Category: Self esteem

Too much on my mind to write fiction, so here is a dish of truth.

Identity is not something that is set in stone.  Even though society seems to see it that way. As a  child of the eighties,  the mere idea of gender fluidity was absurd.  You were either a boy,  or a  girl. And the closest to fluidity was being a tomboy or a nancyboy. Either way,  you were bullied.  And the “no bully” thing wasn’t going on then.  Now mind you,  I am not complaining.  It was just how life was.  I am pleased to see the progress.  For me,  the idea of creating who I am now,  well it is part of what I want in life.  For others it is definitely more painful.

I am “one of the guys” most of the time.  The first person who told me that,  Scared me.  As being one of the guys meant that I was flawed,  somehow less female. Still in truth,  it is how I am.  I am happy working with my hands,  no make-up,  simple hair and pants.  Once in a blue moon,  I will get girly.  Dress up in flowing skirts and soft boots.  I love science and nature,  and not just the flowers.  I have helped to do landscaping.  I have spent time in the pit at the track.  I spent summers working on farms.  Oh what is that?  Girls can do that too?  Well yeah… But I was seen as masculine because of it. I was the center for my high school football team (at one of them.)  And could out bench the football team (at another).  So does that make me a guy?  No not really.  I think that is the problem.  Identity tends to be based on stupid things.

For me,  Identity should be less about male/female and more about what you make of yourself.  I am not male.  I am not female… I fall somewhere in between.  I am a poet. I am a mother.  I am a writer.  I am an artist.  I am human.  I am a gamer.  I am…….

Random thoughts.

Random thoughts as I travel to the store.

That willow is so lovely.  How many stories hang within?

Hope my neighbor gets better.  Her cough is scary.

Such a pretty red bird. Wonder what it is called?

Someone really needs to cut the grass. Lovely little creatures might be hiding within.

Really need to finish the last page of the princess lost. Just so busy today.

What should I make for dinner?  Really not hungry.

I miss my best friend.

Small towns are fun…to visit.  I want to live in the middle of nowhere.

I want to go to college,  but I wonder for what.  No longer interested in computer programming. And taking a  course in creative writing scares me badly.  I fear I will find out how bad my writing is.

The older I get the less I like people.  Is hermit an option?

I need milk. Good grief,  i made a list, quit worrying about forgetting to get things.

 

 

 

 

Life, Death, and suicide.

Many of my friends suffer depression,  and I am not untouched by it. Although when asked if I have ever been suicidal,  well only once. When I was given medicine for the depression as a teen, the medicine made me want death.  For me,  i see it different usually.  I have heard other survivors say it,  and truth is really so much more than the words say. I don’t want to die, however on my darkest days,  I do wish I had never been born. Days where the pain feels more than I am able to bear, when the nightmares are stronger than the dreams. Those are the days where I have to recount all i have done. Those are the days when my blessings must be noted. And those are the days when kindness is most needed,  and when I am at my least kind.

Relationships and how they work.

I am not really good at people,  and the interworkings of being a good friend or significant other.  Mostly because I speak my mind and am damaged from abuse in my past. So speaking my mind means that what I say doesn’t often make sense to others. Add to this those days when I am in pain,  or have insomnia,  or even just am deeply into my own world and forget to socialize on occasion.

How I have managed to be so richly blessed in my friends and loved ones,  I am not sure. Still,  I treasure those who are close to me. And I am not the sort to hold a grudge, mostly.  So it sometimes surprises me how angry  people can get.  And how vindictive they can become.

Relationships take work. All of them. Even family and friends,  if you want a good solid relationship,  you need to be willing to compromise. On both sides. This is much of why I am bad at people.  I have a hatd time with compromise.  I can’t afford to compromise because I have been forged by others lack of compromise.  I do not ask much. I take care of my daughter,  and of my best friend.  I try to be there for my closest friends and family.

Now that being said,  I am surprised tonight.  A little over a year ago I had a friend pull away,  for a reason that made no sense.  So I accepted that I had lost a friend,  and as I always do,  I picked up and moved on. Tonight she messaged me with an apology, and an explanation.  It eased my mind to finally understand. It also got me considering what goes into friendship.  How often have I unwittingly hurt the ones around me because I was unable to explain?  I found myself sad that I really couldn’t answer.  So many people I have perhaps hurt. I apologize for those I have not intended to hurt. Sometimes the explanation is another form of compromise. Which is one of my flaws, for sure.

 

 

Frustration

Head in my hands,

I have lain.

Frustration rules my brain.

Doubts rearing,

Words written

With no readers opinions

To reach and sway.

 

Crippling doubt

Searing the mind,

Taking the muse

Leaving only frustration behind.

 

The pen a sword,

With a double edge so keen.

Severing the need,

Laying the heart so bare.

 

No voice 

Power stolen,Silence woven.

No voice left 

To the soul broken. 

Humanity removed, 

Difference exposed. 
Protesting the darkness 

For sake of grasping the light,

Only to find the soul

Just too weary to fight.
A voice stolen completely away 

Left by society silent today. 

For though I speak clearly, 

There is no one to hear me.

Perspective unique

                                                         I have been learning a lot about who I am and who I have been simply by talking to my twelve year old daughter.  She sees things in a very straight forward way. She asks questions about life and especially about the parts of human nature that often confuses her. Her questions are occasionally embarrassing and often thought provoking. For years I fumbled through life because I was more worried about how people saw me or the way people would react to me to allow myself the freedom of being completely comfortable in my own skin. I kept my secrets; My religion,  my sexuality,  my survival to myself. 

                                                        Part of the reason was because I was afraid. I spoke of my abuse. I was called a liar. I was told I was crazy. A heart can only handle so many blows before it closes itself off. Then as I grew older,  I found that I cared less. I surrounded myself with supporters who didn’t care about those things which seemed so bad before. That helped.  

                                                                                           I lost the innocence my daughter has too soon. I grew cynical because I needed a defense. I still clung to my desires to be a dreamer, even as I lived in a world made of nightmares. I used the ability to read to bury myself in places where the pain was not mine. I used the ability to write to speak with impunity my fear and struggle.  After all, my poems didn’t have to be what I was.  At twelve,  I tried to run away from home for the second time.  For my daughter,  home is where she is certain of the fact that she is loved.  I am proud of that fact. She still has many of the issues I had in dealing with her peers. She is very mature for her age, so she doesn’t understand conversation topics that amuse them. Also she has the same lack of filter I do. If it is on her mind, she speaks it. Yet for all that we are alike,  her mind is far quicker than mine.  She has a  brilliant sense of humor and more self confidence than I ever did.

Social Media isn’t social anymore 

I  get on social media to enjoy the random bits of people that they choose to share. Then there are moments that ruin the whole experience for me. And I find myself wondering why I keep going back. The idea behind social media is wonderful… but the concept falls through thanks to human nature.  Instead of compassion and attention,  social media promotes discord and self absorption.

                       If I like too much of what is posted by someone then I am stalking their page. If I post a disagreement then I am disagreeing with every thing they post. And if I ask to be asked before being added to another group then I am ignored. I am back to wondering if it isn’t more trouble to be social than it is worth. I guess that is just me being grouchy….but I feel that there should be a middle ground. 

Art

What is art,
Smart and sublime.
Each eye views differently,
Both beauty and the divine.

An artist places in their work,
Heart,  soul and mind.
Only to hear an offhand remark,
Of how they should really try to find
Something to do with their life.
Some people are but so blind.

The poet pouring themself
Into the words on the page,
Knowing all along that not all
Will see the truth.

The painter who sees a darker view,
Is no less showing
Yet one more truth
That oft goes unseen.

My truth and thine,
Not always so mesh,
So when speaking of art,
No matter the kind,
Be aware always
The ego is but a fragile
Easily broken piece
Of the artistic soul.

Liebster award nomination

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Liebster Award

It is a blogger award where one blogger awards another blogger for their fantastic blogging skills.

Following the rules
Thanks to Jennifer Steiner for my nomination. This is fairly awesome.  Check out her blog,  she is a wonderful writer.  Her blog posts are often about gaming. She has a nicely upbeat attitude. 

Another wonderful blog is one my sister does The birchwood grove gazette. She is writing a young adult story focused on faeries. This blog is a really neat newspaper done by the characters in her story.

Let’s move on.

Now follows the section where I answer (or attempt to answer) the questions that the one who nominated me  came up with.

1. What is your favorite book? Well this is a really hard question. I have so many. Tamora Pierce’s books,  Nora Roberts’s books,  Jacqueline Carey’s books,  changeover by margheret mahy,  up a road slowly by irene hunt, the ghost belonged to me by richard peck, the earths children saga by Jean M Auel, outlander saga by Diana Gabadon, most of Anne Rice’s books, lost boys by orson scott card, several books by Barbara Michaels, a couple by John Saul, a few by Steven King… honestly I think of the books I have read it would be a shorter list to name those i have hated.

2. What did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher or a writer. There were a few others,  but those two more than any.

3. If your house catches fire, what do you grab on your way out? Other than family? I keep my important papers in a folder. That and my kindle.

4. Who is the person most responsible for not only the person you are today, but who has pushed you to be you? 
My boyfriend of twenty years and myself.  He was support and sounding board but I am who pushed.

5. List five things that inspire you (person, place, book, movie, show, etc.).My maternal grandmother,  life, nature,  all books,  dreams

6. What is your favorite dessert and why? 
tiramisu….it’s just wonderful

7. Why are you here today? Because I have never given up.

8. What makes you get up in the morning? my children and my boyfriend

9. If you could raise ONE person from the dead to tell them ONE thing, who and what would it be? my grandma to tell her i love her.

10. If you could buy something you greatly desire or create peace between people, which would you choose? peace.  I am always going to choose peace.

Random Facts about me
1. I am often known for having trouble verbally.  Those who know me call the moments of verbal duhs “Pattispeak”.

2. I am geeky. I taught myself c++ because I wanted to play with world design for ultima online.

3. I have no patience with blatant cruelty or stupidity.

4. I am a survivor.  I make do with every situation life throws at me. And I don’t let it stop me.

5. I am still working on a novel from over twenty years ago.

6. I am an insomniac.

7. I am pansexual.

8. I love to read. I have always got a book with me.

9. I love to stay busy.  And though I have many shows that I enjoy,  i really don’t like video.  (I am usually doing something with my hands while I watch television.

10. I am a textbook Pisces.  Highly emotional and extremely creative.

The Rules-

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Try to include a little promotion for the person who nominated you. Display the award on your blog. Write a post about your favorite blog that is not your own. Explain why you like the blog, provide links. Provide 10 random facts about yourself. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you fee
l deserve the award. List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to: Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post or mine if you don’t have all the information so that they can learn about it.

My nominations

Kim Bailey Deal

Cynthia Pilcher

Robin Koontz

A Not So Jaded Life

Sharon King

My questions for the nominees
1.Why do you blog?
2. What is your favorite music,  and why?
3. What is your favorite medium (ie pen, digital,  crayon,  gel pens,  pencil ) to write with and why?
4. Which cause is closest to your heart? And why?
5. How do you read most?  Ereader, audio or actual book?
6. Who is the biggest influence in your life?
7. If you had the power to change one thing in this world and have it work,  what would you change?
8. What is your writing routine?
9. If you could visit with one historical figure for a full day,  who would you visit?
10. Other than blogging,  what else do you do as a hobby?