The last two years have been so busy. And I am finding it hard to keep up. When I started with Coffee house writer’s I was easily able to keep up with the schedule I was on. But I have since started doing more here and with Fae Corps. We are doing more in Fae Corps. I am floundering under the weight of the responsibility… So I have made a decision. I am leaving Chw for now. I have already told my wonderful editor. There will be one more post next Monday. Then… I think that I will try to post here more. I am hoping that releasing one responsibility will ease the burden of the rest.
Crawl out of the hole you’re in Who you are is not who you’ve been Now’s the time to sink or swim Will you fight the tide or get lost within And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul Iron bars are hell to break Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake? Your whole life in a blank stare haze You walk around like the end of days And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul I’m callin’ out to you Can you hear me? They can’t break you down Let you hit the ground I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long) You’re feeling overwhelmed here Drowned by the pain and the fear The sun will come with the dawn All you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul… Get your soul…
My 2Cents – Though this song sounds like it is about being depressed, And it most certainly is, I feel like it is about picking yourself back up when you are depressed. I have been here, and it feels impossible. then it doesn’t. Somehow you just survive, and you don’t know how you did it. but you did.
It released yesterday but by the time I finished with the flea market, I was so tired I couldn’t think straight. So I am posting it today. The beta readers all said this was a lovely volume. It is all love poetry and my art.
Lyrics- Smoke a little weed, smoke a little weed I’ve been feelin’ low Pressure in my head, lay awake in bed I’m against the rose Been tryin’ to recover but nothin’ i do works ‘Cause hidin’ under the covers is only makin’ it worse I’m stuck Think this is growin’ up Too much is on my mind, always on my mind Need a little space Spend my days alone, can’t get off my phone Nothing goes my way Miss all of my friends and barely can file my taxes I’m halfway through my twenties Like, how the hell did this happen? I’m stuck My life is in a rut And i’ve been hopin’ these doors might open And i’ll be running from this place, free Constant pacing; this time, i’m wasting I can’t control these emotions in me Growin’ up I think i’ve seen better days, it’s gettin’ tough Always tryna seem like i’m okay I’m growin’ up Whatever that means, anyway I don’t know enough I’m just growin’ up Girlfriend wanna chill, girlfriend wanna chill I’ve been workin’ late I don’t got no time, workin’ all the time Too much on my plate And i don’t wanna fail, i’m bringin’ myself stress I can’t sit on my sofa, i’m lost and depressed And stuck I can’t say that enough Anxiety is high, i can’t even lie I’m not doin’ great Dishes in the sink, think i need a drink They gon’ have to wait Stay inside my room that now’s become a prison I hate these four walls, but only feel safe in ’em I’m stuck But no one gives a fuck And i’ve been hopin’ these doors might open And i’ll be running from this place, free Constant pacing; this time, i’m wasting I can’t control these emotions in me Growin’ up I think i’ve seen better days, it’s gettin’ tough Always tryna seem like i’m okay I’m growin’ up Whatever that means, anyway I don’t know enough I’m just growin’ up Growin’ up I think i’ve seen better days, it’s gettin’ tough Always tryna seem like i’m okay I’m growin’ up Whatever that means, anyway I don’t know enough I’m just growin’ up Growin’ up
My 2 Cents – Well here lately I have been wondering who made me a grown up? I am struggling with responsibility and the urge to just have fun…so I really related to this one. I can’t imagine with the last year being the way it has that I am alone. so my song choice reflects it. It is ok to feel like you want to have fun, just don’t let it make you do something stupid.
Blogging is harder than it looks. There’s timing, hashtags, content, and readers to consider. When you first start, if you are anything like I was, you think that you really are less than interested in sticking to a schedule… more that you just want to get what you have to say heard.
Then you start seeing that you are being seen more… Hence people are seeing what you have to say… And it becomes the thing to stick with a schedule (something I am still struggling with)…
So you find yourself searching through the daily Hashtags to find something that both fits your blog and is easy to do content for. You realize that the blog is in control.
I think that I am just not going to plan for Friday. If I feel like posting I will. Thursday is going to stay chaotic as a true mad tea party should be chaotic. (Even if the poet hosting the party is only half mad…). So I think that the blog posts that I share regularly will be Monday poetry, Tuesday Tunes, and Wordless Wednesday. Even the weeks where I am struggling I can usually do those 3.
It was suggested that I do a Follow Friday… Problem is it does not fit my blog. It’s too calm for my crazy
I don’t often post pictures of my daughter or myself, not on here. Today it seems important. I got a call this morning, while making breakfast and listening to her laughter as her and her dad were picking at each other.
I took her to the doctor yesterday. She is asthmatic, and her left lung has been hurting for a couple of days. She also had other concerns and needed shots. So the doc sent her for a chest X-ray.
That call was the nurse from the Doctor’s office. The X-ray came back as she has pneumonia. They want a covid test. And my heart dropped into my stomach. Since the pandemic hit we have been very careful. We don’t go anywhere, at least nowhere unnecessary. We are both asthmatic and her dad has emphysema. The whole lot of us are high risk.
So I am scared. I have a 16 year old stubborn girl who is going to need to rest… and like her mama, she is not inclined towards rest often. She is a busy bee with multiple things that she is wanting to do at any given moment.
We are just about to go out to get her covid test… and I am worried.
So I am probably not going to be posting this week due to this. I will be back next week, and I am going to try to be more active. thank you for understanding.
This has been a crazy month so far. Fae Corps is releasing 4 anthologies on the 31st, and I have been busy getting them ready for release. Then I get a seasonal crud. So I have been sick for the last two days.
I am starting to feel better and I look into the blogs (as I am often the one that maintains the Fae Corps blog). I did a few planned posts and decided to read the blogs that I follow to find a few to spotlight. Y’all! I literally had an angry comment on one of the shared posts claiming that I posted it without permission. I have taken the post down, unfollowed the blog in question, and blocked them so I will not accidentally see them and reblog anything by them.
I was under the impression that reblogging gave the post more reach. Which seems like more people seeing what you wrote is better? I don’t know.
I am not going to dwell on this. Instead I will let you know that we have a newsletter now (see the Fae Corps blog). We are always looking for stories and poems to feature on both. I like to link directly to the persons site when I feature people.
I have a few more people in our author spotlight file to still post on the blog… I have not forgotten. Once the meet the author for the new anthologies are done I will be returning to focus on those.
I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.
That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.
Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.
I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.
Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.
That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.
I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.
You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.
I normally juggle the balls in my life reasonably well. Author, blogger, editor, formatter, artist, friend, CHW poet, poet, game master, cover designer, mom, teacher, housewife, publisher….
These hats all are comfortable. I can deal with the multiple things happening at once. Not Today. this week has been one nightmare after another. Me making mistakes that I normally avoid.
Including missing posts on my blog. And then realizing that I am too stressed to know what to post all week. Fae corps has 4 volumes coming out at once(fae dreams, and 3 volumes of Nightmare Whispers) and one of the volumes is causing Technical difficulties.(Fae Dreams). Said difficulties are because I missed details, so I am being extra hard on myself. I am fighting those gremlins that come from it. However I am dropping balls because of it. I will try to get a couple of things back on track and figure out something to post. So please stay tuned…this may be an unusual week….but bear with me.
I may just post a couple of reviews to get me through the rest of the week….
Before I do this… I apologize for the late posts the last couple of days… I have been helping a friend and I have been late getting home. Usually I will do the posts while out if need be, but I was the driver this time. Stretches my ability to get things done.
Lyrics – Crawl out of the hole you’re in Who you are is not who you’ve been Now’s the time to sink or swim Will you fight the tide or get lost within And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul Iron bars are hell to break Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake? Your whole life in a blank stare haze You walk around like the end of days And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul I’m callin’ out to you Can you hear me? They can’t break you down Let you hit the ground I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long) You’re feeling overwhelmed here Drowned by the pain and the fear The sun will come with the dawn All you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul… Get your soul…
My 2 cents – this is a song about learning how to be strong after a struggle. Don’t let the world destroy you. It’s a good song, and it feels like a good message.
Pattimouse 