Posted earlier on my personal Facebook

It really is the little things that hurt…and heal. Seeing affection and pride felt by those whom you wish were proud of you. Or who paid enough attention to see who you really were. So I end up feeling the little green eyed monster creep in. And then I self recriminate because I see myself as better than that.  I don’t do my writing or my crafts or my art for the recognition.  I really don’t.  I do all of it for me.  However,  the primal urge for recognition exists in everyone. Then along with the self doubt,  a few someone’s stood up for me. It heals the little cracks in my soul.

Day nineteen

image

1. Claustrophobia – I have been afraid of closed in spaces for a very long time.

2. Helplessness – I can not handle being helpless. I have been a survivor… so I don’t do being helpless well.

3. Heights – although I think it is more a fear of falling.

4. Being alone – the huge fear of loss.

5. Tbh — only thing four above.

Day sixteen

image

Today this has been a day….
°6am woke up and got my angel up.
°7am got her off to school
°till 830 spent writing
°went back to bed until 1130
°1130 checked social media
°12pm ran vacuum,  cleaned bathroom,  picked up living room
°1 did articles for my sister’s faeries
°230 Ate hot dogs
°345 greeted my baby and listened to her day
°5 laid down for a nap as my back had been in pain all day.
° 7 got up made dinner
° 8 took a shower
°9 family television time
°10 angel bedtime
°10 till 12 more writing time (and some social media too.)
°12-130 goofing off / me time
°130 me bedtime
Some difference each day but this is generally my day.  What’s yours?

Emotional secrets

                 Here recently I accused someone I love of having secrets from me. It caused a fight. I wasn’t saying in a cheating sort of way,  and I was right. He was hiding his misery.  Each of us do this.  We tell only part of our lives because we don’t want to be seen as weak or wanting.  We all want to be strong,  if nothing else as an illusion to ourselves. It is truly in human nature. We expect those around us to see what is bothering us,  and are often disappointed when no one does. 
                   Our minds are mazes that we even occasionally have trouble navigating. Add in the mental mazes that exist in those we love,  And that is where confusion lies. What makes relationships work, all sorts of relationships,  is a truly open line of communication.  Trust and honesty make for strong and lasting relationships.
              So next time you feel doubt as to what someone feels or may be hiding, Ask… Don’t accuse. It may make all the difference.

Nightmares

             I have had them for as long as I can remember. I have looked into the idea of controlling my dreams.  However once they dream starts,  I am helpless.  I know that some who have never been in my place would suggest that I just “shake it off.” Waking from a nightmare for me isn’t logical. The fear and helplessness follows me.  I wake confused about where I am. I wake with my heart racing and my breathing uneven.  Depending on how long I was in it, I even sometimes awaken to bloody places where I have scratched myself or been hitting the wall. 
              Add to that the fact that I rarely get back to sleep after,  doing so is very often a herculean effort. So if I tell you I am tired. Or say I am having trouble sleeping…. please don’t feel the need to suggest I cut down on my coffee.  Most weeks I have less than a cup a day. Please understand,  if i tell you I am tired, it is merely me explaining that I am not at my best.  Even with nightmares,  I am not stopping… Don’t ask me to tell you what is so scary. Most of the time all i remember is the fear.  The feeling of being helpless.  No details other could I give you.
                      This nightmares are not a sign of weakness. They are the a sign that I am mentally unstable.  They are merely another reminder of my survival.  I made it through a lot of things.  I have lived an interesting life. How my mind handles some of it,  well, it could be worse.

Waken and weep

Sleep is a dangerous thing
Hidden from me yet again.
Elusive as a butterfly
Once caught on the wind,
Drifting endlessly away.

Stress and worry
Steals easily,
Peace of mind
Leaking away
Like water through
A broken pipe.

Even when reached
No guarantee of peace
In the ever elusive sleep,
For sometimes all that occurs
Is merely to waken…
Waken and weep.

R.I.P. Chyna

image

                    I Grew up watching wrestling.  I was basically the only girl among a house full of boys.  And though I enjoyed wrestling…. you were what caused me to love it. To look forward to it. For you were equal to the men. You were strong and beautiful… you had an intelligence that was far more than was expected in your profession. Please may you rest in peace,  for your light will truly be missed here.

Words, tool or weapon?

                     I am a writer,  a poet. A lot of what I write is gibberish to start. I then go back and polish, much as one would polish a gem. It is for me the easiest way I know to deal with major issues is to write it  out.  However here lately I often find myself needing to watch more of what I say.  It’s so easy to be careless with our words….and those careless words can do more harm than  we realize. I have always understood this.  One of my favorite poems,  that i discovered in High School,  spoke of this….
——————————————————————–
The Stone
By Wilfred Wilson Gibson

“And will you cut a stone for him,
To set above his head?
And will you cut a stone for him–
A stone for him?” she said.

Three days before, a splintered rock
Had struck her lover dead–
Had struck him in the quarry dead,
Where, careless of a warning call,
He loitered, while the shot was fired–
A lively stripling, brave and tall,
And sure of all his heart desired . . .
A flash, a shock,
A rumbling fall . . .
And, broken ‘neath the broken rock,
A lifeless heap, with face of clay,
And still as any stone he lay,
With eyes that saw the end of all.

I went to break the news to her:
And I could hear my own heart beat
With dread of what my lips might say;
But some poor fool had sped before;
And, flinging wide her father’s door,
Had blurted out the news to her,
Had struck her lover dead for her,
Had struck the girl’s heart dead in her,
Had struck life, lifeless, at a word,
And dropped it at her feet:
Then hurried on his witless way,
Scarce knowing she had heard.

And when I came, she stood alone–
A woman, turned to stone:
And, though no word at all she said,
I knew that all was known.

Because her heart was dead,
She did not sigh nor moan.
His mother wept:
She could not weep.
Her lover slept:
She could not sleep.
Three days, three nights,
She did not stir:
Three days, three nights,
Were one to her,
Who never closed her eyes
From sunset to sunrise,
From dawn to evenfall–
Her tearless, staring eyes,
That, seeing naught, saw all.

The fourth night when I came from work,
I found her at my door.
“And will you cut a stone for him?”
She said: and spoke no more:
But followed me, as I went in,
And sank upon a chair;
And fixed her grey eyes on my face,
With still, unseeing stare.
And, as she waited patiently,
I could not bear to feel
Those still, grey eyes that followed me,
Those eyes that plucked the heart from me,
Those eyes that sucked the breath from me
And curdled the warm blood in me,
Those eyes that cut me to the bone,
And cut my marrow like cold steel.

And so I rose and sought a stone;
And cut it smooth and square:
And, as I worked, she sat and watched,
Beside me, in her chair.
Night after night, by candlelight,
I cut her lover’s name:
Night after night, so still and white,
And like a ghost she came;
And sat beside me, in her chair,
And watched with eyes aflame.

She eyed each stroke,
And hardly stirred:
she never spoke
A single word:
And not a sound or murmur broke
The quiet, save the mallet stroke.

With still eyes ever on my hands,
With eyes that seemed to burn my hands,
My wincing, overwearied hands,
She watched, with bloodless lips apart,
And silent, indrawn breath:
And every stroke my chisel cut,
Death cut still deeper in her heart:
The two of us were chiselling,
Together, I and Death.

And when at length my job was done,
And I had laid the mallet by,
As if, at last, her peace were won,
She breathed his name, and, with a sigh,
Passed slowly through the open door:
And never crossed my threshold more.

Next night I laboured late, alone,
To cut her name upon the stone.
—————————————————–

So I try to think before I speak… but I really have no filter. Most people who know me realize this and overlook the random strange that occasionally comes out from me. However I do try to be kind.  So much so that I have avoided a few topics because I know I cannot be kind.  While I would feel no problem with my actions when it comes to being cruel to those involved… being mean there brings me to close to acting like them.  Do you censor yourself on any topic?  If so why?

Borderline

The razor’s edge
Splitting me in two.
Moments of clarity,
Only one or two.
Twisted within
my sanity…
Trying to piece
Together the mind
That sleep left behind.

Every minute
that passes
Eternity in need,
Seeking a restful deed.

No cause for concern, 
Even as the clock hands
Twist and swirl,
Naught left to do
On this tilt a whirl.

Sweet sandman return
To refresh my brain,
So i can be just
Myself again!

Insomnia demons and insisting muses.

                         Okay,  i am often treated to bouts of insomnia.  The reasons vary. Often it is just not being able to quiet my busy mind. Last night was the first time in over a month. I am up to thirty three poems out of the seventy I do in each volume for Life drops. I will likely share later one from that. I spent some time writing on the d20 game world that I have created. Lots of details still to do on that one. Managed about two fifty on my steampunk story, and another hundred and fifty on my drow novel. Didn’t get to the others. Helped my sister’s faeries do some for their Facebook page. Shared what i found worthwhile to my author page,  to my shop page,  and to my personal page. Still felt like I should have gotten more done.  Didn’t get my crafts done yesterday.  Still my mind isn’t slowing.  Have cut way back on caffeine.  Limiting myself to two cups of coffee a week and pretty much no pop. Heck even my tea is mostly herbal anymore.  Still there are days when i can’t sleep.  I’m about to try again for st least a short nap.  So until I return…. may you sleep well and have only sweet dreams.