I realize that I have been absent for a week….it was however not intentional. between Dr’s appointments and books releasing….I just brain fogged. Though I did have a nice surprise. went to the Dr because I have a sinus infection and the check in notes acknowledged that I have fibromyalgia and Autism. both of them previous doctors were not willing to diagnose me with. though other doctors had? I am sure that they are correct and having a dr agree just feels so good.
I should be doing the daily thing again through November but I don’t think I’ll be doing the normal week posts as I am doing 2 pad challenges and trying to do the Fae 50k.
I am apparently more particular than I ever thought I was. I always thought I was low maintenance…and in some ways I guess I am. Being as creative as I am means I make most of my own accessories, I tend not to ask for a lot…I actually prefer the homemade gifts most of the time because I value the time so much more than the money.
However I broke one of my eyeglass chains, and that’s one of the few accessories I don’t make for myself. I know how but I just haven’t been truly interested in fighting with the reality of the quality of the things I want in such a thing. And they are really cheap on Amazon or at the dollar tree.
I thankfully was changing out my usual well worn bats for some beads as I love changing my accessories to match my mood and who doesn’t?
The problem is that when I was searching for some new ones I found myself refusing some of the really pretty ones because I don’t like the dangling stuff extra. I have 2 pairs and I don’t wear them because I move my head too much and the butterflies that each pair has end up smacking me or tangling up with the other chain and driving me nuts.
So I added a dozen different ones to my wishlist and that’s when it occurred to me. I found several that I really loved but I felt completely obsessed with what other options there were. I know that I will eventually get the ones that I was most excited about…but I was suddenly lost in a rabbit hole because the idea was so happy.
The truth hit me. I am not so much low maintenance as I am eccentric in my tastes. I am happier with someone spending time with me than I am money (though money doed unfortunately make the world go around) and I am so much more interested in the story of an object than the object itself. Which I think probably needs context…
I have things that I keep and will continue to repair until they are dust because I have a story to tell with them. They are a rich piece of life and every experience matters – even the traumatic ones. I may wonder if I would be missed if I left this world, but I could never do anything to make that happen because I honestly want to see what the story is.
what ever else you are going through..remember that you have a great story to tell…and I guarantee that there is always someone who is interested in listening.
I will be going back to the other sort of Saturday post hopefully next week. I am feeling rotten, and the world just seems awful lately. So I thought I would again share my thoughts. (I did not get Saturday Scheduled ahead so this is a last minute scramble for a post as well)
This has been a rough week. Lots of Doctor visits and medical tests. I fell twice. And I feel like I got nothing done. Perhaps that is why I am doing the switch on the post. I need to feel like there is more to me than just what I get done.
I know how to do so many things. I can do resin crafts, sewing, Plastic Canvas, Needlepoint, Digital art, Coding in C++, Calligraphy, Acrylic and Watercolor Painting, Candlemaking, Soapmaking, Play Piano, Book binding, Offset Printing, First Aid, Graphic/Cover Design, basic jewelry design, metal working, wood working, Bread baking, Basic cooking, writing stories & poetry, Editing, and so much more. Still there are days when I feel like I am useless.
Why? because I couldn’t do the mamogram on the right side because of pain. Because my hands curl due to arthritis. Because I get so dizzy I randomly lose my balance. Because I legitimately forget to eat. I struggle to remember to take the pharmacy I am supposed to take twice a day. (20 pills in the morning, 18 pills at night, and a shot once a week) I either stay awake 3-4 days at a time or I sleep 24 hours straight. and I never feel rested. So I feel useless a lot. Am I? nah, but that doesn’t mean that feeling is any less. I didn’t even mention that I taught myself how to publish. I have taught myself most of the skills I have. The only “Talent” I have (An ability that I did not need to practice or study) is writing poetry…and even that I have improved by simply practicing. So if, like me, you are feeling useless….stop and list all that you know how to do. I believe it will help you feel better about you.
I decided to change my post for today for a few reasons.
1 due to a scheduling snafu I lost my record of daily postings.
2 I want to say a few things about politics/ life/death/ shoes/ ships/sealing wax/cabbages/kings
3 I had a scheduling snafu for Friday through Sunday and am at 423 am trying to fix my blog.
4 I last slept Wednesday
There were two tragedies in public display in America this week. The death of Charlie Kirk and a school shooting in Denver.
I found out when I said I felt….. And followed with my opinion I was automatically wrong according to everyone. My main opinion was that killing people is wrong. Even if the person who was killed was a garbage human.
I am not a fan of politics. I fully have a live and let live attitude. I believe communism is a great idea but human nature prevents it from working. I believe in individual freedom and Equality. I would love to see true world peace and weep at the impossible nature of it.
I am also a dreamer and creative soul.
I spend most days in pain because I worry about the ones I love so much I give myself headaches unintentionally.
I want to take care of everyone. Which is patiently impossible because not everyone has my heart and will take advantage of my kindness.
so, I am stopping and taking a breath.
Charlie Kirk was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.
Martin Luther King Jr was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.
Malcolm X was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.
I can continue this list but I don’t want to ruin my point.
..……….…
Regardless of what you thought about either tragedy both left families with someone to bury.
be considerate when you go online and cheer about another human dying. Live a life. Have opinions. But remember there but for the grace of God….
(And no that is not a religious statement. it is a thought process.)
My grandma phrased it better in my opinion. She would often say “I cried for my lack of shoes until I met a man with no feet.”
I am fifty years old. I have had a repetitive dream for as long as I can remember. at least 40 plus years. I am terrible at dream interpretation and I don’t know if I even want it completely interpreted. It now feels like a journey I have finished. Let me explain by telling you that dream first and then I will fill the remaining details in. This is not fiction though I suppose it could be an interesting read. This is the most vivid dream I’ve ever had.
I start the dream in the same place. I always know that I am dreaming, but I am unbothered by that fact. I am on the third floor of a three story house and I have been here before. I am comfortable here. Before me is three doors and a staircase down. I start exploring the first door. I am never alone. the people change, no one stays with me for long at this point. I know everyone, they are people that I have met or will meet in my life. Everyone I have ever cared about was in the dream – some before I ever met them. It takes me a full day to explore each door. The rooms are laid out with symbols of different aspects of the life I have lived. (in example…one room is a gorgeous library that has decor resembling a roma’s wagon, another one is a beautiful bedroom with a canopy bed and carved decor – ivory elephants, onyx roses, wooden trees.) Three rooms, each room takes a full day to explore. so it takes me three days to reach the stairs.
I continue the same pattern on the second floor. Again three doors and a staircase going down. I am starting to see outside at this point and I feel the urge to rush, though I do not. I want to be outside but I am intrigued with the house. As I reach the bottom of the second stairs I am in the middle of the largest kitchen I have ever seen. the smells are so interesting and I feel like I should linger but it causes anxiety to stay. The companions are still there but they are like a radio left playing…background noise. I am focused on the door to the outside. I can clearly see the yard now but I know that I will not reach it. The moment my hand touches the doorknob I wake up.
I have sought dream interpretation before because of the frequency and vivid nature of the dream. Now I know how it ends, sort of.
I went to bed yesterday and I immediately had a night terror.
So I sat up and spent a few hours trying to get my head back together. When exhaustion finally consumed me and I simply couldn’t hold my head up anymore I tried again.
This time I knew I was in the same dream but I was not in the house. I was behind it. The yard had a rusted swingset covered in thick webs. The yard was overgrown and I could see things in the grass. I didn’t spend time trying to figure out what. I still had compainions. We walked carefully around the house. There was only one door into the house and when I started the dream I was staring at it. I had always assumed that it faced the driveway. it did not. after I got around the house there was a dirt driveway that went out as far as I could see. I started walking down the driveway and I woke up. For the first time feeling like I finished the dream.
Now, I know it doesn’t seem like that is the end of the story but I understand it. sometimes the journey is not supposed to end. Sometimes it is more about the journey than it is about either end.
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So I got a notification from WordPress that I have been on here for 12 years. Wow. That seems like it has flown by. I have made quite a few changes in those twelve years. I have stumbled a lot. I am grateful for those who do read my rambling and hope to continue to grow.
I noticed that I have been doing better about the blog. I am on a streak of over a hundred days of daily posting. I don’t know if I will be able to keep it going. I’m sitting here telling myself that doing the normal things is good enough and if I miss the weekend, well it’s not a problem.
So are you believing my bs? Pretty sure I have stopped believing it. So, now I am probably going to be trying to figure out at least one more easy post. The book Review will be rotating in and out. The random rants will rotate. The random extras (like book birthdays, offshot announcements and stuff like that ) will be posted as needed.
I have a full plate of stuff to do. why do I do it to myself ? Oh yeah…mental illness and I really want to have people interacting with my blog. hmmm….I might start working on posting children’s activities for Sunday. Family Sunday sounds like a good time. So what should I do with Saturday?
I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.
I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.
I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.
I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.
So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.
I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.
I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.
I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design. and sometimes I am even a decent person.
in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.
so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.
so I had the first visit with a new dr Friday. Yesterday I got in email notes from the visit. Now before I get to the reason why I was upset about the notes…I need to state a bit of history. I have been 450 lbs at the largest I ever got. I have been on every diet possible as a teenager. I have been fighting with disordered eating for years. I barely eat once a day and I eat a proper portion when I do. it’s all in my chart.
so I looked at the notes and the doctor said I should be assigned behavioral counseling for obesity. I am sitting at 278. which is even 10 lbs less than the last time I was there.
I am still around 50 lbs more than I want to be…,but I will always be obese as I am 5’2. according to the bmi chart I would hit obese at 120. I have no way to get that small.
so I will be looking for a new dr and I had a good cry.
Pattimouse 