I feel like I have been doing a lot of the I am overwhelmed posts for the Wednesday post. And I don’t want to do it for the third week.
So I decided that I will do a news drop instead.
Serena is writing again. The Sea Wytch is actually moving forward and I have hope that it will be done this year.
Fae corps publishing is in current negotiations with a narrator to be able to offer audio books.
We are also in negotiations for the possibility of offering another imprint under our team.
I am posting my poetry images on patreon. Any paid amount will allow you to see them. They will not be available anywhere else. I am trying to not post the same poem anywhere else as well. So unless you are a patron the only way to see those poems are to buy the books.
Not sure if I announced it here but I have a new intern for Fae corps who is running the fae corps publishing blog. They are taking a huge amount of work off my plate each week. That should help me with my overwhelmed life.
I have signed up for the half marathon on the poetry marathon. 12 poems in 12 hours. It’s June 15th.
I am sure there’s more news but I don’t know what else to say…. So I will try to remember it by next week.
So my boyfriend and I have different views on the song popular monster. I prefer the one by Falling in Reverse and he prefers Halocene’s version. This is really not a big thing. We have different views on songs that we both like and we just deal with the other persons view.
We were going to a appointment today and his vehicle so he gets to choose the music. He played popular monster and it was an ah ha moment for me. Halocene’s voice is the same register as I sing in my head… So I like the other one because I can enjoy the song. Halocenes version ends up being my inner voice.
So I know that I have been trying to get back to my usual for this week… and yes… I am scheduling it all on Sunday… but I got as far as Wednesday and I don’t know what to do with it.
I have so much going on, and I know that I can use it for telling you about it… but sometimes it’s not stuff that I know how to share.
This month especially is physically busy. It’s also busy with work. Okay let me explain.
Work is not usually physical for me. Work is writing, editing, and publishing. It can be incredibly mentally taxing. But I am often not up and moving around.
Part of the reason why is that I don’t have exactly good mobility. I will get unable to move if I do too much.
Well, in order for me to have an office…we have to clean out a storage room. Plus I have plans for the weekend to be at Milton Flea market with my resin art and jewelry. (Kiddo is doing yard sale stuff at the same time.) And the chickens are going to be getting a new coop from a old building in the yard – that also needed cleaned out to be useable.
So, I think that I am just overwhelmed and stressed out. Hopefully I can do a good post next week about the flea market.
So, I decided I wanted to do my blog differently because the picture limits were annoying me. However…I don’t like the expense for the paid blog here. So I paid for www.pattimouse.org Which I am waiting for the site to be situated that I designed…(And then it will probably take a bit of time to adjust to the new blog) I plan on still linking to it, HERE…and doing the random text blogging here…but I will be doing the picture heavy stuff there. So I will be doing some adjustments to how I post. Once I get it set up right…which as I said will take time. This should make my posts more interesting I hope.
When you feel that rage (When you feel that) When you feel that rage
We’re the underdogs roaming in the dark We’re the savages born from worlds apart Our past has shown just how we bleed A blind future in front of me Lost and fractured to the point of break
So come and play with that rage (that rage) Light a match and reignite the flames (the flames) This ain’t the end, we’re here to stay We rush into the unknown Fearless and brave So don’t throw it away (that rage) Won’t stop until sweet victory
We’ve been working towards the goal for most our lives Every challenge that we faced, we have survived Our confidence is growing everyday Finally it is our time to reign
Our past has shown just how we bleed A blind future in front of me Lost and fractured to the point of break
So come and play with that rage (that rage) Light a match and reignite the flames (the flames) This ain’t the end, we’re here to stay We rush into the unknown Fearless and brave So don’t throw it away (that rage) Won’t stop until sweet victory
We’re the underdogs roaming in the dark We’re the savages born from worlds apart And now I know that this is just the start We will fight for everything we are RAGE, that RAGE (when you feel that rage, when you feel that) RAGE, that RAGE (when you feel that rage, when you feel that) Rage (that rage) Light a match and reignite the flames (the flames) This ain’t the end, we’re here to stay We rush into the unknown Fearless and brave So don’t throw it away (that rage) Won’t stop until sweet victory We will go down in history So come and play with that rage (that rage)
My 2 Cents –
too many people consider Rage as a variety of anger. Rage is so much more. and at the same time is. Rage is unconscious, uncontrollable, the first instinct when we get backed into a corner…. and yes it is anger, but it is also so much more.
I was once told that I should not be angry about the abuse that I suffered… I was told that I should forgive.
Anger is a safety mechanism. forgiving allows you to forget about the pain caused. It means letting go of righteous pain. that righteous pain built me into the person that I am. it made me empathetic, it made me kind, and it made me aware of the people that exist in this world who are going to hurt others.
I spent my birthday awake…for 28 total hours. Awake. Then I crashed and was allowed to sleep for twelve…woke up feeling sick.(not used to that much sleep at any given time.)
So…That was a fun experience. I was surrounded by love..
I even got writing done, and cover creation – though I was told I should not because I will likely not be able to write all the volumes I have covers for now. You know what? I am too old to be told what to do. I will create covers for books till I die. Because I love doing it.
I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
I battle with depression, but the question still remains Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage? And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?
Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I’m a popular, popular monster
I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?
Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Motherfucker, now you got my attention I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified
I fell asleep at the wheel again Crashed my car just to feel again It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I’m a popular, popular fucking monster
Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh We’re sick and tired of wondering Praying to a god that you don’t believe We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found So the question I ask is Oh, where the fuck is your god now?
‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I’m not a popular, popular monster
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster
My 2 Cents –
There is something awful about this process. That loss of faith. In God, In community, In Self. And it is worse when you are being told that there is something wrong with you at the same time. There is not a damn thing wrong with being a monster. Be a monster, be yourself, Be Unique (10 points if you know where that is from)
They say that what you take pictures of is what you see as important. I remember the first camera I had. It was a cheap one that took 35mm film. That excitement of taking pictures…then I paid for development. The disappointment of the pictures were so blurry and disjointed.
It was enough to be a reason why I didn’t take pictures for years. That camera was a painful thing from my teen years. If digital ones had been available I would have figured out how to do more with them, but it was just not a thing. I could have used a Polaroid but they were expensive and I was poor.
So when my youngest child was born my friend bought me a new digital one. I took thousands of pictures of my daughter and her cousin. Babies are so good at looking adorable even if the one holding the camera is not good at the setting up the shot.
That camera was stolen when we had “friends” over for a Christmas dinner. But by that point I had a smart phone. So I kept learning about taking pictures.
Now I still have the random awful picture, but I have learned to accept that I don’t have to be a professional quality photographer. I take pictures of what I want to remember and when I look at the picture I have a memory. Sometimes I even have a good picture.
So, I ask you… what do you photograph? And are you any good at it? Or like me do you just have memories and the occasional good shot?
My daughter is actually too smart for my own good.
We were having a conversation and she got slightly aggravated with me. I know she probably phrased it slightly differently but the gist of what she said was that she had heard me tell her father that I don’t see him as the villain, and I don’t want him to be my hero. Her question was “well why the hell not? who rescues you?”
I don’t know how to explain to her that I don’t want to be rescued. I am my own hero…. and I tried to tell her that. She said that she had never seen me choose myself over them. I have always chosen the best for her and him. She said she didn’t understand. I chose the best for the best part of my life. How do I even begin to explain it?
She is my whole world. Don’t get me wrong, I love my other two children but I didn’t get to raise either of them… and then add in the two miscarriages I had before her. I can’t have any more children. I wanted a house full when I was younger. I found having her was enough.
She always seems to know what to say and when I just need her to be around. She has such a delightful eclectic taste in music and an artistic bent. She is so empathetic and she has a definite view of the world.
So, she is my whole reason to want to be a better person. And she gets mad at me for not being selfish.
Pattimouse 