Some one I care very deeply for was upset because she couldn’t face someone who had abused her. Well I got to thinking about that. Fear is a healthy reaction to danger. If you have ever survived any form of abuse, you understand that. I am a survivor. I have been raped, molested, beaten. I have been in abusive relationships. I am not now, because I found my way out of that darkness. I don’t think I could be brave enough to face those who abused me. When I tried to stand up, and tell someone…. Well I was not believed. I was told I was lying. Even though I showed the signs of the abuse. So when I was raped by a group of five at thirteen, Fear kept me silent. Fear turned into the backbone I needed to become who I am. So I would not be a victim again. However, even as strong as I have become, I doubt that I could face my molester or the five who raped me. And if I did, I doubt that I would have anything to say. The piece of me that was stolen is gone. I am not that girl anymore. Nor do I want to be. So I will keep my fear, as it strengthens me. It allows me to realize that there are really monsters out there. It allows me a chance to know that I won’t break, for life has tried. Be proud of what you are, and do not hide your truth. For that is what made you.
Category: positive thoughts
I am writing!
Vacation seems like it should be a bad time to write. It’s work, right? Still for me, at home I find it harder to actually set the time aside for writing. Too much else to do. So much household chores that never seem to be done. Too many distractions, social media and other entertainment options. I realize I should be more disciplined about my writing, but if I structure too much, my muse will abandon me. I have spent two hours today writing. Cleaning up my projects helped. I backed up a couple of projects that really aren’t working, and cleared them from my writing app. I rewrote two pages that were lost in a save mishap. I wrote more on a couple of my works in progress. I wrote another poem for Life Drops. I am also of course writing this blog post. Still. I am doing so much better on my vacation with my writing than I do normally. I have no internet to distract. No housework to distract. I only have my kindle and my family. I am hoping that I can publish the second book in the Bedtime tales series before summer ends. I am aiming to finish one of the other books (full novels) before my 45th birthday. That gives me a little over three and a half years. 🙂
Originally written to respond to status on Facebook.
Since you see the darkness
that surrounds,
Your eyes are wide.
But in your disdain
You judge…
Not that I think you wrong,
Yet still it seems that
Judgment taints you.
Paints you,
With a brush of hatred formed.
See their actions
And look away,
For sadly you may
Never understand
That which drives them
To hate.
Hide disdain and sneering glares,
For tis themselves
Their hate brings down.
You are better
For not being involved,
For not allowing yourself
To them to devolve.
Personal faith in self
Each creative person goes through it. The crippling self doubt. One often expects encouragement from those in the life of said person. And it really doesn’t always happen. I’m not alone there. For me it’s just a baffling thing. I am seven time published. Four volumes of poetry, two children’s books and a novella. Still there are days when I wonder if my writing is any good. And since my family doesn’t seem to be proud of me and what I have done… it seems to wear on my confidence in what I do.
Then my bestie, my sister I chose, who is also a writer asked for my help. It doesn’t seem like much to a outsider I am sure… but for me this was huge. It felt like validation of my writing. My writing is such a big part of who I am… this felt like I was being accepted. So it got me thinking. Why does my family, my blood, not accept what I do? Really the only thing I can think of is that to them, since I have always been a writer, it is simply nothing new. So perhaps I am going to have to accept the idea that those who are not showing pride in me aren’t doing it in cruelty. Perhaps it is in ignorance.
So perhaps I should not expect the world to have faith in me, and be thankful when it does. Instead I should have faith in me.
Day 26
Things I would say to an ex. Honestly it depends upon the ex. There are always good reasons why they are ex’s. Still usually… it’s hello, how have you been? I see no reason not to be polite. The only reason not to would be if they hurt me…and since I have moved on…the hurt must not have been as bad as it felt then.
Posted earlier on my personal Facebook
It really is the little things that hurt…and heal. Seeing affection and pride felt by those whom you wish were proud of you. Or who paid enough attention to see who you really were. So I end up feeling the little green eyed monster creep in. And then I self recriminate because I see myself as better than that. I don’t do my writing or my crafts or my art for the recognition. I really don’t. I do all of it for me. However, the primal urge for recognition exists in everyone. Then along with the self doubt, a few someone’s stood up for me. It heals the little cracks in my soul.
Day twenty three
Oh well… this is a tough one. I am an oddball. I really don’t dislike people overall… not any more. For me it is a case by case – moment to moment thing. So saying I dislike someone… well for me that means they are not family. Blood doesn’t always mean family.
Day seventeen
Quotes to live by…well there are a lot of inspirational quotes out there. All are worth using as a life model. However truth be told…I tend just to use my brain and my heart to decide how to live. What quote do you use to live by if any?
Ah ha moments
In life I try not to judge the people around me. For you never know what road they were forced to walk. Today for me that point was driven home by a conversation I had with a man I have always considered to be very strong. He was telling me that his Stepmother had passed. As one would expect of a woman in her eighties. But when he spoke of her and indeed when he ever speaks of his father…. I hear a sadness there. I had always believed it was because of the distance between them. Tonight I saw a lot of what was under there. I still think he is strong, but perhaps there’s a reason for the strength. Perhaps in seeing the vulnerability in the ones we see as strong we can allow more in ourselves. We try to hold ourselves, I think, to impossible standards. Many end up depressed because of said impossible standards. So for today I will accept my vulnerable side. I will stop pretending that all i am always strong. How about you?
Slacker no longer
I finally have my kindle set up, mostly. Minor tweaks will always be there… but I’m finally where i have all my writing apps back. Don’t get me wrong, I can write on paper, or on the ancient laptop we have…still for me, i do my best on a touch screen tablet. So I was slacking on my daily writing. Even though I know better, I allowed myself to excuse the lack of word count by counting the days until my fire would be in my hot little hands. Not that there has been nothing from me, the latest volume of poetry is two closer to done. I have been assisting my sister with her faeries. (And working on a faery cookbook with her). I have done blogs (although not as many ). Still I am enforcing a two hour a day writing time from now on. And until my vendor show (in Keyser, wv on May 14th) i will be setting aside an hour a day for crafting.
I know i will have at least something ready for publication by December. (There may be another children’s book sooner. Depending on how things go.) Seems like my biggest issue isn’t the writing…. lol. It is the procrastinating.
Pattimouse 