Category: self introspection

Body positivity

                This topic is one i fully support.  Now understand,  even though i am a big girl,  it’s all bodies and body types i think we need to be positive of. No one should feel ugly for not fitting a certain body type. Unfortunately,  as a society,  we fail our children.  We teach them to worry about appearance far more than we should.  There is starting to be a movement that is helping.  Tess Holiday and her #effyourbeautystandards. However many see it as a fat positive movement.   While yes it is, it is also about beauty in all forms.  It’s about no longer judging anyone based on appearance alone. My daughter is twelve.  She is chubby.  And so I have had to work hard to have her with a good self esteem.  She really is beautiful.

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  However because of the beauty standards of others,  she doesn’t feel like she is. So yes,  as a woman,  as a mother of a beautiful girl,  I really like the body positive movement.  Every body has flaws. Every body is beautiful.  It’s really all in how you look at it.

Madness is subjective

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                         Life has a funny way of pushing forward,  no matter how we want to stop and reevaluate.  I have spent a significant portion of my life considering sanity.  Afraid of being mad, and trying to prevent that slide into deeper pockets of madness.  I joke that I am as sane as I have ever been… but to be honest I am not sure sanity is something that truly exists.  I think as a whole the human race has slowly been decending into a state of madness.  We put such a stigma on it.  Just in America there are millions who suffer….yes millions.  a statistics site about mental health. So why do we make these people feel worse for their suffering?  I think it’s a form of fear.  We fear what similarity we see in them.  So we push it away.  Instead, we should try to understand that which drives the mind down such different paths.

Individual I

Blending in,
For now everyone
Has the traits
That used to mark me
As unique.

My idiosyncrasies
Are now community,
Nothing new or remarkable
In my mind today.

Was individual,
And even slightly weird,
Now everyone does
What i began.

So now i sit
And slightly sigh.
For looking around,
And dreaming that I
Could return to the time
When I was unique
Just once more.

The difficulty of historical accuracy

              My work in process,  Elizabeth,  is split between two different times. The first is 1494. Now i can keep it historically accurate.  I have done the research.  However,  I am running into a flow issue… as well as a language synaptic issue.  I know where i want to carry the story.  It will be a romantic adventure circling around two women in the same family a century apart. I have posted the first chapter.  I have chapter two written.  It’s the third chapter where things fall apart.
.                    I wonder if it would be better just to write the story then go back and edit the language. I am not sure I really want to have the complete historical accuracy anyway.  The language back then was extremely dry and wordy. Thus far I have only kept a slight accuracy. This story has been a W.I.P. for over 20 years.  It would be nice to finally finish it.

Music

        Before i start down this road,  let me explain.  My music tastes are eclectic,  in the extreme. I really am all over the spectrum.  I listen to classical,  country,  rock, pop, jazz, reggae, hip-hop,  even the occasional rap song. Although i do take moods where i pick a genre or theme.  I am always looking for new songs to listen to.
               Now that being said there is some amazing music out. I was looking tonight into “girl power ” songs.  Sarah maclachlan, Kelly Clarkson,  halestorm…etc. I am knocked speechless by the way some of the songs that i find speak my life so clearly. As a writer I wonder if it means everything i can imagine has already been done.  However there is peace in knowing someone out there understands….

Birthdays

    Isn’t life funny? As a child,  a birthday is very magical day.  It’s always a milestone.  However,  with age, we stop seeing birthdays with as much glee. I think it’s tied to gifts and responsibilities. 
           Growing old should be more about becoming wise. Still as an adult it’s often a lonely day where we wonder where happened to us. Another day around the sun. We look at what we have accomplished,  and many of us feel bad. I want the wonder back. 
           I really couldn’t care about the gifts,  or lack of. But i would like a day where i don’t look in the mirror and see a failure,  for my lack of meeting some grand accomplishment goal. A day where growing older just feels like i am growing wiser. I am glad my daughter is still young enough to relish her birthday. I hope she never loses the magic of it.

Writing topics and reluctant writer’s

       Okay I keep going back to my list for A. I am having trouble writing what’s left.  Not because I am unable,  or incapable.  Because I am too close.  Everything I would write about Abuse or sexuality might end up as angry ranting instead of the general musing I try for. Asking and assuming would sound( and did, as I tried those topics)  confused and lost.  Generally not a good read. Animals, while a simple topic,  are another that would just be a general topic without an angle to make the entry worthy of the read.
              In some ways,  I see that as a general fault in most writer’s.  Writing without passion and a clear head just makes an awful read. Know your limits.  Find a topic you enjoy and aren’t too angry over. Or at least not so emotionally invested that writing becomes nothing but a rant. Emotionally invested is only really good for poetry and op ed pieces.  I save most of those topics for poetry.  Had I not been sleep deprived,  my A list may have been more carefully made. So I will sleep on it, think carefully about it…and post my topics for B on the morrow.

Allowance

     How does one teach a child how to use money?  By giving them an allowance,  of course.  It has always been curious to me as to how to decide how much to pay your kids.  I chose $1 a day for my daughter.  And if she misbehaves then in can cost between a quarter to a full day worth.  Yet,  I find myself wondering if it actually prepares her for deal with money.  After all she doesn’t have bills. 
        I have seen parenting pages that speak of working it more like a job.  Assigning a cost for their chores. This is an option but I feel like that makes chores less responsibility and more a job.  So then you need another method of teaching responsibility.
         So I am always looking for the best when it comes to raising my girl.  And so far,  I haven’t found a better way of dealing with allowance.  For now,  it’s money so she can have a measure of independent thought and learn at least a little lesson on handling money. 

Experiments in social media

               I am attached to my phone.  I use it for everything,  from games to writing.  So Facebook tends to be something i look to for promotion of my publication and for social interaction.  (Not that I am a weird shut in, or something…. lol).
              So in order to spark the muse, occasionally,  I post things to Facebook.  The latest was a challenge to my friends.  I explained that I might use the answers for fodder for blogging. If cost wasn’t a factor,  what would they want to gift me for my birthday.  Would it be serious or a gag? I am not sure what i expected. 
             I got touching responses. Many were the same.  Mostly everyone would give me improved health and happiness, unlimited books and art supplies,  and peace for my daughter and I. When I made the post,  I think I had a perception of more materialistic answers.  Which would not have fit me. I don’t know why I expected it. I am surprised however that there were no gag suggestions.  Hmmm perhaps it says something about me that my friends are all wanting peace of mind and happiness for me. I am sure however that I have been blessed in the friends I have.

My thoughts

       So much a year can change . Life kicked me hard in the head exactly a year ago today. I am a survivor,  so i did what i do. I survived.  I struggled and learned.  The stability i desired so badly,  i have obtained. And what matters most is what i held onto. So for those who are struggling and feel that their world has fallen apart, i say hold on…things do get better.