Category: struggle

Laziness, busyiness or burnout

I have been doing the publishing stuff since 2010. For my own personal stuff, then I started with Fae Corps in 2019.

I struggle with depression, PTSD, Migraines, and a whole bunch of other health issues. Which is why I don’t do more than I do. Fae Corps does limited books because I don’t have the ability to do anything more.

I use several platforms to publish the books, with a few routines to make the work easier for me to accomplish. And I always leave plenty of time on the deadline so I don’t ever get pressured for time. Hence why we are starting to take the children’s book submissions for the kids week books now.

One of the places that I have used for publishing is draft2digital.com and I will continue to for the ebooks. Their print option however is awful. I stopped using them when we were getting reports of the cover for the books being delivered cockeyed.

Now I do the same place as they did separately. Better quality. The trick for their ebook set up is to prevent them from messing with the layout. So the only way to do that is to provide an epub file… which means I have learned how to make that.

That was in 2020 that I stopped using them for print. I really don’t know what I have been thinking. Someone pointed out that the print was wrong for Through the Sunshine… so I checked. I care about the quality of our books. So I will always check. Yes it is something that I can fix. Something that I should have already done.

Now, I am asking myself. Is the 17 books that I still have to port over a sign of laziness? Or that I have been doing too much? And should I even get upset with myself over the whole thing?

Honestly I think that I am just going to get it done and write it off as a learning experience. If I beat myself up over it, well it will just be longer for me to get it done.

The 17 books are a mix of the early Anthologies for Fae Corps Publishing and some of my poetry volumes. In order to get it fixed I will have to take it off sale on the one place and put it back up on the other two. So I am going to be doing this one book at a time. It should only have each book down for around a week in print only.

I will get each of them updated on their books2read.com links. I plan on posting on fae corps publishing as I have each book updated. This is a ridiculous amount of work and I am probably still going to be dealing with this well into the next year.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

If I could build a fire and burn down my life
That would be the one thing I got right
‘Cause I’m haunted by a shadow that I can’t escape
See it in the mirror right behind my face
I could build a fire and burn down my life
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna ghost myself
Think I’ll take my heart and throw it off a cliff
Yeah I got a feeling that it won’t be missed
Let my body and my mind disintegrate
I don’t want you to see me this way
Think I’ll take my heart and throw it off a cliff
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
If I could do it all over
I’d do it right
Cut loose all of the innocence
If I could do it all over
I’d do it right
Kill the stereotype
And start it all again
Think I’ll take your heart and throw it off a cliff
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna ghost myself

My 2 Cents –

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has regrets. Going back to redo your life…as good as it sounds… you can’t have the good you have without the bad you went through. But there are days. So, On those days… Let us Rock.

Wild Wednesday

Sigh.

I Didn’t know what to talk about. In some ways it was better that way.

Recently, I sent a text to a friend.

He saw that text as an attack, and started to call me a liar. So I lashed out.

I apologized. Then I told him why I said what I did. I told him I felt like I was owed an apology as well. He said he was defending himself and would not apologize for it.

The problem is… I am seeing a six on the ground, and he is seeing a nine. Neither of us are wrong. He felt attacked. Though I was not attacking him, his feelings are valid. But in feeling attacked…He reacted. I then was hurt because he was attacking me…and I reacted. My apology was genuine. I honestly should not have said what I did. It was because he often calls me a liar – I don’t lie. He seems to think that because I am female it is a default…That I am going to always lie. I regret reacting…But I find myself questioning why I am putting myself in the position that this is even an issue.

I think I need new friends.

Because these make me cry. And I am damn tired of crying over people that don’t care.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I, I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments, that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, ’cause
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Yeah
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you’re gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Yeah, yeah
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep your faith, keep your faith
Whoa

My 2 Cents –

The last two weeks have been dark songs… so I purposely went to look at the most uplifting thing I could think of. Not sure if it was just something that I was needing or just a little bit of a boost because I could. Either way… don’t give up. You matter more than you know.

Book Birthday – The Lunatic Asylum Screams

Do you have a copy yet?

Wild Wednesday

I want to talk about writing children’s books.

Especially writing for either self publishing or indie/small publishing firms. When you think of children’s books…the first thing that comes to mind is golden books. Trust me…that is an unrealistic view of what you will be able to publish.

Amazon has the strictest regulations here, but the others are not far from it. In order to have even a Paperback book you need 24 pages. That is not as easy as you think. For Hardcover the requirements jump to 75 pages. For a kid’s book that is nearly impossible.

This is done I am sure due to the cost of printing each book. You also need to consider the cost of each book if you were to set it up as a Hard back. That often adds a factor of almost $10 to a book. How many parents are going to be willing to buy a book from a new author at such a high cost?

Sometimes it is better to start smaller and work your way big. Paperback for an initial release if it is done right can still look nice.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

They cry in the dark
So you can’t see their tears
They hide in the light
So you can’t see their fears
Forgive and forget
All the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child

Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh

It’s all so confusing this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes and then apologize
Be daddy’s good girl, and don’t tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you’ll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell from the swing

Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell, hell is for children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love
With your bones and your flesh

No, hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell, hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell is for children
Hell is for children

My 2 Cents –

Was struggling to find a song for the week and this came across my dash. It’s unfortunate… But I feel this. Childhood should not be something you have to heal from…but for many of us it is.

Wild Wednesday

When I talk about poetry what do you think of?

Personally, I write Free Verse. My reason is simple… I hate dealing with the rules. Other forms require the poet to be aware of syllables or the syntax of the poem. Some require certain rhyme schemes.

I’m working on a volume of poetry entirely done with forms other than free verse – Xactly Poetic.

I am so frustrated with it at the moment. I am at 60 poems. I started with the idea that I was going to do 50… realized that I was being lazy because I always do 70 poems in each volume and I got mad at me.

So I am going to do 70. But it is not as easy as it is for the regular volumes. And I am irritated with myself for wanting to quit.

I have set a self imposed deadline/release date of September 15… that is a I have to get it done and published by that date. Which means I have to get it written by August 15. And I have 10 poems left to write. Ugh. Not normally a problem… so I am hoping that I can get it done.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Well the key to my survival
Was never in much doubt
The question was, how I could keep sane
Trying to find a way out?
Things were never easy for me
Peace of mind was hard to find
And I needed a place where I could hide
Somewhere I could call mine
I didn’t think much about it
‘Til it started happening all the time
Soon I was living with the fear everyday
Of what might happen that night
I couldn’t stand to hear the crying
Of my mother, and I remember when
I swore that that would be the last they’d see of me
And I never went home again
They say that time is a healer
And now my wounds are not the same
I rang the bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he’d say
He sat me down to talk to me
He looked me straight in the eyes
He said
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
“You walked out, you left us behind”
“And you’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Oh, his words how they hurt me, I’ll never forget it
And as the time, it went by, I lived to regret it
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
But where should I go and what should I do?
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
But I came here for help, oh I came here for you
Well the years they passed so slowly
I thought about him everyday
What would I do, if we passed on the street
Would I keep running away?
In and out of hiding places
Soon I’d have to face the facts
We’d have to sit down and talk it over
And that would mean going back
They say that time is a healer
And now my wounds are not the same
But I rang that bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he’d say
He sat me down to talk to me
He looked me straight in the eyes
He said
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
“You’re no son, no son of mine”
“When you walked out, you left us behind”
“And you’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Oh, his words how they hurt me
I’ll never forget it
And as the time, it went by
I lived to regret it
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
But where should I go and what should I do?
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Well I came here for help, oh I was looking for you
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine oh”
“You’re no son” ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah, ha yeah
“You’re no son, you’re no son of mine”
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
You’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
(Oh, oh) You’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
You’re no son (oh, oh), you’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
You’re no son of mine (oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

My 2 Cents –

This is a song that caught my attention in high school. It sparked my empathy then, and really still does. Not all survivors of abuse are the same, but we all know what it feels like…

Wild Wednesday

Today I am struggling.

I have no idea what to say, my jeep is down, has been all month just about.

I love being home, but I don’t usually have to be here if I don’t want to be.

I can’t even walk out to the store because I have an injury on my foot.

So I am feeling a little bit of cabin fever.

I will get past it.

But I don’t know what to post on the blog today because of it.