This year the holidays stunk. Yeah I said it. It is so taboo to be miserable during December, because you feel like you are weighing everyone else down. Or you feel just freaking ungrateful.
I know that I am not alone in this. This year has weighed hard on so many. No ability to do big gatherings, or family meals, or the other traditional trappings of the holidays. So much of this year has been death and illness. And for me family distancing.
The holiday was just lacking. So I was playing video games with my youngest, and scrolling down Facebook occasionally when something caught my eye. Serena has her own Facebook. Well someone, another author, had told me that Serena’s Rust, Gore, and the Junkyard Zombie was on his Christmas wishlist. He tagged Serena in the comments of his gifts… He got it.
Seeing that tag just made me smile. It made my whole holiday better. Just knowing that book was wanted.
So till this year is gone, enjoy the little things. Don’t let it fall apart because the big things are missing. Enjoy what you can. I hope that each of you find a little thing that brings joy this season.
Tools, something that are different depending upon the user. Each person may have different skills depending upon the tools that they have at hand.
For an example, I am capable of sewing by hand. I have been taught this skill in childhood. My mom, my grandmothers, my other female role models… They all sewed. In various levels of skill. My mom still makes the most beautiful quilts. However, though I have the ability to sew by hand… It is slow. I have arthritis in my hands. This makes it take longer. I am not as neat as I am with a machine.
This is something that was brought up lately. Someone told me that my digital art has improved. I am sure that it has… After all I have better tools. I have a decent laptop. I have good art programs (Gimp & Krita are my two current favorites). I even have a good mousepad that I recieved for Christmas. (An elephant with headphones on. It is an ergonomic one that helps with my arthritis).
If someone is struggling with their art, or their writing, or any part of their life and you want to assist… Ask them what tool they are missing. Sometimes it is something small such as someone to bounce ideas off of.
I don’t often post pictures of my daughter or myself, not on here. Today it seems important. I got a call this morning, while making breakfast and listening to her laughter as her and her dad were picking at each other.
I took her to the doctor yesterday. She is asthmatic, and her left lung has been hurting for a couple of days. She also had other concerns and needed shots. So the doc sent her for a chest X-ray.
That call was the nurse from the Doctor’s office. The X-ray came back as she has pneumonia. They want a covid test. And my heart dropped into my stomach. Since the pandemic hit we have been very careful. We don’t go anywhere, at least nowhere unnecessary. We are both asthmatic and her dad has emphysema. The whole lot of us are high risk.
So I am scared. I have a 16 year old stubborn girl who is going to need to rest… and like her mama, she is not inclined towards rest often. She is a busy bee with multiple things that she is wanting to do at any given moment.
We are just about to go out to get her covid test… and I am worried.
So I am probably not going to be posting this week due to this. I will be back next week, and I am going to try to be more active. thank you for understanding.
I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.
That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.
Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.
I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.
Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.
That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.
I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.
You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.
Before I do this… I apologize for the late posts the last couple of days… I have been helping a friend and I have been late getting home. Usually I will do the posts while out if need be, but I was the driver this time. Stretches my ability to get things done.
Lyrics – Crawl out of the hole you’re in Who you are is not who you’ve been Now’s the time to sink or swim Will you fight the tide or get lost within And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul Iron bars are hell to break Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake? Your whole life in a blank stare haze You walk around like the end of days And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul I’m callin’ out to you Can you hear me? They can’t break you down Let you hit the ground I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long) You’re feeling overwhelmed here Drowned by the pain and the fear The sun will come with the dawn All you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul… Get your soul…
My 2 cents – this is a song about learning how to be strong after a struggle. Don’t let the world destroy you. It’s a good song, and it feels like a good message.
Lyrics – [Verse 1] I hate the world today You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried You must have been relieved to see the softer side I can understand how you’d be so confused I don’t envy you I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Verse 2] So take me as I am This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous And I’m going to extremes Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Bridge] Just when you think you got me figured out The season’s already changing I think it’s cool, you do what you do And don’t try to save me
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Chorus 2] I’m a bitch, I’m a tease I’m a goddess on my knees When you hurt, when you suffer I’m your angel undercover I’ve been numb, I’m revived Can’t say I’m not alive You know I wouldn’t want it any other way
My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.
I am a creative person… First and foremost. It is just a truth about me. And I usually have some idea of what to create… But every now and then I get the blahs. When I don’t want to do anything. I just can’t think of anything I want to make/write. Sure, I can do prompts… And I often do to break the blahs. But sometimes I just like letting the mood work itself out.
That means that I don’t have an update for a tea party. As I have been lacking in forward momentum for a couple of weeks now. It will pass. But until it does… I am just not feeling it.
Lyrics – I can almost see it That dream I’m dreaming but There’s a voice inside my head saying You’ll never reach it, Every step I’m taking, Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking but I Gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb The struggles I’m facing The chances I’m taking Sometimes might knock me down but No I’m not breaking I may not know it But these are the moments that I’m going to remember most yeah Just got to keep going And I I gotta be strong Just keep pushing on, ’cause There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb (yeah) There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes you gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb (yeah yeah ea ea) Keep on moving Keep climbing Keep the faith baby It’s all about It’s all about The climb Keep the faith Keep your faith Whoa oh oh
My 2 cents…
The world is hurting… And the majority of us are caught up in the back and forth, and finding it to be too much. I stepped away from Facebook yesterday… Because I found that I was crying everytime I opened it up. I have been torn between wanting knowledge of current events/ family and the need to be sane (or as close as I get). I am going to choose my own sanity here. But with any mountain blocking my path… I will rest but I will not give up. I can’t be there to join the fight. But I will say that Black Lives Matter. I will say that the cop deserves a murder charge. And that my heart hurts for the fact that either of those statements are not immediately apparent.
Everything’s been so messed up here lately Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me He don’t love me, he don’t love me But that’s okay ‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me Yeah, I love me Yeah, I love myself anyway Hey Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be okay It’s gonna be a good, good, life That’s what my therapist say Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be just fine It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser I’m a hater, I’m a user I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed I don’t trust no one around us I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Nobody shows up unless I’m paying Have a drink on me cheers to the failing Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me He don’t love me, he don’t love me But that’s okay ‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me Yeah, I love me Yeah, I love myself anyway Hey Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be okay It’s gonna be a good, good life That’s what my therapist say Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be just fine It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser I’m a hater, I’m a user I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed I don’t trust no one around us I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Everything’s gonna be alright, alright Everything’s gonna be just fine, just fine It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser I’m a hater, I’m a user I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed I don’t trust no one around us I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
My 2 cents – I feel like this song is so relatable. everyone feels like a mess on occasion. Some of us feel like more mess than right. So if today you are a mess…just turn the music up and let Bebe Sing your feelings for you.
Lyrics – All along it was a fever A cold sweat hot-headed believer I threw my hands in the air, said, “Show me something” He said, “If you dare, come a little closer” Round and around and around and around we go Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know Not really sure how to feel about it Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can’t live without you It takes me all the way I want you to stay It’s not much of a life you’re living It’s not just something you take it’s given Round and around and around and around we go Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know Not really sure how to feel about it Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can’t live without you It takes me all the way I want you to stay Ooh, ooh, ooh, the reason I hold on Ooh, ooh, ooh, ’cause I need this hole gone Well, funny you’re the broken one But I’m the only one who needed saving ‘Cause when you never see the light It’s hard to know which one of us is caving Not really sure how to feel about it Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can’t live without you It takes me all the way I want you to stay, stay I want you to stay, hooh
My 2cents – this song speaks of longing for company, of loneliness. Right now I feel like this is a relevant and relatable feeling. It is a scary time for all of us, globally. Pandemic and isolation…it’s just a level of panic and uncertainty that has a lot of us disabled.
Please, even if you are having issues, try to stay in until this is under control. Isolation is the world’s best shot right now. Stay home and stay safe.
Pattimouse 