Waken and weep

Sleep is a dangerous thing
Hidden from me yet again.
Elusive as a butterfly
Once caught on the wind,
Drifting endlessly away.

Stress and worry
Steals easily,
Peace of mind
Leaking away
Like water through
A broken pipe.

Even when reached
No guarantee of peace
In the ever elusive sleep,
For sometimes all that occurs
Is merely to waken…
Waken and weep.

R.I.P. Chyna

image

                    I Grew up watching wrestling.  I was basically the only girl among a house full of boys.  And though I enjoyed wrestling…. you were what caused me to love it. To look forward to it. For you were equal to the men. You were strong and beautiful… you had an intelligence that was far more than was expected in your profession. Please may you rest in peace,  for your light will truly be missed here.

Words, tool or weapon?

                     I am a writer,  a poet. A lot of what I write is gibberish to start. I then go back and polish, much as one would polish a gem. It is for me the easiest way I know to deal with major issues is to write it  out.  However here lately I often find myself needing to watch more of what I say.  It’s so easy to be careless with our words….and those careless words can do more harm than  we realize. I have always understood this.  One of my favorite poems,  that i discovered in High School,  spoke of this….
——————————————————————–
The Stone
By Wilfred Wilson Gibson

“And will you cut a stone for him,
To set above his head?
And will you cut a stone for him–
A stone for him?” she said.

Three days before, a splintered rock
Had struck her lover dead–
Had struck him in the quarry dead,
Where, careless of a warning call,
He loitered, while the shot was fired–
A lively stripling, brave and tall,
And sure of all his heart desired . . .
A flash, a shock,
A rumbling fall . . .
And, broken ‘neath the broken rock,
A lifeless heap, with face of clay,
And still as any stone he lay,
With eyes that saw the end of all.

I went to break the news to her:
And I could hear my own heart beat
With dread of what my lips might say;
But some poor fool had sped before;
And, flinging wide her father’s door,
Had blurted out the news to her,
Had struck her lover dead for her,
Had struck the girl’s heart dead in her,
Had struck life, lifeless, at a word,
And dropped it at her feet:
Then hurried on his witless way,
Scarce knowing she had heard.

And when I came, she stood alone–
A woman, turned to stone:
And, though no word at all she said,
I knew that all was known.

Because her heart was dead,
She did not sigh nor moan.
His mother wept:
She could not weep.
Her lover slept:
She could not sleep.
Three days, three nights,
She did not stir:
Three days, three nights,
Were one to her,
Who never closed her eyes
From sunset to sunrise,
From dawn to evenfall–
Her tearless, staring eyes,
That, seeing naught, saw all.

The fourth night when I came from work,
I found her at my door.
“And will you cut a stone for him?”
She said: and spoke no more:
But followed me, as I went in,
And sank upon a chair;
And fixed her grey eyes on my face,
With still, unseeing stare.
And, as she waited patiently,
I could not bear to feel
Those still, grey eyes that followed me,
Those eyes that plucked the heart from me,
Those eyes that sucked the breath from me
And curdled the warm blood in me,
Those eyes that cut me to the bone,
And cut my marrow like cold steel.

And so I rose and sought a stone;
And cut it smooth and square:
And, as I worked, she sat and watched,
Beside me, in her chair.
Night after night, by candlelight,
I cut her lover’s name:
Night after night, so still and white,
And like a ghost she came;
And sat beside me, in her chair,
And watched with eyes aflame.

She eyed each stroke,
And hardly stirred:
she never spoke
A single word:
And not a sound or murmur broke
The quiet, save the mallet stroke.

With still eyes ever on my hands,
With eyes that seemed to burn my hands,
My wincing, overwearied hands,
She watched, with bloodless lips apart,
And silent, indrawn breath:
And every stroke my chisel cut,
Death cut still deeper in her heart:
The two of us were chiselling,
Together, I and Death.

And when at length my job was done,
And I had laid the mallet by,
As if, at last, her peace were won,
She breathed his name, and, with a sigh,
Passed slowly through the open door:
And never crossed my threshold more.

Next night I laboured late, alone,
To cut her name upon the stone.
—————————————————–

So I try to think before I speak… but I really have no filter. Most people who know me realize this and overlook the random strange that occasionally comes out from me. However I do try to be kind.  So much so that I have avoided a few topics because I know I cannot be kind.  While I would feel no problem with my actions when it comes to being cruel to those involved… being mean there brings me to close to acting like them.  Do you censor yourself on any topic?  If so why?

Borderline

The razor’s edge
Splitting me in two.
Moments of clarity,
Only one or two.
Twisted within
my sanity…
Trying to piece
Together the mind
That sleep left behind.

Every minute
that passes
Eternity in need,
Seeking a restful deed.

No cause for concern, 
Even as the clock hands
Twist and swirl,
Naught left to do
On this tilt a whirl.

Sweet sandman return
To refresh my brain,
So i can be just
Myself again!

Insomnia demons and insisting muses.

                         Okay,  i am often treated to bouts of insomnia.  The reasons vary. Often it is just not being able to quiet my busy mind. Last night was the first time in over a month. I am up to thirty three poems out of the seventy I do in each volume for Life drops. I will likely share later one from that. I spent some time writing on the d20 game world that I have created. Lots of details still to do on that one. Managed about two fifty on my steampunk story, and another hundred and fifty on my drow novel. Didn’t get to the others. Helped my sister’s faeries do some for their Facebook page. Shared what i found worthwhile to my author page,  to my shop page,  and to my personal page. Still felt like I should have gotten more done.  Didn’t get my crafts done yesterday.  Still my mind isn’t slowing.  Have cut way back on caffeine.  Limiting myself to two cups of coffee a week and pretty much no pop. Heck even my tea is mostly herbal anymore.  Still there are days when i can’t sleep.  I’m about to try again for st least a short nap.  So until I return…. may you sleep well and have only sweet dreams.

Silence is cruelty

               April is child abuse prevention  month.  So many of my friends, myself included,  are survivors. The thing about surviving is we mostly don’t talk about it. It becomes a dirty little thing that gets hidden because no one wants to hear the truth.  We get told to be quiet or told we are lying. This makes trying to heal all that much more problematic.  One of my friends is waiting to write her story until her mother dies. Simply because every time she tries to speak of what she went through,  her mother tells her not to. The man who molested me was allowed to harm others because when I finally stepped forward no one believed me. It took another to send him to jail. Another friend worries about her son as his father molested him, and was court ordered visiting rights.  Speaking up only works when it is believed. 

My voice shakes… but I have not lied. So for those today whom are out there fighting what you have survived… you are not alone. Speak… no matter who tries to silence you. Write,  if only for yourself,  no matter who tries to stop you. What you say, even if you are afraid,  may help you find your bravery.

Rainy days and Sick Mondays

I woke up aching all over. Now my daughter had it yesterday. So I figure it may just be a spring cold. Then I look out the window….Ugh. It is a dreary rainy day. It would certainly not be the first time my body reacted to the weather. Today every little thing has been setting off my anxieties. So here I am, a true mess. Instead of getting anything accomplished…I have been aching and bellyaching. I think today will just be a wash. However I am refusing to let the rain and dreary knock me down. I am making homemade chicken pizza (From dough i froze a couple of weeks ago) to pick up the spirits of my angel and I. Then after dinner dishes i will sit and try and write….even if I delete it tomorrow…I think the discipline may help me be a little less anxious.

Flowers in bloom, head goes boom

just an fyi….sinus season means lots of headaches. lots of me getting less done.  So I am fighting through it. I have mom details to see to. My sister and I are doing a cookbook project for her Faerie Marigold. I finally figured out the title for my sci-fi story. It will be called In the shadow of Kailaras. and managed yesterday to add a couple of hundred words to it. I managed to do a lot yesterday but feeling like caca means less today. as the sun goes down maybe i will be in less pain and be able to push through it.

Dodging the dust today

Some days it feels like I have too many plates spinning. Hence the Picture above. (credit goes to Jim Hunt Illustrations…for the awesome image.)  Today was no exception. Somehow all those various hats….(mother, Writer, adult, Social media guru, blogger, Friend, Girlfriend, cook, gamer, etc, etc) all seemed to fit. I kept moving and I got stuff done. Even found time to watch a favorite movie with my little girl. Somedays it feels like the dust settles over me. creating a blanket. making it hard to move. Not today. Today I wasn’t sitting long enough for the dust to settle. Today I kept on my feet and managed to get things done. I maybe didn’t do as much in crafts as i did in writing, or maybe I was less attentive to this part of my life as I was to that. Still no broken plates. How about you? Any broken plates today? Did the dust settle? If so that is okay. Tomorrow you can try again.

Lazy days and Tuesdays?

Normally i have a million of things i work on. Between writing and social media, games and housework, Parenting and crafts. This morning was no different. So this afternoon when I returned from running errands, I found myself feeling lazy. I didn’t want to do the normal social media. The games were less than attention grabbing.  Housework does need done, but finding motivation is always fun when it is work. I have some typing to do, and still some writing. I just find myself sitting here thinking how bored I am. I found myself in good company. A lot of my friends were having motivational issues today. I have heard of Lazy days and Mondays. Sundays tend towards lazy days often. However it seems to me I have never heard of Tuesdays being lazy days….I have stuff that needs done, writing just waiting for my attention. So I force the nose to the grindstone. My To-do list for the week is less than interesting for me at the moment. I have done some of the housework that seems to be constantly screaming for attention. I still have dinner dishes to do tonight. I have a vendor fair coming up in May (on the 14th in Keyser if you are interested) So i really need to work on my crafts. and all I seem to feel like saying Is…Not today.