It really is the little things that hurt…and heal. Seeing affection and pride felt by those whom you wish were proud of you. Or who paid enough attention to see who you really were. So I end up feeling the little green eyed monster creep in. And then I self recriminate because I see myself as better than that. I don’t do my writing or my crafts or my art for the recognition. I really don’t. I do all of it for me. However, the primal urge for recognition exists in everyone. Then along with the self doubt, a few someone’s stood up for me. It heals the little cracks in my soul.
Category: positive thoughts
Day twenty three
Oh well… this is a tough one. I am an oddball. I really don’t dislike people overall… not any more. For me it is a case by case – moment to moment thing. So saying I dislike someone… well for me that means they are not family. Blood doesn’t always mean family.
Day seventeen
Quotes to live by…well there are a lot of inspirational quotes out there. All are worth using as a life model. However truth be told…I tend just to use my brain and my heart to decide how to live. What quote do you use to live by if any?
Ah ha moments
In life I try not to judge the people around me. For you never know what road they were forced to walk. Today for me that point was driven home by a conversation I had with a man I have always considered to be very strong. He was telling me that his Stepmother had passed. As one would expect of a woman in her eighties. But when he spoke of her and indeed when he ever speaks of his father…. I hear a sadness there. I had always believed it was because of the distance between them. Tonight I saw a lot of what was under there. I still think he is strong, but perhaps there’s a reason for the strength. Perhaps in seeing the vulnerability in the ones we see as strong we can allow more in ourselves. We try to hold ourselves, I think, to impossible standards. Many end up depressed because of said impossible standards. So for today I will accept my vulnerable side. I will stop pretending that all i am always strong. How about you?
Slacker no longer
I finally have my kindle set up, mostly. Minor tweaks will always be there… but I’m finally where i have all my writing apps back. Don’t get me wrong, I can write on paper, or on the ancient laptop we have…still for me, i do my best on a touch screen tablet. So I was slacking on my daily writing. Even though I know better, I allowed myself to excuse the lack of word count by counting the days until my fire would be in my hot little hands. Not that there has been nothing from me, the latest volume of poetry is two closer to done. I have been assisting my sister with her faeries. (And working on a faery cookbook with her). I have done blogs (although not as many ). Still I am enforcing a two hour a day writing time from now on. And until my vendor show (in Keyser, wv on May 14th) i will be setting aside an hour a day for crafting.
I know i will have at least something ready for publication by December. (There may be another children’s book sooner. Depending on how things go.) Seems like my biggest issue isn’t the writing…. lol. It is the procrastinating.
Rainy days and Sick Mondays
I woke up aching all over. Now my daughter had it yesterday. So I figure it may just be a spring cold. Then I look out the window….Ugh. It is a dreary rainy day. It would certainly not be the first time my body reacted to the weather. Today every little thing has been setting off my anxieties. So here I am, a true mess. Instead of getting anything accomplished…I have been aching and bellyaching. I think today will just be a wash. However I am refusing to let the rain and dreary knock me down. I am making homemade chicken pizza (From dough i froze a couple of weeks ago) to pick up the spirits of my angel and I. Then after dinner dishes i will sit and try and write….even if I delete it tomorrow…I think the discipline may help me be a little less anxious.
Dodging the dust today
Some days it feels like I have too many plates spinning. Hence the Picture above. (credit goes to Jim Hunt Illustrations…for the awesome image.) Today was no exception. Somehow all those various hats….(mother, Writer, adult, Social media guru, blogger, Friend, Girlfriend, cook, gamer, etc, etc) all seemed to fit. I kept moving and I got stuff done. Even found time to watch a favorite movie with my little girl. Somedays it feels like the dust settles over me. creating a blanket. making it hard to move. Not today. Today I wasn’t sitting long enough for the dust to settle. Today I kept on my feet and managed to get things done. I maybe didn’t do as much in crafts as i did in writing, or maybe I was less attentive to this part of my life as I was to that. Still no broken plates. How about you? Any broken plates today? Did the dust settle? If so that is okay. Tomorrow you can try again.
I am
I have always had issues with self image.
I am a poet.
I am a writer, published and paid.
I am a jewelry artist, who has made money.
I am an artist, for my own pleasure.
I am an attractive woman.
I am a mother. Of a full grown son and a preteen girl.
I am Momo (aka grandmother)
I am a computer geek who can program in C#
i am a game master who has been running games for nearly twenty years and has taught many to play.
I am a decent cook and a better baker Most of the time.
I am an intelligent and seeking mind.
I am a blogger.
I am occasionally funny.
I am a voracious reader.
I am a good listener, A fair friend, and a devoted girlfriend.
I am Loyal to a fault.
I am usually kind.
i am usually honest.
I try to be generous, i try to be understanding and i try to be a good friend.
Yet i fight the feeling of failure and fight feeling a lack of worth…
because even though i am all of those things…
some days it feels like all that i am is worthless in the grand scheme of life.
And the worst part is I know I am not alone in how I feel….
Getting things done
Trying to juggle so many hats means occasionally dropping a few. One merely tries not to drop the important ones. Mom, Maid, Writer, Artist, Poet, Dreamer, Momo (Happy third birthday Lennon!), Woman, Girlfriend, Sister, Daughter, Business Owner…Blogger, Person, Feminist….so many titles….And somehow I do okay at juggling them, most of the time. Today I did ok. I felt good about it. Even managed a couple of people giving me ego candy. Which believe me was sweet. I uploaded things for sale in my scott’s marketplace shop…I made new items, I handled a sick daughter. I cleaned, I overcame my social anxiety to talk to a person not online. I ate. (for me sometimes that really is award worthy….lol)
So today there were some hats dropped. I wasn’t able to write today…until now…and so this blog is all the writing I am getting done. Even that is something though. Perhaps I should be thankful the hats I dropped in the busy day, were not the most important ones. Which hats do you wear, and how adept are you at juggling them?
Ego Candy
It often amazes me how easy it is to feel that special boost of ego. A small compliment or a happy customer. Today, I received a boost. I have been feeling lately a lot down on myself, my art, my crafts and my writing. Its hard to feel good about stuff when one’s own family doesn’t seem to feel pride with what you have done. Now in the last two days, I have had two amazing compliments. The first was from my twelve year old. I ordered the proofs for my novella, and my children’s book. I gave them to my daughter. Well the other night as I tucked her in (cause yes i will still tuck her in every night so i can get that lovely hug and kiss each night), she told me she had read the children’s book. She said it was kinda good. Which is for her major praise. Then I had a day of good writing, followed by a day of productive crafting.
So today I had a visitor. who provided ego boost number two. I had laid out the pendants I made to try to plan a display. and she saw them. She was so enthralled by them that she kept telling me how beautiful the pendants are. It made me feel so good. I think in general we forget how small compliments and acts of kindness can affect the day of a person. So I think i will try to hand out a piece of ego candy (Compliments that is) every day. I recommend everyone do this.
Pattimouse 