I’m not usually one to do family pictures and such… But I am feeling my age today. Tomorrow my youngest turns sweet 16. She is amazing. She loves gaming and horror. She is very into the goth aesthetic. She takes no crap off of anyone. She is Badass at discovering new music, and creative as all get out.
My eldest (far right) is 30 and has two growing boys of his own. He is a volunteer fire fighter. He is hard working and a good father.
The third was my middle child. I was unable to keep him. I chose to give him up for adoption. I have been lucky enough that he has welcomed me back into his life as a friend. He is a delightful young man who is starting a good life. He writes poetry as well.
I am incredibly blessed with the 3 of them. And as I am looking at my youngest growing up on me… I think that I want to take the day in introspection.
Hello lovelies! I am having a coffee day, but as I have been saying all along… The tea table has options.
My life at the moment has been so busy that I don’t have much of an update on writing…. Though I do want to remind everyone that the deadline for submissions to Through the Sunshine is tomorrow! I am going to be posting something in the Fae Corps blog as well. Remember that this is just for first drafts. We can only take the ones who get that first draft in under the deadline…
Life has been busy here. We finally got the contract to buy our house. And I have a birthday girl turning 16 next week. My suv needs to be taken in to get tires replaced. And we are still rehabbing a couple of rooms in the house. Add the stress of all of this and Dr’s appointments, and everything else… You can see why I have been doing less on the writing front.
I am hoping that things settle some in February and I can get Heart Drops written some. I have spoken with my illustrator about Dylan’s next adventure. She is having life hit her as well, so Dylan may not be able to get finished for a couple of months. I will keep you updated.
I am going to be trying to schedule Tuesday’s post as I am going to be spending as much time as I can with my day with my princess. 2020 is shaping up to be a very complex year for me.
I try to keep my blog some what light. Well as light as a half mad poet can be. Still something happened last night that got me thinking. One of the strongest women writers I know reached out to me. She had, unbeknownst to me, suffered through a suicide attempt during the holidays. Now this is not to tell her story, as it is not mine to tell. This is to tell my thoughts on something she said to me.
I have quite a bit that I bury to just keep going. Not whining, just telling the truth here. Between arthritis pain and carpal tunnel, my hands hurt constantly. My mental health adds a whole other aspect, as I dissociate. I struggle with impostor syndrome. I am diabetic, and my relationship with food is one of mutual hatred. I often get so busy that I forget to eat. I am raising and homeschooling the most stubborn teen known to man. I have not been able to go to college. The only reason I graduated high school was because my principal decided she didn’t want me wandering the halls anymore. I have dyslexia. I am an insomniac.
During all of this, I produce this blog. I write as 2 Separate pen names. I am half of Fae Corps Inc. I take on far more of the responsibility for it than I should, leaving my partner frustrated at me. She feels like I don’t trust her, which is by the way the farthest from the truth. She is one of a handful of people who I actually do trust, unequivocally. I have 20+ books under my pen.
Now…I told you all of this not because I felt the need to share. I told you this so I can share the point that was made for me. The conversation I had, and my take away from it…started out because of a thread talking about writers block. I really don’t have writer’s block, ever. Thanks to tumblr, and other fun sites, I can easily find new prompts. I have a collection of story ideas that may never get written. For me it is more a case of limitations. Mostly physical, and a lot of pushing past due to sheer stubborn stupidity.
Well, my friend told me that I am talented(which was a wonderful thing to hear) and too hard on myself. That brought me to the epiphany of today. I am hard on myself.
I have a hard time realizing my limits, and nothing I ever do feels good enough. Somehow, like the starving artist ideal, the poet who sees themselves as less always felt right. My self esteem has gotten better over the last few years, but not so much that I could easily stop the self depreciation. I think that the word change may be coming into play. Time to stop beating myself up for not being able to do what I feel like I should. Time to stop beating myself up if I don’t see my writing or my art the way others do.
I told my friend that I am hard on myself because that is how I keep going. There is and is not truth in that. I am forty four. I have spent the majority of that time having only myself to depend on. Making poor choices, mostly because I saw no other choices to make. Well why did I take the hard path? Because that was the only path I saw. Now, I have people in my life that have proven that they will be there. That form a layer of protection in case I fall. It’s something many don’t think about, but having someone who cares helps.
I have not been suicidal in the traditional sense in years…One of the meds that I was put on as a teen caused suicidal thoughts in me…but other than that I never wanted to die…I only wished that I had never been born. Now I have so much that I am responsible for in this world that is good…well I am past that thought even…and it is not something that I just woke up one day and didn’t wish that I didn’t exist…It was just gone. I look at my life and think that if something happens and I don’t wake tomorrow…I will be remembered as more than the emo brat that I end up being most of the time.
So let’s change together. Let us stop using negative thoughts to beat ourselves up. Together let us remember what we are doing that is good in this world. Spread Kindness for no reason. And together we make the world a better place.
Lyrics – When you’re all fucked up from a little bad luck and Somehow your mind will start to go away Fucked up from life’s dark touch and You curl up and hope that it’ll go away
I fall, you fall Let’s have a ball Drag you below Cuz we’re all goners anyway Just take my hand No time to waste I’m off the case My mind is on a holiday I’ll check back in another day Hey
Cuz I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul Losing my, losing my mind is first to go Losing my, losing my, losing my soul Losing my, losing my sanity is gone
I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul My sanity is gone
Cuz when I fly, Houston we got a problem When I drop, I don’t know why I’m even here It’s fucked up, cuz sometimes it’s fun And I think that you need to lighten up a bit
On my call, we jump Then we’ll collide Drag you below Cuz we’re all goners anyway Just take my hand No time to waste I’m off the case My mind is on a holiday I’ll check back in another day Hey
Cuz I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul Losing my, losing my mind is first to go Losing my, losing my, losing my soul Losing my, losing my sanity is gone
I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul My sanity is…
What you want from me I’m insane today It’s not going away Live my life today Roll the dice and say I wouldn’t have it any other way
My 2cents – well I am far from the most music savvy person in my house. That honestly belongs to my kiddo. She came to me last week all excited… “Mommy, Unlike Pluto has a new one!” So we listened. Honestly it is a good song. It has a good beat and feel to it.
Yeah I know. I usually just post my own poetry or do a spotlight for Monday… But I just spent a week with bronchitis. So I did not have a post prepared. And I felt like that was not fair to those who read my blog.
So I decided to mix the two and add a story of explanation. To change things up and hopefully give the reader a smile.
A Haiku A Day is run by an author that I worked with on Under The Mists. Haiku is for me a difficult form. I do so much better with freeform poetry. He is posting literally a haiku a day. I am in awe of his talent. Well I thought that it would be a neat challenge to try and answer his Haiku with haiku of my own. Silly right? Well I obviously did not manage it every day… But I have been able to do it a few times. Now I challenge you. Take a look at the haiku below and then go check his blog. See if you can match my answer to the original poem.
Now if you can… And send me in email your answer, I will be doing a giveaway. I do not yet know what I am going to give away. But free is always good, right?
Here are my Haiku.
The light was never hers Though she was told that it was Darkness was always home
The words choked the pen For the poet knew to be sin To lay down the pen.
Payment often comes Due in less than convenient Moments slowing life.
Sweetness fades away Memory remains to haunt him Over kisses stolen proper
Sanity is overrated insanity has benefits Missing pieces hide easy
The words outcry all For choosing one is downfall At the beginning then.
Tonight I see a Note of similarity between sleepy poet and me.
Echoes continue till We return to hear wisdom From who we once were
Hiya lovelies! Today is a simple black tea with honey kind of day. Today is a light news day. I find myself sitting here with no announcements to share. I do realize how rare that is.
It makes me wonder that most Thursdays I have so much to say. We have been doing this tea party for most of 2019, and this is the first time I have been without any announcements to impart.
Next week I am probably not going to post on Thursday. Here in America, next Thursday is Thanksgiving. A day of indulgence where we are supposed to be grateful for all of the blessings in our lives. Grateful, I am. Even if some days gratitude comes at a price of self-doubt and self introspection.
However it is usually a day of family and food. I plan on enjoying both.
Fancy Dinners in quiet spaces Asking not who attended, Making no demands In the stress free zone. Loving the only requirements You really need to know.
Hello my lovelies! Today my tea is a lovely lemon ginger blend. It is good for digestive problems.
Well I think that I have some excitement upcoming! Changes to how I handle my Patreon. Fae Corps also has a few sheduled changes to their blog upcoming. A new children’s book from me… Possibly a series of them.
So let’s talk about patreon. I have been struggling with what to put there. I don’t like duplicate content. I feel like if you are paying for the content then it should be something that is not posted anywhere else. So I have this blog on a schedule with doable content ideas for each day. I am working on getting the fae corps blog set up the same way. And I think that I have some ideas for patreon too. So if you want to help me to keep doing the art and poetry…. And get to see the fun content that is going to be only available on patreon… Go over to patreon and pick a tier. The smallest amount is $1. There are a few posts each month that are free to see.
Or you can send money via PayPal. Ok. On to other topics.
Serena is still plucking away at Nanowrimo. She has not been meeting goals but she is writing daily, except for yesterday as sleep deprivation hit. I have been struggling with the poem a day. Too much sick time. However thanks to a very cranky muse, I woke up from my sickbed a couple of days ago and needed to write a children’s book. Dylan and the pet zombie is completely written and in the illustrator’s loving hands. I am working again with the amazing Ms Shannon Alyce Riddle. She is the same artist that did the princess lost. Dylan will be released in January 2020. I have other ideas for the character, so I am thinking about making it a series. Here is a couple of concept drawings she did for the characters. Dylan and his parents. Note that these are not actual illustrations for the book, only concepts of the characters.
Those who follow my activities with Fae corps know that we are working on a anthology Faerie Footprints. It is being put together now. I am hoping that it will be available for purchase in December. Don’t forget the deadline for submissions for Through the Sunshine is January 31.
I finally found an app for recording of audiobooks. So I can set about recording of the princess lost again. I am hoping to be able to get to the recording this weekend.
Beauty’s Tears is still needing to go through layout. I am hoping to publish it in December. Of course I will announce the release when it happens.
As you know I have been working with coffee house writers. I was in their probation period. Where I worked with a training editor who could help me get used to the routine. She was a wonderful person to work with… She has an editing business, here is her Page. Well I graduated out of her care and into the poetry department there. It honestly feels like home as there as many of the writers are similar to myself.
Well… I believe that is all of what I wanted to tell you… Now that I am done rambling…. What is new with you today?
Welcome! Pull up a seat, and pour the tea! Today I am having my lovely lavender.
Have you ever felt staggered and humbled by the response to a single statement? That was me a couple of days ago. I posted on my Facebook about how much I enjoy sharing the wonderful things that my artist and author friends are doing. Everyone was so generous in their response. It makes me feel so happy to know such amazing people.
Did you notice the guest blog post a couple of days ago? Well the Blogger who wrote it has two wonderful blogs. Her poetry blog and a really nice homestead blog. I highly recommend that you check both out! She is also a fellow coffee house writer. I am so thankful that she was willing to come visit.
October passed too quickly. I swear I blinked… Tomorrow will see Serena starting Nanowrimo, and me starting the P.A.D. challenge. I have been slacking off due to illness, so I am still a couple of poems needed for Beauty’s Tears. I have no doubt that I will be done in a day or two, but I was wanting to start a clear volume in November. Sigh. It is what it is.
Fae corps blog will be posting a daily prompt for November. I am doing Layout for Faery Footprints. It is planned for publication in December. The deadline for Through the Sunshine submissions is January 31…we hope to see some wonderful light fae stories!
2020 is going to be an interesting year for me. My art studio will be useable. I am planning to be out more. Fae Corps will be releasing a light fae anthology. There is a book that we are publishing for Deedra Nichole. And who knows what else that will be generating for us there. I should be releasing audiobook versions of my books starting in December. The first planned is The Princess Lost.
…I know there is still two months! Why am I talking about 2020? I am seeing November as being so busy that I may not be able to do a lot of planning. December will be recovery and edits. Layout and publishing. So I think that I am going to be busy.
So, tell me… What in the new year would you like to see this blog cover? Do you like the way that I have been handling it? What can I improve? What irritates you that I do?
Pattimouse 