Category: Self esteem

The Things We Do

Tonight the voice is loud.

That voice that says I am not enough.

No matter how much I do. No matter what I list as my accomplishments.

I refuse to listen. So I have been in defiance doing art and writing.

Though I see it as flawed…my view of my art and writing always says that there is no reason why anyone would like it…

I have purposely not been allowing my inner voice the ability to take control.

It is an actual fight.

Tonight I am winning.

The art above was done tonight.

Echoes is now 65/70 poems

Serena’s Gathered Bones is at 13/70 poems

Kingdoms of sin got another 500 words tonight.

There is a story started for Fae Corps publishing’s Spring anthology.

And I did another digital landscape.

I have still got work that needs done. Things that are sitting on my desk with a needs attention tag on them…but tonight I was in the wrong headspace for editing and for making sure that things looked their best. Tonight I did my best to create.

Because when you are feeling like you are not enough – MAKE MORE! so I did.

And if it is flawed…well some of the best loved things are flawed. that does not make them loved any less.

Wild Wednesday

So Jenny Elliott – Friend, Intern, all around I cannot live without her in my life type person…asked me what the list was for the anthology publication. (The To-do List that is)

I told her it is the same for each book…and I sat and thought about what that means for the anthologies, for my books, and for each book I work with.

  1. I need a front and rear cover to work with.
  2. I need a clean formatted and edited manuscript to work with.
  3. I need a blurb, and an author list.
  4. I need a Release date.

I often am the designer for the covers my company publishes. That makes having them easier. There are a couple of authors that provide their own covers but most just go with the ones I make.

The authors often just send me the written stories. I put in the formatting and edit it as I go. Many of them have the writing edited before I see it, but not all. Formatting is putting in order – Title page, a copyright page, Contents, Chapters, About the Author, About the Publisher.

Some authors write their blurbs, some expect me to write it. Either way, It is not as difficult as writing the entire story. The author list is an obvious thing…

The release date is based on how many others I have in the calendar at a time. The limitation is mostly me. I can only do so many of these at a time.

Okay I have the manuscript…now what? I use Draft2digital, Amazon, Google Play Books all for Ebooks. D2d has the best expanded Distribution. Amazon has the best reach in general. Google….well…why not? I do Not Like D2d’s Print. So for print I use Amazon and Barnes and Nobles press.

Then I have to deal with Marketing. I try to do the same type of images for every book. Do I always manage it? No, not really. I have way too much going on…and often this is where I drop balls. Ideally, I want for each book to do a cover reveal image set. I want to do 3 teaser images. I also want to share an about the author image for each book. Now the last one can be made once and often reshared for multiple books. An Author does not often change their bio. Mine has changed perhaps once a year. Mostly because I have changed where I am focused. Some authors never need to change theirs. I also like to occasionally do “Coming Soon” images…for example….

It’s simple and really only gives the link and the cover. This gives people the urge to go check it out. Then once you have them…spread those images everywhere.

So that is a peek into my world.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

Since I was 17
I’ve always hated my body
And it feels like my body’s hated me
Can somebody find me a pill
To make me un-afraid of me?

Seen every therapist, but I’m a cynical bitch
Don’t like to talk about my feelings
I take another hit, I find another fake fix
‘Cause it’s easier than healing

I don’t wanna be this way forever
Keep telling myself that I’ll get better
Every time I try, I always stop me
Maybe I’m just scared to be happy

Since I was 22
I’ve been with somebody who loves me
And I’ve been tryna believe it’s true
But my head always messes up my heart
No matter what I do

Seen every therapist, but I’m a cynical bitch
Don’t like to talk about my feelings
I take another sip, I swear it’s my last fix
‘Cause it’s easier than healing

‘Cause I don’t wanna be this way forever
Keep telling myself that I’ll get better
Every time I try, I always stop me
Maybe I’m just scared to be happy
I don’t wanna be this way forever
Keep telling myself that I’ll get better
Every time I try, I always stop me
Maybe I’m just scared to be happy

Maybe I’m just scared to be happy
Maybe I’m just scared to be happy

I’m so scared of having something to lose
I’m scared of being somebody new
I’m so scared of all them seeing the truth
‘Cause right now I’ve got nothing

But I don’t wanna be this way forever
Keep telling myself that I’ll get better
Every time I try, I always stop me
Maybe I’m just scared to be happy

Maybe I’m just scared to be happy (Maybe, yeah)
Maybe I’m, I’m scared to be happy

My 2 Cents –

This song has been haunting my playlist consistently for the last month. I wonder if the universe has been dropping me a hint.

Wild Wednesday

So I have started working on Serena’s Gathered Bones.

I have also started working on her Heaven’s Forgotten Tales. Which is basically a gathering of stories and poetry from her that she has published in various places. Much as Apocalypse athenuem is.

I realized that I am writing more – both as Patricia and as Serena Mossgraves. That I am doing a lot more daily work than I used to. So I might actually go through the future volumes I have prepared covers for…

So I am considering doing some covers for the fun of doing the cover design. And I am wondering if I should plan a future volume for Serena as well as for me.

It ends up being a little bit of a question as to whether or not I have been playing with the poetry with her or if she should continue to write it.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

He was a-
Ya know it
He was a-
I was walking down the street
When out the corner of my eye
I saw a pretty little thing approaching me
She said, I’ve never seen a man
Who looks so all alone
Uh, could you use a little company?
If you pay the right price
Your evening will be nice
And you can go and send me on my way
I said, “You’re such a sweet young thing
Why’d you do this to yourself?”
She looked at me and this is what she said
“Oh, there ain’t no rest for the wicked
Money don’t grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain’t nothing in this world for free
I know I can’t slow down
I can’t hold back
Though you know
I wish I could
Oh, no there ain’t no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good”
Not even 15 minutes later
I’m still walking down the street
When I saw the shadow of a man creep out of sight
And then he swept up from behind
He put a gun up to my head
He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a fight
He said, “Give me all you’ve got
I want your money not your life
But if you try to make a move, I won’t think twice”
I told him, “You can have my cash
But first you know I got to ask
What made you want to live this kind of life?”
He said, “There ain’t no rest for the wicked
Money don’t grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain’t nothing in this world for free
I know I can’t slow down
I can’t hold back
Though you know, I wish I could
Oh no there ain’t no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good”
Yeah
You know it
He was a-
You know it
He was a-
Well, now a couple hours passed
And I was sitting at my house
The day was winding down and coming to an end
And so I turned on the TV
And flipped it over to the news
And what I saw I almost couldn’t comprehend
I saw a preacher man in cuffs
He’d taken money from the church
He’d stuffed his bank account with righteous dollar bills
But even still I can’t say much
Because I know we’re all the same
Oh yes, we all seek out to satisfy those thr byills
You know there ain’t no rest for the wicked
Money don’t grow on trees
We got bills to pay
We got mouths to feed
There ain’t nothing in this world for free
I know we can’t slow down
We can’t hold back, though you know, we wish we could
Oh no, there ain’t no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good

My 2 Cents –

This week was a headache day for me on schedule day. So I chose an upbeat song.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

If I had only known the last time would be the last time
I would’ve put off all the things I had to do
I would’ve stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter
Now what I’d give for one more day with you
‘Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing
And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time
But I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased
And knowing yours are healed is healing mine
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now
I know the road you walked was anything but easy
You picked up your share of scars along the way
Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run
The pain is all a million miles away
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven, yeah, are on the hands that hold you now
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, for the hands that hold you now
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you
You live on in all the better parts of me
Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run
Until I finally see what you can see, oh-oh
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now

My 2 Cents –

This is the second time I am posting a grief song. This one is based on my daughter’s pet chicken. She went to sleep and didn’t wake up. Poor baby. So this has been a long weekend.

Wild Wednesday

So…Harley Quinn.

Yeah she’s my favorite Batman villain. But is she really a villain? or more of an anti-hero?

It really depends much on point of view. The problem is always POV.

For Harley. She is the Main character.

For Bruce Wayne, He is.

And realistically the same is true in any story. If you pick up a book and look at it from another character’s view…that character is not going to see themselves as a secondary character. Would you? If say you were in the DC Universe and hanging around the Daily Planet…would you see yourself as a extra in the story? No! So, from your POV you are the main character.

Harley would not see herself as a villain…

She is crazy, but not entirely without a idea of right and wrong. I believe she would see herself more as an antihero or as someone with a really nasty case of bad luck.

Which opens up so many options for the character in storylines.

I think sometimes just understanding the POV helps us to understand and perhaps flesh out the characters we write better. I think it also helps us empathize better with fictional characters on a different level as well.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-

There’s a war inside my head
Sometimes I wish that I was dead, I’m broken
So I call this therapist
And she said girl you can’t be fixed just take this

I’m tired of tryin’ to be normal
I’m always overthinking
I’m driving myself crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy

And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

I’ve been searching city streets
Trying to find the missing piece like you said
And I searched hard only to find
There’s not a single thing that’s wrong with my mind

Yeah, I’m tired of tryin’ to be normal
I’m always over thinking
I’m driving myself crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy

And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy
I’m gonna show you

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you

Crazy, crazy
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Crazy, crazy
Yeah I’m gonna show you
Crazy, crazy yeah

I’m tired of trying to be normal
I’m driving myself crazy

And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

My 2 Cents –

For me today is Sunday. I always schedule the blog when I can on Sunday. Yesterday Arleen Sorkin passed away. Now I doubt that name will mean much to some of you. She was an amazing voice actor. One of the many that brought my favorite Batman villain to life. The first to do so. This song always makes me think of Harley Quinn. So, I am posting it with the wish that whatever her afterlife is be blessed.

Productivity is subjective.

I am fighting a mad right now. I admit it.

Perhaps it is time to step back and look at things from a different point of view.

Boyfriend sneered that he was the only one to do anything productive today.

From his point of view I am sure that is true. After all…He does not read. Everything I did today was to further the amount of books in the world. Either that or scheduling the week here on my blog.

Neither thing is exactly physical for him.

Publishing does not make me a huge paycheck.

What it does do is make me feel better about the world.

The world without books is a very dark place. So many wonderful books end up not getting a chance because the author does not know how to be heard. I am trying to help those authors.

However I suppose if you do not like books then it looks like I am locking myself in my room every Sunday. I am being antisocial and just playing on my computer.

Doing stuff that he does not understand and is not a part of.

While he made up homemade chicken nuggets. (He really is a wonderful cook.)

Usually I at least keep him company while he cooks. Still, He does know that Sunday is my day that I have set aside to do blog, and book stuff. I fight to keep it that way. If I don’t then I would never have anytime allowed. He would expect me to be available all the time. Which is not fair. To me, or to what I want to get done.

So I am mad. I am frustrated. And I feel like I should do more work because I am mad. (I was supposed to join the family game when I got my work done. But now I don’t think it is such a good idea.) However if I do too much at once I court burn out. And I risk mistakes because I am working mad.

So I am sitting here bored. Because spite is a thing too. I did more work than I had slated for today. My arm hurts. I am exhausted. And I just wish I had a way to explain to him that my work is productive too.

Monday Poetry

I oopsed and undid my Monday poetry post from this week…so here it is again…one from me and one from Serena…