Category: struggle

Random thoughts of poetry.

Now I normally don’t do this. I don’t explain my poetry, or my art, because I think that most people see what they want to in anything creative. I feel like explanation ruins a piece. To be honest this post is not entirely an explanation… But rather an aside. I have been thinking a lot lately about accountability. About guilt and mistakes. About what I am responsible for in my life and what regrets I should have and what it all means.

I have thought about the regrets that others have expressed towards me. I find that I have very few actual regrets. Each of my choices I made with all of the knowledge that I had at the time. I have revisited some of them later… And hindsight makes regret easy… If you let it.

The problem comes in when you allow regret to consume your conscience. We are as a society, cold. We have lost the conscience. We have lost the knowledge of good and evil, or the will to care. When prison actually looks better than trying to make your way in this miserable world…lives of others no longer matter. That is not a mental illness thing… It is a wake up call.

We have a society where you can work 60+ hours a week and still not be able to afford to pay rent. We live in a society where there is often no way of breaking even, much less getting ahead. Where hate and violence is broadcast nightly on the news. So I have to wonder how we as a society can fix this? How can we take responsibility for the problem and fix it?

Thursday Tea Party

Hi all! Pull up a seat! So much on my mind… I am a wee bit squirrel brained lately. All that it takes to distract me is a shiny object in my side view.

First… I want to express my grief at the sad demise of Grant Thompson. He was way too young to die. *a moment of silence *😭

Now, I think that I promised a Tea recommendation? I love tea. Homemade, store-bought, hot or iced. I prefer sweet, but anymore I settle for adding splenda. One of my favorite store-bought teas are Stash Black Chai Spice. I prepare it with half milk and half water and it is a luxurious treat.

I have been working on the publishing company a lot here lately. It has been a learning experience. I am learning about contracts and the messy part of publishing… That moment when crap hits the fan. It is frustrating when it is your work with snafus… It feels like failure when you are handling other authors work. I am blessed with authors who understand and are patient with me.

Fae corps anthology Under the Mists is available in Ebook format… However as the platform that I chose to use for the paperback is still in Beta… We are looking at a month wait for the paperback. We are still going to be trying to get it in as many hands as possible because these stories are really worth the read.

I am quite sure most of you saw the call for submissions that I shared yesterday. Fae corps has two new anthologies in the works. We are going to do another fae story one, this one about light fae. We are also going to do a poetry collection.

Fae corps is also pleased to announce that we are going to be representing Ms Deedra Nichole in her In a small world series. We are in contract negotiations now, but I have no doubt that we will be able to do it.

I submitted 3 poems in a call for submissions that I found on wordpress. One of the three was accepted. My poem is supposed to be published on August 5th. With all of the feels of failure in the publishing… This felt like a win. I will take it.

Oh… And soon the next edition, the summer edition, of Creative Rising Ezine will be publishing. I will share the link to subscribe as soon as I get it.

Hmmm I think that is everything…. So I will be back tomorrow with some sort of tips on writing…. So for now… Time to gather tea leaves.

This is Thursday

Thursday is my weird day. I have found the groove on every other weekday. So every Thursday I sit here staring at the app on my phone and I wonder what to post. I look through the blogs I follow hoping for a clue… Throwback Thursday…. Hmmm. It would be easy… Just post old pictures… Nah man that is not really fair to the ones that actually do read the blog… Though I may be doing that on patreon today. Posting old art.

I saw one blog this time doing a pay it forward thing. That could be cool… But I have no idea what to do with that.

I am struggling with this because I want something that both is interesting to read(and write) and something that I am likely to engage y’all with. So far I am liking the way Tuesday tunes are working. Monday poetry always seems to be a good thing. And wordless Wednesday is good. Friday prompts and writing tips seems to work. So what the heck do I do with Thursday? Tea party works… But I don’t always have conversation for the tea. A good tea party needs a conversation don’t you think? So talk to me. Tell me what topics you would like me to cover at my tea party. Next week I will do a tea party with recommendations for a good tea and a topic of conversation hopefully suggested by y’all.

Negativity Disguised

So, I am about to rant. I am going to keep it civil… But I thought that meme funny and slightly appropriate. As you know, my new publishing company is doing a release event this week. Well yesterday was Serena’s day to post and bedtime loomed at 3pm as usual. So I was blessed when one of the other authors offered to do a live teaser reading for Serena.

Her reading actually caused ugly happy tears. Her video was full of comfortable homey behavior, very much of the southern charm that her writing is filled with. And somehow our event attracted a troll. This person, and I cannot be certain of their gender so I will be using they/them to refer to them, chose to complain about the sweet rambling on the video.

Yes, they have the right to their opinions. We are trying to sell books, and not everyone is going to want the book that these writers have put their heart and soul into. However, they do not have the right to be rude about it.

I have no problem with expression of opinions. I have a problem with the ones who are just rude in how they express said opinion. This caused the authors in the anthology to do something amazing. In a very professional manner, they came forward to defend one of our own. They did not confront the troll. They tried to reason with the commentor. We ended up deleting that comment tree, because we felt that the negative energy involved was not appropriate for the event.

People… You want to give constructive criticism or feedback? Fine. Be discreet. Be kind. You have no idea what the person is going through. You can be a light or a toxin, the choice really is yours!

Scheduled snafus

Last week I did some posts ahead. I scheduled them in wordpress thinking that would be it. Yeah, it’s never that easy. I have found that as I went in to post the last two posts I was finding ones in my drafts that did not post. I want to thank all of you for your patience. I believe that all of them are now posted. I will go back to posting on time and quit trying to schedule ahead, at least for now.

Talking tech

Technology is a major part of life in today’s world. In writing, and sometimes arting, I often use my phone or a computer. However, I also craft. I make jewelry, with a rare other craft. There are multiple technology options for crafting. Some that do not interest me. What do I even need a cricut machine for anyway?

That being said… There are technology that I have been wanting. Things that I think will open up new design options. Things that will be fun to play with. Technology doesn’t scare me. The only reason why I don’t have more than I do is the cost.

Now, that is not a whine, nor am I begging. Just stating truth. My priorities have always been raising my family over the desire to explore technology.

However, my boyfriend is going to get me a neat little bit of tech that is supposed to be fun to use. Comgrow Creality Ender 3 Pro 3D Printer with Upgrade Cmagnet Build Surface Plate and UL Certified Power Supply 8.6″ x 8.6″ x 9.8″

So in prep I have been researching everything that I can find on it. I can’t wait until I get it.

What bit of tech are you wanting? And why?

Tuesday Tunes

Hello my lovelies! Thank you all for your understanding and well wishes yesterday. I am not back to 100% but I am doing better. This weekend was a lot of me sleeping to recover. Today’s song took me some thinking. I like to use songs that have meaning to me, beyond just me liking it. That way I can perhaps encite a discussion, or try to. So there were several that popped to mind due to indepence day being this week…the one that won the spotlight in my mind isn’t some patriotic theme.

Today I want to talk about Independence Day by Martina McBride.

Well she seemed all right by dawn’s early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak.
She tried to pretend he wasn’t drinkin’ again
But daddy’d left the proof on her cheek.
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day.

Well ,word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground
But she knew she was on the losin’ end.
Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day.

Well, she lit up the sky that fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames
And took down some names
And send me to the county home.
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right or it’s wrong
But maybe it’s the only way.
Talk about your revolution
It’s Independence Day.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day.

Roll the stone away
It’s Independence Day.

This song is so powerful. The lyrics speak so much about the other side of Domestic Violence. The side of those who are helpless, just watching and having no way of stopping that speeding mess.

Thursday Truth

Hi. Alot to cover today…and I am struggling with a migraine, so please forgive me for typos that may occur. Yesterday, I finished writing the poetry for Ink Splashes. I also started the next volume. The title of the next volume is Whispers of the Muse.

I will be working on edits and layout this week. Then next week I should be releasing Ink Splashes. I am also working for Fae Corps this week on the anthology we are releasing, Under the Mists. We have a Publication Date of July 26. We are in the layout/final edit stage there as well. I will tomorrow be posting the promo images we have for Under the mists instead of writing tips due to how covered over in work I am. The last full week in July should also see the release of the summer edition of Creative’s Rising.

I am hoping to next thursday do a release day link page. That is going to require some major layout work this week. I do not know if I will be able to get it done in time. I am going to attempt..I will likely be posting poetry from former volumes for Monday. That saves me from worrying about writing new for it. I will note which volume the poem can be found in.

Thank you all for your support. Now I am going to hide away from the light, as my head is trying to explode.

Thursday Straight Talk (a day early)

Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.

I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.

This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.

I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.

I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.

I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.

I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.

Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.

I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Writing Friday

Writing. Crap. What do I say? Do I sit here and try to explain that, at least for me, writing is something akin to breathing? That there’s never been a time when I didn’t need to put words together? And then I would have to tell you just how it feels to read what I wrote and think that I am not cut out for this. How many people who I know personally who are brilliant at this whole writing gig. Still… I would have to mention that the idea of stopping is actually painful. It has been how I was able to see the answers to life, since before I ever realized that there was a question.

Usually, I try to use the Friday post to give tips, and help with the whole writing and publishing thing. And I think that is great to keep the blog going… But today I was thinking about the reason why I write. Yeah… I could probably claim that I was trying to add beauty. But I don’t generally lie. My art is more how I do beauty. Abstract and pencil drawings to encourage happiness in the eye of the beholder. My children’s books are a way of connecting with my daughter, as they have thus far been stories I told her, or wrote for her. Serena’s stuff is stories that I want to read. But if I am honest with myself… My main writing is my poetry.

My poetry will never be hallmark stuff. My poetry is raw emotion and survival. I have lived a survivors life. My poetry is how I have been able to express myself even when my voice was stolen. I could write my story… Even though I was being told I lied. I could write it and it was accepted because it was poetry. It was written in a way that meant I was non-threatening to those who were part of hurting me. And it was written off as just an angsty teen writing depressing poetry… For don’t we all have that stage?

After I was free, and I was no longer needing verse to speak my truth, well it was still the easiest way to speak my pain. To spread my views. It was habit. I may never be able to sit along with the likes of Poe or Dickenson… But my words will remain. I will be there when another lost soul seeks to know that they are not alone.