Category: emotional exploration

Madness is subjective

image

                         Life has a funny way of pushing forward,  no matter how we want to stop and reevaluate.  I have spent a significant portion of my life considering sanity.  Afraid of being mad, and trying to prevent that slide into deeper pockets of madness.  I joke that I am as sane as I have ever been… but to be honest I am not sure sanity is something that truly exists.  I think as a whole the human race has slowly been decending into a state of madness.  We put such a stigma on it.  Just in America there are millions who suffer….yes millions.  a statistics site about mental health. So why do we make these people feel worse for their suffering?  I think it’s a form of fear.  We fear what similarity we see in them.  So we push it away.  Instead, we should try to understand that which drives the mind down such different paths.

Individual I

Blending in,
For now everyone
Has the traits
That used to mark me
As unique.

My idiosyncrasies
Are now community,
Nothing new or remarkable
In my mind today.

Was individual,
And even slightly weird,
Now everyone does
What i began.

So now i sit
And slightly sigh.
For looking around,
And dreaming that I
Could return to the time
When I was unique
Just once more.

Homeless

There’s room at the inn,
But I have no money to pay.
The world is cold tonight,
And I have no place to stay.

No I am not lazy,
Nor too awful crazy.
Things just really have not
Been going my way.

My stomach is a growling,
My head has been a spinning,
Yet not a bite can I find
For me to eat.

No jobs available for me to find,
Want a hand up?
must be outta my mind.

There’s room at the inn,
But I’ve no money to pay.

Searching within,
Trying just to see
The worth in me.
Silencing the voice
Deep within
Telling me,
Each and every
One of the flaws
Lest i forget.

Some days it’s easier
Some days i fail.
Still each day
Awaken and arise
Each day i search.

Never giving in,
Never giving up.
Someday the voice
I will cease.
My own worth
I will see.

Distorted imagery

You see me
As internet celebrity,
With no sign of lifestyle
Truth in chains.
Not one person
Really knowing me,
Hidden behind an easy profile.
According to you,
Written with naught
But imagination and lies.

Could it be?
that it’s you who
doesn’t see?
Who does not know
The real me?
quietly hiding,
From what you never
Tried to see.
Deeply imbedded
Within us.

Music

        Before i start down this road,  let me explain.  My music tastes are eclectic,  in the extreme. I really am all over the spectrum.  I listen to classical,  country,  rock, pop, jazz, reggae, hip-hop,  even the occasional rap song. Although i do take moods where i pick a genre or theme.  I am always looking for new songs to listen to.
               Now that being said there is some amazing music out. I was looking tonight into “girl power ” songs.  Sarah maclachlan, Kelly Clarkson,  halestorm…etc. I am knocked speechless by the way some of the songs that i find speak my life so clearly. As a writer I wonder if it means everything i can imagine has already been done.  However there is peace in knowing someone out there understands….

Birthdays

    Isn’t life funny? As a child,  a birthday is very magical day.  It’s always a milestone.  However,  with age, we stop seeing birthdays with as much glee. I think it’s tied to gifts and responsibilities. 
           Growing old should be more about becoming wise. Still as an adult it’s often a lonely day where we wonder where happened to us. Another day around the sun. We look at what we have accomplished,  and many of us feel bad. I want the wonder back. 
           I really couldn’t care about the gifts,  or lack of. But i would like a day where i don’t look in the mirror and see a failure,  for my lack of meeting some grand accomplishment goal. A day where growing older just feels like i am growing wiser. I am glad my daughter is still young enough to relish her birthday. I hope she never loses the magic of it.

Disorganized, headache.

    Today has been a busy day.  I have been doing chores.( still have many to do tomorrow.)   And all i have wanted was to make jewelry. Problem is i have had a sleepover with three twelve year old girls.  Recently.  And haven’t had a chance to reorganize my craft supplies since.  I am quite fond of crafting.  I really love making jewelry.  To me it’s another art form. So the chores cut into it, and being disorganized really didn’t help. So tomorrow among the chores,  is a craft organization.  So, though i know i have a new list of topics,  i may be Wednesday before i update.  And as Thursday is the birthday of a very important twelve year old…. i will be overly busy until next week.  I am not saying this to make excuses.  I am only explaining, so that the blogs i squeeze in will actually be seen as what they are. Me going above and beyond what i see as my possibilities,  to write.

Writing topics and reluctant writer’s

       Okay I keep going back to my list for A. I am having trouble writing what’s left.  Not because I am unable,  or incapable.  Because I am too close.  Everything I would write about Abuse or sexuality might end up as angry ranting instead of the general musing I try for. Asking and assuming would sound( and did, as I tried those topics)  confused and lost.  Generally not a good read. Animals, while a simple topic,  are another that would just be a general topic without an angle to make the entry worthy of the read.
              In some ways,  I see that as a general fault in most writer’s.  Writing without passion and a clear head just makes an awful read. Know your limits.  Find a topic you enjoy and aren’t too angry over. Or at least not so emotionally invested that writing becomes nothing but a rant. Emotionally invested is only really good for poetry and op ed pieces.  I save most of those topics for poetry.  Had I not been sleep deprived,  my A list may have been more carefully made. So I will sleep on it, think carefully about it…and post my topics for B on the morrow.

Experiments in social media

               I am attached to my phone.  I use it for everything,  from games to writing.  So Facebook tends to be something i look to for promotion of my publication and for social interaction.  (Not that I am a weird shut in, or something…. lol).
              So in order to spark the muse, occasionally,  I post things to Facebook.  The latest was a challenge to my friends.  I explained that I might use the answers for fodder for blogging. If cost wasn’t a factor,  what would they want to gift me for my birthday.  Would it be serious or a gag? I am not sure what i expected. 
             I got touching responses. Many were the same.  Mostly everyone would give me improved health and happiness, unlimited books and art supplies,  and peace for my daughter and I. When I made the post,  I think I had a perception of more materialistic answers.  Which would not have fit me. I don’t know why I expected it. I am surprised however that there were no gag suggestions.  Hmmm perhaps it says something about me that my friends are all wanting peace of mind and happiness for me. I am sure however that I have been blessed in the friends I have.