Category: struggle

Commodity 

Another day, 

Just like the 

one before. 

Freedom a lie, 

In the land of 

the free. 
Stolen from life, 

Forced to live 

this strife. 

No longer human, 

A bought toy

Forced to endure. 
No one sees

What is left of me. 

Nothing remaining 

Except a commodity. 
(Just a note) 

Human trafficking is a crime.  Unfortunately one that happens too often.  The sites below are filled with information on this crime and how to prevent it. 

Need help? United States:

1 (888) 373-7888

National Human Trafficking Resource Center

SMS: 233733 (Text “HELP” or “INFO”)

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish and 200 more languages

Website: traffickingresourcecenter.org

http://www.truckersagainsttrafficking.org

planning and prompted writing

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I have been writing more lately.  This is a good thing.  my poetry is flowing. And the stories are trying to do the same. this is where my issue is.  I am not a planner when I write.  So when I have a dozen stories vying for space in my mind and am only one person…. well it means that I get so far in a story and lose track of where it should go. which is entirely frustrating. Planning the story only causes me to loose focus quicker. I am not saying this to whine.  it is just the way that I am.

So I am feeling that frustration with my current story and I set a deadline with my editor.  What that means is something ends up being forgotten in my struggle to make the story fall into line. For me… I am sorry to say… it has been this blog. I wanted to apologize for this.  I will likely be lax in posting until I am finished with this one and sent to the editor. I hope that you understand and return to see me after the 27th.

Labels

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So I have my entire life been unable to fit exactly any label. I was sporty,  nerdy,  geeky,  a loner,  a bookworm,  social,  antisocial,  introvert,  extroverted,  a joiner…well you can see where I am going with this. It was not a true issue for me,  and was all in the same breath. I always felt like I was on the outside.  I laugh… I collect labels… But then I would hide the fact that it hurt.  Why should I be a label?  I have never been very good at limiting myself…

That being said…. My twelve year old is very much like me.  She is fluid in who she is and what she does. She asked me today…. Mama why do people have to label each other?  Why can’t they just accept that each person grows and change with each passing day? …….how is it that this child who has not yet reached even a decade and a half umderstands something that eludes over half the human race?

Perhaps we need to learn instead of separately labelling each other,  to instead celebrate the uniqueness that is the human race.

Define Art

According to Wikipedia… An artist is : An artist is a person engaged in one or more of any of a broad spectrum of activities related to creating art, practicing the arts or demonstrating an art. The common usage in both everyday speech and academic discourse is a practitioner in the visual arts only.

I find myself so often considering whether or not I should use the title of artist.  I know that I am an artist… But I feel like what I do doesn’t seem as good. Yes this is my anxiety talking. But part of the issue is art is truly subjective. I can look at a picture and feel like it is genius,  and then you can look and see it as garbage. The same thing goes for any kind of art…. Paintings,  poetry,  yarnwork, music.  With no baseline to measure the art against,  is it really any wonder how many artists fail to have strong self esteem?  Add the fact that you then are expected to,  if you want to make a living from the art,  find the way to sell these small expressions of your soul. It takes a huge amount of courage to even show another soul what you have done. Then deciding what you are worth?  Bah I see it as nearly crippling.

Seasonal Blues

Screenshot_20161214-060114.pngso this time of year it is so hard for many people.  I often feel like it is the worst because of the expectations we are put under to be nice to people who we can’t stand the rest of the year.  Or the fact that we are separate from the ones that we love and have no way to remedy this. Sometimes it is just the weather changes and the sickness that seems to linger about making it even more difficult to be social.  I just wanted to reach out and say that you are not alone.  If this is a difficult time for you,  reach out.  There is always someone who you matter too… Whether you know it or not.  And in the holidays we some times forget about telling the ones around us how much we care.  For some the inner voice is not a kind thing.  Trust me when I say that you are not alone.  ❤

Self worth

So much I find myself having an issue… I am crawling my way to being healthy and a “successful ” person.  For me it is a constant struggle. It means that I have to put the work I do creatively in the world.  I face rejection. Ok,  you say,  and?… Well it comes down to what kind of day I am having.  And I know that I am not alone.  I so often on bad days convince myself that two monkeys with typewriters could write better than I do. And I won’t even get started with my art. It isn’t just depression,  it is self worth.  If you spend your whole life hearing that your opinion is not worth a damn then eventually… You believe it. This is not something that you can just get over!  This requires you to retrain yourself to believe that you matter.  That the systematic erosion of your dreams and desires was not in fact truth. That you can make a difference in this all too dark world.  So if I seem to be attention seeking with my art or my writing… It is not because I am actually attention seeking.. It is likely that I am losing the fight that day against seeing myself as worthy of doing it at all that day. Please don’t hold it against the writing or the art.

Peace

Those who don’t know me may not understand this. I am a pacifist. I really and honestly believe that violence does not solve anything. To my mind, violence only exacerbates any situation and makes it worse. That being said, I am deeply worried about the state of affairs in the United States. I feel like we went from the melting pot to the boiling pot overnight. I worry that the suicide rates will go up with this revelation of the new president and of the hardships we as a nation will be facing for the next four years. Don’t get me wrong. I am scared. But allowing fear to overtake me solves nothing.

We have to recover from the shock, and start to put our brains to use. This country is still the same, even if it feels different. There is laws to prevent the abuse I am seeing reports of on social media. There are places still to assist you if you are in danger. No one has the right to harm another person, no matter what the people who follow the hate believe.  Practice Kindness. It is needed now more than ever. Do art! Please put more beauty into this ugly world. Speak and write truth, even if it is disguised as fiction. We have so much ugly in the world, that many believe that is how things have to be…show them that it is only one way. Violence is NEVER the answer, and we as a species need to find out what is.  Please be good to each other. ❤

Broken concept

Ok… Let’s stop right now.  The use of the word bored. I had someone who I dearly love use this word recently and it stuck in my craw.  Boredom is a flawed concept.  There is always something that you can do to engage the mind.  As the parent of a very active pre-teen,  this is a lesson I have tried repeatedly to ingraine.  Money doesn’t have to be a block either.  Oh you are broke?  Is there a library or a park near you?  Well those are usually free. Nature walks allow time for contemplation. Also one could gather supplies to do simple crafts (easily found via the Internet…)  I am not saying crafting is for everyone. I did a I’m bored jar for my girl… Slips of paper to give her ideas.  If she said that she was bored then we would draw out a slip and do what was on it.  Not all were fun…

Here is some examples..

1. Sweep all of the floors in one room.

2. Play half an hour of a video game.

3. Read for thirty minutes.

4. Color one page in a coloring book.

5. Draw a picture…

6. Write a story /poem

7. Walk at least fifteen minutes,  take notice of all of your surroundings.

8. Do a craft… Any craft.

9. Listen to music and dance…

10. Write a letter to someone.

These are merely some possible ideas.  We play d&d,  so another option is to find a group of players and start an adventure.  Most libraries offer free Wi-Fi for card holders. There is many places to get free books for the Kindle app(which is available from the play store for Android,  not sure on Apple)…. Bookbub,  bookgorilla,  and a few others.  So even if you can’t do borrowing from the library there is a way for free books.  If you message a writer on Twitter or Facebook,  and offer to review for the chance to read it… Well some will be willing to do it.  Check your community for free events.  Home depot and lowes both have a craft each month that is free for kids.  I think that they also have ones for adults.   Saying that you are bored is in my opinion denoting a bit of a lack of imagination.  Let’s not have that!

 

Writing, and being a writer

So….writing is at least for me the easy part. It is the part I enjoy. I have so many stories,  poems and ideas floating around my head.  Problem is the business aspects.  Oh,  editing?  Yeah I can do that. I am even able to do the publishing,  thanks to Amazon. I am not good at promoting what I have written.

I have been wary of submitting what I write.  Part of the reason is because I am not inclined toward the rejection letters.  While I know that the rejection letters are a part of writing,  my poetry has always been a opening to my heart. My soul laid bare… So I was not willing to face the unending rejection. Which now seems like ego to me. My writing is good,  but all writing can improve. Is having pride in one’s own words not a good thing?  The other reason for my hesitant nature towards submitting is simple.  I really hate the idea of someone else having the rights to my work.  However I have seen some that claim rights to the work they publish. Not many,  and I refuse to submit to any who do.

Well I have noticed that writer’s are often a solitary lot,  I joined a few groups on social media.  I was hoping to interact and gain tips on how to promote what I write.  Maybe a few to make the words better. You know,  be social with others who are into the same thing… And I found the darndest thing.  Most of the social media groups for writers?  Well it is everyone promoting their own books.  No sharing,  no discussion. So I have been going on,  because the writing itself is really not a choice.  I will be writing until I am no longer able…. Still the publishing thing… Well I do that so I can share with others a glimpse into my soul.

So I was in a bad place tonight because of yet another rejection. I posted it on social media.  I really was hearing the same thing I always hear when I fail to accomplish something.  My mother. So I  posted for a change. I had a friend,  also a writer(Kim Bailey Deal) suggest that I needed beta readers… Ok that was a new concept.  She also introduced me to a group of writers who actually discuss writing. I hope that this will lead me to improving my craft,  and maybe to some good new friends.

 

 

Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

I love you. All that I have ever wanted was to feel like you were proud of me.  I tried to be who you wanted.  I found that didn’t work. Then I tried being myself.  I found that I was happier,  but you still were not proud of me.  Mama I am fourty one,  and I have succeeded.  I am published.  I am usually a happy soul.  Yet when I fall,  and I do occasionally fall.  It is your voice in my ear,  telling me you expected it all along.  When I get rejected for my poetry, (as rejections are normal for the writer to recieve) that everyone else would tell me I wrote so well?  I hear you telling me that you didn’t want to hear it because of how depressing it was.

Mama,  I have published five volumes of poetry,  three children’s books,  and a novella.  You know that family have hardly even acted like it mattered?  I am doing what I told you I wanted to do at nine.  I am a writer. So I may never be a  novelist,  children’s books still need written. I have never asked for much.  Just a hey,  that is awesome.  Or even… Uh sharing it on social media that you have a daughter who is printed.  So I put space between us.  I admit that I was tired of feeling like you just didn’t care. I deserve to be someone who is cared about. I’m sorry that I was never the daughter you wanted,  but Mama,  I have always just been me.

Love always,

Your daughter.