liar, Liar, the world’s on fire) (Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down?) Let kindness work (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down?) Let’s be a friend (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down?) Let hatred end (liar, liar, the world’s on fire) (Whatcha gonna do)
Liar, liar, the world’s on fire Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down? Liar, liar, the world’s on fire Whatcha gonna do when it all burns down?
My 2 Cents –
Okay…Wow. I have always loved Dolly. She is such a powerful singer and she always chooses lyrics that are worth hearing. But I am just blown away by this one all around.
I saw somebody leap to the other world Jumping off the edge left behind his hope But he could fly for a second incredible I wonder what it was like when he finally fell
They say you hit the water and then it’s gone All the tears you cried all the pain you felt But is it worth all the hurt that you’ve probably caused When they find that you don’t make it back to shore
To be honest Sometimes I think about all of the same things I wish I could go back so I could change all of my memories ‘Cause all of them are sad All the drinks I had Turned into a pool of misery I wonder if I’m better drowning
I tell myself No no no no no no no no No I try to tell myself No no no no no no no no No
They celebrate the life that they never knew Can’t point out the elephant in the room Most people can’t understand what you’re going through So in the end does it matter the path you choose?
To be honest Sometimes I feel like I’m feeling the same things I wish there was a way that I could tell this to my family But they’d only be sad Maybe I don’t have Any point in being here It’s so unclear if I’m swimming or sinking
I tell myself No no no no no no no no No I try to tell myself No no no no no no no no No
I’ll turn my headlights on Speeding ‘cross the bridge No it won’t be long But I got to be strong
And I tell myself No no no no no no no no I gotta tell myself No no no no no no no no
And I tell myself No no no no no no no no I gotta tell myself No no no no no no no no
In the woods I met a man Old as oak and staff in hand Sunken eyes but gentle smile We sat down and talked awhile
And he said I can see it in your eyes You’ve been hurt a couple times I’ve got the perfect antidote To cure a heart of stone
Tiny red pills in a big blue bottle He put them right in my hands Said this stuff can do wonders take you to nirvana Make you a better man
I should’ve known something was amiss When I saw his smile turn to a grin But Then as he left me There so perplexed He turned and said
One to numb the hurt Two to ease the pain Three to clear your mind Forget all the hate Take as I advised Not more than prescribed Several weeks ahead You’ll be fine again
One to numb the hurt Two to ease the pain Three to clear your mind Forget all the hate Take as I advised Not more than prescribed Several weeks ahead You’ll be fine again
So I went home My heart confused Didn’t know just what to do I popped the cap And took a dose After all what could I lose
And then I touched the clouds and bathed in sky A magic broom a carpet ride Before I fell and woke in bed Tried to repeat the words he said
One to numb the hurt Two to ease the pain Three to clear my mind Forget all my hate What did he say next I forget the rest But several weeks ahead I’ll be fine again
One to numb the hurt Two to ease the pain Three to clear my mind Forget all my hate Five could never hurt Just to calm my nerves Several weeks ahead I’ll be fine again
Tiny red pills in a big blue bottle Wish I had the strength back then Need to get a refill chase away the evil All the whispers in my head
But I can’t find the man I knocked on his door His neighbors say no one lived there before So now all my days Just blur in a haze They go like this
One to stop the chills Two to ease the pain Three to wash my guilt Forget all my shame Five could never hurt Six couldn’t be worse Seven days it’s been Here we go again
One to stop the chills Two to ease the pain Three to wash my guilt Forget all my shame Five could never hurt Six couldn’t be worse Seven days it’s been Here we go again
Here we go again Here we go again Oh
To stop the pain Forget my shame Ah
One Two Three Four Five Six
My 2 Cents –
This has a fun feel but it talks about addiction. I feel like that is ofttimes how addiction is…it seems fun on the outside, but It is not near as fun inside.
Okay…I have been thinking of the options for Wednesday.
I have had a few suggestions for what I could do…
And I have a few Ideas…but I am still on the fence because it feels like I am setting myself up for extra work…
I love the idea of doing some of the random things on the blog…but I am overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have as is.
I will keep Wednesday for the random stuff that pops in my brain.
I just don’t guarantee that I will do it every week.
If I do a video Book club discussion on Fae Corps Publishing’s YouTube Channel once a Month would anyone be interested? It is another thing I am being pushed to do that I am not sure if I should.
The current suggestions for Wednesday is to do a discussion on other people’s poetry…or a book club… or go back to the Webcomics… thing….or basically do a journal day(not really sure that is a great idea)…
Well…I started wild Wednesday so I was not limited on topic…to get some leeway for me to do blogging about… and I am finding out that though I have an open day for discussion…. I have no idea what to say.
Part of the reason why is because I don’t know what I have that anyone wants to hear. My poetry and my art are unique. So I feel like they are things that are interesting. Everything else is stuff you can find in other places online. Why would anyone be interested in my view on the normal?
This is a sincere question for me. I love doing the blog but I am struggling with the everyday thing. I am seriously considering dropping Wednesday unless I have some reason to post.
The voices in my head keep on telling me to pray ‘Cause I’m spinning like a carousel, circling the drain Hit the bottom of the bottle, I don’t wanna feel the pain But that is all I got for now, I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep on begging me to stay If I pull the trigger now then the demons go away And I know my time is coming so there ain’t no time to waste So that is all I got for now, I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep telling me to choose a side It’s heaven or hell like it’s do or die I’m a sad boy, you know better Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m not okay It’s feeling like a hurricane in my brain Dark clouds, hard times, bad weather Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die) And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized) They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie) I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep giving me the worst advice Kamikaze crash like a suicide I’m a lost boy, you know better Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m insane And maybe I’m a little bit, that won’t change Dark clouds, hard times, bad weather Please don’t make this last forever The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die) And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized) They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie) I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about The voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse We’re all gonna die but first things first I’m a take the world with me when they put me in the dirt The voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse We’re all gonna die but first things first I’m a take the world with me when they put me in the dirt Move (Move) Voices in my head keep telling me I’m cursed I’m paranoid, I don’t wanna make it any worse We’re all gonna die, first things first I’m a take the world with me when they put me in the dirt The voices in my head keep telling me I’m gonna (die) And I don’t wanna talk about the drama, I’m trauma (tized) They’re tellin’ me I’m fine but we both know that’s a fuckin’ (lie) I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it The voices in my head keep on telling me to pray ‘Cause I’m spinning like a carousel, circling the drain Hit the bottom of the bottle, I don’t wanna feel the pain I’m losing my mind but I don’t wanna talk about it
My 2 Cents –
So close…April has been a wild ride Y’all. I feel like being this busy is enough to drive anyone insane.
Pattimouse 