Category: struggle

Miscommunication hazards

It hurts to be ignored. I was invited to help with an interesting project. I was to blog about a apocalyptic anthology. Then it was suggested that I might be able to contribute… By the editor, not the organizer. The organizer became very angry with me for contributing a poem as I was asked. So today I see her asking for female zombie writers. So I am doing the best for my mental health and walking away from the project.

I will still write (as Serena Mossgraves of course) apocalyptic fiction. My book (Rust, Gore, and the Junkyard Zombie) will be live on May first. I want the other authors in the project to do wonderfully well. I just will not be giving any more whispers of that project. I have been asked to assist with another anthology, and I will be posting more on that as it comes closer.

Please forgive my need to no longer speak of a project that I was obviously never wanted for.

Why I won’t be doing Camp nanowrimo

I surround myself with other writers. It allows me to feel understood… And it helps me to do better. The only time I regret that is during the two times that NanoWrimo is a thing.

Everyone around me suddenly expects me to join the writing push. I always do the Pad challenge, and I cannot do the pad challenge and guarantee the word count for the other challenge. And I hate setting myself up to fail.

Some of my friends get this, others however seem to feel like it is a personal affront to them that I refuse to sign up. I am a poet first, the other writing is not life or death if I never write another story. However if I cannot write poetry I am losing a part of my soul.

So dear writing friends… Though I understand why you want to join the fun, can you please not be mad about my staying out to enjoy the PAD challenge? I swear that I am not trying to tell you not to enjoy your challenge. I am merely trying to do one of my own.

Thx, bye now.

Trying to get ahead

Ok… Let’s face it… This blog thing… I am still trying to get used to it. I have been incredibly random about when I update… I am trying to get better at that. Part of the problem is that I post all of my updates when I think of them…. Then I am sitting around scratching my head…..crap.. What do I write on here now? It really is a first world problem.

Sure I can, and often do, share poems that I write. Or update you on progress in my other writing. Rant about crap that irks me. But, in order to keep the blog active… I need to be more regular. So I think that I will start using the schedule feature. Limit myself to posting one update per day and schedule the rest for future days. This will hopefully stretch out the updates and make sure that I stay an active blog.

If there is something you would like to see me discuss… Hey let me know. New topics really can help me to do new posts.

Creative kindness

Creative folks are sensitive, and often it’s the little things that send us into waves of self doubt and wavering, crushing questions about our own worth.
Now I am not claiming that you should not be honest with those folks. Quite the opposite. Just be aware that jumping a creative soul for a miscommunication is likely to cause them to question their own worth. Their own value and whether the work that they they do is worth showing to the world.
So before jumping off the deep end when you are dealing with a creative soul, consider if they were aware of how things went on the other end? Consider asking instead of jumping on them. Because if you are wrong, you will result in them questioning their own worth. Questioning whether they have anything worth putting out into a busy world.
In all things please, be kind first. You don’t know who’s life it might save. And if you decide that you dislike what they have created? Again answer with kindness. Telling the creative to go kill themselves, well the likelihood of them taking it to heart is high. Think before you speak. Or risk the death of another creative soul.

Be kind to each other, for the human race needs one another.

That time of the year

This is the hard time for me to keep up with my blog. So I apologize. Between sick, which seems to be a yearly thing, and birthdays… February and March are busy months for me. I am also working out the details for publishing another poetry volume (Soul Door), a novel as Serena (Rust, Gore, And the Junkyard Zombie) and I have a poem that I submitted to a new E-zine (Creatives Rising)

that is releasing soon. I am also still writing more poetry and the next novel. I will be updating this blog as I can, and I promise that I will post a couple more poems here by the end of the week. Still, Please have patience with my erratic updates.

Prompts and some honest results

so Insomnia is kicking my butt. I decided to do a month of prompts in December… And the group did another for this month. Well I was feeling extra creative and decided to put the ones that I have done for January to lovely picture files. Please enjoy as I try to pretend that I am sleeping… Again.

It’s all about perspective

I’m sick. And when I get sick, I get maudlin. I got a notice that I was getting a deposit from Amazon for the books that I have available. It is the biggest deposit yet, a whole $2.77. That amazes me. It is a sign that people are buying the books that I have written… Mostly poetry, but I have some children’s books and a novella (as Serena).

When I told my mother that I was published her first question was if I had made any money. At the time I stumbled with my answer because I had only made thirty some cents. The fact that I had made anything was a miracle to me, but I knew that would not be what she wanted to hear.

For me, publishing is only a way of being heard. Still, making enough from my writing to buy a drink…. Well it humbles me. Would I like to be able to pay the bills through it? Well of course. I am not stupid. I just choose to be thankful for the small things. How often does changing the perspective change the way something feels?

Small miracles lift up the downtrodden. I choose to see this as a small miracle, so that I am uplifted. What perspective can you change to adjust your view?

Capability vs self worth

(Picture borrowed from Debbie Burns, head unicorn and founder of Debbieburns.me all rights to it are hers)

My writing mentor posted this picture earlier. It brings up a topic that I believe I would like to try and tackle. I have no doubt of how capable I am. I am aware of my strengths, my flaws, and the areas I need to work on. Still I have moments where I question my worth.

Now I could blame my past for that doubt. Claim that I am flawed because no one has ever seen my worth….but I really hate that. It is possible to both know your capability and to doubt your worth. I am a strong and open minded individual, still I struggle. I don’t see what others claim is talent. I see a lifetime of fighting. Of me trying to be half of what those around me said I was.

I struggle because this is the path I see. I stuggle because I refuse to quit. Perhaps the above is true, perhaps some can see the ability within and it will set them free…still not all of those who are struggling fail to see their own capability. I am a strong woman, I have a generous heart. I am creative, with a quick mind. I am a survivor who has learned to be more….still I have days when I don’t understand the love everyone around me has for the broken soul I am. Days when I am the one that sees too much of life and has no way of processing it.

This is just part of being me. Those who love me generally understand those days. They are quick to reach to help me understand why I am loved. And even then I understand my capability…even as I have no understanding of my self worth.

Energy sapping Monsters

zoffttttlyyyy

 

With so much requiring our attention, this time of year is not always a productive time for us writers. Well at least in a personal sense. Between Nanowrimo and the November PAD challenges, and other writing, there is more than enough people looking for our attention. Add in normal Seasonal blues that many have, and it can be overwhelming.

Personally, I find myself an anxious mess about the amount I am expected to join in. I chose not to do Nano this year because of the amount of stuff I have going on in my personal life…still I am finding that other writers are looking for me to join. I am so glad that I have friends that include me. There is always something to be said for that.

I have been doing the PAD challenge. I also have managed to get a bit farther in Rust, Gore and the Junkyard Zombie.  I believe that 2018 will be a wonderful year for book releases. Many wonderful writers are doing Nano this year. I am cheering them on.
However, with all that I have going on, life is weighing heavy on this girl right now. It means that I am finding my spoon supply a lot smaller. Forgive me my sweet ones if I fail to post more that a couple times during the next two months. I will do my best to keep all my balls I am juggling in the air, but if one falls…I will just have to dust myself off and try some more.

Kindness and cruelty

I struggle to see myself as others do. I can list my flaws innumerable. I logically know that I am not what my mental gremlins say. I am not selfish, nor cruel…not intentionally anyway. Still there are those days where I expect more out of people simply because it is something that I can do. I am a poor uneducated woman who is more than a little crazy. I am in constant pain due to physical issues. Still I show up, I do what needs done, and I move on. So on the occasion that I need to remind myself that I am not normal….well I find myself also reminding myself to be kind.

Kindness is not just for the rest of humanity. Sometimes the person who needs your kindness most is yourself. My writing coach, the Amazing Debbie Burns, gave me a couple of methods of dealing with the negative thoughts. One involves listing 100 words about yourself. You then relace negative words with positive ones. This is meant to try to get the brain to replace them when you think about self. We have to try and train ourselves to keep the mental gremlins at bay. Still after a lifetime of self abuse, it is not terribly easy to see the good that everyone else does.

So I will continue to do my word lists to help me see the bright light shining. I will start with the words I did above. “poor uneducated crazy” are all three replaceable. Yes, I have money woes but I have food, I have clothes, I have shelter. So I am content. There see one word replaced. Uneducated is not true. I have my high school diploma. I have taught myself computer programming in c#. I have studied several other things independently. So I can replace that with self educated. Now only one word remains. Crazy. Ugh it is the hardest. After all, I am struggling with mental illness. I am aware of the stigmas. I think perhaps for that I should use the word Unique.

So what words do you say about yourself that perhaps you need to change? I would encourage everyone to examine the labels we use to define ourselves, and in turn the labels we call others.