I have never made secret of the fact that I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse. And yesterday was a very emotional day.
Survivors know that most monsters wear human skin. My monster was a quiet man that everyone believed was a good person. He told me that no one would believe me if I told about how he hurt me. He made me believe that I deserved the pain. That is what monsters do. They convince you that you deserve every bit of what they do. Even in death he haunts me, as I find myself feeling like a bad person for enjoying the fact that he committed suicide.
Monsters are among us. And now the world has one less. Though I am relieved I will not celebrate any farther. I will instead work on creating beauty to combat the monsters that remain in this world. I will be an advocate for those who have had their voice stolen.
This means that I am going to need to step back and breathe, I need to calm the emotional roller-coaster this has created. I will be back on Monday. Until then, avoid the monsters and be kind
Lyrics: Alright, alright Alright, alright Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though It’s a hell of a feeling though Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though It’s a hell of a feeling though Who are these people? I just woke up in my underwear No liquor left on the shelf I should probably introduce myself You shoulda’ seen what I wore I had a cane and a party hat I was the king of this hologram Where there’s no such thing as getting out of hand Memories tend to just pop up Drunk pre-meds and some rubber gloves Five-thousand people with designer drugs Don’t think I’ll ever get enough (don’t think I’ll ever get enough) Champagne, cocaine, gasoline And most things in between I roam the city in a shopping cart A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up Raise hell and turn it up Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe” Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time It’s a hell of a feeling though It’s a hell of a feeling though Alright, alright It’s a hell of a feeling though It’s a hell of a feeling though What are these footprints? They don’t look very human like Now I wish that I could find my clothes Bedsheets and a morning rose I wanna wake up Can’t even tell if this is a dream How did we end up in my neighbors pool Upside down with a perfect view? Bar to bar at the speed of sound Fancy feet dancing through this town Lost my mind in a wedding gown Don’t think I’ll ever get it now (Don’t think I’ll ever get it now) Champagne, cocaine, gasoline And most things in between I roam the city in a shopping cart A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up Raise hell and turn it up Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe” Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time I’m a scholar and a gentleman And I usually don’t fall when I try to stand I lost a bet to a guy in a Chiffon skirt But I make these high heels work I’ve told you time and time again I’m not as think as you drunk I am And we all fell down when the sun came up I think we’ve had enough Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though It’s a hell of a feeling though Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though It’s a hell of a feeling though Champagne, cocaine, gasoline And most things in between I roam the city in a shopping cart A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up Raise hell and turn it up Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe” Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time
My 2Cents:
This song has been stuck in my head for 3 weeks. I think with the way people have been suffering through 2020 that maybe a good time is just what we need this year. So tell me, what is your good time?
Before I do this… I apologize for the late posts the last couple of days… I have been helping a friend and I have been late getting home. Usually I will do the posts while out if need be, but I was the driver this time. Stretches my ability to get things done.
Lyrics – Crawl out of the hole you’re in Who you are is not who you’ve been Now’s the time to sink or swim Will you fight the tide or get lost within And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul Iron bars are hell to break Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake? Your whole life in a blank stare haze You walk around like the end of days And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul I’m callin’ out to you Can you hear me? They can’t break you down Let you hit the ground I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long) You’re feeling overwhelmed here Drowned by the pain and the fear The sun will come with the dawn All you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul… Get your soul…
My 2 cents – this is a song about learning how to be strong after a struggle. Don’t let the world destroy you. It’s a good song, and it feels like a good message.
Ever feel like you are doing the same thing on repeat…ad nauseum? Well that’s what formatting of books often feels like. When I first started wanting to do desktop publishing, the pdf was the file of choice… It was supposed to be “print perfect ” as it allowed your to see how your file would be when it printed.
Well now it is one of multiple file types you need to know how to handle. And then there is the files that change after you convert it to be what you need.
Each site for publishing requires a different format. Kdp(Amazon) requires docx. Draft2digital for the ebook (if you don’t want them to change details) needs epub. And the print book version for them needs pdf.
So on days like today when the responsibility of publishing is too much… Those are the days when I step back. I breathe. Tomorrow is soon enough for all of that. I think that tommorow I will talk about the computer programs that I have found to be most useful in making the formats needed for publishing.
Lyrics – [Verse 1] I hate the world today You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried You must have been relieved to see the softer side I can understand how you’d be so confused I don’t envy you I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Verse 2] So take me as I am This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous And I’m going to extremes Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Bridge] Just when you think you got me figured out The season’s already changing I think it’s cool, you do what you do And don’t try to save me
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Chorus 2] I’m a bitch, I’m a tease I’m a goddess on my knees When you hurt, when you suffer I’m your angel undercover I’ve been numb, I’m revived Can’t say I’m not alive You know I wouldn’t want it any other way
My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.
Hello lovely readers! Time for tea again. Today is a Lipton Ice tea for me.
I don’t know if you noticed… But I stopped doing the monthly link posts… This is because I added a page for the links. I feel like this makes them easier to find. However it also, I suppose makes it easier for some people to ignore… It has good and bad to it. Still I feel like this is a better way.
The pandemic has been doing a real number on my ability to focus and thus my ability to write. I am currently working on writing my submissions for Fae Corps anthology Fae Dreams. The theme is Goals /dreams. Serena has already submitted for this and Nightmare Whispers. Both have the deadline of August 31. So far I have 1 poem to submit… Out of the 5 possible. So I have got to get writing! Can’t let Serena outdo me, right?
I finished with a sketchbook. I plan on doing a video sketchbook tour for patreon this weekend (patrons only but you can be a patron for as little as a $1 a month. ) I think that I did really well with some of those pieces.
Also I just got a new deck. Readings are available (by donations only, I don’t set a price. I ask only that you donate something for your reading and leave the amount up to you. ) I will be doing a full post about this tomorrow with deck pictures.
Lyrics – Cut me open and you’ll find A brain, heart, liver, lungs And a knife in the spine It’s chilling to know that the last place you go Might be where the fat lady sings Does it hurt? I don’t know, and where do we go? We don’t tease fragile minds with such things So sell me down the river First help me sell my soul It’s something I know I can deliver I think we’ve finally broke the mould It’s getting harder to know if I’m sane My issues are leaking outside of my veins Somebody save me or end me I haven’t yet made up my mind If it leads to paranoia, boy, you might want to hit the floor Before exposure leads to a metamorphosis we can’t ignore Lost in the whisper and hung on a prayer If you don’t know where you’re going Any road will take you there So sell me down the river First help me sell my soul It’s something I know I can deliver I think we’ve finally broke the mould Will I be an end to someone’s destiny? Who’s to know? And will I give right in to my aggression? Who’s to know? Will I fall apart all alone Who’s to know? Or will I shine right through And lay this hate to rest with all of you? So sell me down the river (down the river) First help me sell my soul It’s something I know I can deliver (can deliver) I think we’ve finally broke the mould
My 2 cents – i think that it is not too far of a reach to say that we have all felt like this on occasion… Alienated for just being individual. And insane for feeling like that. It’s a song that is hard not to feel is relatable. The video is well done, it really fits.
Lyrics – Today I’m kinda feelin’ like a ghost Call my friends but ain’t nobody home Tell myself I’m fine, but I don’t really know I’m just scared that I’ll end up I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone I never let it show But I feel like a missed call on a phone Tryna live my life pay as you go But I’m so scared that I’ll end up I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone You know I’m like a ghost Sometimes I have to fade And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost I see it in your face And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost You know I never meant to cut you off Got phantom feelings I can never stop Stranger things to worry ’bout I know But I’m so scared that I’ll end up I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone I can’t see myself in the mirror Does that mean I’m not really here? I’m losin’ touch with everything I know And I’m so scared that I’ll end up I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone You know I’m like a ghost Sometimes I have to fade And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost I see it in your face And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost You know I’m like a ghost Ooh, I’ll be ok I’ll be alright I know, ooh, I’ll be ok I’m just scared that I’ll end up alone You know I’m like a ghost I see it in your face And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost
Lyrics – I can almost see it That dream I’m dreaming but There’s a voice inside my head saying You’ll never reach it, Every step I’m taking, Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking but I Gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb The struggles I’m facing The chances I’m taking Sometimes might knock me down but No I’m not breaking I may not know it But these are the moments that I’m going to remember most yeah Just got to keep going And I I gotta be strong Just keep pushing on, ’cause There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb (yeah) There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes you gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb (yeah yeah ea ea) Keep on moving Keep climbing Keep the faith baby It’s all about It’s all about The climb Keep the faith Keep your faith Whoa oh oh
My 2 cents…
The world is hurting… And the majority of us are caught up in the back and forth, and finding it to be too much. I stepped away from Facebook yesterday… Because I found that I was crying everytime I opened it up. I have been torn between wanting knowledge of current events/ family and the need to be sane (or as close as I get). I am going to choose my own sanity here. But with any mountain blocking my path… I will rest but I will not give up. I can’t be there to join the fight. But I will say that Black Lives Matter. I will say that the cop deserves a murder charge. And that my heart hurts for the fact that either of those statements are not immediately apparent.
