Today I am alive.
Everything hurts, my health is uncertain, and my mental health is in the toilet. This is the first time in the last decade I have failed to do the pad challenge.
For me it means I am being unreliable for the people who are depending on me, and I hate it. I have never been the one that needed expensive things…but today I needed a pick me up.
I needed to get out of the house.
I needed a dirty Chai tea. (this is a Chai tea with a shot of espresso)
I needed five minutes when no one was depending on me while I was wanting to fall apart.
That feels so selfish.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have responsibilities…expectations…obligations. And I have always been able to do it. I gave of myself until everyone else had. Now I have to put my self first. and it’s so strange.
Yesterday I couldn’t find the energy to do the work I needed to do. Now after I enjoyed the Chai I will be able to do some of it.
I am still struggling, and I won’t be able to even get answers about my health issues until February.
Pattimouse 
Sending prayers.
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Lots of love and healing energies. I’m proud of you for putting yourself first!
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We, who so value the work you do, are depending on you now to take care of yourself first. And, if you have to wait until February for answers about your health, we can wait for your next whatever. ❤
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living for someone else all our lives, we get used to placing our selves on the backburner, we ignore our own needs, to give more to others, thinking that we’re, selfless, but we are actually not, by not taking care of ourselves first, we won’t have enough in us, to care for anybody else, but we’d all be socialized, to sacrifice our needs, in order to fulfill the needs of others, and uprooting this belief sometimes take an entire lifetime to undo, and sometimes, we can’t, even, break from how we were, socialized.
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