Category: exhaustion

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

If I had only known the last time would be the last time
I would’ve put off all the things I had to do
I would’ve stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter
Now what I’d give for one more day with you
‘Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing
And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time
But I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased
And knowing yours are healed is healing mine
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now
I know the road you walked was anything but easy
You picked up your share of scars along the way
Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run
The pain is all a million miles away
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven, yeah, are on the hands that hold you now
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, for the hands that hold you now
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you
You live on in all the better parts of me
Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run
Until I finally see what you can see, oh-oh
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now

My 2 Cents –

This is the second time I am posting a grief song. This one is based on my daughter’s pet chicken. She went to sleep and didn’t wake up. Poor baby. So this has been a long weekend.

This year

Photo by Leeloo Thefirst on Pexels.com

I was going over the publishing calendar for the rest of the year. Whew.

2 books in September (one of My books, and one of Serena’s)

4 books in October (One of Mine, 2 Anthologies from Fae Corps, One from Raz T. Slasher)

4 books in November (One from Ashira Datya, One from NK Xero that I am still waiting on the cover and Manuscript for, One of Mine, and One of Serena’s that the link is coming soon for)

Then our Kids week has currently 3 books tentatively planned. One by me, one by Raz T. Slasher, and a third by CM Snow.

And Next year’s schedule is already filling up. January has 2. March already has one. And May has one. There are vague others that have placeholders but no defined date yet. I try to limit my calendar to four per month because sometimes even that is more than I can do.

I feel like I want to do more than I am capable of.

And I still have to squeeze my own writing and life in on the schedule too.

This year has been busier than I am used to. It wears on a person.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

There’s a war inside my head
Sometimes I wish that I was dead, I’m broken
So I call this therapist
And she said girl you can’t be fixed just take this

I’m tired of tryin’ to be normal
I’m always overthinking
I’m driving myself crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy

And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

I’ve been searching city streets
Trying to find the missing piece like you said
And I searched hard only to find
There’s not a single thing that’s wrong with my mind

Yeah, I’m tired of tryin’ to be normal
I’m always over thinking
I’m driving myself crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy

And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy
I’m gonna show you

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you

Crazy, crazy
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Crazy, crazy
Yeah I’m gonna show you
Crazy, crazy yeah

I’m tired of trying to be normal
I’m driving myself crazy

And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

My 2 Cents –

For me today is Sunday. I always schedule the blog when I can on Sunday. Yesterday Arleen Sorkin passed away. Now I doubt that name will mean much to some of you. She was an amazing voice actor. One of the many that brought my favorite Batman villain to life. The first to do so. This song always makes me think of Harley Quinn. So, I am posting it with the wish that whatever her afterlife is be blessed.

Productivity is subjective.

I am fighting a mad right now. I admit it.

Perhaps it is time to step back and look at things from a different point of view.

Boyfriend sneered that he was the only one to do anything productive today.

From his point of view I am sure that is true. After all…He does not read. Everything I did today was to further the amount of books in the world. Either that or scheduling the week here on my blog.

Neither thing is exactly physical for him.

Publishing does not make me a huge paycheck.

What it does do is make me feel better about the world.

The world without books is a very dark place. So many wonderful books end up not getting a chance because the author does not know how to be heard. I am trying to help those authors.

However I suppose if you do not like books then it looks like I am locking myself in my room every Sunday. I am being antisocial and just playing on my computer.

Doing stuff that he does not understand and is not a part of.

While he made up homemade chicken nuggets. (He really is a wonderful cook.)

Usually I at least keep him company while he cooks. Still, He does know that Sunday is my day that I have set aside to do blog, and book stuff. I fight to keep it that way. If I don’t then I would never have anytime allowed. He would expect me to be available all the time. Which is not fair. To me, or to what I want to get done.

So I am mad. I am frustrated. And I feel like I should do more work because I am mad. (I was supposed to join the family game when I got my work done. But now I don’t think it is such a good idea.) However if I do too much at once I court burn out. And I risk mistakes because I am working mad.

So I am sitting here bored. Because spite is a thing too. I did more work than I had slated for today. My arm hurts. I am exhausted. And I just wish I had a way to explain to him that my work is productive too.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Welcome to the city of lies
Where everything’s got a price
It’s gonna be in your favorite place
You can be a movie star
And get everything you want
Just put some plastic on your face
This place is a circus, you just see the surface
They cover shit under the rug
You can’t see they’re faking, they’ll never be naked
Just fill your drink with tonic gin, this is the American dream, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know
Keep drinking and acting cool
Don’t care if your day is blue
Nobody loves a gloomy face, just
Take your pills and dance all night
Don’t think at all, that’s the advice
So c’mon, let’s try, it’s just a taste
This place is a circus, you just see the surface
They cover shit under the rug
You can’t see they’re faking, they’ll never be naked
Just fill your drink with tonic gin, this is the American dream, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know, so
Sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know
So sip the gossip, drink ’til you choke
Sip the gossip, burn down your throat
You’re not iconic, you are just like them all
Don’t act like you don’t know

My 2 Cents –

Gossip is a drug to some. A festering need. It is never truth. It doesn’t fulfill any actual place in society. If you hear anything about me – ask me. I will always tell you what the truth is… you might be surprised at the little amount of truth gossip holds.

Laziness, busyiness or burnout

I have been doing the publishing stuff since 2010. For my own personal stuff, then I started with Fae Corps in 2019.

I struggle with depression, PTSD, Migraines, and a whole bunch of other health issues. Which is why I don’t do more than I do. Fae Corps does limited books because I don’t have the ability to do anything more.

I use several platforms to publish the books, with a few routines to make the work easier for me to accomplish. And I always leave plenty of time on the deadline so I don’t ever get pressured for time. Hence why we are starting to take the children’s book submissions for the kids week books now.

One of the places that I have used for publishing is draft2digital.com and I will continue to for the ebooks. Their print option however is awful. I stopped using them when we were getting reports of the cover for the books being delivered cockeyed.

Now I do the same place as they did separately. Better quality. The trick for their ebook set up is to prevent them from messing with the layout. So the only way to do that is to provide an epub file… which means I have learned how to make that.

That was in 2020 that I stopped using them for print. I really don’t know what I have been thinking. Someone pointed out that the print was wrong for Through the Sunshine… so I checked. I care about the quality of our books. So I will always check. Yes it is something that I can fix. Something that I should have already done.

Now, I am asking myself. Is the 17 books that I still have to port over a sign of laziness? Or that I have been doing too much? And should I even get upset with myself over the whole thing?

Honestly I think that I am just going to get it done and write it off as a learning experience. If I beat myself up over it, well it will just be longer for me to get it done.

The 17 books are a mix of the early Anthologies for Fae Corps Publishing and some of my poetry volumes. In order to get it fixed I will have to take it off sale on the one place and put it back up on the other two. So I am going to be doing this one book at a time. It should only have each book down for around a week in print only.

I will get each of them updated on their books2read.com links. I plan on posting on fae corps publishing as I have each book updated. This is a ridiculous amount of work and I am probably still going to be dealing with this well into the next year.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

If I could build a fire and burn down my life
That would be the one thing I got right
‘Cause I’m haunted by a shadow that I can’t escape
See it in the mirror right behind my face
I could build a fire and burn down my life
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna ghost myself
Think I’ll take my heart and throw it off a cliff
Yeah I got a feeling that it won’t be missed
Let my body and my mind disintegrate
I don’t want you to see me this way
Think I’ll take my heart and throw it off a cliff
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
If I could do it all over
I’d do it right
Cut loose all of the innocence
If I could do it all over
I’d do it right
Kill the stereotype
And start it all again
Think I’ll take your heart and throw it off a cliff
Lately I could kill to be someone else
I wanna ghost myself
Try to stick it out but nothing helps
I wanna ghost myself
I’m a freak, I’m a liar
Cut me out like a virus, oh
I wanna ghost myself
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna ghost myself

My 2 Cents –

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has regrets. Going back to redo your life…as good as it sounds… you can’t have the good you have without the bad you went through. But there are days. So, On those days… Let us Rock.

Wild Wednesday

Sigh.

I Didn’t know what to talk about. In some ways it was better that way.

Recently, I sent a text to a friend.

He saw that text as an attack, and started to call me a liar. So I lashed out.

I apologized. Then I told him why I said what I did. I told him I felt like I was owed an apology as well. He said he was defending himself and would not apologize for it.

The problem is… I am seeing a six on the ground, and he is seeing a nine. Neither of us are wrong. He felt attacked. Though I was not attacking him, his feelings are valid. But in feeling attacked…He reacted. I then was hurt because he was attacking me…and I reacted. My apology was genuine. I honestly should not have said what I did. It was because he often calls me a liar – I don’t lie. He seems to think that because I am female it is a default…That I am going to always lie. I regret reacting…But I find myself questioning why I am putting myself in the position that this is even an issue.

I think I need new friends.

Because these make me cry. And I am damn tired of crying over people that don’t care.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I, I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments, that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, ’cause
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Yeah
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you’re gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Yeah, yeah
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep your faith, keep your faith
Whoa

My 2 Cents –

The last two weeks have been dark songs… so I purposely went to look at the most uplifting thing I could think of. Not sure if it was just something that I was needing or just a little bit of a boost because I could. Either way… don’t give up. You matter more than you know.

Wild Wednesday

I want to talk about writing children’s books.

Especially writing for either self publishing or indie/small publishing firms. When you think of children’s books…the first thing that comes to mind is golden books. Trust me…that is an unrealistic view of what you will be able to publish.

Amazon has the strictest regulations here, but the others are not far from it. In order to have even a Paperback book you need 24 pages. That is not as easy as you think. For Hardcover the requirements jump to 75 pages. For a kid’s book that is nearly impossible.

This is done I am sure due to the cost of printing each book. You also need to consider the cost of each book if you were to set it up as a Hard back. That often adds a factor of almost $10 to a book. How many parents are going to be willing to buy a book from a new author at such a high cost?

Sometimes it is better to start smaller and work your way big. Paperback for an initial release if it is done right can still look nice.