so this time of year it is so hard for many people. I often feel like it is the worst because of the expectations we are put under to be nice to people who we can’t stand the rest of the year. Or the fact that we are separate from the ones that we love and have no way to remedy this. Sometimes it is just the weather changes and the sickness that seems to linger about making it even more difficult to be social. I just wanted to reach out and say that you are not alone. If this is a difficult time for you, reach out. There is always someone who you matter too… Whether you know it or not. And in the holidays we some times forget about telling the ones around us how much we care. For some the inner voice is not a kind thing. Trust me when I say that you are not alone. ❤
Category: opinions
Self worth
So much I find myself having an issue… I am crawling my way to being healthy and a “successful ” person. For me it is a constant struggle. It means that I have to put the work I do creatively in the world. I face rejection. Ok, you say, and?… Well it comes down to what kind of day I am having. And I know that I am not alone. I so often on bad days convince myself that two monkeys with typewriters could write better than I do. And I won’t even get started with my art. It isn’t just depression, it is self worth. If you spend your whole life hearing that your opinion is not worth a damn then eventually… You believe it. This is not something that you can just get over! This requires you to retrain yourself to believe that you matter. That the systematic erosion of your dreams and desires was not in fact truth. That you can make a difference in this all too dark world. So if I seem to be attention seeking with my art or my writing… It is not because I am actually attention seeking.. It is likely that I am losing the fight that day against seeing myself as worthy of doing it at all that day. Please don’t hold it against the writing or the art.
Marriage
Now some would say that I don’t have room to discuss this topic. I am 41, nearly 42 and I have never been married. I will very likely never marry. I have been seeing the same man for twenty, Nearly twenty one years. We started off with an open relationship…not because I was unwilling to commit, but because I was willing to allow him time to decide if I was what he wanted.Don’t think that it was all one sided. I just was willing to wait for the commitment of my dreams. See I was very young and open minded. I wanted one marriage and all the trimmings. I was desperately in love with him and decided that I could be flexible to get my dreams. I learned the hard way that dreams rarely come in the form we think that they will. Does that mean I am unhappy? No. I have someone I love, who has loved me for over 20 years. I decided I was not going to ever divorce, so that meant being sure when I did marry, If I ever did, that it was something that I was sure of.
That being said, I find that too many people end up rushing to get married. Trying to get that paper declaring their relationship before they are even sure if the relationship will last. So they find that they are often unaware of what their partner is even like. Those flaws that people hide while dating. I firmly believe that a couple should live together for at least a year. The blinds come down when in such close confines. The pagan hand-fasting is for a year and a day. If at the end of that year and a day you are still interested in the marriage it is redone. For the death do us part kinda thing.This makes sense. Marriage is more about compromise than anything, and unfortunately most people don’t do this. It ends up being one person dominating and one submitting. While that can be kinky and fun, a real world relationship cannot survive if there is no give and take. Support must happen from both partners. {Note this is coming from someone with 20+ years of seeing what makes it work} If only one is supporting then the foundation of the relationship erodes. Both need to know the other cares and is still interested.
Love and sex are two different areas…I know a lot of people fail to realize this. Sex can happen without love, and Love without sex…but a marriage (or a relationship that is like marriage) will not last long if either is missing. If he/she does not excite your passion, then why would you hang around, same can be said if the love is no longer a part of the equation. All of these require one thing…communication. Talk to your partner, about everything…Honestly. If you hate something that they do and you don’t say anything then it will be impossible for them to compromise. Same thing if they come to you and are telling you that they feel like something you do is bad. In example…I am a writer. so if my Joe didn’t like my writing,(actually he loves it, but using an easy example here) then I could as a compromise offer to do this during a time when he was not around. Or to go to another room. Simple compromises help to keep things together.
Still sometimes compromise is impossible and relationships fail. And in that case, It merely means you were not suited to each other. It means it is time to dust yourself off and try again. Love exists to brighten our lives, not to trouble it. ❤
Peace
Those who don’t know me may not understand this. I am a pacifist. I really and honestly believe that violence does not solve anything. To my mind, violence only exacerbates any situation and makes it worse. That being said, I am deeply worried about the state of affairs in the United States. I feel like we went from the melting pot to the boiling pot overnight. I worry that the suicide rates will go up with this revelation of the new president and of the hardships we as a nation will be facing for the next four years. Don’t get me wrong. I am scared. But allowing fear to overtake me solves nothing.
We have to recover from the shock, and start to put our brains to use. This country is still the same, even if it feels different. There is laws to prevent the abuse I am seeing reports of on social media. There are places still to assist you if you are in danger. No one has the right to harm another person, no matter what the people who follow the hate believe. Practice Kindness. It is needed now more than ever. Do art! Please put more beauty into this ugly world. Speak and write truth, even if it is disguised as fiction. We have so much ugly in the world, that many believe that is how things have to be…show them that it is only one way. Violence is NEVER the answer, and we as a species need to find out what is. Please be good to each other. ❤
Broken concept
Ok… Let’s stop right now. The use of the word bored. I had someone who I dearly love use this word recently and it stuck in my craw. Boredom is a flawed concept. There is always something that you can do to engage the mind. As the parent of a very active pre-teen, this is a lesson I have tried repeatedly to ingraine. Money doesn’t have to be a block either. Oh you are broke? Is there a library or a park near you? Well those are usually free. Nature walks allow time for contemplation. Also one could gather supplies to do simple crafts (easily found via the Internet…) I am not saying crafting is for everyone. I did a I’m bored jar for my girl… Slips of paper to give her ideas. If she said that she was bored then we would draw out a slip and do what was on it. Not all were fun…
Here is some examples..
1. Sweep all of the floors in one room.
2. Play half an hour of a video game.
3. Read for thirty minutes.
4. Color one page in a coloring book.
5. Draw a picture…
6. Write a story /poem
7. Walk at least fifteen minutes, take notice of all of your surroundings.
8. Do a craft… Any craft.
9. Listen to music and dance…
10. Write a letter to someone.
These are merely some possible ideas. We play d&d, so another option is to find a group of players and start an adventure. Most libraries offer free Wi-Fi for card holders. There is many places to get free books for the Kindle app(which is available from the play store for Android, not sure on Apple)…. Bookbub, bookgorilla, and a few others. So even if you can’t do borrowing from the library there is a way for free books. If you message a writer on Twitter or Facebook, and offer to review for the chance to read it… Well some will be willing to do it. Check your community for free events. Home depot and lowes both have a craft each month that is free for kids. I think that they also have ones for adults. Saying that you are bored is in my opinion denoting a bit of a lack of imagination. Let’s not have that!
Therapy
Not everyone is healed by medicine, not everyone is healed by therapy. Don’t get me wrong, it can do a great deal. Still it is alot like an addiction, being mentally ill. Unless you are ready to heal, all therapy will do is give you someone else to depend on. Someone else to expect judgement from. This is often more detrimental to self esteem than helpful. I have been seeing a therapist since I was nine years old. For me it was just something that I had to do. I have had some good ones, ones who could make me see them as human. I’ve had a few who abused my trust. To tell the truth, I have done more towards healing when I was not seeing one. I used to dissociate. For the ignorant among my readers, the term Dissociate is technical jargon for saying that I was multiple personalities. Twenty years ago I was a true mess. Nearly twelve personalities that we knew of. I was never sure where I would wake up, and how much time would have passed. One of my personalities was cutting. As stated, I was not in a good place. When I was in control, I was having nightly nightmares. I was terrified of being put in a hospital. Mostly because I figured I would not be let free. I am extremely claustrophobic. When I was little, I was molested. I finally got the courage and told him that if he came near me again I would scream. Well I guess he believed me… But he did decide to put one last scare to keep me from talking. He locked me in the trunk of his car and told me I would die there. I am not sure how long I was in there. But I was there long enough to scare me. I was nine. It took me four years to gain enough courage to speak. He said that I would never be believed. Damn him for being right. I was told that I was insane. I showed all the symptoms of a abused child. So much so that I was put in therapy. I was put on medicine… But I speak up… And I am insane. Fine. I am fourty one. I am finally one, not many. And I am insane. He raped me at five. He raped me until I was strong enough to say no. Then he raped my mind for the majority of my life. And if I had been believed he wouldn’t have been able to rape the girls after me. He wouldn’t have been free. He is in jail, but I check on occasion. I am fourty one and I am scared of a small man who ruined my life. I am not sure I will ever not be. Ask my family… I am a depressing poet who has always been crazy. Oh wait, many of them (not all) will not even Acknowledge that I write. I embarass them. After all, I was telling the truth. I don’t lie, because thanks to the dissociation, I often have a hard time remembering things. So why lie if I will only be caught. I am not crazy. I need no therapist to hear me. I am whole. I have good coping mechanisms. And I will not hide who I have become for anyone!
Speak your own truth. No matter what anyone else thinks of it.
Rape culture
So I am not an easily triggered person, usually. However, here lately social media has been testing the limits. Several times I have opened Facebook and found articles about children dying because they were raped. Then there are the articles about rapists getting nearly no punishment for what they have done. So then I take to Twitter, which is usually a little bit more light-hearted. Until the presidential election. Then there started a new hashtag. #WhyWomenDontReport. Well, that is a huge can of worms. It caused me to discuss this with Joe.
He said that most of the women who he knows, or has known have been either raped or molested. Then as we were talking about it, he considered. Of the twenty women who he was intimate with, he said he was unable to say for sure on four. The rest were survivors. That is not even a random statistic. That is women who he was with.
I was floored by that. So I posted on Facebook. (So there is a thing on Twitter… #whyIdidntreport
I DID REPORT! At least the first time. I was told that I was a liar. Not all rapes go unreported, some people speak and go unheard. I didn’t speak of the second time because I knew I wouldn’t be believed.) I had several of my friends express similar situations. Think on this, according to Google, one in three women are raped in their lifetime. Yes men are also raped, but I am not speaking of them, not yet anyway. So 1/3 of all women. We as a people need to address this… That is a huge issue.
Add to the issue the ignorance of Trump’s “locker room talk” and the treatment of the victims by those who have the power to change things. Is it any wonder that sexual assault is the least reported crime? We make it hard for the scared to overcome the fear instilled by violence to step into a safe place… And I for one am tired of that. I was raped at fourteen and molested as a small child. I am not a statistic. I am not a victim. I am not allowing Rape culture to break me. I speak my truth, and invite you to do the same.
Outside blind
Okay, I believe it is time that I explain my truth, and set myself free. I have survived many abusive situations. I really was a broken soul. Then I met an angry redhead. He is my anchor. He allowed me to heal. When I met him, I was dissociating. I was on more medications than a person should ever take and I flinched whenever anyone looked at me cross. I was hiding who I was, mostly because I had seen that it would be unwelcome. No one believed me when I spoke of what I had been through. So when I met him, I was more than a hot mess. I was having nightmares nightly and I was terrified of everything. I had at our rough count at least fifteen distinct personalities. Twenty years later, I no longer dissociate. I Will likely have nightmares for the rest of my life, but I have them less now. I now wake up to arms who hold me as I cry the tears of fear. I have someone who has encouraged me to be myself, no matter what anyone else thinks. We heal each other.
That sounds amazing right? Well the problem is most people see him and because he is grouchy and anti-social, They think that he is not good to me. I have watched him walk away from people who he loved because of how they treated me. I have watched him protect me when I was trapped in my own mind. I have had to stand between him and the outside, because of people misunderstanding. I will always stand up for him, he is why I have found the strength to heal a shattered soul. So many people have told me that I can do better……but What they fail to understand is that I don’t want to. We fight, we play, we love, and we have healed. Unless you are part of it, there is so much that you Can not see, so please don’t judge my life based on the first impression that you have of him or me.
Sensitive body topics
Okay, this is not an easy thing for me to write. I am a firm believer in teaching children about their bodies and teaching consent. What that means is teaching a child that their bodies belong only to them. No forcing the child to give unwanted hugs, no ignoring discomfort with affection. Teach girls about what is natural for their bodies. Oh I realize that eventually most have to explain the whole puberty thing. But if you make no topic taboo, then if there is something wrong, your child is not afraid to speak up.
There are several reasons why this is a tough topic , and why it is such an important one. I was molested. He convinced me that no one would believe me. My mom was so uncomfortable with some topics that she couldn’t discuss them… Puberty was not a easy time (I was given a pamphlet and told to go to my room to read it.) So when I finally worked up the courage to speak, well he was right. I was not believed. So when I had my own daughter, I swore I would do things differently. I don’t allow anyone to force affection. We don’t have secrets. If she has a question about anything, I try to answer it. So at twelve years old, I had tried to run away from home three times. She feels safe. I was sexually active at twelve and pregnant at thirteen. She has said that she is not ready for a boyfriend and really is not wanting to have sex anytime soon. She is a smart and sensitive girl who is learning how to be sarcastic and funny, not as a defense mechanism like I did….but because she enjoys laughing. I have been told that I should be less open with her because people were uncomfortable with how honest I am with my twelve year old. I let her ask questions and I refuse to lie. I will not apologize for my doing what I felt was right for any of my children. Even if I fail at all else I do in life, I have a smart funny happy girl.
Fear does not mean weakness
Some one I care very deeply for was upset because she couldn’t face someone who had abused her. Well I got to thinking about that. Fear is a healthy reaction to danger. If you have ever survived any form of abuse, you understand that. I am a survivor. I have been raped, molested, beaten. I have been in abusive relationships. I am not now, because I found my way out of that darkness. I don’t think I could be brave enough to face those who abused me. When I tried to stand up, and tell someone…. Well I was not believed. I was told I was lying. Even though I showed the signs of the abuse. So when I was raped by a group of five at thirteen, Fear kept me silent. Fear turned into the backbone I needed to become who I am. So I would not be a victim again. However, even as strong as I have become, I doubt that I could face my molester or the five who raped me. And if I did, I doubt that I would have anything to say. The piece of me that was stolen is gone. I am not that girl anymore. Nor do I want to be. So I will keep my fear, as it strengthens me. It allows me to realize that there are really monsters out there. It allows me a chance to know that I won’t break, for life has tried. Be proud of what you are, and do not hide your truth. For that is what made you.
