This is the piece that caused me all the emotional drama earlier. I was trying to show a caterpillar with a transformation of a butterfly attached. The feedback is that it looks like the butterfly is pooping. Yes. yes, it does. And now that will forever be what the transformation is. SHIT. Thanks.
However I made myself attempt another piece because I was honestly ready to delete the piece, the program and all. I needed to make myself work past the hurt and the disgust with what I had created to try to figure out creation again.
Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…
Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.
I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.
I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.
*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.
Yeah, I am sure y’all know this one by now…But today it is simply because I am fighting an almost daily migraine. I am fighting mental health issues, hard, and I just don’t have any extra energy to suggest new web comics. The internet is so full of Wonderful comics, but I just don’t know what I have already recommended and don’t have the energy needed to pick a new one.
Instead I will recommend a neat content creator on TikTok. She sings Puns. She is a fun creator. I may alternate a bit and recommend some Tiktok creators in between some web comics. It sounds like it might be less stressful. Go laugh at Drew and her Puns.
Ok, it’s really Monday morning when I am scheduling this because I was late in getting stuff done this week. But I don’t wanna. So instead I figured I would try to wax philosophical Or something like that.
I have been making Tiktok videos of me reading my poetry…Then I had a conversation with a poetry coach. She said that I read my poetry like I was reading a book. She is not wrong. I do so due to crippling social anxiety. I need to figure out how to read it in such a way that I forget I am on video. Each step in the publishing progress has required me to overcome some plateau of anxiety. I remember when I was publishing my first poetry book, and then my first kid’s book, and then each major step along the path.
I know I seem to have so much going for me. I have so much baggage and mental health issues. I am overly endowed with creativity. I can create in multiple mediums. I am skilled in areas surrounding those creation areas. (for example, I do well at formatting, cover design, and such as that)
Skill, in my opinion, is something we gain from doing. I have talent and skill with words. It comes naturally but I have studied to improve my writing much as any other writer does. I have skill with art. It does not come naturally. I have had to practice and learn to improve. I struggle with seeing what I do as worthwhile because it does not come naturally.
Do you ever know that you are capable of something, attempt it, do it as best as you can, and then look at what you did and see trash? well, that is how most creative people are.
Tomorrow will be a rest day for me. Thank you for understanding.
She was born in the 1930’s in Washington DC. She said that young women were not allowed to carry any weapons…but they had hat pins. I put a picture on this post…She told me that the hat pins were sharp and it baffled me. How did women use them with out poking themselves? The hat pins were seriously the same as a dagger in the hands of these young women.
Her story made me think that DC was a really bad place in her youth…(though I guess I can’t say it is a good place now)
I don’t remember the whole story but it was full of the necessary thrill to ensure that the teen I was would be hooked on every word. Now the woman I am in the middle of a dystopian nightmare for women am wishing I could have recorded every single story she told. I will always remember her telling me that Roe vs Wade didn’t make abortion easier to get, it merely made safe abortion easier to get. Women were still getting them, just most of them were dying. She told me about back alley butchers. I was so happy that I was born in post Roe vs Wade America…now I am sorry that I have lived long enough to see my home become a place where I am no longer free.
Pattimouse 