Category: opinions

Inside my own head

Meme - Overthinking

I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.

I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.

I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.

I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.

So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.

I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.

Current Events

Books I have read

Book reviews

This is the first book from an amazing author. It is science fiction with wonderful world building. It has queer representation in the characters and also good representation of neuro divergent characters. The sequel is in the works and I am looking forward to buying it.

The book has telepathic/telekinetic flying wolves, religion and the trauma from it, fanatics, humanity in its best form, and so much more. She has a lot of herbal remedies used and it really feels like she has researched the herbs she chose. The main female character is a mute autistic. Alongi has made it feel like the character is very 3 dimensional person.

I highly recommend this one and all of Alongi’s books which I will admit that I have read at this point.

Regrets

Meme

So I will occasionally go and read the blogs others have posted. I find them interesting and want to see what others are posting…I have found some interesting things posted and then I have found regrets.

Regrets are posts that have wonderful things to say but need to be edited. Spell check please. I don’t want to share something with horrible spelling errors. Grammar and punctuation errors don’t bother me as much because they can be typos or choices but the huge spelling errors just make me cringe.

I have refused to share things on social media for the same reason. Seriously spell check is easy.

Books I have read

Book reviews

So I debated about posting this review as Serena has a story in it. I felt like it might seem like I was biased about it.

I must say that in my opinion it is filled with amazing stories. The stories are all extremely rich romance stories that are based in the Cthulhu mythos. The publisher did a great job with it. I will warn that the spice is high in this one.

The authors in this are all top tier and the editing was done by a true professional. The stories are are all worth reading. I highly recommend the monster I love.

Therapy thoughts

Meme - Overthinking

I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.

I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design.  and sometimes I am even a decent person.

in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.

so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.

Size is the judge

Meme

so I had the first visit with a new dr Friday. Yesterday I got in email notes from the visit. Now before I get to the reason why I was upset about the notes…I need to state a bit of history. I have been 450 lbs at the largest I ever got. I have been on every diet possible as a teenager. I have been fighting with disordered eating for years. I barely eat once a day and I eat a proper portion when I do. it’s all in my chart.

so I looked at the notes and the doctor said I should be assigned behavioral counseling for obesity. I am sitting at 278. which is even 10 lbs less than the last time I was there.

I am still around 50 lbs more than I want to be…,but I will always be obese as I am 5’2. according to the bmi chart I would hit obese at 120. I have no way to get that small.

so I will be looking for a new dr and I had a good cry.

Perfect is overrated

Meme - Feeling Invisible

So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.

I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.

No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.

So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.

There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.

Disability Aids

Meme - Feeling Invisible

Those who know me, know that I firmly believe in equality when possible. I know that some people are very happy to see the “end ” of DEI…I will never be one of those. I use tools to aid my work and life. That does not make me or my work any less. Note that I said tools, I don’t use Generative AI. I use my phone to write as I have debilitating arthritis. That gives me the option when I need it to voice to text the words and edit the mess later. My glasses have a blue light filter on them because I am mildly dyslexic. This is another tool.

    I am capable of reading but I have been known to buy audio books when I have had eye strain or severe headache symptoms so I can rest and still enjoy the story. There are people I love who need the audio version to be able to retain what is read. I see this as another tool.

Our society has developed a lot of tools to make sure that those who are suffering from various disabilities are not unable to be successful in life. That doesn’t mean you have to be productive or anything to be worthy. It just means you don’t have to be limited in your life because of disability, at least that there is potential to be able to do whatever you want to do.

I personally feel like anyone who wants to put it in the effort should not be denied the chance. As someone who has multiple disabilities I would not want to be told that I am unable to do anything because I am disabled. I want it to be my own personal choice if I can attempt to do something.

Diversity is a word that means that the world can not turn into a place where hatred reigns.

Inclusion is a word for saving space for everyone at the table.

Equity is a word for everyone is given equal chance.

The next volume

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Doing the poetry marathon has me at the point where I’m needing to pick the next volume. I usually ask here and on Facebook for opinions as to what I should do next.

which one do you like best ?