We were good, we were gold Kinda dream that can’t be sold We were right ’til we weren’t Built a home and watched it burn Mm, I didn’t wanna leave you I didn’t wanna lie Started to cry but then remembered I I can buy myself flowers Write my name in the sand Talk to myself for hours Say things you don’t understand I can take myself dancing And I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can Can love me better I can love me better, baby Can love me better I can love me better, baby Paint my nails, cherry red Match the roses that you left No remorse, no regret I forgive every word you said Ooh, I did not wanna leave you, baby I didn’t wanna fight Started to cry but then remembered I I can buy myself flowers Write my name in the sand Talk to myself for hours, yeah Say things you don’t understand I can take myself dancing, yeah I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can Can love me better I can love me better, baby Can love me better I can love me better, baby Can love me better I can love me better, baby Can love me better Oh, I I did not wanna leave you I didn’t wanna fight Started to cry but then remembered I I can buy myself flowers (oh) Write my name in the sand (mmh) Talk to myself for hours (yeah) Say things you don’t understand (never will) I can take myself dancing, yeah I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than Yeah, I can love me better than you can Can love me better I can love me better, baby (oh) Can love me better I can love me better (than you can), baby Can love me better I can love me better, baby Can love me better I
My 2 Cents – oh, my. I do love a well written song. She has something here… admitted it is not the best lyrics but the idea behind the song is strong. Anyone who has been in a relationship and is now looking at being alone can tell you that you need to learn how to learn how to love you again. I love me just fine. She does just fine with this one.
I don’t know what you had in mind But here we stand on opposing sides
Let’s go to war Let’s go to war
We arm ourselves with the wrongs we’ve done Name them off one by one
Let’s go to war Let’s go to war
Everything you say Everything you do You push it in And you cut me down And you cut me down
War, war, war
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe
Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe?
Hush my baby; make no sound Maybe we can wait each other out It’s a cold war Let’s go to war
With every settled score I thought that fighting with meant fighting for But you turn it around But you turn it around
War, war, war
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe Screaming at the ones we love
Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe
Do we feel safe? Do we feels safe? Do we feel safe?
Do we censor or do we flow? Are we drunk on the chemicals? Every feeling in my bones tells me to lash out And tell you to fuck off
You’ve got my heart And I’ve got your soul But are we better off alone?
With every battle we lose a little more Remember everything that we’d die for You are everything that I’d die for
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds that we feel safe
Screaming at the ones we love Like we forgot who we can trust Screaming at the top of our lungs On the grounds where we feel safe
Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe? Do we feel safe?
My 2 Cents – I thought I should talk about the title for my current volume. Internal Battlefields. I feel like all mental health is an internal war. we fight a battle every day against our own minds. This song feels like the anthem for this volume. So, LET’S GO TO WAR!
Strike first Make it hurt When everyone assumes the worst I never have to say I’m sorry Spiteful Ruinous I’m all things you feared I was Another villain in your story You think that I’m a spitfire? You should Afraid you’re on my bad side? That’s good If I wanted to end you I could I could I’m sinking down If you only knew how hard it is For me to climb out I’m kicking and screaming But no one can hear me So what happens now? The shadows are creeping in I didn’t ask for I didn’t ask for this Cold rage Hides the shame Of images I can’t escape Scars that live under the surface It’s strange What I became When part of me was ripped away And replaced with something worthless You think that I’m a spitfire? You should Afraid you’re on my bad side? That’s good If I wanted to end you I could I could I’m sinking down If you only knew how hard it is For me to climb out I’m kicking and screaming But no one can hear me So what happens now? The shadows are creeping in I didn’t ask for I didn’t ask for this Take what’s left Of my fractured heart Bloodstained ’cause The pieces are so sharp Take what’s left Of my fractured heart Bloodstained ’cause The pieces are so sharp I’m sinking down If you only knew how hard it is For me to climb out I’m kicking and screaming But no one can hear me So what happens now? The shadows are creeping in I didn’t ask for I didn’t ask for this Never forget I didn’t ask for this
My 2 Cents – this time of year is so freaking hard. No one asks for the mental health issues. No one asks for trauma. No one asks for the feeling like they are just unlovable…yet…so many people feel like they are. It costs you nothing to be kind, to be patient.
Put your make up on Get your nails done Curl your hair Run the extra mile Keep it slim So they like you, do they like you?
Get your sexy on Don’t be shy, girl Take it off This is what you want, to belong So they like you, do you like you?
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to give it all away You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try Yooou don’t have to try
Ohh
Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards You don’t have to choose, buy it all Do they like you? Do they like you?
Wait a second, Why should you care, what they think of you When you’re all alone, by yourself Do you like you? Do you like you?
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to give it all away You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to bend until you break You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try Yooou don’t have to try
Noooo Oooh
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to give it all away You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try You don’t have to try
Take your make up off Let your hair down Take a breath Look into the mirror, at yourself Don’t you like you? Cause I like you
My 2 Cents – Most of you know I spend quite a bit of time on Tiktok…and this has become quite the popular song there. It is such a powerful message. We spend so much of our time trying to be something for the world around us…and often we don’t see the parts of ourselves that are actually worthwhile. I have never had a good view of myself…so I fight to see my own worth. The message here hits.
Let me preface this by saying that I don’t know what I am changing yet…if anything. I am entering a little bit of a restructuring of my own life and social media. I still plan on being here. I am still me. However, I recently broke ties to a friend of over a decade. This has been coming for the past year. It should surprise no one.
I don’t know if I have anything to change, however a decade of shared speces and shared faces means that I at the very least have to consider the change… and the backlash it will have on the people around me. Though I share easily my life here, I don’t feel like I should be pointing fingers at others and writing their sins. What is toxic to me may not be to them. We can each only tell our own truth… whatever that may be.
I do post on social media vague rants and those who are close to me can figure it out…but I don’t point fingers. I don’t feel like it is my place to call someone out. It is my place to try and work through my own emotions and my reaction to the situation. Hence why I vague post. They are my way to work through the issue. Comments end up helping me to see if I am way out in left field or missing something.
Right now I am feeling grief. I am processing it. I am pulling myself away from the shared spaces. I am also refusing to allow my grief to stop the forward motion of Fae Corps. She requested that her books be pulled. She has decided to cut the ties completely. I think that is probably the best idea, as I will continue to get hurt otherwise. She left me feeling like I am hard to love, and hard to get along with. That is my responsibility to deal with.
I am back to dealing with this blog and the Fae Corps blog. I spent all day Sunday getting it dealt with, and I am determined to keep my blog from falling behind. Maybe I will have an easier time doing so with my mind not distracted by the issues I was facing.
Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…
Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.
I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.
I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.
*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.
So my daughter and I were talking. I told her I was happy that she was comfortable enough when the kitchen flooded to cuss at me. To me that feels like she was able to express herself without worrying that I would be angry about it. I am big on self expression, which should surprise no one. She said that her therapist encouraged her to use whatever language she felt the need to express the thoughts in her head. *This is where I should note that we really don’t know any other language except American English. We know a few smattering of words in other languages, but not enough to be a fluency of it’s own…but swearing…well…yeah We swear like sailors around here. She mentioned that my mom had said that swearing shows a lack of intelligence. I so completely disagree. I think that it often is looked down upon, but there are times when a good creative swear (note I said creative) shows more intelligence than not. And not always does the swear have to be dirty. One of my favorites is a foreign (for me) word that means shame on you.
I have tried to make my home a place that my kids can call to express anything. I don’t judge them for speaking their minds. They can literally tell me anything. I am their safe space. For me that is what home should be. It is not what all of us had.
I was going to do the usual poetry update today…but my kitchen sink busted last night…well a piece of it did. We have a hose attachment that allows us directly to use water (my dishwasher is a portable) and the hose busted. It is not going to be an expensive fix. Just was a panic at 2 in the morning because of the flooded kitchen. It got me thinking, much as most incidents like that do.
My daughter was the one who had found the flooded kitchen, and bless her she immediately went to work cleaning up the mess. She sent me messages to wake me up. She was comfortable enough to curse at me for not answering the phone (I was actually in a deep sleep for a change). I wonder if I would have ever been so with my mom.
We had a conversation while we were stuck at Walmart about what our favorite dinosaur was (hers is a Saurolophus, mine has always been a triceratops) and I adore the little things that I can get to share with her. (The dinosaur conversation was initiated due to a figit toy she had in her purse. A club tailed dino filled with sand that can be manipulated various ways.)
I don’t remember ever being comfortable enough talking to my mom about anything. My doctor finds my mom and I to be a funny topic. I told her (doctor) that My mom still is blaming me for a virus I had as a teenager. I had infantigo when I was around 11 or 12. Mom is still convinced that I caused it by picking at it. And even though I am in my late 40’s brought it up as I was going to cause myself to get it again. The doctor thinks it’s funny. It is a bit of the epiphany for me.
I always expect my daughter to be amazing. Even if she has a bad day, she is going to be amazing. Nothing can change my mind on that. My mom expects the worst about me. She always has, always will… and I have to stop letting her voice color my self view I have spent 47 years trying to be good enough for a woman who is never going to see me as adequate. Time to change my aim.
Pattimouse 